Member
First and foremost, let me say hello to all of you. I am new here. I really enjoy the looks of this community, and I would like to thank all of you, certainly the website owner, for allowing something good like this to be available for all of us. In respect to the following questions, I can only hope that I've chosen the right room to put this one in, so please forgive me if I've put this in the wrong place. I must also apologize if the grammar is going to be a bit hit and miss here, have to try to make this quick based on the great length of what I plan to write (I'll only do this one time-ie, one this long).
Before I begin, I want to make it very clear to everyone that I WANT TO BELIEVE IN GOD. God is my obsession in life, as is the case for most here, I suspect. Thankfully, I still do, but I have managed to confuse myself so deeply in certain areas that I just don't know how to get myself out of this.
I love the Jesus Christ that I've always known in life. I love my Father dearly. Today, there tends to be so much focus on "Good vs. evil," "Right vs. wrong," etc, which is all justified, I know. However, I've always believed that when one takes the time to truly focus on Christ and His message of love, its very power defeats the temptation of evil in its tracks.
When you stand in the light with Jesus, there is nothing more beautiful, nothing more perfect. In other words, I have a hard time believing that anyone that honestly loves Jesus and accepts the fact that He's always there for the Christian, I just have a hard time believing that there warrants much consideration for the world "Evil" under such circumstances, you know. I don't see how the devil's power could ever sneak in when a person stands so strongly beside Christ, and believes in His love. Unfortunately, I also know that the devil is lying in hiding waiting to pounce every chance he gets.
I WANT JESUS TO BE THERE, there's absolutely nothing more important to me than to know that He's really there, and that His message of love and hope is exactly what I've always believed it to be.
Last night, I watched an older, well, a middle aged West Virginia man speak about some of the events surrounding the mining tragedy. At first, it was my human nature to sit back in shock a little bit due to some of the poor vocabulary that he was using, etc. By the end of the interview, however, I thought more of that man than I probably have just about any other person I've come across lately outside of my family, etc, whether it be on TV or in person, and that is because of the fact that His loving, peaceful Christian manor stood out strongly. He was upset about what had happened, obviously, but the little guy just seemed to be such a humble Christian, a true servant. I've always admired people like him.
That interview reminded me of the Bible verse that mom has referenced on several different occassions through the years, the verse that involves the requirement to maintain a childlike faith in Him.
My mom was the only person in my family to have not graduated from college, even though her wisdom surpasses everyone else's in my family. Furthermore, she went on to have a successful professional career, despite not having a degree. And that's the funny thing about life, that always seems to be the way things work. Her heart is bigger than anyone else's I know of, too, and therefore she has been the biggest blessing that He's given me in life.
In 2001, I graduated from a four year liberal university system with a degree in Business. Unfortunately, I continue to be plagued by so much of what I was "Told" back than, and let me specify that word, because being told something doesn't mean it's the truth. Specifically, it was the wording of one professor in particular that caused so much of the trouble for me.
And it's at this point that "Good ole' wisdom" enters in, one of the "esteemed benefits" of having attended a university system, you know~. Compare the following "Wisdom" to that I described up above, and you'll see that "Wisdom" isn't always what it's cracked up to be.
The professor I mention told us either John or Mark had attended Plato or Aristotle's school some 2000 years ago (Alledging that they were merely poets more than anything else). Also, it was two years ago now that I rented the "Gospel of John," which, to my surprise, mentioned that John wrote his chapter some 40 years or more after the days Christ walked the earth. At that point, I found myself asking how anybody would have the ability to quote Christ some 40 years after the accounts of His life had taken place.
And than there's Hippocrates, another of the greek figures. "The father of medicine," staunch supporter back in the day of using apple cider vinegar to cure a variety of ailments. As a matter of fact, the Bible is filled with several different areas that seem to support this or that herbal remedy for curing this or that condition. Other parts seem to almost be "Coded" (IE-12000x12000=144000-what's that supposed to mean, you know)? Than there's the knowledge that the process of fermentation dates back to the beginning of time, etc, and you begin to get really scared about things.
Furthermore, there are some of those that alledge that the Bible is the works of the ever famous "Secret Society," a project designed to leave the greater population focused on what they must do at a personal level while other elitists take advantage of such through the centuries for economic gain, power, etc.
It was a year ago now that I made a very genuine prayer to the Lord. I asked Him to come back into my heart, my life and guide me, I have repented for my sins, and I thank Him everytime that I pray for the wonderful life that He's given to my family.
Over this time period, however, I have become someone that I'm not comfortable being. Before, it was my goal to go out in life and do Christ's work for Him, I wanted to do what was inside my heart that I felt was in line with His wishes for me.
Today, however, I find myself spending nearly every waking hour suddently jumping into constant "Forgive me's" over the slightest possible wrong image or idea that may surface in my mind from time to time. I have, undoubtedly, become a better person, I think, at least in terms of something in line with being more of a moral person at an individual level, but now I find myself spending the vast majority of my time consumed in deep thought about whether or not the Father that I've always loved deep down so dearly truly exists, or might have been an image of invention for those with sinister personal motives. And to ask yourself that type of question everday absolutely breaks your heart. You can't imagine how difficult it is to believe in His message so clearly, yet have that type of thought on your conscious. It just eats you up.
The guilt that comes with the onset of that type of disloyalty eats away at the soul more than anything else ever could. You stop and wonder what you have become, you ask yourself what kind of mess you've gotten yourself into, and worst of all, you don't know how to get yourself out of the trap. It's as if you have created your own personal hell, one that you cannot escape from, regardless of the positive past that you've had in respect to the personal relationship with Him.
The belief and peace of His love has vanished, somehow, someway, and what has entered is everything that I never would've imagined I'd become-relentless fear of what may come tomorrow, or the next day, an obsessive compulsive mindset that tends to be focusing solely on the repentance of individual sins in short form prayers that really serve no purpose at all (We are asked to be completely honest and sincere in our prayers. Bursting into a quick, "Forgive me, forgive me" seems a bit self centered to me, greedy, but that's exactly what I find myself doing now.)
I still do have hope, I haven't given up. I've had three or four experiences take place in my life (Miracles) that I will never doubt were brought about by His hand, His love. The bottomline, I guess, is that if I could just ever return to the life I once had, back when the ideology was far more simple, yet had so much more meaning, than this would all be over with.
Before, the mission was to love your enemies, embrace the fallen, care for the poor and broken hearted. Personal sin had to be recognized, but not dwelled upon day and night like this. The worse thing that anybody could've told someone like me came from some guy a while back that said a person was making a big mistake if we were to believe that we were all not supposed to do exactly as Christ did, in reference to his ability to fight off all of the devil's temptations over the 40 day period in the woods.
I must admit that I am happier now that I've managed to improve on my sinful human nature. Again, however, I have to question what's gone wrong if that's the only thing I'm doing now day and night (Between that and trying to determine the true intentions of one or two of the Bible's authors, all of which was brought about by a self indulged professor and quacks on the internet-but it's my test of faith, my duty to overcome these things, I understand that).
"Read the Scripture, and find your peace." I can't. I want to, in more ways than one, but right now I can't.
I'm telling you, if you pick up on a story on the national news in the coming days about some crazy guy in MN hanging out of a tree in a park in the nude decked out in a Batman outfit, that'll be me. That's how close I am to a nervous breakdown with this.
I've read from Exodus, John, Matthew, and Revelations recently, and that caused a panic attack on the spot, you know. It's good to fear God, we have to fear God. But that's about the only part I focus on now with all of this, and I'm obviously doing something wrong, given what I've become.
Part of the soul dies when any type of question like this surfaces, you know. The pain that comes with this type of questioning nails you in two different ways-the personal guilt, being one, the obvious pain of considering alternative theories being the other.
The sad part about it is that I never would've had any of these types of questions pop up if it wasn't for the world we live in today. On the one end we have those that mock Him, on the end we find certain individuals that I've become very dissapointed with, those that call out His name in public but than reduce medicare payments to poor senior citizens, etc.
I lost consciousness a couple of years ago, of all things, and sometimes I swear that none of this is real, this life. There are times I honestly believe that I wound up in hell, that I did something wrong along the way before in life.
We finally get a Christian movement going in this country, but I just don't like what I see about it in certain capacities, and I think a lot of people feel that way whether they admit it or not, and that's probably my biggest issue. "You're going to hell!" "Death to the homosexuals."
"The ultimate thing you can do to honor me is to love your enemy."
I believe that a pretty Special Person once said that, but I find almost none of that in the current movement.
Though we certainly cannot approve of sin, it seems that just about everybody on the face of the earth has forgotten that we were merely put here to serve Him and His cause. I never heard Christ say that we had the right to judge others. I always thought that was God's job.
Today, it almost seems that it's more important for me to worry about not looking at the girl walking into the gas station, something that I hadn't necessarily made a habbit of before, mind you, but now I consciously am "On guard" for sin at all times.
Somebody help me, please. Somebody help me figure this out. Where have I gone wrong? Or was it God's intention for me to simply sit here and do nothing for the needy or the meek, and worry only about my own goodwill by locking myself up in the basement, you know?
After reading from the Bible and comparing it to the relationship I at one time had with Christ, I sometimes ponder whether or not some of it might have been meant as a test for us, in and of itself, the Bible I mean. Afterall, why do so many walk away with its message of love and hope, while others focus more on the "Right vs wrong, good vs evil" quality?
I still love Jesus Christ as much as I ever did, and I will always love Him that way. That's my Dad, that's the Father I love, you know, and I honestly think that's where I have to leave it. I don't think that I have the personal power to dive into the rest of the Bible. I can't handle the contradictory nature of certain passages; I"m tired of asking myself fifty questions everyday like this.
Furthermore, I miss certain aspects of my old life. They'll be no porno orders or anything like that, but you know, I loved "There's Something About Mary." They could've cut out a couple of scenes, certainly, but I laughed pretty good at that one, in the former life. "Plains, Trains, and Autos," "Father of the Bride," etc. They're good movies, they're funny. I'm not going to be able to make it through life watching PBS and the Sound of Music every week, I know that much, you know?
I can only pray that some of you might be able to help me figure some of this out. As you can see, I'm at a complete loss. I have never, ever been so confused about anything in my life. I've spent the past year wondering whether or not I'm doing good or wrong with nearly every action or thought I take/have, and I've continually beat myself up and down throughout the process for having these types of questions in the first place. For my sins, etc. It's getting to the point where I don't know what planet I'm even on anymore half the time.
Quite clearly, I dearly thank any of those that might be able to help me, in advance. Thank you so, so much for taking the time to read this. I look forward to any of the responses I might be able to get back. Take care, may His love be with you.
Before I begin, I want to make it very clear to everyone that I WANT TO BELIEVE IN GOD. God is my obsession in life, as is the case for most here, I suspect. Thankfully, I still do, but I have managed to confuse myself so deeply in certain areas that I just don't know how to get myself out of this.
I love the Jesus Christ that I've always known in life. I love my Father dearly. Today, there tends to be so much focus on "Good vs. evil," "Right vs. wrong," etc, which is all justified, I know. However, I've always believed that when one takes the time to truly focus on Christ and His message of love, its very power defeats the temptation of evil in its tracks.
When you stand in the light with Jesus, there is nothing more beautiful, nothing more perfect. In other words, I have a hard time believing that anyone that honestly loves Jesus and accepts the fact that He's always there for the Christian, I just have a hard time believing that there warrants much consideration for the world "Evil" under such circumstances, you know. I don't see how the devil's power could ever sneak in when a person stands so strongly beside Christ, and believes in His love. Unfortunately, I also know that the devil is lying in hiding waiting to pounce every chance he gets.
I WANT JESUS TO BE THERE, there's absolutely nothing more important to me than to know that He's really there, and that His message of love and hope is exactly what I've always believed it to be.
Last night, I watched an older, well, a middle aged West Virginia man speak about some of the events surrounding the mining tragedy. At first, it was my human nature to sit back in shock a little bit due to some of the poor vocabulary that he was using, etc. By the end of the interview, however, I thought more of that man than I probably have just about any other person I've come across lately outside of my family, etc, whether it be on TV or in person, and that is because of the fact that His loving, peaceful Christian manor stood out strongly. He was upset about what had happened, obviously, but the little guy just seemed to be such a humble Christian, a true servant. I've always admired people like him.
That interview reminded me of the Bible verse that mom has referenced on several different occassions through the years, the verse that involves the requirement to maintain a childlike faith in Him.
My mom was the only person in my family to have not graduated from college, even though her wisdom surpasses everyone else's in my family. Furthermore, she went on to have a successful professional career, despite not having a degree. And that's the funny thing about life, that always seems to be the way things work. Her heart is bigger than anyone else's I know of, too, and therefore she has been the biggest blessing that He's given me in life.
In 2001, I graduated from a four year liberal university system with a degree in Business. Unfortunately, I continue to be plagued by so much of what I was "Told" back than, and let me specify that word, because being told something doesn't mean it's the truth. Specifically, it was the wording of one professor in particular that caused so much of the trouble for me.
And it's at this point that "Good ole' wisdom" enters in, one of the "esteemed benefits" of having attended a university system, you know~. Compare the following "Wisdom" to that I described up above, and you'll see that "Wisdom" isn't always what it's cracked up to be.
The professor I mention told us either John or Mark had attended Plato or Aristotle's school some 2000 years ago (Alledging that they were merely poets more than anything else). Also, it was two years ago now that I rented the "Gospel of John," which, to my surprise, mentioned that John wrote his chapter some 40 years or more after the days Christ walked the earth. At that point, I found myself asking how anybody would have the ability to quote Christ some 40 years after the accounts of His life had taken place.
And than there's Hippocrates, another of the greek figures. "The father of medicine," staunch supporter back in the day of using apple cider vinegar to cure a variety of ailments. As a matter of fact, the Bible is filled with several different areas that seem to support this or that herbal remedy for curing this or that condition. Other parts seem to almost be "Coded" (IE-12000x12000=144000-what's that supposed to mean, you know)? Than there's the knowledge that the process of fermentation dates back to the beginning of time, etc, and you begin to get really scared about things.
Furthermore, there are some of those that alledge that the Bible is the works of the ever famous "Secret Society," a project designed to leave the greater population focused on what they must do at a personal level while other elitists take advantage of such through the centuries for economic gain, power, etc.
It was a year ago now that I made a very genuine prayer to the Lord. I asked Him to come back into my heart, my life and guide me, I have repented for my sins, and I thank Him everytime that I pray for the wonderful life that He's given to my family.
Over this time period, however, I have become someone that I'm not comfortable being. Before, it was my goal to go out in life and do Christ's work for Him, I wanted to do what was inside my heart that I felt was in line with His wishes for me.
Today, however, I find myself spending nearly every waking hour suddently jumping into constant "Forgive me's" over the slightest possible wrong image or idea that may surface in my mind from time to time. I have, undoubtedly, become a better person, I think, at least in terms of something in line with being more of a moral person at an individual level, but now I find myself spending the vast majority of my time consumed in deep thought about whether or not the Father that I've always loved deep down so dearly truly exists, or might have been an image of invention for those with sinister personal motives. And to ask yourself that type of question everday absolutely breaks your heart. You can't imagine how difficult it is to believe in His message so clearly, yet have that type of thought on your conscious. It just eats you up.
The guilt that comes with the onset of that type of disloyalty eats away at the soul more than anything else ever could. You stop and wonder what you have become, you ask yourself what kind of mess you've gotten yourself into, and worst of all, you don't know how to get yourself out of the trap. It's as if you have created your own personal hell, one that you cannot escape from, regardless of the positive past that you've had in respect to the personal relationship with Him.
The belief and peace of His love has vanished, somehow, someway, and what has entered is everything that I never would've imagined I'd become-relentless fear of what may come tomorrow, or the next day, an obsessive compulsive mindset that tends to be focusing solely on the repentance of individual sins in short form prayers that really serve no purpose at all (We are asked to be completely honest and sincere in our prayers. Bursting into a quick, "Forgive me, forgive me" seems a bit self centered to me, greedy, but that's exactly what I find myself doing now.)
I still do have hope, I haven't given up. I've had three or four experiences take place in my life (Miracles) that I will never doubt were brought about by His hand, His love. The bottomline, I guess, is that if I could just ever return to the life I once had, back when the ideology was far more simple, yet had so much more meaning, than this would all be over with.
Before, the mission was to love your enemies, embrace the fallen, care for the poor and broken hearted. Personal sin had to be recognized, but not dwelled upon day and night like this. The worse thing that anybody could've told someone like me came from some guy a while back that said a person was making a big mistake if we were to believe that we were all not supposed to do exactly as Christ did, in reference to his ability to fight off all of the devil's temptations over the 40 day period in the woods.
I must admit that I am happier now that I've managed to improve on my sinful human nature. Again, however, I have to question what's gone wrong if that's the only thing I'm doing now day and night (Between that and trying to determine the true intentions of one or two of the Bible's authors, all of which was brought about by a self indulged professor and quacks on the internet-but it's my test of faith, my duty to overcome these things, I understand that).
"Read the Scripture, and find your peace." I can't. I want to, in more ways than one, but right now I can't.
I'm telling you, if you pick up on a story on the national news in the coming days about some crazy guy in MN hanging out of a tree in a park in the nude decked out in a Batman outfit, that'll be me. That's how close I am to a nervous breakdown with this.
I've read from Exodus, John, Matthew, and Revelations recently, and that caused a panic attack on the spot, you know. It's good to fear God, we have to fear God. But that's about the only part I focus on now with all of this, and I'm obviously doing something wrong, given what I've become.
Part of the soul dies when any type of question like this surfaces, you know. The pain that comes with this type of questioning nails you in two different ways-the personal guilt, being one, the obvious pain of considering alternative theories being the other.
The sad part about it is that I never would've had any of these types of questions pop up if it wasn't for the world we live in today. On the one end we have those that mock Him, on the end we find certain individuals that I've become very dissapointed with, those that call out His name in public but than reduce medicare payments to poor senior citizens, etc.
I lost consciousness a couple of years ago, of all things, and sometimes I swear that none of this is real, this life. There are times I honestly believe that I wound up in hell, that I did something wrong along the way before in life.
We finally get a Christian movement going in this country, but I just don't like what I see about it in certain capacities, and I think a lot of people feel that way whether they admit it or not, and that's probably my biggest issue. "You're going to hell!" "Death to the homosexuals."
"The ultimate thing you can do to honor me is to love your enemy."
I believe that a pretty Special Person once said that, but I find almost none of that in the current movement.
Though we certainly cannot approve of sin, it seems that just about everybody on the face of the earth has forgotten that we were merely put here to serve Him and His cause. I never heard Christ say that we had the right to judge others. I always thought that was God's job.
Today, it almost seems that it's more important for me to worry about not looking at the girl walking into the gas station, something that I hadn't necessarily made a habbit of before, mind you, but now I consciously am "On guard" for sin at all times.
Somebody help me, please. Somebody help me figure this out. Where have I gone wrong? Or was it God's intention for me to simply sit here and do nothing for the needy or the meek, and worry only about my own goodwill by locking myself up in the basement, you know?
After reading from the Bible and comparing it to the relationship I at one time had with Christ, I sometimes ponder whether or not some of it might have been meant as a test for us, in and of itself, the Bible I mean. Afterall, why do so many walk away with its message of love and hope, while others focus more on the "Right vs wrong, good vs evil" quality?
I still love Jesus Christ as much as I ever did, and I will always love Him that way. That's my Dad, that's the Father I love, you know, and I honestly think that's where I have to leave it. I don't think that I have the personal power to dive into the rest of the Bible. I can't handle the contradictory nature of certain passages; I"m tired of asking myself fifty questions everyday like this.
Furthermore, I miss certain aspects of my old life. They'll be no porno orders or anything like that, but you know, I loved "There's Something About Mary." They could've cut out a couple of scenes, certainly, but I laughed pretty good at that one, in the former life. "Plains, Trains, and Autos," "Father of the Bride," etc. They're good movies, they're funny. I'm not going to be able to make it through life watching PBS and the Sound of Music every week, I know that much, you know?
I can only pray that some of you might be able to help me figure some of this out. As you can see, I'm at a complete loss. I have never, ever been so confused about anything in my life. I've spent the past year wondering whether or not I'm doing good or wrong with nearly every action or thought I take/have, and I've continually beat myself up and down throughout the process for having these types of questions in the first place. For my sins, etc. It's getting to the point where I don't know what planet I'm even on anymore half the time.
Quite clearly, I dearly thank any of those that might be able to help me, in advance. Thank you so, so much for taking the time to read this. I look forward to any of the responses I might be able to get back. Take care, may His love be with you.
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