Puns and other pointless statements

[Admon Mikha'el]

I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure

 

[Admon Mikha'el]

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.

 

[B-A-C]

Doctor: How is that young patient that swallowed all those coins doing?

Nurse: No change yet.

 

[Waggles]

"What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?" "They're both Paris sites."

 

[Waggles]

"I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."

 

[Waggles]

"Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”
Because every play has a cast.

 

[Waggles]

My dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.
boom boom

 

[Waggles]

A woman in labour suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions.”

 

[Waggles]

Why did the skeleton not jump off the cliff?
Because he had no guts.

 

[Waggles]

DAD: I was just listening to the news on the radio, apparently an actress just stabbed someone.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?

DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?

MOM: Witherspoon ??

DAD: No, it was with a knife.

 

[JerryfromMass]

There was once the land of the Foo. They were an awful dirty filthy bunch. If any outsiders came near, the Foo would attack them, not with spear or sword, but with their poisonous feces, the poison of which was activated when wiped. When outsiders came near and were hit with Foo sh*t, they'd wipe it off, which would activate the poison and then kill them. Then one leader of outsiders came up with an idea: He told his band about the Foo, about their poisonous feces, and that it would only kill them if the wiped it off. This leader then gave a command to his band: "If the Foo sh*ts, wear it."

 

[Mayflower]

*imagines a hedge of protection like a bush stretching around me.*

I think it is like a stone wall, but I'd rather pray for this impenetrable fortress around my mind where devil can't even think of getting in.

 

[Waggles]

BEWARE THE DARK SIDE, LUKE

 

[Mayflower]

Uh oh. I love cat puns.

 

[Mayflower]

 

[Admon Mikha'el]

BEWARE THE DARK SIDE, LUKE

He looks like my blind uncle Gus.

 

[Mayflower]

 

[Waggles]

What do you call a naughty lamb dressed up like a skeleton for Halloween?
Baaaad to the bone.

 

[Waggles]

Did you hear about the kidnapping at the school?
It’s OK, he woke up.

 

[Waggles]

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.