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doubting and depressed

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Hi! I am new to the site and need some help. I have battled doubts about my salvation for over 20 years. I never seem to be able to say that I am saved without a doubt. I vaguely remember making two professions of faith prior to the age of 14 but don't remember any details. At the age of 14 I went through a few months of terrifying fear that I was going to be left behind when the rapture happened. I would ask Christ to save me every night before I went to bed but I never told anyone. When the next night would come I worried that I did not do something right and would do it again. I battled this for months before I finally came to the place that I could not handle it any more and on October 17, 1983 I woke my parents up and told them that I thought I was lost. We sat in the living room of my house and there I asked Jesus to please save me. I remember going back to bed that night with the greatest sense of relief and peace that I had ever known. I do not know how many days or weeks this lasted but before long the doubts started all over again and I began asking all kinds of what ifs. Before all was said and done I fell back into a pattern of asking Christ to save me again over and over. I eventually ended up making two more public professions of faith and both times I was doubting even as I was telling the congregation that I had gotten saved. For many years I was able to cast these doubts aside and say that Christ would not reject me and lived a very happy life. But, 5 years ago I had a medical problem that was a possibility of being cancer and my world came crashing down. I always thought that one day I would finally get total assurance but now all of a sudden, even though I was young, I worried that I might die without knowing for sure. I first became angry that God would put me through this when it seemed like financially things were finally coming together for me and my family. Then as the days went by I began to fall into a deep depression because I felt that I might die and go to hell. The harder I tried to pray the more distant I felt God became. I began collecting tracts and reading them hoping that my faith would grow or that a light would come on and I would suddenly believe and not doubt. The more I read my bible and books about salvation the more confusing my world became. I felt like I was losing my mind and wanted to die but I did not want to for fear of going to hell. I felt as though I had no faith and that my existence was hopeless. I eventually snapped out of the initial depression but it has come back repeatedly the last 5 years. I have continued to serve in my local church since I was 14 and even surrendered to the ministry two years ago. I surrendered to the ministry because I thought that this was what God was wanting me to do and for the first week or two it was great, but then I read something on salvation in a commentary and my world crumbled again. I was able to rebound again and I thought God wanted me to start a youth ministry in my church and it went well the first 6 months as I had the opportunity to lead 10 teenagers to Christ. Things have kind of declined this year and all of a sudden about a week ago I began to dwell on the doubts and have fallen into another depression. I have counseled with three pastors and they are all convinced that I am saved based on my testimony but I still wonder if I'm really believing God because I do not feel like when I ask Him to save me that He is going to do it because I have asked so many times before and still ended up doubting it. I am curious if anybody out there can relate to me and if so what should I do.
 
Member
Wow. You are hurting so badly that I want to be careful what I say. As I read your post I wondered how a person like you who has heard from God so many times---and you have borne fruit for the Lord also----I wondered, how is it that you don't think Jesus lives in your heart? The Lord Jesus speaks through the Holy Spirit, who resides in believers hearts.

All those times God spoke to you---that wasn't your imagination--that was the Holy Spirit. This confusion and doubt, this hindrance being handed to you over and over---it's not from God.

Lord Jesus, I call out to You with Kicker in mind. I don't even know if Kicker is male or female, but I know this dear person needs your assurance of salvation. Lord, if Kicker is truly saved, then show him/her once and for all and may he always have this assurance for the rest of his life. Please, Lord.

If not saved, it can be taken care of so humbly, simply, and quickly,...for your salvation is not earned, it is a free gift, a gift of grace, Lord.

This is just my opinion from reading Kicker's post---but Kickers sensitive conscience and love for your work, God, tell me that Kicker most probably knows You. But only You know for sure, God. Work with Kicker on an individual basis, just You and Kicker, and may he/she know for sure before this night is over. Give Kicker someone special, maybe a monitor....who will take time out to pray with him too. In Jesus precious and holy name, Amen.
 
Member
Thanks for the prayers. I often wonder if I was hearing from the Lord or just thinking that I was. I have not been consistent with my prayer life or bible study even though I wish to be close to God. I would love to have the relationship with Him that I hear others talk about. I have thought about quitting but I know I can't. Jesus is the answer I know. I am happy to see people get saved and everytime I sin I regret it. These are proofs according to the Bible but why can't I just trust and move on? There are times that I feel that I don't even believe at all.
 
Member
Hey, how are you today? Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family! I checked your profile and it said you are a happily married male!!! I bet you are a very good husband to your wife. I bet SHE knows you are saved, Kicker.

Peter was someone in the bible who really needed GRACE, ya know? I mean, open mouth, insert foot, right? Peter reminds me of me. But later, Peter became what Christ called a rock. 2nd Peter 3:18 says,"but grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory both now and forever. Amen."

I believe you are already saved and you are growing by grace, don't you?

It is hard for you to accept grace, I've noticed. You are quite hard on yourself. It's very possible you are harder on yourself than God is. The law did not save you. Jesus Christ did. Live by his grace daily. You are already free! Jesus said in John 8:36 that He whom the Son sets free is free indeed.

In the name of Jesus, we tell the evil one that his insinuations toward Kicker that he is not worthy or called or even saved, are null and void!!! In the name of Jesus, let Kicker know that he is not only the man of the house, but a man of God! Amen.
 
Member
Kicker,
I just prayed for one of our sisters on this site. I will pray for you now. Please keep us posted on how things are going. Be honest and open with us. We love you and care about you. So does Jesus.
 
Member
kicker said:
Hi! I am new to the site and need some help. I have battled doubts about my salvation for over 20 years. I never seem to be able to say that I am saved without a doubt. I vaguely remember making two professions of faith prior to the age of 14 but don't remember any details. At the age of 14 I went through a few months of terrifying fear that I was going to be left behind when the rapture happened. I would ask Christ to save me every night before I went to bed but I never told anyone. When the next night would come I worried that I did not do something right and would do it again. I battled this for months before I finally came to the place that I could not handle it any more and on October 17, 1983 I woke my parents up and told them that I thought I was lost. We sat in the living room of my house and there I asked Jesus to please save me. I remember going back to bed that night with the greatest sense of relief and peace that I had ever known. I do not know how many days or weeks this lasted but before long the doubts started all over again and I began asking all kinds of what ifs. Before all was said and done I fell back into a pattern of asking Christ to save me again over and over. I eventually ended up making two more public professions of faith and both times I was doubting even as I was telling the congregation that I had gotten saved. For many years I was able to cast these doubts aside and say that Christ would not reject me and lived a very happy life. But, 5 years ago I had a medical problem that was a possibility of being cancer and my world came crashing down. I always thought that one day I would finally get total assurance but now all of a sudden, even though I was young, I worried that I might die without knowing for sure. I first became angry that God would put me through this when it seemed like financially things were finally coming together for me and my family. Then as the days went by I began to fall into a deep depression because I felt that I might die and go to hell. The harder I tried to pray the more distant I felt God became. I began collecting tracts and reading them hoping that my faith would grow or that a light would come on and I would suddenly believe and not doubt. The more I read my bible and books about salvation the more confusing my world became. I felt like I was losing my mind and wanted to die but I did not want to for fear of going to hell. I felt as though I had no faith and that my existence was hopeless. I eventually snapped out of the initial depression but it has come back repeatedly the last 5 years. I have continued to serve in my local church since I was 14 and even surrendered to the ministry two years ago. I surrendered to the ministry because I thought that this was what God was wanting me to do and for the first week or two it was great, but then I read something on salvation in a commentary and my world crumbled again. I was able to rebound again and I thought God wanted me to start a youth ministry in my church and it went well the first 6 months as I had the opportunity to lead 10 teenagers to Christ. Things have kind of declined this year and all of a sudden about a week ago I began to dwell on the doubts and have fallen into another depression. I have counseled with three pastors and they are all convinced that I am saved based on my testimony but I still wonder if I'm really believing God because I do not feel like when I ask Him to save me that He is going to do it because I have asked so many times before and still ended up doubting it. I am curious if anybody out there can relate to me and if so what should I do.
Kicker: I'm wondering if the full gospel message is being preached in your church. Some churches accent the hellfire and damnation message and ignore or downplay the message of God's love and grace.

Its not enough to be running away from something (hellfire and damnation) when you are saved. It is critical that you be shown the path that you need to run in the direction of God's love and forgiveness.

Please understand that God's love and forgiveness are given freely through Jesus' sacrifice on Calvary. "...a righteousness from God, apart from law, has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by His grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus." (Rom 3:21-24).

SLE
 
Member
I have prayed that God in His mercy might show you through His holy word that you salvation is secure.

Faith cometh by hearing and hearing by the word of God.

Be diligent in reading the word and pray that the Holy Spirit will lead you to the truth and understanding of it so that throug your faith you come to the assurance of your salvation.

God Bless you brother
 
Member
I can provide some clauses.

Romans 8:35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?

John 10:28 I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand.

John 1:29 The next day John saw Jesus coming toward him and said, "Look, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world!
 
Member
kicker, I know you know the Word, but sometimes a little reminder can't hurt! Consider the following verse in John:

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. (John 10:10)

Notice the extreme differences in the traits that charaterize the enemy and the Lord. Rebuke the enemy in the name of Jesus! Do not let the enemy steal your joy, kill your hope and destroy your spirit!!! In the mighty name of Jesus, tell Satan to "Get thee behind me"!!!

The Lord offers us life to the fullest, dear brother! Do as our brothers and sisters here suggest and get back into God's Word! His word is so full of truths and promises...healings and deliverance!!! It's all there waiting for you! BELIEVE in Him who died not just for our sins but so that we might live a life of victory...more than conquerors!!! PRAISE JESUS!


To you first, God, having raised up His Servant Jesus, sent Him to bless you, in turning away every one of you from your iniquities.” (Acts 3:26)


Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. (Romans 8:35,37)


PRAISE THE LIVING GOD!!! These verses should encourage all of us and stir us up! I am praying for you brother!

In His Love
 
Member
kicker~

After I posted my original comments to you, I prayed for you and asked God to show me something or to give me a word that I could share with you. God is good to answer our prayers!!! I am currently reading a book called "The Life The Wins" by Watchman Nee. Oh, dear brother, this is the book for you!!! There is so much in this little book (which you can find at any Hastings for around $5) that will speak directly to you! Here are just a few excerpts from the book that I feel are for you (emphasis and color added by me):


"Victory is not that I have changed, but rather that I have been exhcanged. One verse which is most familiar to us is Galatians 2:20: "I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I that live, but Christ liveth in me: and that life which I now live in the flesh I live in faith, that faith which is in the Son of God." What is meant by this verse? It has only one meaning: the life spoken of is an exchanged life. Basically, it is no longer I, for it has absolutely nothing to do with me. It is not that the bad I has become the good I, or the unclean I has changed to be the clean I. It is simply "not I".


"'God has never demanded that you overcome. He has never asked you to change your bad temper to good temper, your hardness to gentleness, or your sorrow to joy. The way of God is simply to exchange your life for Another Life, which therefore has absolutely nothing to do with you.'"


"'In truth, it is not only hard for you to overcome, it is so hard that it is impossible for you to do so.'"


"But from God's word there come glad tidings of great joy--because though you cannot change, you may neverthless be exchanged! The life that wins is an exchanged life."


"The question is: who overcomes, you or Christ?"


"All these years I have not been able to change myself, yet God has exchanged me. This is holiness, this is perfection, this is victory, and this is the life of God's Son! Hallelujah!"


"The life that wins which we talk about does not require any efforts of yours: "Thanks be to God who giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ" (1 Cor. 15:57). Victory is something which God has prepared to give to us. Our victory is obtained freely, not attained throught self-effort. Too often believers have a serious misconception--imagining that while salvation comes to us freely, victory depends on ourselves."


"Let me tell you that just as you are not saved by works, so you do not overcome by works"


"I have a gospel of glad tidings for you indeed today! God has freely given to you the holiness, the patience, the perfection, the love, and the faithfulness of the Lord Jesus. He freely gives to everyone who desires it. God gives the intimate communion with himself and holy living and perfect beauty such as is found in Christ. This is all a gift. But if you fancy to overcome by yourself, you will not be able to change...even after twenty years of effort. You will remain the same as you were twenty years before."

My brother, this is a word for you! PRAISE JESUS! As Christians, we have to realize that we must QUIT TRYING to "do better". We try and try and try agian only to find that we fail again. Do you know why?! Because we are striving in our flesh! The flesh will fail you every time! Nail that flesh of yours (whatever it is...sadness, anger, lying, lust, etc.) to the Cross DAILY!!!
Jesus Christ has done the work, paid the debt for our sins AND our santification! AMEN!

Nee asks this very relevant question: "What do we really think the cross of Christ has accomplished? Has it accomplished only a little for us?" This is a question for all believers to be asking themselves.

God bless you, kicker!
 
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Member
kicker said:
Thanks for the prayers. I often wonder if I was hearing from the Lord or just thinking that I was. I have not been consistent with my prayer life or bible study even though I wish to be close to God. I would love to have the relationship with Him that I hear others talk about. I have thought about quitting but I know I can't. Jesus is the answer I know. I am happy to see people get saved and everytime I sin I regret it. These are proofs according to the Bible but why can't I just trust and move on? There are times that I feel that I don't even believe at all.
Kicker,

You speak of having the kind of relationship with God that other people talk about. Let me share a saying with you that I found to contain some serious wisdom: "Never compare your insides to someone else's outsides." Appearances can be deceiving.

Several years ago, I put a lot of faith into a TV evangelist and his wife who looked and sounded really good on T. They really had it all togetherr, I thought. Then one day news got oout about an affair he had had with one of the women on the ministry staff and their empire began to crumble. And when it fell, the crash was heard 'round the world.

SLE
 
Member
Kicker,

The best way to know if you are saved/have been reborn is to look at God's word. There are four kinds of people:
1. Christians who are abiding in Christ (1 John 2:28,29)
2. Sinners who are abiding in sin (1 John 2:15,16)
3. Christians who are visiting sin (James 5:16)
4. Sinners who are visiting Christ (2 Tim 3:5, Mat 13:20,21))


"Let that therefore abide in you, which ye have heard from the beginning. If that which ye have heard from the beginning shall remain in you, ye also shall continue in the Son, and in the Father. [1Jo 2:24 KJVR]"

Where do you abide? The unregenerate often leave their home (the World) to visit the Home of God without moving in. Sometimes Christians go to visit our neighbor, sin, in it's home, the world. We don't pack up our bags and move in, though. The question is whose house do you live in, and who are you visiting from time to time? The difference is knowingly and habitually practicing sin verses determining to follow Christ in purpose, thought and deed.

"Hereby know we that we dwell in him, and he in us, because he hath given us of his Spirit. [1Jo 4:13 KJVR]"

Look for evidence of the endwelling of The Spirit in your life. The fruits of The Spirit vs. the signs of sinfullnes are in Gal 5:19-26.

Above all, take encouragement that it doesn't matter when you were reborn, but that you are right now. If you understand that you have sinned (broken God's Law), and cannot ever earn your way to His forgiveness but need the attoning sacrifice of Christ, turn from your sins and to Him, You are born again! A great example of a prayer of repentance is Psalms 51.

After that you are sealed by the Holy Spirit. Realize there will be slip ups and we all need God's forgiveness and to rely on Christ's sacrifice everyday.


God bless you!
 
Member
"And we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." (2 Cor 10:5b)

Use this verse to wrest control away from the enemy when such negative thoughts bombard you. Where our emotions are concerned, Satan is like a mischievous little kid messing with the control panel buttons in an elevator. He'll have you going up-down-up-down-up-=down for hours if you let him.

SLE
 
Member
SpiritLedEd said:
"And we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." (2 Cor 10:5b)
Use this verse to wrest control away from the enemy when such negative thoughts bombard you. Where our emotions are concerned, Satan is like a mischievous little kid messing with the control panel buttons in an elevator. He'll have you going up-down-up-down-up-=down for hours if you let him.
SLE
Good response SpiritLedEd.

(quoted from kicker)I have counseled with three pastors and they are all convinced that I am saved based on my testimony but I still wonder if I'm really believing God because I do not feel like when I ask Him to save me that He is going to do it because I have asked so many times before and still ended up doubting it. I am curious if anybody out there can relate to me and if so what should I do.
Salvation rests in the Savior not the recipient. I know many have probably told you that God can not lie and that by faith through grace we are saved. These are truths and there is no variableness in God. He is the Faithful One.

Is it possible that although you know what the bible says about God that you have had limited experiences with Him? Your doubts will not leave just by mere knowledge of what men say the bible says, but they will diminish as you begin to know God personally. Our knowledge of God must be experiential, otherwise it is theory and not reality.

My advice is spend time with the Father, Son and Holy Ghost. Let any and all assurance you have be built up by them. I promise they won't let you down.
 
Member
this is a message for kicker

hi kicker. I read you post and you say that you hurting, well I hurting , but I know that jesus will help me thought it, anyway, if you are still having problems let me know and I'll help you. I hope you still believe in jesus, coz , in the bible it says if you believe in him you WILL be save, just trust jesus to save to you and if you do trust him you WILL be save, you got nothing to worry about. let me know if I can help ?.
 
Member
Kicker,

It's nearly four months since your first post on this subject and I pray that things have gotten better for you.

I believe that God gave me a word for you as I re-read you first post tonight. I think He is saying that, though you have never had a good, positive male role model in your life and therefore, you have a hard time trusting men, He is your Heavenly Father and if you will look to Him for guidance, He will give it to you. He will show Himself to you in power.


SLE
 
Member
SpiritLedEd said:
Kicker,
It's nearly four months since your first post on this subject and I pray that things have gotten better for you.
I believe that God gave me a word for you as I re-read you first post tonight. I think He is saying that, though you have never had a good, positive male role model in your life and therefore, you have a hard time trusting men, He is your Heavenly Father and if you will look to Him for guidance, He will give it to you. He will show Himself to you in power.SLE
Amen, I concur and confirm SLE, and I too hope things are better for you Kicker please heed the Word.
 
Member

Eve

saved

Hi Kicker,

I have no doubt that you are saved. I can understand where you are coming from as I have been there. A Christian I respected kept talking to me about if I was sure that I was saved and kept asking me if I was saved all the time. It was like going through the torments of hell. I started to seriously doubt until I spoke with my Aunt and she went through some questions and I answered honestly.

It gave me reasurance that other Christians that I respected knew I was saved even though I had doubted myself. It turned out that the Christian who had sowed the seed had her own self doubt problems and these were transferred onto me.

I hope my experience may have helped you in some way. I hope you are feeling better soon.


God Bless:love:

Eve
 
Administrator
Staff Member
Brothers and sisters, I'm sorry to burst your bubble but under his name you can see this

"Last Online: 12-01-05"

He has not been on for 6 months. You can send him a private message, not sure if he will even check it. Otherwise, pray that he will see this thread and be uplifted!

He has chosen to not receive emails from other members and in respect to that I will not change it to "on".

God bless you all
 
Member
Kicker, I'm actually going through the same thing that you are going through, I understand your situation.
 

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