Member
Hi! I am new to the site and need some help. I have battled doubts about my salvation for over 20 years. I never seem to be able to say that I am saved without a doubt. I vaguely remember making two professions of faith prior to the age of 14 but don't remember any details. At the age of 14 I went through a few months of terrifying fear that I was going to be left behind when the rapture happened. I would ask Christ to save me every night before I went to bed but I never told anyone. When the next night would come I worried that I did not do something right and would do it again. I battled this for months before I finally came to the place that I could not handle it any more and on October 17, 1983 I woke my parents up and told them that I thought I was lost. We sat in the living room of my house and there I asked Jesus to please save me. I remember going back to bed that night with the greatest sense of relief and peace that I had ever known. I do not know how many days or weeks this lasted but before long the doubts started all over again and I began asking all kinds of what ifs. Before all was said and done I fell back into a pattern of asking Christ to save me again over and over. I eventually ended up making two more public professions of faith and both times I was doubting even as I was telling the congregation that I had gotten saved. For many years I was able to cast these doubts aside and say that Christ would not reject me and lived a very happy life. But, 5 years ago I had a medical problem that was a possibility of being cancer and my world came crashing down. I always thought that one day I would finally get total assurance but now all of a sudden, even though I was young, I worried that I might die without knowing for sure. I first became angry that God would put me through this when it seemed like financially things were finally coming together for me and my family. Then as the days went by I began to fall into a deep depression because I felt that I might die and go to hell. The harder I tried to pray the more distant I felt God became. I began collecting tracts and reading them hoping that my faith would grow or that a light would come on and I would suddenly believe and not doubt. The more I read my bible and books about salvation the more confusing my world became. I felt like I was losing my mind and wanted to die but I did not want to for fear of going to hell. I felt as though I had no faith and that my existence was hopeless. I eventually snapped out of the initial depression but it has come back repeatedly the last 5 years. I have continued to serve in my local church since I was 14 and even surrendered to the ministry two years ago. I surrendered to the ministry because I thought that this was what God was wanting me to do and for the first week or two it was great, but then I read something on salvation in a commentary and my world crumbled again. I was able to rebound again and I thought God wanted me to start a youth ministry in my church and it went well the first 6 months as I had the opportunity to lead 10 teenagers to Christ. Things have kind of declined this year and all of a sudden about a week ago I began to dwell on the doubts and have fallen into another depression. I have counseled with three pastors and they are all convinced that I am saved based on my testimony but I still wonder if I'm really believing God because I do not feel like when I ask Him to save me that He is going to do it because I have asked so many times before and still ended up doubting it. I am curious if anybody out there can relate to me and if so what should I do.
