Sooo confused: Relationships, Sex, Alcohol etc.

[hgchrisfor]

Note: Sorry for the length. But please read all of his to get the whole picture.

I was transferred to Chicago for work earlier this year. There I met a Christian girl that I have been hanging out with for about 6-months. She is great and we seem to be a good fit, however, she is not a virgin and admitted she had two sexual partners in the past. But she has not had sex for three years and was recently baptized.

I have had to be very strong to maintain being a virgin and was hoping to marry another to make sure I get to Heaven. - Will marrying a non-virgin affect me getting into Heaven? Should I stop talking with this girl and find a new potential life partner?

It seems in the Bible that sex before marriage is the worst sin, such as "1 Corninthians 6:18 Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. 19 Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? qYou are not your own, 20 for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body."

But then Paul also says (but he clearly says him not the Lord) in 1 Corinthians 7:12 To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. 13 If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. iOtherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy." - This makes me think that there were a lot of relationships with virgin and non-virgins, as most non-believers would probably not be virgins.

I am just soooo confused right now. - I thought this girl was literally the girl of my dreams. She is so great: so sweet, smart, funny, beautiful and we have a lot in common. But it comes out that she has had sex before. - Also she drinks alcohol occasionally and may even get drunk. And once mentioned she would like to try a drug just to experience it.

These three things have really thrown me off. - I think we would be great together and could work together to never drink or even think about any drugs (yes I have tried drinking and pot in high school but have been totally "clean" for about ten years). I think we can work that out as we progress, but I am mostly concerned that she is a non-virgin.

I feel like I have put so much time and money into pursing this the past 6-months - and truly thought she was the perfect girl of my dreams, because she is great.

But I don't want to get caught up in things of this world. I know Heaven should be my number one goal. - I have no idea how to proceed. Should I continue on or should I move on????


To finish, I felt God giving me strong, strong signs to pursue her. So I did. - Now I don't know if it was to actually get to a point where we marry, or to learn not to jump into things too fast, spend too much money and/or not ask the right questions up front right away. Don't assume.


I am just sooo confused. This girl is great, I thought she was my dream girl (so sweet, smart, beautiful) but I don't want to fall into a trap and/or temptation, or get caught up in things of this world. - I don't know if this is a test from God, and I should pull-out. If maybe we are meant to be and I can help her and she can help me. I have no idea what to do and don't want my salvation affected.

I think I could continue forward. I just don't know if that's what God wants me to do...

 

[hgchrisfor]

It's not about forgiveness, I can forgive her. I just don't know if God would want me to pursue her. - She does not get drunk a lot, but the fact that she doesn't have a problem with drinking and has or had the thought of trying a hard drug (after she has been baptized) is interesting.

Plus now maybe I am a little freaked out we won't be able to experience the pleasure between couples for the first time - and that I won't be able to give her pleasure like her past experiences. - I don't really have much else to offer her either. I don't really know why she likes me, but now I worry about not being able to live up to what she might want and then we get a divorce if we were married.

 

[dannibear]

I was transferred to Chicago for work earlier this year. There I met a Christian girl that I have been hanging out with for about 6-months. She is great and we seem to be a good fit, however, she is not a virgin and admitted she had two sexual partners in the past. But she has not had sex for three years and was recently baptized.

I have had to be very strong to maintain being a virgin and was hoping to marry another to make sure I get to Heaven. - Will marrying a non-virgin affect me getting into Heaven? Should I stop talking with this girl and find a new potential life partner?

If she has accepted the Father into her heart, and asked Him to forgive her of her sins, and to make herself pure again, then God can surely do so. Anything is possible with God. But baptizing alone is not enough. Marrying a virgin does not guarantee your place in Heaven. Accepting God's grace and forgiveness is the only thing that gets us into Heaven. We just have to humble ourselves, and make the choice to make Him the Lord of our life.

But it comes out that she has had sex before. - Also she drinks alcohol occasionally and may even get drunk. And once mentioned she would like to try a drug just to experience it.

She says she has been baptized, but if she says these things, either she did not really accept Jesus into her heart, or she is just a new Christian (baby Christian as I have been called before when I first accepted Him), who has not had a good guide and does not know what is right from wrong in God's eyes. I think you should talk to her, and ask her if she was baptized just to do so, or if it was an act of obedience and faith.

This girl is great, I thought she was my dream girl (so sweet, smart, beautiful) but I don't want to fall into a trap and/or temptation, or get caught up in things of this world. - I don't know if this is a test from God, and I should pull-out. If maybe we are meant to be and I can help her and she can help me. I have no idea what to do and don't want my salvation affected.

I thought the same when I once dated an atheist. But then the day he took me to homecoming, he asked me, 'is it fine with you that I play my favorite band on the radio? They are anti-christian, but didn't want to offend you.' Psh! I went home early and faked a stomach ache, knowing this guy was NOT who God wanted me to be with.
Talk to God, and ask Him before you talk to your girlfriend, to reveal signs to you as to whether she is right for you. Then talk to her, and tell her your concerns over her alcohol use and possible drug influence. Guide her to know Jesus and what He wants for her life. I hope I have been of some help brother.

:girl_hug: your sister in Christ, Danielle 'Dannibear'

 

[Property Of God]

No sin is too great or too big for Jesus to forgive, being a virgin or not, it doesn't change how Jesus looks at us, and how Jesus loves us. We all have fallen short and sinned against God, He's the only perfect sinless one, we're all evil and full of sin and we all deserve death and hell, only way we can be justified is through Jesus ALONE, not our good works, not our virginity. Virgins still sin, and are still sinful people.

You have to see this girl you like so much, the way Jesus sees her, can you imagine how a loving father would look at his daughter after she's stumbled? with complete love...

Please if you like this girl very much, don't punish her for her past or her sins, we all have sins, and she could have lied to you, please pray about it and let God work on your heart, but don't date her until you've those thoughts worked on by God... please. God loves us all.


But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.-- Romans 5:8

P.S: Being a Christian does NOT stop us from sinning, we are still human.

 

[AudreyNicole]

Hello there.

I can kind of relate to your situation because I've been going through a relationship difficulty of my own... but its opposite of yours (I was with a non-christian but he acted like a christian). The bible tells us not to be unequally yoked-- whether that person is an unbeliever or a believer that doesn't act like one. It almost sounds like this girl you describe is a little off when it comes to God. She may call herself Christian, but she has a few things to work on.

You say you've only known her for about 6 months? That to me is a very short time... much too short to be considering marriage. I think you should pull back a little... maybe not completely give up on her... but just pull back. Maintain the friendship but ask her about her relationship with God. In the mean time, give the situation up to God completely, knowing that He will do what is best for the both of you. Do what He has showed you to do in His word, and He will take care of the rest. YOU CANNOT KNOW THE FUTURE... no matter how hard you try. The secret things belong to the Lord, and in His good timing He will reveal to you what those things are, but in the mean time, all you are to do is His revealed will. This may be your girl, or not... that's for God to know and not you so don't worry about it. Again, just maintain the friendship and continue to "bombard" her with God's presence and see how she reacts.

Marrying a virgin is NOT what gets you into heaven. You cannot do anything to get yourself into heaven so don't even try. Only Christ can do that. And as long as she repents of her sin and accepts the forgiveness offered to her, she will be a virgin again. Yes, God is that powerful... He can fix the broken. Luckily for you and me, and everyone else, God can take even the worst of the worst of sins, and blot them out. Throught Christ we can be cleaned. So, as long as she repents of her sins and accepts Christ, she is made new, she is clean, she is again a virgin. Now this would be the crucial question. Has she repented of this? Has she accepted Christ's forgiveness? Does she realize her sin, and is she willing to remain pure until marriage? I think asking her this would answer a lot of your questions about her spiritual maturity, and help you decide if she really is living for Christ.

Like I said, don't just give up on her... God could very well be preparing her for you... so that means you wait. Don't jump in to anything. Do you absolutely need to get married right now? I'm assuming not, so just wait for God. There's no need to completely leave her, and there's no need to jump in a relationship with her... just wait. But like I said, while you wait, do these things:

1) give it up to God, and leave it with Him.
-- don't try to figure out the future and don't try to control the situation.

2) do what God's word tells you
-- live in love and joy and peace, etc. Wait for Him, be patient. Do what you know to do, and let God do what you don't know

3) continue to "prod" her with God.
--observe her relationship with Him. Remember, "By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles?" Matthew 7:16. She has sin in her life, we all do, but is she working on these things with God? The things you mentioned should be red flags... but we all have "red flags", the important part is, is she working on them with God?

I hope this helps. Of course continue in prayer, reading the word, and fellowship. I will be praying for you... don't hesitate to continue asking for help... the more you seek the more you find. I pray the Lord will move in your life soon!

God Bless!

 

[hgchrisfor]

It's not about me not being able to forgive. I am just worried about salvation.

We are both baptized now, but what if we decide we are good for one another but want to make sure we are sexually compatible and have sex before we get married. And then actually get married.

Are we forgiven for this? I wouldn't want us to get married and then the intimacy be horrible and we get divorced over it.

And why shouldn't I just go out and sleep with lots of girls now and experiment if I can be forgiven?

I just want to find a great wife like this girl and be able to please her and make her happy in all aspects of life; and also please God and get to Heaven.

 

[AudreyNicole]

It's not about me not being able to forgive. I am just worried about salvation.

We are both baptized now, but what if we decide we are good for one another but want to make sure we are sexually compatible and have sex before we get married. And then actually get married.

Are we forgiven for this? I wouldn't want us to get married and then the intimacy be horrible and we get divorced over it.

And why shouldn't I just go out and sleep with lots of girls now and experiment if I can be forgiven?

I just want to find a great wife like this girl and be able to please her and make her happy in all aspects of life; and also please God and get to Heaven.

I don't know what "sexually compatible" means, but I do know that having sex before marriage IS a sin. So if you are truly so concerned about your salvation, why would you willingly commit a sin? If you're so concerned about pleasing God, why would you willingly do something He has commanded you not to do?

Again, getting in to heaven is not about what you can do. It is about Jesus Christ.

And, news flash, marriage is a lot more than just sex. It kind of sounds like all you want to do is get in this girls pants... so maybe you should just leave her alone because if she's that big a temptation for you then she's no good for you. If you think getting married is all about the sex, you are extremely misguided.

Open your bible and start reading 1 Corinthians 7:

Marriage is discussed a lot in the scriptures but the marriage chapter is usually said to be I Corinthians 7. The chapter naturally lends itself to seven topic divisions. They are: The rights and duties of married life (vs. 1-7), teaching for the unmarried (vs. 8, 9), commandments for the married (vs. 10-16, 12-16 addresses mixed marriages between believers and unbelievers), the principle of remaining in the same state (vs. 17-24), teaching regarding the unmarried, especially in view of the prevailing circumstances (vs. 25-35, see vs. 26), instructions to fathers in the "present distress" (vs. 36-38), and teaching regarding the marriage of widows (vs. 39, 40). Some of the teaching is influenced by the "present distress" (vs. 26).
Some Great Chapters in the Bible
​

Having sex before marriage just to make sure it "works", is just like living together before marriage to make sure it "works". If God has truly blessed this relationship, and if He is a part of it, then there is no need to make sure it works because everything works with God. By making sure you are "compatible" (aka sleeping together), you are saying to God, "I do not trust that you know what you are doing Father, and I am going to do it on my own to make sure it is right." Is that really how you feel about God? Do you trust that He will do what is best? If so, there is no need for you to try and do it on your own.

Again, marriage is about way more than just sex. And if a couple gets divorced over sex problems it means God is not a part of their lives AT ALL.

And about the sleeping around thing... we are forgiven of our sins, but that does NOT give us the excuse to go around and sin. If you believe that you can go around and have sex, than you must believe it is OK to go around killing people, being unfaithful, disobeying parents, lying, cheating, etc. If you choose to willingly disobey God's law (by sleeping around) you will not be forgiven because you are blatantly rejecting God.

Honestly, I think there are a lot of issues that you need to deal with before moving forward in this relationship. So perhaps it would be best that you do separate yourself from this girl and focus on your relationship with God. You talk a lot about marriage and sex, but you haven't once mentioned the word love. That is what marriage is about, and that is what life is about. I think it would be best if you start learning about what true love really is, Godly love. How can you expect to get married when you don't even know God's love?

Pull yourself away from this girl, and focus your attention on God. Let Him get your life right before you go out trying to add another person to your life. Read through the Corinthians, and start with 1 corinthians 13. This speaks all about love... then see where God takes you from there. Learn about the marriage covenant, and what it truly means to be married. Take notes from Christ and His bride, and pray that God will help you to be like Him.

It sounds like you need the Spirit in your life. You say you were baptized, but you don't speak like you truly were. So, immerse yourself in prayer, fellowship, worship, and the word... focus on God, not this girl. And when you are ready, when God says you're ready, your girl will come along.

 

[agua]

It's not about me not being able to forgive. I am just worried about salvation.

We are both baptized now, but what if we decide we are good for one another but want to make sure we are sexually compatible and have sex before we get married. And then actually get married.

Are we forgiven for this? I wouldn't want us to get married and then the intimacy be horrible and we get divorced over it.

And why shouldn't I just go out and sleep with lots of girls now and experiment if I can be forgiven?

I just want to find a great wife like this girl and be able to please her and make her happy in all aspects of life; and also please God and get to Heaven.

There are consequences to your actions that are apart from salvation. God blesses when you do His will and disciplines when you do not. Sexual compatibility is a small part of a successful mariage and placing such a high priority on it is unwise. It is worldly thinking. You will grow in this area after marriage.
Remember you are to be the head in marriage, as Christ is your head, and part of this responsibilty is leading your family in God's ways.
Start now.

 

[AudreyNicole]

I found this in my Bible and I think it might really help you:

"and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh." Mark 10:8

Become one flesh combines all aspects of life, with the idea not only of procreation but of mutuality in meeting needs and as an illustration of the relationship between Christ and His Bride, the church. (Matthew 19:5, Mark 10:8, Ephesians 5:31)

Only in monogamy does the idea of becoming one flesh have any significance. From this broader perspective of union, intercourse includes the exchange of thoughts and feelings. The act of marriage is the highest form of the communication of love for one another and the ultimate expression of intimacy. It provides a language that can express love without words. Faith in God is the bond of the marriage covenant, and sexual intimacy is the Holy Spirit's seal.

The quality of the celebration of sexual intimacy depends on the quality of the total marriage relationship. There can be very little fulfillment in the realm of physical intimacy if there is little closeness in the overall union. Since God designed male and female to fit together (in other words, males and females are sexually compatible... so no need to "try it out"), and instilled within each a desire for the other, no problems are exclusively sexual in nature. Difficulties in physical intimacy are a symptom of problems in other areas of the relationship.

 

[happyharold4]

I don't know what "sexually compatible" means, but I do know that having sex before marriage IS a sin. So if you are truly so concerned about your salvation, why would you willingly commit a sin? If you're so concerned about pleasing God, why would you willingly do something He has commanded you not to do?

Again, getting in to heaven is not about what you can do. It is about Jesus Christ.

And, news flash, marriage is a lot more than just sex. It kind of sounds like all you want to do is get in this girls pants... so maybe you should just leave her alone because if she's that big a temptation for you then she's no good for you. If you think getting married is all about the sex, you are extremely misguided.

Open your bible and start reading 1 Corinthians 7:

Marriage is discussed a lot in the scriptures but the marriage chapter is usually said to be I Corinthians 7. The chapter naturally lends itself to seven topic divisions. They are: The rights and duties of married life (vs. 1-7), teaching for the unmarried (vs. 8, 9), commandments for the married (vs. 10-16, 12-16 addresses mixed marriages between believers and unbelievers), the principle of remaining in the same state (vs. 17-24), teaching regarding the unmarried, especially in view of the prevailing circumstances (vs. 25-35, see vs. 26), instructions to fathers in the "present distress" (vs. 36-38), and teaching regarding the marriage of widows (vs. 39, 40). Some of the teaching is influenced by the "present distress" (vs. 26).
Some Great Chapters in the Bible
​

Having sex before marriage just to make sure it "works", is just like living together before marriage to make sure it "works". If God has truly blessed this relationship, and if He is a part of it, then there is no need to make sure it works because everything works with God. By making sure you are "compatible" (aka sleeping together), you are saying to God, "I do not trust that you know what you are doing Father, and I am going to do it on my own to make sure it is right." Is that really how you feel about God? Do you trust that He will do what is best? If so, there is no need for you to try and do it on your own.

Again, marriage is about way more than just sex. And if a couple gets divorced over sex problems it means God is not a part of their lives AT ALL.

And about the sleeping around thing... we are forgiven of our sins, but that does NOT give us the excuse to go around and sin. If you believe that you can go around and have sex, than you must believe it is OK to go around killing people, being unfaithful, disobeying parents, lying, cheating, etc. If you choose to willingly disobey God's law (by sleeping around) you will not be forgiven because you are blatantly rejecting God.

Honestly, I think there are a lot of issues that you need to deal with before moving forward in this relationship. So perhaps it would be best that you do separate yourself from this girl and focus on your relationship with God. You talk a lot about marriage and sex, but you haven't once mentioned the word love. That is what marriage is about, and that is what life is about. I think it would be best if you start learning about what true love really is, Godly love. How can you expect to get married when you don't even know God's love?

Pull yourself away from this girl, and focus your attention on God. Let Him get your life right before you go out trying to add another person to your life. Read through the Corinthians, and start with 1 corinthians 13. This speaks all about love... then see where God takes you from there. Learn about the marriage covenant, and what it truly means to be married. Take notes from Christ and His bride, and pray that God will help you to be like Him.

It sounds like you need the Spirit in your life. You say you were baptized, but you don't speak like you truly were. So, immerse yourself in prayer, fellowship, worship, and the word... focus on God, not this girl. And when you are ready, when God says you're ready, your girl will come along.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^That's excellent advice.

Happy