Betrayed By A Friend

[poobear]

I have a sticky problem. A little background. I've been married for 19 years and have been faithful throughout. The marriage is not that great since I am the recipient of neglect and mostly emotional abuse. I came across a friend even though I was not looking for one and the hot foot used this opportunity to try to tempt me. I stumbled somewhat but did not fall and in the end resisted the temptation and cut off all contact with that person, which was online only.

Now here is the problem. I had another friend of whom I confided in about this and asked for prayers when the tempter tried to contact me again and it all seemed to go downhill from there. I was interrogated like the inquisition and even gave my friend emails showing who said what and I was totally honest and yet he still seemed to not believe me. I cut off contact with the tempter and have kept it that way and have no inclination to contact him ever again.

My problem is that my friend seems to have rejected me and I am having trouble dealing with it. Like I said I have been honest with him and have not been inappropriate even though he claims I have. I did once tell him he had a beautiful face but since it offended him I apologized and never did that again. I have not said anything even remotely kinky to him yet he claims I have been inappropriate. I don't get it. I just encouraged him in his work and studies. I thought he was a very godly man and that is the main reason I liked him but now I am thinking he is a selfish and snobbish individual but I really feel hurt by all that has transpired.

I must have been talking to him for close to 2 years I think but it seems he doesn't like me anymore or maybe he never did. I've tried to resolve issues but it just seems to get worse. I am very frustrated and have told him off and lastly I called him a name which I can't post here. That is the other problem. I told him I have a problem with foul language but out of respect for him I refrained from using it since it bothers him so much. I am not totally perfect and am not a religious hypocrite so I try to be real and not phony. I guess that backfired on me.

I really tried to be nice to the guy and he did give me some emotional support when I had a really bad time a couple months ago but now it is like there is no friendship anymore. I just don't understand him. I even changed my email address so I don't have to read his condemning emails anymore and the last message he said he didn't like my tone, whatever that means, and said he will delete any further emails from me. I sent him two more stating that wasn't very nice and that is where I told him off and called him that name. I have no clue whether he read it or not but I have no way of knowing what is really in his head and why this has all happened. I am very hurt by all of this and don't know what I should do. I could contact him again but what would change? I could say I'm sorry but would he believe me?

He seems to think I am some kind of immoral Proverbs woman which is not true. I stay home taking care of grandbaby and my small business and am a keeper of the home. I don't really go anywhere and I don't party, drink, gossip with the neighbors, etc. I live a quiet life and try to mind my own business. I feel very abused by this person and am not pleased at all with what has happened.

Out of respect for privacy I won't release any names but will post some snippets of the kinds of comments I am getting. What really is this? I feel this is totally undeserved and right now I feel like a total piece of garbage because of this.

Quote: Hello,

I deleted your last two e-mails as I could see that they were just the attacks of one who's conscience was touched, and who was thus aggravated against the one who touched it, and which were also an attempt of the flesh at self-justification.

Looking at the opening of your latest e-mail, I can see the same. I have exercised patience with you, more, I suppose, than many others have, I would dare to say, and you have acted inappropriately concerning the fact of your being married. I am not in contact with ******, and I only spoke to him about it in order to get to the bottom of what had gone on between you two, so that I could act responsibly, with the Lord's honor in mind, considering the matter of association with evil. I prayed for you both that you may be reconciled and that this problem may be rectified.

I will almost certainly delete any more e-mails from you, considering the tone they have taken recently.

End of Quote

There are no attacks of conscience since I rectified that previous temptation and this is over 2 years ago now I think. I've never been inappropriate at least not to my thinking. I really feel this is undeserved and I have no idea where this is all coming from. Is he secretly in love with me and creating distance or playing some kind of cruel joke on me? I have no clue.

Also I don't get his accusations of self-justification. I admitted the temptation was wrong and I fixed it with actions not just words. It will never happen again. I was just telling my friend how I live which is how I live. I really don't go anywhere and certainly don't have a wild lifestyle by any means. He considers that self-justification?

I also don't get why he mentions many. Many what? Many men? That is a joke. I don't have man friends and the only men I have talked to online have been the tempter which is done with and my friend. My friend was the only one I talked to so there is no many yet he accuses me of that? Why on earth would he say that when it is not true at all.

This really hurts being misjudged like this and it seems there is nothing I can do about it. It seems the more I defend myself the worse it gets.

Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you,

 

[Thiscrosshurts]

The marriage is not that great

This is the real problem,you are lacking in companionship from your spouse.That is painful and you are seeking relief through outside relationships.
I don't get the impression that you are seeking romance but I do feel you might be vulnerable to it.It could be that your christian friend did develop feelings for you that he may now feel are inappropriate.

I would like to encourage you to pray for your spouse and your marriage.
The one your truly seeking is Jesus,because your whole family needs the grace and renewal only he can bring.

I pray that you receive wisdom and clarity concerning God's wonderful design for you and your awesome family.
Peace

 

[Brighthouse]

Hi Sister poobear. As soon as i began reading you message, a few things went into my mind on this.1. Do you get the feeling another is looking to take control of your very life? I sure do. For a woman or a man,we presently are what we are,if another cannot accept this,then they have no worth themselves!

I remember being younger,yes I was once younger!!LOL I looked to change, for another,it never worked out,because we our selfs can never betray who we really are,it always comes out in the end!

I do understand the problem with ah bad language? I could curse the wall paper off the wall! What most are seaching for is to become secure in themselves,this my sister I alone could not do! I needed great help in this! I noticed you did not talk about any relationship with the Lord in this message,I judge you not in this!

I just wanted you to know that sometimes it is what we do not see in a message that has greater bearing on what one writes. You have stepped back from this person,and who can blame you! It is not only words that can cause us to act upon something,God did give us feeling, to know many things without speaking them to others,as I can see you have done here.

Humbly I ask you to consider something that you have lacked. Yep you know what I am going to say, don't you? I have to Poobear!! Jesus loves us no matter what!! Even though we lack so much,even though we make so many mistakes,God is not there to beat you up!! Not in action,or in words!

God gave you your very own mind!! With this mind he himself gave you,he wants you to do just one thing. Let Jesus love you! Now if there is something that has happened in your life, that makes you discard his love,then please reconsider, that is what our minds are for. To think with,to dwell on.

If I did something wrong to you,and felt bad about it,as you have here,I would want your forgiveness in this as well. But we cannot forgive,until we have received such forgiveness ourselves. We cannot do what we have never learned,as may just be this persons case!

Personally I do not believe you have done anything wrong,but you know far better then me! Jesus did not come to judge us,he came to save us from being lost without him!!( matt 18:11) We cannot look to man,or woman,we first must look unto our creater,for who knows us better? And who has all the answers for our life? Not the world that is for sure.Only Jesus does.

Consider this my sister. Look to start by doing the only thing I could do at the time! Let Jesus love you. Let him in. I cannot give you all,not even most answers in life! I can only show you the door,where Jesus waits for you to open unto him.( rev 3:20) For the door I show you leads to the answer you, as I needed most!!

To be loved just as you are right now,do you need to become a better person? I sure do not know anyone who does not sis. To begin in any race, we must first find the place to start at. This sister is the starting blocks. Find a good Bible based Church,because you have so many good gifts the Lord himself has need of!!

When we look to help another,we are also helped. Here is a part of the Body of Christ,here we all are branches, that extend out word,so that others can see love in our hands. I hope this has helped not only to encourage you,but to give you a fresh start in Jesus.My prayers are sure with you Poobear.

 

[poobear]

Thanks for the response, Thiscrosshurts. You are right about the lack of companionship in the marriage. I have confronted my husband on this many times. He might make an effort to improve but then goes back to the same old thing again. I think he takes me for granted and thinks I will never leave.

I really don't expect too much so I don't see the problem. I am able to keep myself occupied and don't even phone him at work unless it's an emergency. I have also put up with his tendency to want to work work and work. I am willing to compromise but he needs to give a little on his end of it.

This problem has been ongoing for a long time. I think staying faithful for 19 plus years is pretty good considering the circumstances but I guess this neglect is starting to wear on me.

I've had some really bad things happen to me a couple of months ago that I don't want to elaborate on right now and am working through it in my mind. I tend to analyze things to death but that is how I process problems. I like answers and resolution. I've been praying about my marriage for a while now and have asked God for answers but so far no clear answers have been received.

I'm playing the wife role but life is more complicated than that. I have also lost a lot of feelings for my husband because of how I have been treated over the years and have directly told him this so he can't say he doesn't know. Even though, I am still staying and hopefully the feelings come back but I think it will take a long time.

 

[poobear]

Thanks for the response, Brighthouse. Yes, I think perhaps my so called friend is a bit controlling. Lots of luck to him though. He'll find it really hard to control me. I even told him so once and if he didn't believe me he could ask my husband about that one.

As for changing for another? You are right. Seems once you have jumped through one hoop they have four more for you to jump through. Some people are never satisfied. I refrained from the foul language out of respect for him but he obviously didn't see that or appreciate the effort. I'm sure he has faults of his own but he never seems to admit to any and that is odd. I have apologized to him more than once and I have not received a sincere apology from him even when I directly informed him that what he said hurt me. I think he has a major pride problem and I told him so in one of those last messages which he probably didn't read.

I just don't get all of this. I opened up to this person and seemed to get a slap in the face for it. I really don't see how a believer in Christ can be so cold and snobbish. I think he is a bit too uppity and cranial and is missing the heart connection. Faith comes from the heart and not the head.

As for my faith, I have been a believer since I was about 12 years old. I know God is love and I converse with Christ all day long. I don't have a problem with knowing that Christ loves me and I know that he is always with me and many things have happened to me to prove that this is true but this is a problem I have with a person.

Another thing that comes to mind is Satan being the accuser of the brethren. God works through people and so does Satan so perhaps this is a sneaky attempt from the evil one to bring me down. Nothing new. I may be down temporarily but I get back up and will continue to do so. God sustains me through all things so the pathetic attempt of the so called friend to try to control me is just that, pathetic.

One other thing I find strange is that the more I was nice to my friend the more angry he seemed to get. It really bothered him for some reason and I also find that strange.

Maybe that is the problem. Maybe he is not used to being treated kindly and he doesn't know how to receive it. Probably uses the cold front to keep people at a distance. But then again maybe he just doesn't care. Only he knows and he chooses not to reveal.

Also kind of funny. He was nice at times and then pulled back. Very strange. I am very good at communicating, and no I am not bragging, but he lacks in this area so that makes it hard to figure out what is behind all of this.

I'll have to continue to ask God for direction regarding this and just wait for answers. Patience is not one of my virtues so I will wait and see. Maybe I will contact him once more and apologize for that name I called him and try to get through to him but probably would be a waste of time. He seems too cold. Kind of like trying to melt an iceberg in the middle of winter.

 

[Thiscrosshurts]

Another thing that comes to mind is Satan being the accuser of the brethren. God works through people and so does Satan so perhaps this is a sneaky attempt from the evil one to bring me down. Nothing new. I may be down temporarily but I get back up and will continue to do so.

I get the feeling that is probably what is happening.
The enemy may not be able to take you out or down permanently
so it goes after your witness and integrity.
What it truly seeks is to hurt as many innocent people as possible through failed relationships.
It wants all the people that you have witnessed to over the years to think there is no difference between you and any unbeliever.

Your relationship with your spouse IS the main target.
Where is the person you married,it sounds like he has been buried under the cares of the world and is fast asleep.He needs help to
become human again,please don't give up on him.I will pray with you that he wakes up and his eyes and ears are opened to life again.

All you need to do to help him is pray,believe and be the person he fell in love with.Try to remember who you were and who he was.

Also remember your union with your spouse is a "person" before God.
The two saith he shall be one.So if a lamb is missing from the flock will the Shepard go and find it?
I will also pray that God equip you with lawyers,guns and money(Holy Spirit,power and favor).

 

[poobear]

Thiscrosshurts: Christians are Satan's main target.

The person I married is still here. He hasn't really changed a whole lot. He has softened up some but that is over years and years and I am tired of trying. He was like this from the beginning with the work and somewhat cold attitude. Makes me wonder why I even married him.

I think I married the wrong person and will need to wait for God to either deliver me out of this longstanding mess or hopefully the marriage improves. My husband has good qualities but they don't make up for the neglect and emotional abuse I receive.

The two become one I already know about. Also the husband is supposed to love the wife as Christ loved the church. Not too many people talk about that but focus on wifely submission at the expense of love. Therefore many unhappy wives enduring abuse and neglect all because of religion.

Not to be rude but my focus was on my friend betraying me and not my marriage. I'm still really hurt by my friend and it seems that he may even be colder than my husband. Which is quite a shock.

Maybe all men are jerks. Seems that way. Very few real Godly men out there who are sincere and not just fake pretenders.

Bottom line is I am not leaving my marriage at this time and I am not cheating or going to cheat and I am still upset and very disappointed in my friend.

I will just keep praying to God for resolutions to all of this and wait for the answers.

Thanks.

 

[Giggles4God]

My husband is a very godly man. There are others out there just so you know

I would advise you that if you need an accountability partner not to choose one from the opposite sex unless it is your husband.

 

[poobear]

Giggles4God: Accountability partner for what? I'm not doing anything. I stay home take care of my home, work on my small business and take care of my grandbaby. In fact I just finished putting together a new computer desk for the main floor so I don't have to work late at night when the baby is sleeping.

Don't worry I wouldn't cheat. I don't even go anywhere to meet a real live man so who am I supposed to cheat with? This is ridiculous. I guess no matter where I go I always get misjudged. I'm totally sick of this.

 

[Giggles4God]

I didn't mean to make you upset and I was not judging you. I was giving you some advice because of this friend who betrayed you. I never try to share things, deep things with people who are the opposite sex unless it is my husband. You don't know what can happen when you do that. Satan will use any and all things, people, situations to get our minds off of God and onto other things.

I truly did not mean to upset you. I'm sorry.

 

[lilyR]

Hi sis,I am praying for your situation. It seems your mind is set on this person who has made you upset.There must be a reason for him not keeping in touch either he thinks its inappropriate on his part or his battling within himself...emotions getting involved and feels uncomfortable.Forgive, pray for him and let him be and pray for restoration in your household."Watch and pray that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing but the flesh is weak" Matthew 26:41.

We are all human,We all have sinned and come short of the glory of God( But God redeems and delievers us all if we ask him) and no one can Judge you, thats God's place. People are giving advice, with the love of God in them, They care.

Sister, pray for your marriage and your home...for your husband, for God to restore all that is lost, for God to be the centre...If you continue believing and asking God, enduring...he wont disappoint you.If God is for you who can be against you?
Prayer is the master key, Jesus started with prayer and ended with prayer.
This is what God says:

If you say: Its impossible
God says: All things are possible (luke 18:27)

If you say: "I can't go on"
God says: My grace is sufficient
(2 corinthians 12:9, psalm 91:15)

If you say: " I'm too tired"
God says: I will give you rest
( Matthee 11:28-30)

If you say: " I can't figure it out"
God says: I will direct your steps
( proverbs 3:5-6)

If you say: " I cant do it"
God says: You can do all things through christ ( philipians 4:13)

If you say: " I am not able"
God says: I am able ( 2 cori 9:8)

If you say: " Its not worth it anymore"
God says: It will be worth it
( Romans 8:28)

If you say: "I can't forgive myself"
God says: I FORGIVE YOU
( 1 John 1:9, Romans 8:1)

If you say: " I can't manage"
God says: I will supply all your needs
( philipians 4:19)

If you say: " I am afraid"
God says: I have not given you the spirit of fear but of power, love and soundmind ( II Timothy 1:7)

If you say: " I'm always worried and frustrated"
God says: Cast all you cares on ME
( 1 peter 5:7)

If you say:"I don't have enough faith"
God says: I've given everyone a measure of faith ( Romans 12:3)

If you say: " I feel all alone"
God says: I will never leave you or forsake you. ( Hebrews 13:5).

May the grace of our lord Jesus Christ be with you always.
Love In Christ

 

[poobear]

Giggles4God: The tip off was the accountability partner. I thought that was usually made in reference to people who wanted to be held accountable in regards to some type of addiction like alcohol, drugs or whatever. Sorry but I have enough problems and don't have any addictions. Just a misunderstanding. Apology accepted.

As for the friend I already had the inclination that he was a very Godly man so thought he could be trusted. I don't just trust anyone that easily and usually am quite reserved regarding my life. However, I was going through a really bad time and needed some support.

My husband is not very communicative so sharing deep things with him would not work. Besides, he has caused me a lot of trouble so why would I trust him? Not going to happen. It would take too long to elaborate on all of this here so I'm not going to bother even trying. All I know is that in time everything will fall into place one way or another.

Another thing regarding the friend. The problem with him is that he is too prideful and self-righteous. I think he can be trusted in some ways but he seems to have trouble communicating and seems to use avoidance to solve problems which really doesn't solve anything. I've found with experience that very religious people are usually quite cold and self-righteous. Everything is fine until something happens to test the relationship and/or their loyalty. Kind of like the religious Pharisees in the Bible that Jesus had lots of trouble with.

 

[Christ4Ever]

Don't worry I wouldn't cheat. I don't even go anywhere to meet a real live man so who am I supposed to cheat with?

Sister poobear,
The below scripture will show you that you don't need "a real live man" to cheat with. Regardless of the situation you're in, when you run to a person of the opposite sex, you're providing an opportunity for Satan to dangle the thought of "what if?" or "maybe it could have been different", etc...all these thoughts are set to create a crack not between you and your husband which it could, but between you and God.

Matthew 5:27,28 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: but I say unto you, that whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.

Maybe all men are jerks. Seems that way. Very few real Godly men out there who are sincere and not just fake pretenders.

Being a man, I appreciate your honest assessment of us.

All men are not jerks, but we all are sinners. Understand you don't have to apologize....lol....sadly, we all are tempted in one fashion or another. It's what we do when it happens. I've been married 28 years come December and I thank God everyday for the blessing He has allowed to share my life with. Even though a lot of times I may not understand that blessing.

When times were difficult and should they become so again, I didn't turn and unless God directs me otherwise, I won’t turn to other people. Instead I will turn to God and His Word. For you He might lead you down another path, say like here at TJ and sisters who are trying to help carry the burden. To brothers in Christ who by their example might provide you a perspective of a Godly man which is the other half of one.

I've come to see that a part of the route cause of unhappiness in relationships, is that we compare what we have with what we perceive that others have. Be it, in church, TV, internet, magazines or what have you. The world even if we don’t go out, still gets in and exposes us to a standard that is ungodly to the core.

If times get hard dear sister, and I can never tell you that they aren't for you or won’t be in the future. Remember above all else, who had it even harder and that He did it for you. Stay strong dear sister.

Praying for you and your family. That the peace that only He can give, falls on your spirit, like rain and that His guiding Spirit will direct you in all that you do and in so doing that your family may know in their lives the unifying and limitless love that is Jesus Christ. In His Holy Name I ask Amen.

YBIC
C4E

 

[comingjoy]

Poobear,

Hi, I pray this helps to encourage you. I am drawing upon personal expierences here. Just like any advice one gives another, we should pray first before given advice and then also pray over the advice. That which is of God we keep and try to apply that which is not we discard. No matter what gender one is we should be careful sharing with the opposite gender, more so when married. An accountablitiy partner helps us to focus on God not on circumstances or others. This should be of the same gender. This helps keep both from being tempted to cross the line. Sharing this I would like to offer a suggestion.

When I found myself struggling in my marriage, I would first go to God. There I knew I could complain and vent without causing another to think poorly of my spouse. I found when I went to God that God showed me that I was actually being judgemental over my spouse. The scripture that kept being laid on my heart was. Take the log out of my own eye before trying to take the log out of my spouses. You see I am far from perfect as well. The best thing we can do is let go of our spouse in the manner of wishing they would be better to us or do more for us. When we focus on our circumstances or people we can sink, We need to learn to refocus. When we go to God and say God "I am letting go of my frustrations and hurts of my spouse and turning him/her over to You" we then free ourselves up to focus on what God wants to do in us. Let God work on their hearts. Our words are to edify and build each other up. When I found myself complaining I had to remember that I too am far from perfect and wondered what my spouse may think I am doing wrong.

I would like to encourage you to keep praying. The enemy outside of wanting souls to burn in hell, would love to see marriages fall apart. You shared how you have seen a slight improvement. PRAISE GOD that is awesome. Thank God for the improvements you see focus on what your spouse does well and leave the others in prayer with God. Focus on what God is asking of you. No relationship is without its own problems. So may we each go to God first then let HIM lead you to who to share and pray with again this should be of the same gender.

Keep looking to God, He has the answers and knows your spouses heart better than anyone. Continue to uplift him in prayer focus on the good and what God is asking you to do to serve Him. We are to love unconditionally, nowhere does that say it will always be easy.

Father God, I uplift this couple to You. I ask for Your healing hand and guidance. I pray for strength as well as a Godly love to pour down upon them. I pray You will guide poobear to a Godly women she can trust to help her pray through the difficult days. Protect this marriage. You are all knowing, You see and know how it all works out. May we each focus and trust in You. I ask this in Your precious and holy name AMEN

Poobear, by focusing on what God was revealing to me to work on in me helped me to not develop a bitter or resentful spirit. Continue to trust God no matter how long it takes as HE will NEVER lead you astray.

 

[lilyR]

Poobear,

Hi, I pray this helps to encourage you. I am drawing upon personal expierences here. Just like any advice one gives another, we should pray first before given advice and then also pray over the advice. That which is of God we keep and try to apply that which is not we discard. No matter what gender one is we should be careful sharing with the opposite gender, more so when married. An accountablitiy partner helps us to focus on God not on circumstances or others. This should be of the same gender. This helps keep both from being tempted to cross the line. Sharing this I would like to offer a suggestion.

When I found myself struggling in my marriage, I would first go to God. There I knew I could complain and vent without causing another to think poorly of my spouse. I found when I went to God that God showed me that I was actually being judgemental over my spouse. The scripture that kept being laid on my heart was. Take the log out of my own eye before trying to take the log out of my spouses. You see I am far from perfect as well. The best thing we can do is let go of our spouse in the manner of wishing they would be better to us or do more for us. When we focus on our circumstances or people we can sink, We need to learn to refocus. When we go to God and say God "I am letting go of my frustrations and hurts of my spouse and turning him/her over to You" we then free ourselves up to focus on what God wants to do in us. Let God work on their hearts. Our words are to edify and build each other up. When I found myself complaining I had to remember that I too am far from perfect and wondered what my spouse may think I am doing wrong.

I would like to encourage you to keep praying. The enemy outside of wanting souls to burn in hell, would love to see marriages fall apart. You shared how you have seen a slight improvement. PRAISE GOD that is awesome. Thank God for the improvements you see focus on what your spouse does well and leave the others in prayer with God. Focus on what God is asking of you. No relationship is without its own problems. So may we each go to God first then let HIM lead you to who to share and pray with again this should be of the same gender.

Keep looking to God, He has the answers and knows your spouses heart better than anyone. Continue to uplift him in prayer focus on the good and what God is asking you to do to serve Him. We are to love unconditionally, nowhere does that say it will always be easy.

Father God, I uplift this couple to You. I ask for Your healing hand and guidance. I pray for strength as well as a Godly love to pour down upon them. I pray You will guide poobear to a Godly women she can trust to help her pray through the difficult days. Protect this marriage. You are all knowing, You see and know how it all works out. May we each focus and trust in You. I ask this in Your precious and holy name AMEN

Poobear, by focusing on what God was revealing to me to work on in me helped me to not develop a bitter or resentful spirit. Continue to trust God no matter how long it takes as HE will NEVER lead you astray.

Amen and Amen!

 

[poobear]

Christ4Ever: Okay I don't know how to say this nicely but it really irks me when people don't listen. I did not say anything inappropriate to my friend. If you think encouraging someone in their work and studies is inappropriate then so be it. I think he has a super sensitive conscience which is good in some ways but not when you use it to unjustly condemn someone else.

I said maybe all men are jerks. I'll rephrase that to most men which would be true. If I ever had to start all over again I would not just be with any man after all I have been through. I'm old enough to know what is good and what is not.

I would agree with the comparing if that is what I was doing but that is not the case. I'm not the typical female that watches soap operas or much tv really and I don't read secular magazines or tabloids since they are junk. I don't go for worldly standards so you are a bit out of bounds there. I don't need to compare my husband to anyone to know that I am unhappy with the way I am treated sometimes. My friend is a separate individual and I don't need to compare him either. However, I don't like my friend's lack of empathy and coldness and lack of communication unless he has a really good explanation for all of it.

He could of been a real man and not a coward and said that he cared about me but felt it might be best to not talk to each other anymore and I would have accepted that. Then if I was ever free then I could let him know. But he misjudged me and rejected me and that is a very unchristian and hurtful thing to do in my opinion.

I know you are trying to help but it is really frustrating when I feel I am not being understood. My reason for posting was about my friend and not my marriage. I've been married for 19 years so if I've lasted this long I'm sure I can go a little further if need be.

 

[comingjoy]

Poobear,

Hi again, the reason I wrote what I did about ones marriage is the back ground given in the first part of the article. The suggestion I gave about ones spouse holds true with all who we encounter. Keep your friend uplifted in prayer, hand him over and the friendship to God. Focus on what God is wanting to do in your life. It is so easy for lines to be crossed when dealing with the opposite gender. None of us here know what your friend was thinking or feeling. So we should be careful to not assume anything. But this again goes to show when one is married we need to be ever so careful with what we share to the opposite gender.

The enemy would love for you to become bitter towards all men, but that is not of God. Draw close to God, pour out your heart and hurts to HIM. He sees your tears and so wants to bring healing on ALL levels in your life. God will show you what to do about your friendship with this person if one is willing to listen. When hurt is brought into a relationship it can run deep, no matter if it is in a marriage or between friends. You are not only so very precious to God, but are loved by Him. Lean on Him and trust Him to heal and guide your steps.

 

[poobear]

comingjoy: I don't have any man friends and I believe that to be the norm. However this whole thing started out on a place where I did theological videos and I was not looking for friendship from anyone. First the hot foot sent me the tempter and I dealt with him and that is finished. It was a temptation, that is all.

The friend is different. I made an exception in his case because he seemed like a very Godly man. Then I went through a very bad time and he gave some emotional support. However he tends to be a bit self-righteous and he has misjudged me. Seems like a closed off individual to some degree that probably needs love but I am not free to give him any.

And not to justify but when a husband neglects his wife he is putting her in a weak position. Putting up for 1, 2 or 3 years is not the same as 19. I'm taking stock of my life and really don't want to waste the rest of my life being neglected and mistreated.

And there goes the accountability partner again. Accountability for what? What is your accusation? Except for the above mentioned I stick to myself and have no as in zero man friends. I talk to my husband and tell him what bothers me and he knows but I'm getting sick of all of this and don't want to spend the next 21 years like this. In case you're wondering I've know him for 21 years and been married for 19.

It's nothing to do with being perfect as you call it. Maybe you like abuse but I don't and I won't support it. If it was just the usual I'm not perfect then who cares. I'm not suppose to wish my husband treat me better? Really??? So maybe I should just roll over on the floor and let my husband walk over me and then kick me when he is done? Sorry but I'm not into being a doormat and to me it is not normal to not expect good treatment in a marriage. I'm not going to approve of or support my husband's abuse of me.

And of course one must also look at themselves but that doesn't mean that it is okay for someone to treat me like garbage. And building up goes both ways. If you are old enough you know that just because you are kind to someone does not guarantee that they will be kind to you in return. It would be nice if it really worked that way but sometimes it does not.

I think it is time for me to end this conversation. I am getting kind of angry because I feel I am not being understood at all. How much more do you want me to serve my husband? What am I? A nothing? A doormat? A piece of doggy doo doo? I have been depressed a long time and am probably close to being clinically depressed by now especially with the latest friend rejection and I am holding on and just trying to survive emotionally. I have nothing left to give. I am worn out and tired and I will not do anymore than I have already done. If my husband can't treat me like a decent human being then the marriage will have to ultimately end. If not it will destroy me emotionally and I don't need to justify myself to anyone since I am the one going through the pain and I am the one who has to live this day after day.

I think I made a big mistake coming here and I am sorry for wasting all of your time.

Thank you and good-bye.


I'm done. Thanks for the help but I'm not much into platitudes. Reminds me of the Book of Job and his friends.

 

[poobear]

comingjoy: I just made a post. Maybe I am not able to talk right now because I am somewhat angry. I already know about the opposite gender thing as I have explained.

I will say that my friend should have had the courage to tell me the truth and then I would have agreed to having no further contact since I am married. There was no reason to hurt me the way he did. Shame on him.

Besides you don't really know someone until you really know them. He lives in another country and for all I know he just may have big hairy toes. I guess I'll never find out.

 

[comingjoy]

Poobear,

I am not judging or assuming anything with what you have shared. I was and am just trying to encourage you to lean on God.

I will try to break a few things up in hope to bring clarity,

Acountability partner: For me I have been blessed with a couple women who stake me up when I fall, pray when I am unsure, and encourage me. They will also tell me if I am wrong in my words or actions. But a good accountability partner does this in love.

Abuse; I never said it was ok but to try to focus on what God is wanting to do in your life. To literally lay your marriage and husband at the cross. Pour your heart out to God He alone knows the whole situation better than any of us.

Perfection; NO ONE is perfect. I was not implying anything here except to say that we (I have done it) can take our eyes off of Christ and focus more on the pain and or frustrations we are going through that we can (not implyin you are) start to sink and forget where our strength comes from and that is in Christ.

Betrayal, betrayal by a friend or spouse can cut straight to the soul, the pain can seem unbearable, I have felt this from, family, friends and a spouse. It is not easy to overcome. We need to be careful that we do not allow the pain from this to cause us to become so anger that bitterness sets in (again I am not saying you are just that it can happen).

I was just trying to help you to refocus on God. God knows why your so called friend acted the way he did. When we give over our pain, hurts and frustrations to Christ we are saying, God I can't but I know you can. This is easier said than done. God loves you and wants to heal the pain you have endured. I pray God will bring a Godly women into your life that you can trust, who will pray with you, give an ear for listening and arms to hug you with.