Hello Furious_Love, I will try answer your questions best I can. Obviously there are some things that a person does not want to share and are personal but here goes:
I was sexually abused many times from when I was an infant to until the uncle that was abusing me died. I was about 3 to 5 years old at that time. This abuse was very well hidden in the darkness. It was only when I came to faith in Jesus Christ my Lord that what had happened to me came out into the light. It happened to my sister too and when I told her she told me of the horrific manner this uncle wanted to rape her as a child. Do not let anyone tell you that sexual abuse does not destroy a child, it does.
We tend to push out the negative and try to hold onto the positive. I once went to my parents to complain about it but they brushed me off. My uncle found out that I had been to them and severely beat me telling me he would kill me if I say anything. As a result of this sexual abuse I had tendencies that were not normal and I grew up with this and like a tree it grew and flourished. I became scared of everything around me, a fear that others would find out. Fear upon fear and as a result anxiety upon anxiety. Now I knew that what I was doing was wrong and hid it for many years in self -righteousness. I covered up everything through attempts to keep others from finding out. I desperately wanted to be normal but couldn’t. That tree just kept growing. The problem was spiritual and not physical although the physical abuse had it toll on my body too.
On top of this I lived in a house where alcohol was abused. I did not have alcoholic parents but when they drank there were fights where my father would beat up my mother. Hearing my mother shout out for mercy from my father was to me whilst growing up horrible. For anyone young or even an adult that is terrifying.
The physical abuse left me with a mental idea that it was normal but in reality it was not. It was absolutely against the norm in my day (I am now 70 years of age). As I grew older I obviously wanted to have a wife and children but this did not work out and it affected me. I only saw later, once in Christ, the effect it had on my marriage and the things that I had done wrong in that marriage. My outlook was wrong in that I was taking on a woman’s role instead of the mans. This was a result of the conflicting emotions and thoughts I had because of the manner of the abuse. After this break up I became suicidal and attempted it twice. It was not really much of an attempt in the first instance but the second I took a hosepipe and drove away to an isolated spot and put the pipe into the exhaust pipe of my car and from there into the car and I started the engine. Astoundingly I heard a voice say to me “…. What of your children?”. I had a good long think and for their sake I stopped. I had psychiatric counselling, was given medication and the priest from the local church came and spoke to me. He prayed with the “sinners prayer” and gave me a bible. It had no effect on me whatsoever! The only effect it had was now I read the bible every night before bed and I said the hail Mary’s and so called Lords prayer and I thought this would cover my sin. I was wrong. I became more and more people pleasing and the more I read the bible the more I covered my sin up with self -righteousness. Now, when I say self-righteousness I mean that I attempted to keep the laws of God through human, mind controlling effort! It was not good for me mentally and the physical abuse of my body was taking an effect. I was alone now in a room, all by myself, praying. I received many dreams and their interpretation and a friend had introduced me to a Pentecostal church (AOG) in my area and I went and shared what was in those dreams because it was all things about the return of Jesus Christ. However, the pastor did not buy into it and challenged me. Still nothing regarding my sin changed! I was still the same. No change. Religion cannot change a person.
Months later I went to church and a guest speaker was preaching that evening. He gave the true gospel and in addition said that unless one is willing to die to self (self effort and achieving their salvation through their own good works in an attempt in pleasing God) they would not be saved from the judgement of God. Jesus Christ had done it all on the cross!! The work was finished! Weill, being a very anxious person and full of fear, I believed that preacher and I feared God that night and went back home and cried out to God, “I must die to self, I must die to self” or words to that effect. That is when God heard my heartfelt cry to Him and He showed me mercy. He forgave all my sin. That very night Jesus Christ took His rightful place in my heart, the Holy Spirit and my spirit became one and I was delivered of all demons that were effecting me. Was I perfect, no! But at that point God set me aside unto Himself and the Holy Spirit started to teach me from the Word of God (Heb 5:12-14), the Word became alive, it was thrilling and absolutely wonderful and marvellous. I was set free from all my guilt and condemnation. I had a lady friend who knew a pastor and I went to him and he assisted me. He told me to allow the Holy Spirit to continue to do his work and stay away from those who have the so called deliverance ministry. However, I tried them and it did not work. I knew from what I had been taught by the Holy Spirit and once a person is born again he cannot be possessed by any demon, Jesus Christ is on the throne of their heart and the Holy Spirit is with their spirit. You will not find any truly born again Christian being delivered from demon possession from the book of Acts onward. I even tried seeing a psychologist but ended up telling him what was wrong with me and I left it there for the Holy Spirit to work in me the righteousness of Christ. This is sanctification. Just recently I went through a time of depression and deep hurt, self loathing and wanting to go home to the Lord. I had had enough, He saw me through all that. I had tablets which helped me sleep at night but since they are habit forming I stopped at the doctors recommendation and I am on a mild sedative now. I am no longer self loathing and my joy has returned to me. I still want to be with the Lord but it is because at my age my body is shutting down, I have had enough of life’s trials and want to be a peace in His presence in heaven. I do not have a death wish just long to be with Him eternally without the sin and nonsense. He has seen me through this all and as a result I praise Him and love Him even more. It is when you go through these things that we see His love for us and His ability to turn things around. On our part be honest with God! Don’t try to sidestep issues tell Him truthfully how you feel and what is really the issue but with respect because He is above all authority.
At rebirth we are consecrated, set apart unto God, We have been sanctified and are being sanctified (made holy) and will continue to be so until the return of Christ at the resurrection or rapture. Phil 1:6 And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ (ESV). Do I take medication, yes because I live in a fallen world and sickness affects the body. Do I take tablets for stress or anxiety, yes but only on His okay. We are not excused from the sicknesses of this fallen world but as it says in Heb 4:12: 12 For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart (ESV). 2 Cor 3 shows the effect of the sanctifying process and the righteousness of Christ, in the power of Gods Spirit is seen in me as I grow in Him and in the knowledge of Him. Sanctification is life long.
I hope this has given you more encouragement in understanding the Love of God for us. I leave you and those who read it … this: A father and mother give birth to a lovely child, they love him tremendously. However, he grows up and although they showed love towards him and they gave him wisdom for life he went astray, going and doing drugs, alcohol, sex outside of marriage etc. They unfortunately put him out of the house so that he does not affect the other children. They still love him and they continue to call him home. He rejects their calls. One day someone who knows his parents sees him and tells him how sorrowful they are about him and they want to help him. He feels convicted by this and he remembers all that they did for him when he was growing up. He goes home, sits down with his parents and says I am sorry for all the pain I have given you because of my wrong doing. His parents see that he is genuinely sorry and wants help. They welcome him back home, they nourish him and get him the help he needs to overcome his problems. He becomes a different man. God is no different, we have all sinned and have fallen short of the Glory of God. He put us out of fellowship with Himself from Adam to now. But when we are prepared to call on Him and genuinely repent (want to turn from our sin to follow after His righteousness) and believe on the finished work of Jesus on the cross and we seeks His forgiveness we are forgiven, our guilt and associated condemnation is removed and we have peace with God at last.
There are many things I can bear testimony to as to what God has done for me. Do I see doctors yes, psychiatrist/psychologists cannot deal with spiritual issues and the Word of God is spiritual. What did Jesus say, first clean the inside of the bowl then the outside will be clean also. We must be born again and He deals with us from the inside outwards. Although this body of sin is dying I am being renewed daily spiritual.
I reiterate, if anyone truly comes to Christ and is on medication for whatever condition they have, physical or mental the Holy Spirit will work in you whilst using that medication. It may come to a time when the issues that one has have been dealt with through the sanctification process which God uses to deal with body, soul and spirit.
! John 1:5-10 (ESV)
5 This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all.
6 If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth.
7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin.
8 If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.
9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
10 If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.
Yow, how I wish I could give you all the information. There is so much I can share but I leave this with you: If I am walking in the darkness I am going to stumble and fall however, if I am walking in the light I see my path and I cannot stumble. Once Jesus enters in we walk in the light, we hear His voice and we follow. Darkness no longer guides us but the light leads us to eternal life.
Ps 119: 105 Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.
The Spirit and the Word of God work hand in hand. Come to know the truth and the truth will set you free. If the Son sets you free you are free indeed.
