Thanks Rachel15, Faithfull Son and billyeah for your kind and thoughtful replies, advice and prayers
I have struggled with this now for some time, as I stated in my first post. Even though me and my husband do not fight or argue, in fact we are more like brother and sister, than living as husband and wife, which is sad. My love for him is not there, as a wife, but I hear what you all say. Which I know must hurt him, as much as it is hurting me. For some reason, my heart is set on going back to England into this ministry. Every time I focus on the life which I lead in South Africa, for some reason, it's not long that my thoughts go straight back to England and on this ministry again, and I even dream about England at night too, it totally within me. I have used up all my energy now in shaking this off, I have tried and I don't know why I am finding it so difficult. It's something I just cannot explain.
As I previously said, I spoke to my mum yesterday on the phone, and she was explaining me about this man in her church, (She wants me to meet him) and how everything he tried to do and want to do, always came to a big halt, was hindered and he encountered many roadblocks, blocking his path, and he just could not understand it, to why everything wasn't going his way. He had a good home, he was a bisness man and had a good job, with mortgage etc. But for some reason, he wasn't happy. He felt he had everything, but his relationship with God was hindered. He felt this tug at his heart, which he didn't understand. He tried to do it his way, but he got no-where. He tried all efforts in being a good Christian, attending his church, praying and having a relationship with God, but he still felt hindered and he could not understand why. One day, someone spoke to him, that he should attend bible college and become more involved in ministry work, and be more committed, which meant giving up everything. To cut a long story short, he sold up everything, and went to bible college, and that's where he is now. All of sudden he felt, immediate relief, and all that burden and heavy luggage, which he carried around was gone. He feels that's where God wanted him to be.
One needs to remember, it's not where we want to be, it’s where God want's us to be.
I have read several posts here, whereby people have been hindered in prayer (including myself) a situation in their life doesn't seem to be resolving itself, and after many efforts in doing the right things, studying the bible, praying, worshipping God in spirit and truth, but still the problems are still there and are not resolved. I have often thought about this, "to why, do we have such problems as these". God has given us the holy spirit and has provided us with power. I have sat and thought about it and ask God about it too. Personally I think, it's because we don't listen to Him and do His will in the first place. And many times we probably just end up doing our own will, instead of His.
If it sounds totally bazaar what you feel God is telling you to do, I feel that is God speaking to us. And He will be there to give you full support.
I have also done many searches in google for "Doing God Will" or "What is God's Will" You know most Christians don't even know the answer to that question, I was actually quite shocked. I will be looking into this more over the weekend.
Now what I thought of earlier as I was reflecting upon my problem, was to tell my husband again, as I said this too him last year, and I haven't said this to him this year, is to say, "I want to go to this ministry still, as I feel this has been placed on my heart. We could stay married, and he then could have time on his own to reflect and discuss this same matter with himself and God, or whether he is committed enough to join me in this too, and if he is prepared to give everything up in doing so" I am sorry, I can't be hindered through someone else.
Please read these scriptures.
(Mar 10:29) And Jesus answered and said, Verily I say unto you, There is no man that hath left house, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my sake, and the gospel's,
(Luk 18:29) And he said unto them, Verily I say unto you, There is no man that hath left house, or parents, or brethren, or wife, or children, for the kingdom of God's sake,
Luk 14:27 And whosoever doth not bear his cross, and come after me, cannot be my disciple.
God showed me those scriptures many months ago and I ignored them. Well I thought no one else was doing this, so why must I, so I must be on the right track. Right?
But I need to do God's will, I can't change that, if He want's me there, I have to be there, it's that simple. When I talk, make plans in my mind and think about this, my heart and spirit is more settled. When doubts come back into play and I continue with something else, my spirit seems unsettled and I am stressed up.
Giving everything up and not worrying about finances, or the future, and one's needs, is to totally rely on Him for everything, He will provide. God has blessed me and my husband and God has shown me, that money, big houses, fast and the latest cars and designer clothes, high powered jobs, are not important.
Obviously a marriage relationship is different but the author writes a book about marriage too. Since i am not sure that i can post a link to it here do pm me if you are interested.
Thank you and I will contact you and let you know, if I am interested. But at present I do so much reading.
Here is what my mum said to me:
........"by the time you read this you will most properly will be feeling alot better, but I have made my mind up to say it anyway. I feel you should make plans to come home you have tried to be happy in S/A and in your marriage but nothing seems to change, and the longer you leave it the worse or harder it will be. I also believe God has a plan for your life, and I also believe He needs to know the desires of your heart so He can put it into practice, we do not have a condemning God He does not hold things against us, He made a new Covent with us and I believe He will show His love to you what ever you decide.
I spent years of my married life hoping things would change but they never did, we cant make people love us no more than we can force ourselves to love some one else, look at me God has blessed me so much and I seek Him more in my life now than ever before, He has not condemned me for not trying harder to hold my marriage together. In fact in many ways this marriage is even harder so I need to draw on Gods word even more, and He always meets my needs. By harder I really mean different, another family to work along side as well as my own, to be there for my husband and help him, and meet his needs, try to pick up the pieces after some one has been hurt, but with Gods help I know I can do it, and with Gods help I know you can too".
