My Journal of Prayer in Pain

[Chad]

Lately my world has been tumbling down on me emotionally and in certain ways physically. I devote my entire self to my work for GOD on Talk Jesus and my business online literally 24/7 (as much as I can that is). My eyes are red, dry and burn with pain no matter how appropriate I sit on the chair and view at the monitor. I was prescribed some simple eye drops to ease off the years of using Clear Eyes drops (the cause of my red dry eyes).

Emotionally, I'm getting wrecked with aggravation, frustration, loneliness and anger. I'm going deaf about 80% or so, I mumble whispers that are barely understandable when I speak and people by their nature of their flesh, look at me with an obvious hint of laughter. My face is like a permanent expression of anger that I seem to not be able to rid of.

I feel used even by "friends" who want but do not give, family members who ask but do not give and only call when they need something fixed but nothing else after. They want to satisfy their selfish needs and quench their un quenchable thirst (or so it seems from my years of experience with these so and so people). My mind does not comprehend their shame in their own self centered mentality, their disgraceful selfishness to tend to their needs and not pay back what is due to others. One day, I will invoice their debt.

I feel like, in all honesty, to bash people on their heads and literally floor them - for the sake of teaching them an everlasting lesson to learn respect, discipline and respect again. To learn to understand that your ways, your looks and your self centered selfishness just does not bode with me and my impatience that I dare blame on those who "love me" (those around me) for my incurable impatience. To teach them that their lifeless invaluable opinions about what I should do in life and so forth, serve me no good and shows a genuine lack of wisdom and respect once again on their end.

Each day this repeats like a burning flame in my soul. I feel forces breaking in me or perhaps dangerous forces trying to break out. One day, as I am a great example of your average 'imperfect human', I will in fact release my anger, fury and undeserved emotional rollercoast of pain, sadness and well anger - to all those who "love me".

I wasted my life today almost ignored at an engagement party like I was practically invisble, sitting at a table with none of my own cousins who were plenty selfish enough to not care to invite me to join them, selfish enough to not invite me into a family picture - and selfish as selfish can be.

Today was a bad day. GOD is always great, but people are the disgrace that GOD's shines grace on for those who hear. Unfortunately not all can hear.

Sorry for the shocking, unexpected "Chad" but although each day is different, each day I am honest nonetheless.

 

[Mike]

Honest Leaders Are Hard To Find

Chad , I Want To Thank-you For Being Open And Honest About You're Feelings . You Have Been Called To A Great Ministry And The Devil Is Mad ! I Also Have Had To Deal With The Same Things As You Have . Where Gods Favor Is , There Is Also Envy , And And Every Evil Work ! Jesus Said That We Would Face Rejection , Just As He Did In His Ministry . Everybody Wants To Feel Approved And Accepted ,this Is Our Nature . The Devil Has Already Lost You , So He Tries To Use Those Close To You As A Measuring Rod For You're Success . If He Can Get You To Feel Unaccepted And Used , Then He Can Stop The Work Of God Through You're Wearyness . Through Christ , You Are Approved And Acceptable To God The Father . You're Willingness To Obey The Call Has Taken People From Playing Church ... To Having Church . This Has Caused The Devil Massive Destruction To His Plan !!! He Loves To Isolate Christians So They Feel Alone And Useless . You're Website Has Allowed The Most Desperate Christians Find Hope And Love . It Has Also Caused Many Of Gods People To Come Together In Prayer And Aggreement For The Lives Of Those He Has Worked So Hard To Discourage ! Chad , I Have Not Been On This Site Long , But I Do Appreciate All You Have Done To Make It Possible . Do Not Be Discouraged , For You Have Built Up Great Rewards In Heaven . Although God Has Appointed You Headship On This Site , He Has Also Made It A Place Of Refuge And Hope For You . We Can Not Just Brush Away Our Hurts And Pains , But We Can Ask The Lord To Help Us Come Through Them . These Things I Know You You Already Understand , However I Am Trying To Stir Them Up In You Again So That You're Strenght May Be Renewed . I Am Already Praying For You And I Want You To Know That You Are Appreciated For All You Do . May The Grace Of God Rest Upon Evrything You Put You're Hands To Do . Mike ... Aka ... Big Brother

 

[gerlene]

God is for us

God is for his children so therefour those that are so in themselves dont matter atall.. Does that make sence? As these people set back and look at your life and see how you handle dissapointments, any thing that the devil tryes to put on you ,they see you rise up above your feelings, knowing how they behaved, they will be put to shame.......We all love you here at Talk Jesus, Chad, we all thank God for your unselfeshness that you oppened up Talk Jesus to us to enjoy. God is still in controll and all ways will be , ..devil is defeated and allways will be.Praise the Lord for ever more Your sister in Christ Jesus Gerlene

 

[jjkirk]

Brother Chad,
Greetings in Christ Jesus.

It is good that you have reached out to your Brothers and Sisters in Christ. We are here for you. As members of the body we are to help one another.

It is apparent by the strength of your emotions, you are in need. I will have you in my prayers, and would reccomend that you would seek counseling.

As a Stephen Minister, I reccomend you speak with your Pastor, and probably a professional counselor/therapist, to help you deal /work through these tough times. We do not want see our Brother in such pain. For there are times in our life when we can only take so much, and the Lord provides an out.

Seeking help is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of Strength. Strength in knowing that with God all things are possible, it is His strength that we need.

May the Peace of the Lord be with you always,
Your brother in Christ,
John.

 

[Chad]

I love you guys. Thanks for your supoprt and understanding. Its been emotionally frustrating lately (long time actually) and I'm not lame weak warrior but I do have flaws and imperfections...I have a 100% need for Jesus of course like everyone else, not just Salvation but everything before it while on earth before the real deal home in Heaven.

 

[Jesuslovesu]

Chad I am saddened to hear of the attack you are under and I will pray for you! Stand strong in Jesus! We all come under attack from time to time and it is great that you turn to your brothers and sisters when in need! (Something I am still trying to get)

 

[Chad]

Thank you everyone. reborn...you may need to click logout a few times.

 

[reborn2001]

I finally got him logged out. I hope you are doing better.

 

[Coconut]

Chad, while reading your message I was reminded of David. I dont think your words were at all shocking for David can be found voicing similiar thoughts in his journal. I went to Matthew Henry`s commentary to share with you something that I pray will encourage you.


Psa 55:12 For it was not my hater who said evil of me; that would have been no grief to me; it was not one outside the number of my friends who made himself strong against me, or I would have kept myself from him in a secret place;


Psalms 55 Commentary - See how David was weary of the treachery and ingratitude of men, and the cares and disappointments of his high station: he longed to hide himself in some desert from the fury and fickleness of his people. He aimed not at victory, but rest; a barren wilderness, so that he might be quiet. The wisest and best of men most earnestly covet peace and quietness, and the more when vexed and wearied with noise and clamour. This makes death desirable to a child of God, that it is a final escape from all the storms and tempests of this world, to perfect and everlasting rest.

The true Christian must expect trials from professed friends, from those with whom he has been united; this will be very painful; but by looking unto Jesus we shall be enabled to bear it. Christ was betrayed by a companion, a disciple, an apostle, who resembled Ahithophel in his crimes and doom. Both were speedily overtaken by Divine vengeance. And this prayer is a prophecy of the utter, the everlasting ruin, of all who oppose and rebel against the Messiah.

In every trial let us call upon the Lord, and he will save us. He shall hear us, and not blame us for coming too often; the oftener the more welcome. David had thought all were against him; but now he sees there were many with him, more than he supposed; and the glory of this he gives to God, for it is he that raises us up friends, and makes them faithful to us. There are more true Christians, and believers have more real friends, than in their gloomy hours they suppose. His enemies should be reckoned with, and brought down; they could not ease themselves of their fears, as David could, by faith in God. Mortal men, though ever so high and strong, will easily be crushed by an eternal God. Those who are not reclaimed by the rod of affliction, will certainly be brought down to the pit of destruction. The burden of afflictions is very heavy, especially when attended with the temptations of Satan; there is also the burden of sin and corruption. The only relief under it is, to look to Christ, who bore it. Whatever it is that thou desirest God should give thee, leave it to him to give it in his own way and time. Care is a burden, it makes the heart stoop. We must commit our ways and works to the Lord; let him do as seemeth him good, and let us be satisfied. To cast our burden upon God, is to rest upon his providence and promise. And if we do so, he will carry us in the arms of his power, as a nurse carries a child; and will strengthen our spirits by his Spirit, so that they shall sustain the trial. He will never suffer the righteous to be moved; to be so shaken by any troubles, as to quit their duty to God, or their comfort in him. He will not suffer them to be utterly cast down. He, who bore the burden of our sorrows, desires us to leave to him to bear the burden of our cares, that, as he knows what is best for us, he may provide it accordingly.

Psa 55:22 Put your cares on the Lord, and he will be your support; he will not let the upright man be moved.



Psa 41 Even my dearest friend, in whom I had faith, who took bread with me, is turned against me. But you, O Lord, have mercy on me, lifting me up, so that I may give them their punishment. By this I see that you have pleasure in me, because my hater does not overcome me. And as for me, you are my support in my righteousness, giving me a place before your face for ever. May the Lord God of Israel be praised, through eternal days and for ever. So be it. So be it.

 

[cranquar]

Rest well.

Chad, I pray that you will be released from all that torments your body and mind. I too have experienced such family matters, and have had to fight off feelings of anger, and distrust in their regard. I am thankful that in those times when I am tempted to release my frustrations with their lack of understanding, and kindness that the word of God rings my heart unto the great law of God that He puts before us who believe. That being the law of love, even of our enemies. After I re-focus then I see more clearly their lack of understanding, envy, pain, or suffering that led to an off color remark or negative reaction etc. And when I remember that I must forgive to be forgiven, it is easier to pray for their enlightenment.

So hang in their my brother. From what I have read here, every one here is pulling, and praying for you. Here's to you overcoming it all, and continuing all your good works.

I also hope that you will rest well:sleep:, and try to find at least a day each week to rest your eyes from the computer screen.:thumbs_up I guess we all come to need a reminder that with God all things are possible, and nothing is impossible, to those who believe.

CQ

 

[Coconut]

WOW, Coconut, thanks for that wonderful post, as I needed it, as well.

Chad, you are covered in prayers, brother. Jesus is the great comforter and the great healer. May the prayers of your Christian family envelope you, carry you and comfort you like a soft warm blanket and bring you peace.

In His mercy, Lanie

Amen! Pray Gods blessing upon you also Lanie

 

[ladybug76]

Chad, I can totally relate to what you are going through! As I read your post, I felt like crying because It spoke to me and made me feel like this is something other people go through besides me! You know this too shall pass, and you are more than a conquerer with Christ Jesus! I will pray for you to have peace, peace that surpasses all understanding!
Love your sister in Christ
Amy

 

[Chad]

Thank you everyone. Your all loved and God bless you all too

 

[lordsria]

Chad I am very sorry to hear that you have been having such a hard time. I have some scipture for you that has helped me to get through times like what you are in and allowed God to lead me to something better.

The first is in the chapter of Luke. It talks about being rewarded later, when it really counts:

Luke 6:20-38 NLT
20 Then Jesus turned to his disciples and said, "God blesses you who are poor, for the Kingdom of God is given to you. 21 God blesses you who are hungry now, for you will be satisfied. God blesses you who weep now, for the time will come when you will laugh with joy. 22 God blesses you who are hated and excluded and mocked and cursed because you are identified with me, the Son of Man. 23 "When that happens, rejoice! Yes, leap for joy! For a great reward awaits you in heaven. And remember, the ancient prophets were also treated that way by your ancestors. 24 "What sorrows await you who are rich, for you have your only happiness now. 25 What sorrows await you who are satisfied and prosperous now, for a time of awful hunger is before you. What sorrows await you who laugh carelessly, for your laughing will turn to mourning and sorrow. 26 What sorrows await you who are praised by the crowds, for their ancestors also praised false prophets.
27 "But if you are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies. Do good to those who hate you. 28 Pray for the happiness of those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you. 29 If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn the other cheek. If someone demands your coat, offer your shirt also. 30 Give what you have to anyone who asks you for it; and when things are taken away from you, don't try to get them back. 31 Do for others as you would like them to do for you. 32 "Do you think you deserve credit merely for loving those who love you? Even the sinners do that! 33 And if you do good only to those who do good to you, is that so wonderful? Even sinners do that much! 34 And if you lend money only to those who can repay you, what good is that? Even sinners will lend to their own kind for a full return. 35 "Love your enemies! Do good to them! Lend to them! And don't be concerned that they might not repay. Then your reward from heaven will be very great, and you will truly be acting as children of the Most High, for he is kind to the unthankful and to those who are wicked. 36 You must be compassionate, just as your Father is compassionate.
37 "Stop judging others, and you will not be judged. Stop criticizing others, or it will all come back on you. If you forgive others, you will be forgiven. 38 If you give, you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full measure, pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, and running over. Whatever measure you use in giving – large or small – it will be used to measure what is given back to you."

The next scripture is Psalm 91. It shows that you need to put your trust in the Lord.

Psalm 91:All NLT
1 Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. 2 This I declare of the LORD: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I am trusting him. 3 For he will rescue you from every trap and protect you from the fatal plague. 4 He will shield you with his wings. He will shelter you with his feathers. His faithful promises are your armor and protection. 5 Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night, nor fear the dangers of the day, 6 nor dread the plague that stalks in darkness, nor the disaster that strikes at midday. 7 Though a thousand fall at your side, though ten thousand are dying around you, these evils will not touch you. 8 But you will see it with your eyes; you will see how the wicked are punished.
9 If you make the LORD your refuge, if you make the Most High your shelter, 10 no evil will conquer you; no plague will come near your dwelling. 11 For he orders his angels to protect you wherever you go. 12 They will hold you with their hands to keep you from striking your foot on a stone. 13 You will trample down lions and poisonous snakes; you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet! 14 The LORD says, "I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. 15 When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue them and honor them. 16 I will satisfy them with a long life and give them my salvation."

The third scripture that I am giving you is Psalm 23, which says that the Lord is with you through all things.

Psalm 23:All NLT
1 A psalm of David. The LORD is my shepherd; I have everything I need. 2 He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. 3 He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. 4 Even when I walk through the dark valley of death, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. 5 You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You welcome me as a guest, anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. 6 Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the LORD forever.

And finally I an giving you something out of Ephesians to help you to remember what God gives you to help you.

Ephesians 6:10-18
10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his great power. 11 Put on the full armor of God so that you can fight against the devil's evil tricks. 12 Our fight is not against people on earth but against the rulers and authorities and the powers of this world's darkness, against the spiritual powers of evil in the heavenly world. 13 That is why you need to put on God's full armor. Then on the day of evil you will be able to stand strong. And when you have finished the whole fight, you will still be standing. 14 So stand strong, with the belt of truth tied around your waist and the protection of right living on your chest. 15 On your feet wear the Good News of peace to help you stand strong. 16 And also use the shield of faith with which you can stop all the burning arrows of the Evil One. 17 Accept God's salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18 Pray in the Spirit at all times with all kinds of prayers, asking for everything you need. To do this you must always be ready and never give up. Always pray for all God's people.

I know that you know all of these already, but I thought that together they might help you to get through this. I will be praying for you as I'm sure a lot of people will be as well.

We all love you Chad. You have given us an awesome site to meet other Christians and to learn more about the bible. This is the only church that some people have. God has given you many wonderful gifts. Please don't lose sight of all He has given you because Satan wants you to. And that is what the devil is doing, you know. Putting stumbling blocks in your path so that you will lose your way.

It's not always easy, but with God, anything is possible!
You are in my prayers Chad.
Your sis, Ria

 

[peeps]

hi there chad. . . i am new on this page. . .i have felt like becoming a christian on this page: So much to discover. .. so much new stuff. . . so many new people to meet, so much love. . .
AND then, after a while everything going great. . . IT HAPPENS: the first test. . fear. . .worry. . . THANK YOU FOR YOUR MAIL. . .you reminded all of us. . . that this is not heaven yet. . . we do have bad days, awful feelings and thoughts. . . mean moments and hateful attitudes. ..

2 things/stories came to my head. . . first of all of the 10 sick people Jesus healed. .. only one returned for thank you .. . we do experience that too. . . a lot of good has been done. . and we can live very long just for the fact that we have done it for God. . . but sometimes. . . we need some feedback, thank you, pat on the shoulder. . .A SMILE.
This is Gods Job! He will reward us, pats our back, smiles at us. .. gives us feedback!

2.)
But if we try to do more than God expected. . because we liked the situation of doing good, liked Gods smile, loved the feedback. . .we start running for more doing good, we start our burn-out phase. .. you sound like that!
And you know what. . .
Two sisters were visited from Jesus: one started cleaning and cooking. .. the other one started resting to his feet and listened to his words!
This is defently OUR Job!
We have to pull back and enjoy Jesus! We have to! We do all day something for Jesus. . .that we forget to be with Jesus. . . he is waiting to take you in his arms and dry all of your tears, Chad.. . Go, spent some time with him, before you start working for him, Im sure you do, but try very new to enjoy his presence, cry with him and let him annoint you new for this service. .. get filled up, before you fill us up. . .or someday you will only do a job! and not a ministry!

I thank you so very much for all of your time on here. .. thanks for all the work you have put in here, the seconds, the minutes, the hours, the days, the weeks, the months, the years!
But we also do like to see you saying. . . I had a wonderful time with Jesus today!
Love you, may God bless you!
Your sis in christ, peeps

 

[Chad]

I'm overwhelmed with your compassion and regards to my health and well being. I am grateful for that and that you are all doing / will be doing this kind of great Christ like serving to one another on the board and in life, in general.

Thank you for being part of Talk Jesus, your prayers and presence. Praise GOD for His awesome EVERTHING!

 

[joyanne]

god bless you chad. i wish i could say something that would really help. people can be cruel. and the devil uses that. i asked god to teach me to love people more, and oh yes he ans my prayers. you know i really hurt now. make sense? no. but love hurts. and the more people you love.... the more hurt. thank god we have someone to talk to, what on earth do people do who do not have jesus. you are in my prayers chad,

 

[peeps]

Hi Chad How is your week going? peeps

 

[lnrobar]

Lately my world has been tumbling down on me emotionally and in certain ways physically. I devote my entire self to my work for GOD on Talk Jesus and my business online literally 24/7 (as much as I can that is). My eyes are red, dry and burn with pain no matter how appropriate I sit on the chair and view at the monitor. I was prescribed some simple eye drops to ease off the years of using Clear Eyes drops (the cause of my red dry eyes).

Emotionally, I'm getting wrecked with aggravation, frustration, loneliness and anger. I'm going deaf about 80% or so, I mumble whispers that are barely understandable when I speak and people by their nature of their flesh, look at me with an obvious hint of laughter. My face is like a permanent expression of anger that I seem to not be able to rid of.

I feel used even by "friends" who want but do not give, family members who ask but do not give and only call when they need something fixed but nothing else after. They want to satisfy their selfish needs and quench their un quenchable thirst (or so it seems from my years of experience with these so and so people). My mind does not comprehend their shame in their own self centered mentality, their disgraceful selfishness to tend to their needs and not pay back what is due to others. One day, I will invoice their debt.

I feel like, in all honesty, to bash people on their heads and literally floor them - for the sake of teaching them an everlasting lesson to learn respect, discipline and respect again. To learn to understand that your ways, your looks and your self centered selfishness just does not bode with me and my impatience that I dare blame on those who "love me" (those around me) for my incurable impatience. To teach them that their lifeless invaluable opinions about what I should do in life and so forth, serve me no good and shows a genuine lack of wisdom and respect once again on their end.

Each day this repeats like a burning flame in my soul. I feel forces breaking in me or perhaps dangerous forces trying to break out. One day, as I am a great example of your average 'imperfect human', I will in fact release my anger, fury and undeserved emotional rollercoast of pain, sadness and well anger - to all those who "love me".

I wasted my life today almost ignored at an engagement party like I was practically invisble, sitting at a table with none of my own cousins who were plenty selfish enough to not care to invite me to join them, selfish enough to not invite me into a family picture - and selfish as selfish can be.

Today was a bad day. GOD is always great, but people are the disgrace that GOD's shines grace on for those who hear. Unfortunately not all can hear.

Sorry for the shocking, unexpected "Chad" but although each day is different, each day I am honest nonetheless.

I am very amazed at your openness and honesty, and you are an awesome person for doing that. I know God is right there with you hoping you will talk to him. He waits for us everyday to give him our problems, but we have to make the first move. I know your life will get better, but you got to turn to the Lord. Don't push him away. He will help you with everything. May god bless you always, and I hope things turn out for the best.

 

[peeps]

Hi Chad, just been thinking how you are doing. . .
how are your eyes doing. . . have you rested and refreshed some?
May God bless you today in your wonderful service to him. . . enjoy your time on this wonderful site with all those beautiful peeps of God!
We are so thankful, that you are there, and that you keep helping us to be on the way with each other. . . God bless you, Chad!