My Most surrealistic play. Done with no scenery or props on a totally bare stage, except the blue blanket.
The Rock
There is nothing to be seen. Except a man curled up in a fetus position underneath a blue blanket. You can hear the sound of a his heart beating, then a slap, a baby cries out. The man, Linus, crawls out from the blanket and leaves it there.
Linus looks around. "Who am I? What am I? How did I get here? When is it? Where am I? Why Am I?"
Suddenly he hears the Graduation march. He watches slack jawed as a Professor enters with a wheelbarrow full of rocks, followed by a line of three pupils. The Professor sets down the wheelbarrow. The pupils line up with Linus standing at the end of the line. He watches as the Professor adjusts his robe and begins his speech to an invisible audience.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, parents and other criminals, anybody else who is eyeballing this procedure, we are gathered here today, to do honor to these our students. They have finally outlasted our patience, and are graduating from our fine institution, the School of Hard Knocks. Having slept through the required number of classes, they are eligible to receive these lovely diplomas that some of them can actually read. We have shoveled in as much propaganda as their heads full of mush can hold, so now they are your problem. Good luck to you all, you're going to need it in the world of reality. But enough sentimental slop, lets get rid of them. Horbinger!"
The first student steps up. “Here is your rock.” The professor reaches into his wheelbarrow and hands him a heavy rock.
Horbinger is fortunately fairly strong. “Oof! Thanks Professor!” He waddles off carrying his heavy rock with both hands.
The Professor calls out. “Rabinowitz!” Another pupil proudly marches up. “Here is your rock.” When he hands him his rock, Rabinowitz bends forward from the weight.
“Whoa! Chee, thanks professor!” He hobbles off, bent over.
The professor tries to read the next pupil’s name. “Oske-, no, Askeve-, no, Eskebije,” He gives up. “Oh phooey. You there, Mr. Alphabet. Come up and get your rock.”
The unpronounceable student steps up, is given a rock, and falls over backwards from the weight. From the ground he calls up. “Bless you Professor! Moan!” He crawls out on his back.
The professor points at Linus. “You there. Fellow by the blanket. Don't dawdle. We haven't got all day.”
“Who? Me?”
“Yes, yes. Get up here and get your rock. Linus steps up and gets his rock from the Professor.
“Oooff! What's this?”
“It's a rock.”
“Well, what do I do with this thing?”
“You carry it around.”
“But it's heavy!”
The Professor shrugs. “That's life, kid.” He picks up the wheelbarrow and walks away.
A violinist enters. He plays sad, weepy music as Linus speaks.
“Oh, this is terrible. I've never been so unhappy. This stupid rock is ruining my life. I can't sleep. If I try to sleep on my back, it lays on my stomach and I can't breath. If I lay on my stomach, it gives me back cramps. If I use it for a pillow, it keeps me awake. Did you ever try to sleep with a rock for a pillow? I can't eat. I can't reach around it to my plate. The only thing I can drink is Kooky Cola with a really long straw...”
The violinist plays the Kooky Cola Theme song. i.e. a recognizable soda commercial tune.
Linus gets angry. “Now cut that out! I'm trying to be sad here! Do you mind?
The violinist goes back to playing a sad tune.
Linus admits. “That's better. Where was I? Oh, yeah. I can't kiss or hug my girlfriend. Did you ever try to hug and kiss a girl when you have a pair of rocks between you? Wah! Sob! Boo-hoo!”
The violinist rolls his eyes, shrugs and leaves. Rock carriers enter and mill about aimlessly. Jesus enters, takes the blanket, sets it long ways between Him and the others.
Jesus speaks. “Come to me all of you who are loaded down with your heavy rocks. Come to me and be freed of your awful burdens. Let me release you from your horrendous loads. Why should you labor under your burdens to no avail? Let me remove it, so that you may cross this river.” He points at the blanket. “The river of life. Then you can come to my Father's house, and dwell with us for all eternity, happy and unburdened by rocks.” He points at one. “You there. How about you?”
“Don't be silly young man. My great, great, great grandfather brought this rock over on the Mayflower! Doesn't this younger generation have any respect for tradition anymore? Long haired hippy freak.” He wanders off.
Jesus hails another man. “How about you young man? Won't you throw away your rock and cross the river of life?”
“No way, Jose. This isn't an ordinary rock. It's a rubber rock! Throw it up, (he does so) it bounces down! Throw it down, (He does so) it bounces up! This thing is just gangs of fun!” He dribbles happily off.
Jesus looks at the next man. “Ah. How about you? Wouldn't you like to be free of your rocks?”
“Sure man.” He starts pulling various rocks from his pockets. “I can get rid of this rock... and this one... and I sure don't need that one…” he reaches for one in his shirt pocket. “Humph. I don’t even know where this one came from. Oh and there's this one up here…” He pulls one out from under his hat, it catches his eye and he freezes. “Ooh... wow man. I can't get rid of this rock. This is my rainbow rock! Look at all the pretty colors!” He wanders off staring at the rock.
Jesus looks to the next one. “What about you, sir?”
“Uh-uh. This rock is pure silicon. It can do 5.7 megahertz! It is the absolute cutting edge of rock technology!”
Jesus looks at a lady. “Don’t you want to be freed of your rock, madam?”
“I should say not! This rock is in the latest fashion. All my favorite stars in Hollywood have ones just like it. You should get one too, or no one will invite you o any parties!”
Jesus looks at the next one and is shocked. “Oh my goodness! That has to be the biggest rock I've ever seen. Surely you must want to get rid of that awful burden.”
The man is bent over to where he nearly has to crawl on all fours. However, he is confused. “Rocks? We have no rocks. Oh, we all used to have rocks, but our rocks were removed long ago. No one has rocks anymore. Perhaps you are unaware of the latest developments in theology. You need to learn current truth. You can be enlightened by buying a subscription to our free magazine "The Looktower." Can I sell you a free copy?”
“Uh, no thank you. I'll stick with the old theology."
“Then I will get to watch you fry at Armageddon, you unenlightened sinner!”
Jesus looks at the next man, who is hunched over, moving furtively, hiding his rock from everyone. “Sir? Are you in pain?”
“No! No! It's mine and you can't have it!”
“But it's just a rock.”
“Are you crazy? Just a rock? Ha! Don't you realize what this is?” He looks around to make sure that the others aren’t listening. “It's a Gold Rock! Hee-hee-hee. Do you realize what that means?”
“Not really.”
“With the price of gold at $300 per ounce, compounded biannually with compound complex reinvested interest at 4.321% in a mere 26 years, 2 months, 12 days, 3 hours and 45 minutes, this rock will be worth $987,654,321.02! Why, I'd have to be insane to throw away my rock! Bah! Humbug!” He exits even more furtively.
Another young lady walks by carrying her rock on her shoulder. Jesus calls her. “Get rid of your rock and swim across the river of life, that your joy may be full.”
“No way Jake! This here's a musical rock! It plays all the latest rock music! Do-De-Do-De-Do!” She dances off.
Jesus turns to Linus. “And what about you? Surely that rock must be making you utterly miserable. Throw away your rock and come to my Father's house, where there is joy forever.”
“I'd love to. But this stupid rock is stuck to my hands. I can't get rid of it no matter how hard I try.”
“That's because I am the way, the truth, and the rock remover. No man can get rid of his rock, except by Me. If you are willing, I can remove it for you.”
“Oh please rid me of this awful rock. It's been nothing but a pain in the back ever since I got it."
(Jesus crosses the blanket to Linus. “Very well.” Jesus pries Linus' arms apart, removing the rock. “There you are.”
“Hooray! I'm free! No more nasty rocks!”
“Now let us cross the river, and I will take you to my Father, and you can enter the place prepared for you from the foundation of the world.”
The Rock
There is nothing to be seen. Except a man curled up in a fetus position underneath a blue blanket. You can hear the sound of a his heart beating, then a slap, a baby cries out. The man, Linus, crawls out from the blanket and leaves it there.
Linus looks around. "Who am I? What am I? How did I get here? When is it? Where am I? Why Am I?"
Suddenly he hears the Graduation march. He watches slack jawed as a Professor enters with a wheelbarrow full of rocks, followed by a line of three pupils. The Professor sets down the wheelbarrow. The pupils line up with Linus standing at the end of the line. He watches as the Professor adjusts his robe and begins his speech to an invisible audience.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, parents and other criminals, anybody else who is eyeballing this procedure, we are gathered here today, to do honor to these our students. They have finally outlasted our patience, and are graduating from our fine institution, the School of Hard Knocks. Having slept through the required number of classes, they are eligible to receive these lovely diplomas that some of them can actually read. We have shoveled in as much propaganda as their heads full of mush can hold, so now they are your problem. Good luck to you all, you're going to need it in the world of reality. But enough sentimental slop, lets get rid of them. Horbinger!"
The first student steps up. “Here is your rock.” The professor reaches into his wheelbarrow and hands him a heavy rock.
Horbinger is fortunately fairly strong. “Oof! Thanks Professor!” He waddles off carrying his heavy rock with both hands.
The Professor calls out. “Rabinowitz!” Another pupil proudly marches up. “Here is your rock.” When he hands him his rock, Rabinowitz bends forward from the weight.
“Whoa! Chee, thanks professor!” He hobbles off, bent over.
The professor tries to read the next pupil’s name. “Oske-, no, Askeve-, no, Eskebije,” He gives up. “Oh phooey. You there, Mr. Alphabet. Come up and get your rock.”
The unpronounceable student steps up, is given a rock, and falls over backwards from the weight. From the ground he calls up. “Bless you Professor! Moan!” He crawls out on his back.
The professor points at Linus. “You there. Fellow by the blanket. Don't dawdle. We haven't got all day.”
“Who? Me?”
“Yes, yes. Get up here and get your rock. Linus steps up and gets his rock from the Professor.
“Oooff! What's this?”
“It's a rock.”
“Well, what do I do with this thing?”
“You carry it around.”
“But it's heavy!”
The Professor shrugs. “That's life, kid.” He picks up the wheelbarrow and walks away.
A violinist enters. He plays sad, weepy music as Linus speaks.
“Oh, this is terrible. I've never been so unhappy. This stupid rock is ruining my life. I can't sleep. If I try to sleep on my back, it lays on my stomach and I can't breath. If I lay on my stomach, it gives me back cramps. If I use it for a pillow, it keeps me awake. Did you ever try to sleep with a rock for a pillow? I can't eat. I can't reach around it to my plate. The only thing I can drink is Kooky Cola with a really long straw...”
The violinist plays the Kooky Cola Theme song. i.e. a recognizable soda commercial tune.
Linus gets angry. “Now cut that out! I'm trying to be sad here! Do you mind?
The violinist goes back to playing a sad tune.
Linus admits. “That's better. Where was I? Oh, yeah. I can't kiss or hug my girlfriend. Did you ever try to hug and kiss a girl when you have a pair of rocks between you? Wah! Sob! Boo-hoo!”
The violinist rolls his eyes, shrugs and leaves. Rock carriers enter and mill about aimlessly. Jesus enters, takes the blanket, sets it long ways between Him and the others.
Jesus speaks. “Come to me all of you who are loaded down with your heavy rocks. Come to me and be freed of your awful burdens. Let me release you from your horrendous loads. Why should you labor under your burdens to no avail? Let me remove it, so that you may cross this river.” He points at the blanket. “The river of life. Then you can come to my Father's house, and dwell with us for all eternity, happy and unburdened by rocks.” He points at one. “You there. How about you?”
“Don't be silly young man. My great, great, great grandfather brought this rock over on the Mayflower! Doesn't this younger generation have any respect for tradition anymore? Long haired hippy freak.” He wanders off.
Jesus hails another man. “How about you young man? Won't you throw away your rock and cross the river of life?”
“No way, Jose. This isn't an ordinary rock. It's a rubber rock! Throw it up, (he does so) it bounces down! Throw it down, (He does so) it bounces up! This thing is just gangs of fun!” He dribbles happily off.
Jesus looks at the next man. “Ah. How about you? Wouldn't you like to be free of your rocks?”
“Sure man.” He starts pulling various rocks from his pockets. “I can get rid of this rock... and this one... and I sure don't need that one…” he reaches for one in his shirt pocket. “Humph. I don’t even know where this one came from. Oh and there's this one up here…” He pulls one out from under his hat, it catches his eye and he freezes. “Ooh... wow man. I can't get rid of this rock. This is my rainbow rock! Look at all the pretty colors!” He wanders off staring at the rock.
Jesus looks to the next one. “What about you, sir?”
“Uh-uh. This rock is pure silicon. It can do 5.7 megahertz! It is the absolute cutting edge of rock technology!”
Jesus looks at a lady. “Don’t you want to be freed of your rock, madam?”
“I should say not! This rock is in the latest fashion. All my favorite stars in Hollywood have ones just like it. You should get one too, or no one will invite you o any parties!”
Jesus looks at the next one and is shocked. “Oh my goodness! That has to be the biggest rock I've ever seen. Surely you must want to get rid of that awful burden.”
The man is bent over to where he nearly has to crawl on all fours. However, he is confused. “Rocks? We have no rocks. Oh, we all used to have rocks, but our rocks were removed long ago. No one has rocks anymore. Perhaps you are unaware of the latest developments in theology. You need to learn current truth. You can be enlightened by buying a subscription to our free magazine "The Looktower." Can I sell you a free copy?”
“Uh, no thank you. I'll stick with the old theology."
“Then I will get to watch you fry at Armageddon, you unenlightened sinner!”
Jesus looks at the next man, who is hunched over, moving furtively, hiding his rock from everyone. “Sir? Are you in pain?”
“No! No! It's mine and you can't have it!”
“But it's just a rock.”
“Are you crazy? Just a rock? Ha! Don't you realize what this is?” He looks around to make sure that the others aren’t listening. “It's a Gold Rock! Hee-hee-hee. Do you realize what that means?”
“Not really.”
“With the price of gold at $300 per ounce, compounded biannually with compound complex reinvested interest at 4.321% in a mere 26 years, 2 months, 12 days, 3 hours and 45 minutes, this rock will be worth $987,654,321.02! Why, I'd have to be insane to throw away my rock! Bah! Humbug!” He exits even more furtively.
Another young lady walks by carrying her rock on her shoulder. Jesus calls her. “Get rid of your rock and swim across the river of life, that your joy may be full.”
“No way Jake! This here's a musical rock! It plays all the latest rock music! Do-De-Do-De-Do!” She dances off.
Jesus turns to Linus. “And what about you? Surely that rock must be making you utterly miserable. Throw away your rock and come to my Father's house, where there is joy forever.”
“I'd love to. But this stupid rock is stuck to my hands. I can't get rid of it no matter how hard I try.”
“That's because I am the way, the truth, and the rock remover. No man can get rid of his rock, except by Me. If you are willing, I can remove it for you.”
“Oh please rid me of this awful rock. It's been nothing but a pain in the back ever since I got it."
(Jesus crosses the blanket to Linus. “Very well.” Jesus pries Linus' arms apart, removing the rock. “There you are.”
“Hooray! I'm free! No more nasty rocks!”
“Now let us cross the river, and I will take you to my Father, and you can enter the place prepared for you from the foundation of the world.”
