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Separated but still having relations with my husband

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New Member
I'm new to this site, but I love the clarification to posts you respond to. I'm assuming to create a new thread you just write a message?
In my previous post I wrote about my life and the circumstances I'm currently facing. What originally lead me to this site was the question is it ok in God's eyes to still have sexual relations with my husband even though we are separated?
I hurt my husband deeply when I abandoned him and moved in with my mom. I tried to explain to him consistently that I was hurting because I felt like he was putting his ex-wife first. I felt like he wasn't over her like he was saying he was; actions speaks louder than words.
It has been a rollercoaster.

Later God revealed to me that in many ways I neglected my husband also of attention. I was an independent single mom for 2years before we met. I had become adjusted to handling things on my own. His ex-wife was a stay at home mom while he supported the family. Ideally this is what I want also. However, at the time we got married he lost his job. He became the stay at home dad while I kept us through God's grace up to par. I was then pregnant with my second child his 4th. I thought he would at least clean the house and cook dinner since I had to now fill the role in my eyes prayerfully temporarily. That didn't happen. On my days off I would be catching up on house chores while still pregnant and working. It never occurred to me that my husband didn't feel independent because I always left my debit card with him to hopefully make up for losing his job. I knew he was battling depression, but in my eyes I was facing battles too. I was searching for him to fulfill the needs in my heart that only God could.
Finally after 6months he found a job. Great! Except I felt like his attitude had changed. I didn't feel like I was needed anymore at times. He was on a bliss of excitement finally independent and getting to do his own thing again. I felt like the marriage was slowly dwindling downhill. Instead of searching the scriptures and getting the affection from God that I needed I would gripe at him, yes the nagging wife
I became jealous and envious of his ex-wife. I felt like because I wasn't her he didn't love me. This I'm sure irritated him because he wanted that marriage to work out, but she had found someone else and divorced him. She always seemed ecstatic towards her new husband when we would show up to ball games for the kids. Eventually he slowly stopped showing me affection in front of her.

When I gave birth to our new son he invited his ex-wife with their kids to the delivery room. I must add his ex-wife was always very respectful towards me. I told him later it hurt me deeply that he did that. He said he just wanted his kids to see their new baby brother. I explained to him he could've met her somewhere to pick them up. He doesn't think like I do. So after Bryce was 3wks old I left.
To get up to date we fought a lot during this separation. I still missed my husband and love him. I was just so outraged at him. I began to let hatred have a place in my heart. Until about 4months ago. I couldn't shake the feeling that a divorce is not the right answer. I made a conscience decision to devote it to God. Everything I use to say to my husband i don't say anymore. I can't remember the last time I got angry with him and "told him how I felt." Then about 2months ago he went from can't stand to be around me to wanting a sexual relationship with me. I know he's still hurting because he made the statement he doesn't care about love anymore.
Naturally, I want my husband. So we started having sexual relations again. His actions are saying he wants to be a family again but he continues to say he wants a divorce.
He buys stuff for me, he's fixing a car for me to drive, he has stayed nights at my home, and he spontaneously gives me money. Says he wants to help me out with stuff. We watch movies together. It's almost like the intimacy and passion is their again. But if we're getting a divorce I don't want to be a "fornicator" in God's eyes. I told him i don't want to do it if he has no intentions of being a family again. I tell myself I'm not going to do it again but I always end up giving in to. Even the intimacy in the bed between us is better than before. Other than knowing when he leaves I'm going to be hurt and it leaving God to heal up the wounds is it a sin to be in a sexual relationship with my husband?
 
New Member
I am in the same situation sort of. Wife told me she wants a divorce and also said we could be friends with benefits. I was shocked. Just a few days ago she said something again. I want to save/fight for the marriage. I am kind of afraid it will hurt me bc i will and she says no way and i think we will have a better chance at getting back together Yes we are both Christians
 
New Member
In God's eyes, you are still bound to your original husband for life unless one or both of you were previously married and divorced. Jesus's teachings are clear that if you divorce your husband, you cause him to become an adulterers, and if he marries someone else, he commits adultery. The only exception to that is if he was previously married, divorced, and his original wife is still alive. Then you would have to divorce him because your marriage with him is adultery. And adulterers will not stay out of the Lake of Fire and inherit the Kingdom of Heaven.
 
Active Member
Mchica26,

I think your husband's words **and** actions need to line up. If he is telling you he wants a divorce, that is very confusing and troubling. It sounds like you have owned your part, but I haven't heard anything that sounds like your husband is also owning his - that he has been understanding of your hurt in this.

I think you need to draw some healthy boundaries for yourself. If he, as your husband, is wanting sex and no commitment, that's a problem. He is not showing you respect by taking from you sexually and not committing to you in a marital relationship.

My suggestions are to read some books on boundaries (Cloud and Townsend, etc) and to seek some counseling for yourself and hopefully both of you could seek counseling together.

I'm so sorry you're in such a painful situation. I pray for God's wisdom, healing and comfort for you.
 

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