Joke thread

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NBTT

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God created laughter for us to enjoy so here's an attempt at a joke thread. Doesn't need to be God/Jesus related just nothing dirty. We can all use a laugh now and then so please contribute...

Here are a couple to get things started.

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An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.

The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily.

The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels.

One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's going on?

The Devil replies, "Things are great down here since you sent us that engineer."

"What?? An engineer? I didn't send you one of those, that must have been a mistake. Send him back up right this minute."

The Devil responds, "No way! We are going to keep our engineer. We like this guy."

God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"

The Devil laughs. "HOW? I have all the lawyers!"

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A tyrannical King was executing by guillotine an imam, a priest and an engineer for being threats to his authority.

The imam is first and the guillotine blade stops just above his neck. The imam loudly claims it's allah's will and the king lets him go.

The priest is second and the guillotine blade stops just above his neck. The priest loudly claims it's Jesus' will and the king lets him go.

The engineer is third and as he steps up he calmly informs the executioner that his guillotine would function much better if he disengaged the safety latch mechanism located on the other side. :laughing:
 
A pastor, an imam, and a rabbi are discussing what they do with donations to their respective religious organizations with regards to their personal salary. The pastor says that he draws a small circle on the floor, throws the money high up in the air, and whatever lands outside the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands inside the circle, he keeps. The imam uses a similar method. He draws the small circle, but whatever lands inside the small circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands outside, he keeps. The rabbi has a slightly different method of dividing the money. No circle. He throws all the money up in the air. Whatever God wants, He keeps... :laughing:
 
NBTT said:
God created laughter for us to enjoy so here's an attempt at a joke thread. Doesn't need to be God/Jesus related just nothing dirty. We can all use a laugh now and then so please contribute...

Here are a couple to get things started.

---------------------------------
An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.

The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily.

The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels.

One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's going on?

The Devil replies, "Things are great down here since you sent us that engineer."

"What?? An engineer? I didn't send you one of those, that must have been a mistake. Send him back up right this minute."

The Devil responds, "No way! We are going to keep our engineer. We like this guy."

God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"

The Devil laughs. "HOW? I have all the lawyers!"

---------------------------------
A tyrannical King was executing by guillotine an imam, a priest and an engineer for being threats to his authority.

The imam is first and the guillotine blade stops just above his neck. The imam loudly claims it's allah's will and the king lets him go.

The priest is second and the guillotine blade stops just above his neck. The priest loudly claims it's Jesus' will and the king lets him go.

The engineer is third and as he steps up he calmly informs the executioner that his guillotine would function much better if he disengaged the safety latch mechanism located on the other side. :laughing:
Click to expand...
That second one.....
100% true but would most definately happen.
 
Question: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Answer: Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Question: Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Answer: Samson. He brought the house down.
 
There was a certain church with a really bad infestation of squirrels on the property. They tried everything to get rid of them, and nothing worked. The pastor had an idea. The next week at church, there were no more squirrels. The Church board wanted to know how he did it. The pastor said, It was easy; I just saved and water-baptized all the squirrels, and now the only time we will see them is at Easter and Christmas!
 
A post in another thread reminded me of a funny true story.

My dad was in an advanced abstract math class at the PHD level and the professor said "From this equation we obviously get the following equation" then wrote a complex equation that looked nothing like the previous one. One courageous student asked: "I don't understand how you arrived at that equation. Is it really obvious?"

The professor took a step back, scratched his head, put his chin in his hand and stared intensively at the chalkboard and his notes for a long while. He suddenly storms out and said "I'll be back". Several minutes later he storms back in and says: "yes it's obvious" and immediately continued the mathematical proof.
 
NBTT said:
A post in another thread reminded me of a funny true story.

My dad was in an advanced abstract math class at the PHD level and the professor said "From this equation we obviously get the following equation" then wrote a complex equation that looked nothing like the previous one. One courageous student asked: "I don't understand how you arrived at that equation. Is it really obvious?"

The professor took a step back, scratched his head, put his chin in his hand and stared intensively at the chalkboard and his notes for a long while. He suddenly storms out and said "I'll be back". Several minutes later he storms back in and says: "yes it's obvious" and immediately continued the mathematical proof.
Click to expand...
:laughing::laughing:
 
This joke/lesson is so old it has a wikipedia page.

A storm descends on a small town, and the downpour soon turns into a flood. As the waters rise, the local preacher kneels in prayer on the church porch, surrounded by water. By and by, one of the townsfolk comes up the street in a canoe.

"Better get in, Preacher. The waters are rising fast."

"No," says the preacher. "I have faith in the Lord. He will save me."

Still the waters rise. Now the preacher is up on the balcony, wringing his hands in supplication, when another guy zips up in a motorboat.

"Come on, Preacher. We need to get you out of here. The levee's gonna break any minute."

Once again, the preacher is unmoved. "I shall remain. The Lord will see me through."

After a while the levee breaks, and the flood rushes over the church until only the steeple remains above water. The preacher is up there, clinging to the cross, when a helicopter descends out of the clouds, and a state trooper calls down to him through a megaphone.

"Grab the ladder, Preacher. This is your last chance."

Once again, the preacher insists the Lord will deliver him.

And, predictably, he drowns.

A pious man, the preacher goes to heaven. After a while he gets an interview with God, and he asks the Almighty, "Lord, I had unwavering faith in you. Why didn't you deliver me from that flood?"

God shakes his head. "What did you want from me? I sent you two boats and a helicopter."
 
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