Betrayed By A Friend
Moderator
Staff Member
I can only go by what you've typed. I'm really trying to get down to finding out what would make you feel better. Remember men, feel they must do something, and not just listen. I just want you to realize upfront that if you believe that one can compartmentalize their lives, and not let it one thing affect any of the other parts, then you are not being honest with yourself.
You don’t have to go for worldly standards to be affected by them. Take a look at everything around you and you’ll see what I mean. I was just providing you an example of items that could have an effect on you without you realizing it, since I only know you from your writings, how could I have stated that you were actually accepting of them? I couldn’t, yet, wanted to make sure that you were not ignorant of the subversive nature of the world around you. If you believe I was implying that you were, then I apologize, that was not my intent.
First let me get this out of the way. “YES I KNOW THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND, IT’S ABOUT YOUR FRIEND. Back to your statement.
Join the club. The reality is that because we are not perfect, though one day we will be (alleluia), there are no perfect marriages. If I would tell you that my marriage was 100% great, I’d be a liar, or I’d be living in a different house, in a different country. Until we can see into each others’ heart, we will never truly know what would make that other person be happy, needed and loved 100% of the time. It also doesn’t mean that what might make you happy, might not make him unhappy. That’s why marriage requires constant work or should I say constant love. I threat this as a work of love. Kind of like our Lord in our own lives.
My hope is that you tell your husband if a specific behavior of his is bothering you. But also remember that as men we are a bit thick headed and need repeated reminders. Note to men who read this. I don’t mean all men! Some are blessed with better memories then others. Also some are more inclined to change, then others.
I’m curious on what your standard is for a “real man”, and the same for a “coward”. Men like women are different. Whether you realize it or not, you’ve already compared this “old friend”, to a standard he probably doesn’t even know exists. If he’s done that to you, then he is just as wrong as you are. If it's just letting off steam, I understand, we all do that. Real man and Coward are not expressions of love, but you're welcome to correct me here if I'm.
This is probably the saddest statement of all that you’ve typed. I’ll be praying for you dear sister.
YBIC
C4E
Member
Christ4Ever: "I can only go by what you've typed. I'm really trying to get down to finding out what would make you feel better. Remember men, feel they must do something, and not just listen. I just want you to realize upfront that if you believe that one can compartmentalize their lives, and not let it one thing affect any of the other parts, then you are not being honest with yourself."
Happiness is an elusive thing. Usually a byproduct of something else. Men and listening? I myself find that talking about something without fixing it is pointless. I too like to fix things. I agree with you about the compartments. That is why unless I am going to be single my friend has to go. I just wanted an amiable parting and not the self-righteous rejection that I got.
As for worldly standards? Never really much got into that. I am somewhat of a nonconformist.
I'm not asking for perfect or 100 percent happiness. I do tell my husband upfront what bothers me and why. I overlook a lot of little things like ruffling the shower curtain, leaving bread crumbs on the counter, etc. The things that are detrimental to the marriage are bigger than that. My husband's tendency at times to say very mean and hurtful things when he is angry that he really never makes up for. That is just one example. Everyone has limits and I would only leave under extreme circumstances.
I believe true love is sacrificial to some extent so I'm not being petty about little things.
As for coward? Sorry but my so called friend is acting like a coward. Ignoring or giving the silent treatment is a cowardly thing to do in my opinion. So if he thinks I am the immoral Proverbs woman then he is a coward for not facing reality. You may think I don't care about my friend but that is not true. I care enough about him to do the right thing and let him go if necessary. I also cared enough to tell him the truth.
What's so sad about being married for 19 years? A lot of marriages nowadays probably don't last 5 years. I am only saying that I have managed this far and will continue to do so. I'm not saying I completely hate my marriage because if I did I would be gone long time ago.
As for the friend it is quite possible that perhaps God has closed the door on that one because he sees trouble ahead. I'm sure if God wants me to be in contact with the friend that he will cause our paths to cross again in the future. I will have to try to let him go and just wait to see what happens.
Happiness is an elusive thing. Usually a byproduct of something else. Men and listening? I myself find that talking about something without fixing it is pointless. I too like to fix things. I agree with you about the compartments. That is why unless I am going to be single my friend has to go. I just wanted an amiable parting and not the self-righteous rejection that I got.
As for worldly standards? Never really much got into that. I am somewhat of a nonconformist.
I'm not asking for perfect or 100 percent happiness. I do tell my husband upfront what bothers me and why. I overlook a lot of little things like ruffling the shower curtain, leaving bread crumbs on the counter, etc. The things that are detrimental to the marriage are bigger than that. My husband's tendency at times to say very mean and hurtful things when he is angry that he really never makes up for. That is just one example. Everyone has limits and I would only leave under extreme circumstances.
I believe true love is sacrificial to some extent so I'm not being petty about little things.
As for coward? Sorry but my so called friend is acting like a coward. Ignoring or giving the silent treatment is a cowardly thing to do in my opinion. So if he thinks I am the immoral Proverbs woman then he is a coward for not facing reality. You may think I don't care about my friend but that is not true. I care enough about him to do the right thing and let him go if necessary. I also cared enough to tell him the truth.
What's so sad about being married for 19 years? A lot of marriages nowadays probably don't last 5 years. I am only saying that I have managed this far and will continue to do so. I'm not saying I completely hate my marriage because if I did I would be gone long time ago.
As for the friend it is quite possible that perhaps God has closed the door on that one because he sees trouble ahead. I'm sure if God wants me to be in contact with the friend that he will cause our paths to cross again in the future. I will have to try to let him go and just wait to see what happens.
Member
Are you looking for help/advice, or are you simply looking for attention? You've received some sound, solid scriptural advice from solid, grounded Christians during the course of this discussion, yet you've managed to shoot down every single post.
If there is such a need, and you have a pastor, approach your pastor with this...approach your pastor's wife. I'm pretty sure they will have answers for you...I'm pretty sure they will have connections that will allow for you to get any help you need.
And there is no point in telling me I don't understand. I've experienced what you are now going through...if not worse.
The devil comes to steal and destroy. He has stolen your joy. Joy comes from our love and relationship with Jesus; it is not dependent on external environments.
Take your focus off what your friend has done, who is right and who is wrong and what your husband has done, and put it back on Jesus.
If there is such a need, and you have a pastor, approach your pastor with this...approach your pastor's wife. I'm pretty sure they will have answers for you...I'm pretty sure they will have connections that will allow for you to get any help you need.
And there is no point in telling me I don't understand. I've experienced what you are now going through...if not worse.
The devil comes to steal and destroy. He has stolen your joy. Joy comes from our love and relationship with Jesus; it is not dependent on external environments.
Take your focus off what your friend has done, who is right and who is wrong and what your husband has done, and put it back on Jesus.
Member
MelechYisrael: Why the attack? Looking for attention? I don't think so. I suppose you are somewhat of a backstabber. You offer a friend invite and then after go on the attack. It is obvious to me you cannot be trusted.
I think I would know by the kinds of responses I get whether I am being understood or not so you have no right to judge. What do you want me to agree with things that are not correct? I won't do that. I am just saying it like it is. Sorry if that offends you.
You don't even know what I am going through and yet you claim worse? What purpose is there to compare who has the most trouble or sorrows?
I think the Devil likes to cause me trouble but I don't believe he stole my joy. I think you are being a bit extreme in your judgment.
Such ignorance I do not need to receive from one who claims to be a fellow believer in Christ.
Thank you,
PS About the first two responses I received regarding lack of companionship in my marriage and the friend trying to control me were about as close to the truth as it got. After that it went all downhill. So your statement about shooting down every post is a lie. Take your self-righteous indignation and make better use of it rather than dumping it on me. I didn't come here for your abuse. I just inquired what was thought about what happened with my friend.
I think I would know by the kinds of responses I get whether I am being understood or not so you have no right to judge. What do you want me to agree with things that are not correct? I won't do that. I am just saying it like it is. Sorry if that offends you.
You don't even know what I am going through and yet you claim worse? What purpose is there to compare who has the most trouble or sorrows?
I think the Devil likes to cause me trouble but I don't believe he stole my joy. I think you are being a bit extreme in your judgment.
Such ignorance I do not need to receive from one who claims to be a fellow believer in Christ.
Thank you,
PS About the first two responses I received regarding lack of companionship in my marriage and the friend trying to control me were about as close to the truth as it got. After that it went all downhill. So your statement about shooting down every post is a lie. Take your self-righteous indignation and make better use of it rather than dumping it on me. I didn't come here for your abuse. I just inquired what was thought about what happened with my friend.
Member
MelechYisrael: Hey maybe you could help me. Do you know how to unregister from this forum? That would be nice if you could tell me how to do so.
And also I just thought I would elaborate a little on your arrogance. You think you've experienced worse? Well I had to call the cops on my dad many times as a child because of domestic violence. He was an alcoholic. I have asthma and was taken to my grandparent's town which happened to be in a valley with coal slack and suffered immensely and almost died from an asthma attack due to breathing in this coal dust. This happened throughout my childhood and was not fun by any means. And no I did not do it for attention either.
Also my first choice in a husband was very poor and I was almost choked to death when I was about 7 mos pregnant with my first child which means attempted murder. And no this is not my current husband, thank God.
It doesn't get much worse than that lady. So go condemn someone else. I came here looking for compassion and all I got was mostly misunderstanding and judgments.
You want me to take my focus off of my reality and put it on Christ? Well I converse with Christ all the time but I will not live in a pretend world making believe that there are no problems in my life. I will deal with my problems on my own and think twice before I ever go to another Christian forum for support. I've never done this before and I don't think I will be doing this again after this experience.
I still do miss my friend though so hopefully I can get over that in time.
And also I just thought I would elaborate a little on your arrogance. You think you've experienced worse? Well I had to call the cops on my dad many times as a child because of domestic violence. He was an alcoholic. I have asthma and was taken to my grandparent's town which happened to be in a valley with coal slack and suffered immensely and almost died from an asthma attack due to breathing in this coal dust. This happened throughout my childhood and was not fun by any means. And no I did not do it for attention either.
Also my first choice in a husband was very poor and I was almost choked to death when I was about 7 mos pregnant with my first child which means attempted murder. And no this is not my current husband, thank God.
It doesn't get much worse than that lady. So go condemn someone else. I came here looking for compassion and all I got was mostly misunderstanding and judgments.
You want me to take my focus off of my reality and put it on Christ? Well I converse with Christ all the time but I will not live in a pretend world making believe that there are no problems in my life. I will deal with my problems on my own and think twice before I ever go to another Christian forum for support. I've never done this before and I don't think I will be doing this again after this experience.
I still do miss my friend though so hopefully I can get over that in time.
Moderator
Staff Member
Dear sister,
He was not a coward, childish would be better use of explaining his behavior. How he behaved is how a child does, when confronted with something they have no idea of how to handle.
You misunderstand me here. I guess I'm starting to understand how you're feeling.... Whether you intended it or not, you seem to have communicated in your previous post, a sense of hopelessness. As if the future would hold no change for the better. Sister you have the Lord on your side! It will get better. You just may not realize the when, but you have to believe it. You know about surrender to God's will, but the surrender you communicate seems to be one without hope, instead of one with hope! Total surrender to God means you have eternal hope, and joy. To be joyful, when there is no reason to have it. That's the joy I'm talking about. You can do it!!!!
Don’t blame the people here. I’m sure you realize that you can exasperate?
Folks here without the ability to know you are trying to throw you life lines, and they’re missing the mark. Just remember, they keep throwing the life lines, in the hope that one of them will achieve what so far all have been unsuccessful in doing, and that is to not only give you hope, but joy as well! They’re doing this for a real concern for you and what you’re going through. Some have it better than you and others worse. We can never quantify the level of pain that another is going through, but we can try! We try to carry each others burdens, and the only way is to attempt to know what those burdens are.
If you’ve taken any of what I’ve typed as negative, I apologize in advance. The intent as I stated before, was to try to lift your from despair and no hope to one of joy and hope that only one in Christ Jesus may know! Blessed be His Holy Name.
YBIC
C4E
Member
Hi PooBear,
Those of us here that have responded are not judging you or condeming you...I can and do understand why you may and do feel that way, but truely we aren't. Can we say that we've ever walked in your shoes..no we can't or can we say that we totally know or understand your situation or what you have gone through in life...no we sure can't, because we haven't, but some of us have had similiar situations though totally not like yours but in alot of ways are alike.
Take me for instance. I too was involved with a man who did very little to care about me let alone show he cared. He was my boyfriend for over 2 years. It got to the point where I spent more time crying than I was happy in this situation...He only wanted me around when he wanted satisfaction if you know what I mean and the rest of the time He treated me like some toy that he put on the self to collect dust and then when he was ready took me down to try to play with me again. Fact was in the beginning of our relationship if you want to call it that...he was told that I wasn't going to give him what he wanted because I was waiting for marriage and my honeymoon night. You see he was
spoiled as a child and now being the adult he was wanted things his way or no way... along comes me and yeah as you can imagine he wasn't to happy..there was times of belittling infront of his family which caused a lot of pain and like I said he wanted very little to do with me unless he was trying to get what he wanted out of me...now during this time I met and became friends with a christian man...he was sweet, caring, actually listened when I talked and treated me with respect..all the things that I was lacking in my relationship with my ex this friend of mine gave me. Our friendship was good and went beyond internet..we eventually started talking by phone..little did I know that my friend was developing feelings for me that were growing until one night online he told me he had feelings for me and we needed to talk...all that time without knowing it or maybe it was because I didn't want to see it I had led him on and now he was telling me his feelings. I had to remind him I did have a boyfriend though things weren't great at the time and yes ended up hurting him more than I ever meant to. He completely disappeared out of my life and I haven't heard him since then. . A short time later I decided to walk away from my ex and the relationship I had with him. I still do miss my friend and have tried a few times to get in touch but God helped me realize that it wasn't my friend I needed to focus on...it was HIM...That my Lord wanted to ease my pain, take away the hurt and anger, He wanted to heal me in ways I didn't even realize...that I needed to focus on my relationship with Him. No, my situation is not totally like yours there are alot of differences but at the same time i'm sure there are parts that do mimick some of it.
You ask about your friend...can I know for sure what he was going through or thinking no I sure can't, but I can give you my thoughts on it and on what may have been going on with him on his end. Its my guess he did develope feelings for you and when you went
to him with this situation and this person who brought tempation not only was he jealous
of that but also of the fact you are married and yes he acted out of anger and hurt and said some things that were hurtful to you. This the best guess I have...God only knows what exactly your friend was feeling and going through. Just as He is the only one who truely knows what you are feeling and going through. The rest of us can only do our best to help and advise you...we don't mean to offend but to instead offer you an extended hand of love that only comes from our Lord Jesus...to let you know you are prayed for and cared about. I'm sorry your feelings have gotten hurt because I know it was not anyone's intention here on the site for that to happen.
the best advice I can offer you now is this...I know it hurts and that you miss your friend alot...it's never easy, but to say you will do it alone..trying to get through something alone isn't the way...instead go through it with Jesus...He is the one who knows you best...your feelings, your thoughts, your heart...He knows the hurt you have been subject too and Has been there all along wanting to heal and comfort you. I will lifting you up in prayer to our Lord Jesus in heaven. God bless you now and always with His peace, love, comfort and strength.
Isaiah41:10 Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed,f or I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Those of us here that have responded are not judging you or condeming you...I can and do understand why you may and do feel that way, but truely we aren't. Can we say that we've ever walked in your shoes..no we can't or can we say that we totally know or understand your situation or what you have gone through in life...no we sure can't, because we haven't, but some of us have had similiar situations though totally not like yours but in alot of ways are alike.
Take me for instance. I too was involved with a man who did very little to care about me let alone show he cared. He was my boyfriend for over 2 years. It got to the point where I spent more time crying than I was happy in this situation...He only wanted me around when he wanted satisfaction if you know what I mean and the rest of the time He treated me like some toy that he put on the self to collect dust and then when he was ready took me down to try to play with me again. Fact was in the beginning of our relationship if you want to call it that...he was told that I wasn't going to give him what he wanted because I was waiting for marriage and my honeymoon night. You see he was
spoiled as a child and now being the adult he was wanted things his way or no way... along comes me and yeah as you can imagine he wasn't to happy..there was times of belittling infront of his family which caused a lot of pain and like I said he wanted very little to do with me unless he was trying to get what he wanted out of me...now during this time I met and became friends with a christian man...he was sweet, caring, actually listened when I talked and treated me with respect..all the things that I was lacking in my relationship with my ex this friend of mine gave me. Our friendship was good and went beyond internet..we eventually started talking by phone..little did I know that my friend was developing feelings for me that were growing until one night online he told me he had feelings for me and we needed to talk...all that time without knowing it or maybe it was because I didn't want to see it I had led him on and now he was telling me his feelings. I had to remind him I did have a boyfriend though things weren't great at the time and yes ended up hurting him more than I ever meant to. He completely disappeared out of my life and I haven't heard him since then. . A short time later I decided to walk away from my ex and the relationship I had with him. I still do miss my friend and have tried a few times to get in touch but God helped me realize that it wasn't my friend I needed to focus on...it was HIM...That my Lord wanted to ease my pain, take away the hurt and anger, He wanted to heal me in ways I didn't even realize...that I needed to focus on my relationship with Him. No, my situation is not totally like yours there are alot of differences but at the same time i'm sure there are parts that do mimick some of it.
You ask about your friend...can I know for sure what he was going through or thinking no I sure can't, but I can give you my thoughts on it and on what may have been going on with him on his end. Its my guess he did develope feelings for you and when you went
to him with this situation and this person who brought tempation not only was he jealous
of that but also of the fact you are married and yes he acted out of anger and hurt and said some things that were hurtful to you. This the best guess I have...God only knows what exactly your friend was feeling and going through. Just as He is the only one who truely knows what you are feeling and going through. The rest of us can only do our best to help and advise you...we don't mean to offend but to instead offer you an extended hand of love that only comes from our Lord Jesus...to let you know you are prayed for and cared about. I'm sorry your feelings have gotten hurt because I know it was not anyone's intention here on the site for that to happen.
the best advice I can offer you now is this...I know it hurts and that you miss your friend alot...it's never easy, but to say you will do it alone..trying to get through something alone isn't the way...instead go through it with Jesus...He is the one who knows you best...your feelings, your thoughts, your heart...He knows the hurt you have been subject too and Has been there all along wanting to heal and comfort you. I will lifting you up in prayer to our Lord Jesus in heaven. God bless you now and always with His peace, love, comfort and strength.
Isaiah41:10 Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed,f or I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
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