So Very Upset

[Arabhorselover]

I've been married for 24 years, and I have three boys ages 18, 20, and 22. My marriage has not been perfect, but we have always had a love that has remained strong through everything. My depression and low self-esteem has been an issue, but I have done the best I can in dealing with that. The biggest issue between us has been the condition of our house. My husband has started many projects in the house and not finished them. An addition was put on the house years ago, and never finished. He also has a lot of stuff. The amount of stuff has greatly increased over the years as he acquired more, and as we ended up with his Dad's stuff. Our house was small to begin with, which is why we needed the addition. Anyway, the condition of the house has been a source of embarrassment for me, as well as being crowded. It has never bothered him, however. We have had so many fights over this, and I never get anywhere. He just always turns things around to be my fault - I'm choosing to look at the negative, I'm bringing up old stuff he can't do anything about, etc.

Well, I've finally come to the point of trying to accept the fact that he is a hoarder and all that goes along with that. On top of that I have realized just how much my boys dislike their father. At least two out of the three don't want anything to do with him. It was so important to me to raise my children in a healthy, happy home, and I really thought we weren't doing too badly at that. Now it seems I have to face the fact that I have not done that. In fact I must have really had blinders on all these years regarding the kind of person my husband is. Has everything I have thought about him been a lie?

I just don't know how to go on living with him and even communicating with him knowing how the boys feel about him. He seems to think everything is fine. I love him, but there are certain things I just can't continue to put up with, and I don't picture him changing or even admitting to any fault in the situation. The future is not looking good at all right now.

If you have gotten this far, thank you. I just need to talk to someone about this so badly. I am having trouble functioning at this point.

 

[Shutterbug]

Good evening AHL;

I recall years ago as a young man that a pastor of a church I periodically attended and even my Dad had suggested my attending a Christian college in Langley, British Columbia. Instead, I joined the military. I didn't do so out of rebellion, but it satisfied a number of requirements without involving my Dad. I was invited and had the opportunity to attend Atlantic School of Theology. In hindsight, I'm glad I didn't do so as they would not have worked out very well. I'm OK as long as I do short-term stuff, but not so good beyond that.

The other day, my wife mentioned to me that she while cleaning the basement, she could evidence of every project I'd worked on. I don't have a hoarder psychology, but I sometimes end up purchasing larger amounts of materiél than I would like. Once the project is done, what do I do with the rest? There is a lot to be said for good planning, and a lot more for wise use of our time as it's a resource we cannot renew. Sometimes I take on projects that I have no idea how to do and they remain in limbo forever due to a lack of knowledge or fear of really screwing it up. When you don't have friends to call on for help, some things cannot be done. Sometimes, I can get quite frustrated because I create more work than I'd intended with things going awry. I have a saying of, "If it wasn't for bad luck, I'd have none at all". However, some things do get done and they look good as such.

 

[Shutterbug]

Part 2

I agree that fighting over it is destructive and therefore undesirable. I seem to recall you mentioning that your husband is away quite a bit, but you would know better than I how much of an impact it has had. Does he end up with starting a project and several more pop up? Or, (and I mean this quite respectfully) does he have a short attention span in the sense that he loses interest in jobs which require more effort than he thought? Getting overwhelmed by not having ready solutions or the energy to deal with issues creates a lot of stress in the long run. Deliberately avoiding issues is also destructive and can multiply rather than add. And sometimes, we findiactivities which distract us from achieving an end to the means. It isn't about being lazy, it's about failing to think outside the box and fully appreciate our planning both good and bad.

But. some people will soldier on no matter how wrong they are. There is a lot to be said for standing up for what one believes, but we we're foolish to think we can burn the candle at both ends to get more light for the same period of time as a normal burn.

My only answer is to pray and seek the counsel of the Holy Spirit for opportunities. I know that's easier said than done. Keep a sense of humour about it. I doubt if what I've said will be of much help, but hopefully some of it can be used. Cheers, John Phil 4:8

 

[dh charles]

I've been married for 24 years, and I have three boys ages 18, 20, and 22. My marriage has not been perfect, but we have always had a love that has remained strong through everything. My depression and low self-esteem has been an issue, but I have done the best I can in dealing with that. The biggest issue between us has been the condition of our house. My husband has started many projects in the house and not finished them. An addition was put on the house years ago, and never finished. He also has a lot of stuff. The amount of stuff has greatly increased over the years as he acquired more, and as we ended up with his Dad's stuff. Our house was small to begin with, which is why we needed the addition. Anyway, the condition of the house has been a source of embarrassment for me, as well as being crowded. It has never bothered him, however. We have had so many fights over this, and I never get anywhere. He just always turns things around to be my fault - I'm choosing to look at the negative, I'm bringing up old stuff he can't do anything about, etc.

Well, I've finally come to the point of trying to accept the fact that he is a hoarder and all that goes along with that. On top of that I have realized just how much my boys dislike their father. At least two out of the three don't want anything to do with him. It was so important to me to raise my children in a healthy, happy home, and I really thought we weren't doing too badly at that. Now it seems I have to face the fact that I have not done that. In fact I must have really had blinders on all these years regarding the kind of person my husband is. Has everything I have thought about him been a lie?

I just don't know how to go on living with him and even communicating with him knowing how the boys feel about him. He seems to think everything is fine. I love him, but there are certain things I just can't continue to put up with, and I don't picture him changing or even admitting to any fault in the situation. The future is not looking good at all right now.

If you have gotten this far, thank you. I just need to talk to someone about this so badly. I am having trouble functioning at this point.

You or his life should not be like this. However, this is a two way street. Actually, there are 3 sides; your side,his side and the right side. The right side cannot be confronted by either of you. And this result from a third party must be sort of antiseptic from any preconceived ideas by either of you. if you have not already done so find a profession Christian sounding board. I think from what you described is that you two need to think out of the box. The boys need to totally accept the result. It is essential that they receive input at all. After all they are kids and they have no right to sabotage your and his relationship.
In a nutshell this is about if love would and could love be a 2 way street with both of you satisfies. A commitment to mirror a commitment to God's relationship from His church. An unselfish commitment. Explain to him that you out of here if he cannot reach this attitude. He sounds a little ignorant of the definition of love. Let someone school him. If he does not agree then give him an ultimatum. He sounds like my x wife and totally unlike my present wife. Here is the kicker. In fact it can not be done unless you are in the shadow of God.
Start out by each of you .... alone......praying to God that He takes over this problem and not either of you. Both of you let go.

 

[Chad]

Hi @Arabhorselover

You're in a position in your marriage that's clearly putting a strain on your relationship with each other. But, God is able, in any circumstance. It's easy for us to throw scripture at you but I think you should try your best to leave this with the Lord. Surrender it to Him. Your oneness with your husband is far more important than the appearance of your home or unfinished additions. How your children see their father is clearly an issue that needs resolve. God is the ultimate fixer, and know He leaves nothing unfinished.

 

[Brad Huber]

Your husband will not change until he wants to. Can you think of any way to change his mind so that he does want to? Not through argument mind you, but perhaps ? by leaving the house, and stay with friends or family. Do not divorce or separate from him, but tell him you cannot live there as long as it remains a pig sty. Not sure even that is a wise decision, but think on it.

 

[Arabhorselover]

Well, I've spent the last few days agonizing over the situation. Part of me is so angry at my husband, and doesn't want anything to do with him, and the other part still loves him and wants to get along. I know he has not really been lying to me all these years. All in all he has treated me well. There are some things about him that are hard to live with, but it has never been the kinds of things that would leave him for.

Very soon only my middle son will still be at home (the one that has the most trouble with his father). Eventually it will be just my husband and I, and so I really need to keep our relationship in tact. He is so smart, but seems to be clueless about this situation. I believe he has blinders on, and that it would be too painful for him to believe that he has done anything wrong. He grew up with a very critical father, and learned to defend himself in every situation. He has a very hard time accepting blame for anything, and does not apologize often. I think there is a very scared little boy under his very capable exterior.

 

[dh charles]

Well, I've spent the last few days agonizing over the situation. Part of me is so angry at my husband, and doesn't want anything to do with him, and the other part still loves him and wants to get along. I know he has not really been lying to me all these years. All in all he has treated me well. There are some things about him that are hard to live with, but it has never been the kinds of things that would leave him for.

Very soon only my middle son will still be at home (the one that has the most trouble with his father). Eventually it will be just my husband and I, and so I really need to keep our relationship in tact. He is so smart, but seems to be clueless about this situation. I believe he has blinders on, and that it would be too painful for him to believe that he has done anything wrong. He grew up with a very critical father, and learned to defend himself in every situation. He has a very hard time accepting blame for anything, and does not apologize often. I think there is a very scared little boy under his very capable exterior.

I am going out on a limb. Believe it or not it could be as simple as old ways verses the new. You becoming more like what his father was a stickler on??? ; that "A woman needs to take full control of cleaning the house. You do seem like you appreciate him being well capable.
I say going out on a limb because I don't want you to think I am archaic etc. I know how hard it is for a mind to change, that's all. Talk it over with him; roles .Agree that modern ideas do not mean anything compared to your love. Both of you compromise a new.

 

[Arabhorselover]

I am going out on a limb. Believe it or not it could be as simple as old ways verses the new. You becoming more like what his father was a stickler on??? ; that "A woman needs to take full control of cleaning the house. You do seem like you appreciate him being well capable.
I say going out on a limb because I don't want you to think I am archaic etc. I know how hard it is for a mind to change, that's all. Talk it over with him; roles .Agree that modern ideas do not mean anything compared to your love. Both of you compromise a new.

Maybe I'm misunderstanding you, but he would NOT want me to move any of his things out of the way. That would cause a war.

 

[dh charles]

Maybe I'm misunderstanding you, but he would NOT want me to move any of his things out of the way. That would cause a war.

Then don't remove anything. The most important thing is to come to a NEW commitment/agreement. What I said before was just to start a dialogue with us. I just have a feeling that you and he are on the cusp of a retrenched beginning.
There have been a very few times that my wife and I have reached an impasse...usually over not being open to communication.......we both knew we were right.
It would be REAL hard for me to whisper to the Lord to say; God I know you want us to be together but if I am wrong let Your will prevail. I learned later that she prayed the same way and for the same thing. EVERY time, after giving space, to each other, from half day to just hours.....we tried to beat a path to the other to be the first to open up and apologize. During that time of space it was like something took over in me. Of course, we both thanked God afterwards. The apology was not hard to make either because there are always three sides to every story; your side, my side and the right side.
Go with God.

 

[Arabhorselover]

Then don't remove anything. The most important thing is to come to a NEW commitment/agreement. What I said before was just to start a dialogue with us. I just have a feeling that you and he are on the cusp of a retrenched beginning.
There have been a very few times that my wife and I have reached an impasse...usually over not being open to communication.......we both knew we were right.
It would be REAL hard for me to whisper to the Lord to say; God I know you want us to be together but if I am wrong let Your will prevail. I learned later that she prayed the same way and for the same thing. EVERY time, after giving space, to each other, from half day to just hours.....we tried to beat a path to the other to be the first to open up and apologize. During that time of space it was like something took over in me. Of course, we both thanked God afterwards. The apology was not hard to make either because there are always three sides to every story; your side, my side and the right side.
Go with God.

Well, that is what I am trying to do. I have prayed a lot about this situation, and am seeing a Christian counselor. Trying to have faith that all of this will work out okay.

 

[dh charles]

Well, that is what I am trying to do. I have prayed a lot about this situation, and am seeing a Christian counselor. Trying to have faith that all of this will work out okay.

I know you are dear....that's the way a true woman is mean to be if the man will let her. It does sound like your hubby needs to wake up and loose himself from himself. I will pray for him. Meanwhile, ask your husband, in your own way, what would unclutter his mind? What is he bound-up about? What would make him happy? The last question is a loaded question as only HE can make himself happy. BUT YOU CAN AUGMENT WHAT MAKES HIM HAPPY But, you have to know this first. Remember what could make someone happy changes could change and may need to be re-evaluated. He knows what makes him happy, believe me. He thinks he has a secrete but he does not. Make him feel wanted. He then has a choice and you have a clear mind. He needs to commit. The marriage is not about you or him. It is about the person in the middle.
Be strong, if after a time, he still wants you to enable him then tell him it could be lawyer time. it sounds like you should have life more abundantly. Marriage is not based on just a feeling. A human malady is that feelings become unfamiliar and less notable after awhile, and we then wonder where it went. Feelings in reality are is just part of the commitment. With feelings only you two grow together or apart. With commitment from both of yaw you two stay together and work it out. No commitment from both-no marriage.

 

[Arabhorselover]

It may not sound like it from things I have written, but we have both always been committed to the marriage. We would not have made it this far otherwise. He would say that he is happy. He would say that he always sees the glass as half full and that I see it as half empty. He is under a lot of stress, as his life is very busy, but some of it he creates for himself. He has way too many projects going, way too many engines to maintain, and he knows it. I don't think he knows how to get out from under it, though. Instead he ends up making it worse by taking on more. I think he goes along thinking he's happy, though, until I start complaining about something. And he doesn't want to hear that.

 

[dh charles]

It may not sound like it from things I have written, but we have both always been committed to the marriage. We would not have made it this far otherwise. He would say that he is happy. He would say that he always sees the glass as half full and that I see it as half empty. He is under a lot of stress, as his life is very busy, but some of it he creates for himself. He has way too many projects going, way too many engines to maintain, and he knows it. I don't think he knows how to get out from under it, though. Instead he ends up making it worse by taking on more. I think he goes along thinking he's happy, though, until I start complaining about something. And he doesn't want to hear that.

Yes, I hear you. But, he does not yet. Him divesting himself of things that makes him busy Is the same as saying his not King Kong (sic) to him. Convince him that it's okay, That he is doing too much (I am sure you already said this already) that you will have his back if only he openly communicates with you....if you only knew where his back was. I am going out on another limb and say that you have not been able or perhaps willing to have his back before. I suggest that if you could re-establish this connection that he would not need all the other stuff. Besides, honey, tell him, I love you the way you where and you do not need to prove anything to me. Honey, lets get out of this vacuum and give ourselves to each other first and foremost. I know you are a glass half full guy but It might be over half full. Let us smell the roses. Of course, frame this all in your language.
An important thing; work it out so it his idea. We men like to think we are fully in control ,LOL

 

[Arabhorselover]

Yes, I hear you. But, he does not yet. Him divesting himself of things that makes him busy Is the same as saying his not King Kong (sic) to him. Convince him that it's okay, That he is doing too much (I am sure you already said this already) that you will have his back if only he openly communicates with you....if you only knew where his back was. I am going out on another limb and say that you have not been able or perhaps willing to have his back before. I suggest that if you could re-establish this connection that he would not need all the other stuff. Besides, honey, tell him, I love you the way you where and you do not need to prove anything to me. Honey, lets get out of this vacuum and give ourselves to each other first and foremost. I know you are a glass half full guy but It might be over half full. Let us smell the roses. Of course, frame this all in your language.
An important thing; work it out so it his idea. We men like to think we are fully in control ,LOL

For over 20 years I have lived in a situation where many areas of my home are torn apart and have never been put back together. I have rooms that don't have walls. We have never been able to live in an addition that was put on the house years ago when my boys were little that has never been finished. Instead it is filled to the rafters with lumber that was supposed to be used on it, and a whole lot of other stuff that has been sitting for many years that was going to be sold, etc. There is stuff piled in my kitchen that does not belong in a kitchen. It is the same with the living room. I have been embarrassed about the house all these years. I do not enjoy walking through trails and getting bruises from bumping into things that are in the way that should not be there. Last Winter I even broke my two on something that was sitting in the hallway for years for no good reason. My children have grown up without enough space to play or to do homework. So no, I have not always been supportive of his priorities. He has plenty of time to collect and work on old tractors and to collect coins. He has no time to do the things that would make my life happier. I have told him for years that this situation contributes to my depression, but it doesn't matter. And so I take drugs to help me live in this situation. I think I have been more than patient. I have put up with things that I can't imagine another woman putting up with. It gets harder and harder to do that.

 

[dh charles]

For over 20 years I have lived in a situation where many areas of my home are torn apart and have never been put back together. I have rooms that don't have walls. We have never been able to live in an addition that was put on the house years ago when my boys were little that has never been finished. Instead it is filled to the rafters with lumber that was supposed to be used on it, and a whole lot of other stuff that has been sitting for many years that was going to be sold, etc. There is stuff piled in my kitchen that does not belong in a kitchen. It is the same with the living room. I have been embarrassed about the house all these years. I do not enjoy walking through trails and getting bruises from bumping into things that are in the way that should not be there. Last Winter I even broke my two on something that was sitting in the hallway for years for no good reason. My children have grown up without enough space to play or to do homework. So no, I have not always been supportive of his priorities. He has plenty of time to collect and work on old tractors and to collect coins. He has no time to do the things that would make my life happier. I have told him for years that this situation contributes to my depression, but it doesn't matter. And so I take drugs to help me live in this situation. I think I have been more than patient. I have put up with things that I can't imagine another woman putting up with. It gets harder and harder to do that.

Is he a hoarder? If so, that's pathological and he needs professional help that may not do any good unless he first stares at the bottom that he may see soon. Something needs to wake him up. Now the children come into focus. Doesn't he realize or does he not care how this is now affecting them? It is hard to believe that he is that selfish. He must wake up or he will destroy himself and others. Do not let him destroy you or the children. Think of it as dealing with an alcoholic. He must reach bottom before motivated to action. Simply put; he must be introduced to a tradeoff. That is, something that trips his trigger more than the way he lives now. Only he can do that with your help IF he wants help. Does he really love you or just mumbles the words I say again, be strong. No action mean no change and no change means destructive behavior for him and behavior directed toward to you. The children are almost grown and the damage may already be done and left up to them to work out after they leave home. But, you. Now YOU. Don't you care about you. Herein lays the tradeoff you must find before it spirals out of control...introduce that tradeoff..

 

[Julie.S]

I'm only 24 and never married. I do know from getting advice from my parents that marriage is a team kind of thing. You both have to talk about this with each other and as a family. Have you considered family and or couples counseling? Perhaps this could open a new door for all of you.

 

[dh charles]

I'm only 24 and never married. I do know from getting advice from my parents that marriage is a team kind of thing. You both have to talk about this with each other and as a family. Have you considered family and or couples counseling? Perhaps this could open a new door for all of you.

You are sweet.

The way I look at marriage..I have been married twice before and had a lot of practice,LOL......is that it should reflect ones commitment to God. It is a model. that hardly ever falls.....the woman is to be treated like a jewel and a man with respect. However, I hate to say it, a man fails in this matter mainly because of putting himself in the center instead of God. They abuse their leadership. I believe the most a man can accomplish in life is to die for a good woman.. .

 

[LordKnows]

@Arabhorselover I am no doctor by ANY means & I never want anyone to think that I think I know it all or act like a KIA (Know it all) BUT by the sounds of your husband I would suggest he see a doctor for ADD (attention deficit disorder). The reason for saying this is because just recently I myself have learned that I may have ADD just by my half finished projects, lack of ambition to follow through with tasks, chores & the like. I just "don't feel like it" anymore. After talking with my doctor she had agreed with me that I may possibly have ADD & I have to agree by looking around my own house. I started filling nail holes planning to paint & 10 months later it's still not painted BUT I DID see myself finishing but never did. The idea of starting a project is much more powerful than completing it in my own head. I will be actually excited about starting a project but half way through or even 3/4 of the way through I just fizzle out completely & really don't care that it's not done. I have never been like this a few years ago. Now as I get older I find myself less ambitious to even start a task. I am very creative, mobile, able & crafty but as far as having a drive to start it's becoming less & less. I have a doctors appointment for testing but I just hope I follow through with that even. (I'll make someone drag me in just so I make sure I get to it)

Since you have been with your husband for so long here is a simple test he could do on line or even you could for him possibly http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/addquiz.htm

Don't give up on him just yet. God has something else in mind

 

[margoeli]

Well, I've finally come to the point of trying to accept the fact that he is a hoarder and all that goes along with that. On top of that I have realized just how much my boys dislike their father. At least two out of the three don't want anything to do with him. It was so important to me to raise my children in a healthy, happy home, and I really thought we weren't doing too badly at that. Now it seems I have to face the fact that I have not done that. In fact I must have really had blinders on all these years regarding the kind of person my husband is. Has everything I have thought about him been a lie?

Hi Arabhorselover,

From my own experience, the best advice I can give you is to pray for your husband. No one is perfect, in fact I'm pretty convinced that we all have terrible flaws and looking at ourselves is the hardest to do. I have been married for seven years and live in a foreign country, my husbands country. For a few years I was so bitter and angry that it ate me up inside and I became very lost. I don't want you to do the same.

Not only pray for him, but take action in the areas you can in your home even if they are small. Helping and organizing in ways that you can may help feel as if there is more control in your own home. I know as the lady of the house, it can drive you crazy when you see as the possiblities of how your house could be nicer As much as your sons may dislike him, try your very best never to speak ill of your husband, our husband's need so much respect, even if we don't think they deserve it. Sometime I think that is the way the devil works best, he tells us we are justified in our judgements towards others. I am not saying you are wrong, believe me, I am just saying that it will eat you up inside.

Also, I wonder if he would let you hire someone to help finish the products you can't. Some men wouldn't want that, my husband wouldn't. If that's the case,then try your very best to fix house up and organize all his junk (this may not be doable, just trying to think of more ways to feel less miserable in home)

Support groups are helpful as well, as they are a way to gain perspective. Focusing on helping others and doing well in yourself, may help your husband in the future. Also, maybe if your husband see the wellness in you, he will want to change as well. People who are miserable rarely want to be. Read your bible everyday and find a peaceful spot outside (or make one in your home) to spend time with God. No one can help you when it comes to your marriage more than Jesus can. He will heal it, I promise you, he did mine. Sometimes we have to focus on our own relationship with God, so that our husbands will see what they're missing. Here are a few verses that may help

Matthew 7:1-5
“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye."

Phillipians 4:6
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

I am sorry to hear about where your sons are at with their father. I remember my early twenties being a very hard time when it came to my relationship with my parent, I was very angry with them for many things, but now that I am older I can see that it always comes back to me and my relationship with God, and even though my parents have many flaws, there is much peace when I visit them, since I have learned to respect them. My dad can be very cruel at times, but I take it to the Lord and listen to the spirit of when to step away. Now I am able to build a relationship with my family that I never thought I could.
I will pray for you. You can private message me as well if you ever feel like talking more.