Member
I haven't been around much i'm afraid, so i'm sorry to post a prayer request again it seems.
I've just realised or woken up to the fact that what I thought was abuse when i was a girl was actually rape. I have no memory of it, but I'm 99% sure due to an injury and memory of events around it. I couldn't speak about it because I was so intimidated and terrified about the repercussions - my stepfather made threats about my real father.
I want to magic away members of my family so that I can move on. I told my mother that I was sure I was abused some time ago and her response was simply silence and then let's go get an icecream. I have felt very let down by members of my family and although I have prayed and forgiven, I just want to forget and it kind of makes me feel worthless having contact with them.
My whole life up until now has been shaped by this - depression, amnesia, loss of confidence, paranoia, mental illness, inappropriate choice of marriage partner.
I am struggling with my faith. I know that we are not meant to look back, but every time I look in the mirror or try to come to terms with where I am now I find myself drawn back again wondering what I could have done/ why did it happen/how I could have responded differently. I realise that other people may have it worse, but its like all my hopes and dreams crashed. I can't see how my life can be restored here on this earth because I am no longer a little girl with dreams for the future.. I also wonder about babies and children and other people who are abused and lose the will to live or who die. So much happens around the world, and I know that its because this world is fallen - but I don't understand - if God is so powerful and is love, why do so many people suffer? I guess this is a question many people wonder about.
I've just realised or woken up to the fact that what I thought was abuse when i was a girl was actually rape. I have no memory of it, but I'm 99% sure due to an injury and memory of events around it. I couldn't speak about it because I was so intimidated and terrified about the repercussions - my stepfather made threats about my real father.
I want to magic away members of my family so that I can move on. I told my mother that I was sure I was abused some time ago and her response was simply silence and then let's go get an icecream. I have felt very let down by members of my family and although I have prayed and forgiven, I just want to forget and it kind of makes me feel worthless having contact with them.
My whole life up until now has been shaped by this - depression, amnesia, loss of confidence, paranoia, mental illness, inappropriate choice of marriage partner.
I am struggling with my faith. I know that we are not meant to look back, but every time I look in the mirror or try to come to terms with where I am now I find myself drawn back again wondering what I could have done/ why did it happen/how I could have responded differently. I realise that other people may have it worse, but its like all my hopes and dreams crashed. I can't see how my life can be restored here on this earth because I am no longer a little girl with dreams for the future.. I also wonder about babies and children and other people who are abused and lose the will to live or who die. So much happens around the world, and I know that its because this world is fallen - but I don't understand - if God is so powerful and is love, why do so many people suffer? I guess this is a question many people wonder about.