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separated and still having sex with my husband is that.

Discussion in 'Parents & Couples' started by maddkitty77, Feb 9, 2012.

  1. my husband left the me and the kids about five weeks ago, we have 2 and 1 on the way and i have 2 from a previous marriage, we recently started to communicate after a month of not. he took the first step and came to see the children and from there we agreed to work our marriage out. but i dont know if he said that just to keep the peace between us because i feel like he wants to have the best of both worlds.
    he comes to watch the kids on his days off 2 days out of the week and i go to work. then wednesday thru sunday we arent on the list of things he has to deal with.He has even told me this week that he didnt want to talk to me. And he would call me or text me when he wanted to talk. I felt so hurt I couldnt even pray to God i just cried and cried. the nite before we spent so much time together it was great, i dont understand!
    Now as far as him and i we have been intimate because we missed each other, and i didnt feel bad beacuse to me it wasnt just sex it was spending time with my husband in a way i had the right to. I have know Jesus as my savior for a very long time and he has not know Jesus intimately or does he acknowledge much of my beliefs.
    and i feel like when he leaves to go back to his mothers house where he stays he turns into the man that would rather be single and have no worries, he dosnt want to talk to me or text or even come over for dinner and spend time with his family. and thats where i feel used and not loved. but when hes here its such a different character, hes great!
    My question is am i doing damage to my heart and marriage by having sex with him or am i strenghting our chances of healing the marriage. What does God think or say about us being separted and still having sex? I think i should stop the intimate time when he comes over on those 2 days, because i cry the next day, so much because i want my husband home and i miss him!
    Can someone help me? i have prayed and asked God continuesly to help my heart to stop hurting and please make me stop crying, i cant stop crying, God has told me he is carrying me and he will continue to.
  2. Ouch!

    Hi mad kitty,

    I am sorry for your predicament. I see from your post you are torn, but also I think you know the answer as well. Painful as it is, I believe he must re-enter the marriage permanently. Yes, he is using you in a very manipulative way, and not respecting your feelings, or those of your children.

    The come - and - go mentality of this is very damaging to them. The example it sets is not the security that a child needs.

    I am not a marriage counselor, but a concerned brother in the faith of Jesus Christ. That said, your hubby has no reason to return and 'man-up' if he is allowed to play at marriage. That marriage commitment is to be a reflection of our relationship with God, solid as His Word. You must be strong on behalf of your children and your marriage and not allow mixed messages to take root. Your own self-respect will suffer if you continue to allow this behavior.

    I am sorry to be blunt, but I do care for your situation as your brother.

    Robin, in the love of Christ.
    Dreamer and Ophel like this.
  3. While I agree to an extent with Robin, I think that separation is a grey area for a reason. Some separation intimacy can strengthen the marriage, for some marriages there is no amount of sex during separation that will soften hard hearts.

    I think it is up to your conscience sister.

    But on a practical note it would be sensible to seek counselling together alongside continuing marital intimacy if that is what you choose to do cause separation needs mediation.

    And on an even more practical note consider protecting yourself with contraceptives in case he is not being exclusive to you anymore.

    All the best with this situation, be willing to listen to how God guides you as the circumstances change.
  4. First off, my heart goes out to you for the stressful and heart-breaking situation you are in! May the peace and comfort of our Savior Jesus Christ keep and hold you throughout this trial!

    Because I care, I am going to be blunt and tell you some of the things I've learned, so that you don't make the same mistakes. If it sounds like I am being uncaring, it is not at all my intention. I sincerely want to help you.

    When it comes to sex, women generally think of it differently than men do, which is not surprising, as the genders are different in many ways in how we view things. From what I've heard over and over through general life experience, the consensus has been that many women think if they have sex with a man it will somehow make him love her (or love her more), want her more, need her more, or it will be the impetus the guy needs to finally make a commitment to her, etc.
    As in, "if we share such an intimate moment, we will be having a connection, a bond, sharing in something special together, we will be 'elevating' our relationship and become 'more than friends'", and similar lines of thinking.
    I have known many cases where this has been true.

    I have also known many men that use sex as a weapon, manipulating women into "putting out" if they want to keep the guy in the relationship. And the women acquiesce, because they don't want to lose the guy.

    I am not saying you are doing this, or this is the case here, because I don't know you or the details of your situation (nor do I need to, nor do they matter). What matters is your husband has done wrong in callously abandoning you and is now hurting you further with his selfishness.

    I do understand if you feel the need to be intimate with your husband, because you are hurting and feel lost and want something back, etc. I am not judging your actions of sleeping with him. You haven't wronged him, he has wronged you.

    I think you hit the nail on the head when you said your husband WANTS THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS. You better believe it!

    You miss your husband and maybe he can see how obvious that is, and so he is manipulating you, using you. He wants his cake and eat it too! He wants freedom and sex, and what do you get? He leaves you and you cry your eyes out. And your kids feel pain and confusion as well.

    So please don't be deceived that having sex while separated will somehow help your marriage, any more than having sex while you were married kept him faithful to you. Some guys want freedom and sex, rather than commitment and sex. You'll have to pay close attention to him and decide for yourself.

    I think you really need some good Christian marriage counseling and to start having some dignity and self respect in your life. You are a precious child of the Most High God, not someone who deserves to have her emotions tinkered with from a guy that isn't man enough to be faithful to his wife and children. Your husband is not a good person, and not a man.

    I think, madkitty, you should re-read your own post, because you have said a lot of things in it that your subconscious knows to be true, even though they may be hard to accept. You said he basically shuns you when he's at his mom's - no phone calls, no spending time with the kids, etc. - while he is "such a different character, he's great!" when he comes over to your place. His behavior is not at all surprising to me. He will only be able to hurt you if you let him. Please don't let him. He needs to be be made accountable to you and your kids.

    My suggestion to you is to STOP having sex with him, letting him know unequivocally that if he comes over, it will not be for THAT. You can tell him you want to build, work on, heal the relationship, etc., but sex will complicate things, or something like that. If he doesn't like the new rules, that will show you his true colors.

    I've probably said too much, so I'll leave it at that. You are in my prayers!
    Butterfly7, Jesus_is_LORD and Ophel like this.
  5. As others have said, your husband seems to want the best of both worlds. He also is manipulating you. He is taking a very special part of your past marriage and using it to stir feelings in you that draw you to him. But it is only sex to him.

    I am separated from my husband also, madkitty. He does not live for the Lord.

    You can pm me. I think I can really identify with you. I will pray with you anywhere, anytime. Thank you for posting from your heart.
    Jesus_is_LORD likes this.
  6. Thanks

    I dont think that anyone of you were being blunt, i appreciate straight up talk. unfortunately it is what it is! And I thank God for the blessings and prayers,
    I have alot of non-christian friends and not enough christian friends. This is one of the reasons i have turned to this web site for counsel and advice because a sister in Christ has told me that the only good advice is christian advice!
    Tomarow he will be here to watch the kids for me while i work, and he will stay the nite too, the only reason that he does not leave when i get home from work on mondays is because he has no car and he stays on one side of town and im clear across the other side. The city bus is the only mode of transportation for him until he gets his life together.
    Like i said before when hes here he is very loving and non confrontational, but when hes at his moms house he is not the same guy that was here the other day! and i firmly believe there is a stronghold at that house that keeps him from conversing with me, I didnt want to mention that he has an addiction to marijauna and so does his mother and they live in a very small apartment and he calls the sleeper couch his home :( that is the main reason he come to my home to watch the kids. I just dont see that place fit for my 2 young children!
    Like i said satan has a stronghold on him and i know thats what that is! He will be here in a day and I will sit him down and ask him if its time to work on the marriage, and i mean really put this to work! its been well over a month and im quite fed up with being treated badly and not just me im very fed up with him not taking care of his boys!
    I already know he is going to compare our marriage with my past marriage and the relationship i have with my exhusband. We have after 6 long years finally reached a point to where we can be comfortable with my exhusband during holidays and birthdays. Clear as day they are 2 different men, and does not understand that!
    I only hope and pray that the next couple of days will go smooth whatever the out come. Brothers and Sisters I ask for prayer, If i hadnt said it above thanks again for the advice and concerment! I do have family but they are speaking out of my own hurt and emotions at the moment, so the advice isnt exactly encouraging,
    Hopefully by the middle of next week i should have a great praise report!! God Bless and stay warm!:dirol:
    Dreamer likes this.
  7. Praying for you.
  8. (Romans 15:13) May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you may abound in hope by the power of the holy Spirit.

    God speaks to our conscience. What does He say to you?

    Peace Be With You Sister...
    Dreamer likes this.
  9. Hi Maddkitty I realize it is 2015 and I hope your marital situation worked out for the best... I have been in a similar situation a couple of times and seeking God more earnestly brought the right answers and led to the best decisions
    I also would like to recommend a book called Necessary Endings by Henry Cloud
    And to encourage you that at the end Jesus will fullfill all and every need
    Sent from an iPhone
    Dreamer and Sassy1 like this.
  10. SoZo-KA, I'm writing to you as your comments was the most recent on this thread. I've been separated from my husband since January 2015. He's been in complete denial about everything that happened and accused me of horrible things over the last several months. It was only in the last week that he's been nice. Although I've not heard from him much to be honest. I've been praying God's will be done in our marriage and for my husbands salvation. My church is praying, my pastor and his wife, and I've also been seeing a christian counselor. It's the same counselor my husband and I saw together before we separated, I just continued to see him to help me with my emotions and feelings from the separation. My husband contacted me this last Sunday, wanting to apologize and work on our marriage. We got together, had great conversation even though we didn't discuss certain topics, one thing led to another and we ended up having sex. I had even told him before it got to far that I had to know that he was serious about restoring our marriage and making it a commitment, that I wasn't interested in a physical fling, and that if he was, then it wasn't going to happen. He reassured me of his commitment, so we proceeded. He stayed for a while after and then left. We have three kids, one his, one mine and one together. I called him this morning to say Hi, we talked about small things and then I asked him if he had any regrets about the night before. His tone immediately changed and there was a pause and he said, I don't know. When I asked why, he again said I don't know. I asked if it was because we had sex, he said that maybe we jumped into the physical too soon and that he just didn't know. Now, I'm left wondering if he even wants to work on the marriage at all. Feeling hurt. And so, like everything I gave it to God.
  11. #11 SoZo-KA, Jun 16, 2015
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 16, 2015
    Hi maddkitty and sassy 1,
    I have been on that situation for over a year not only having sex with my ex when we meet but hoping that there is a restoration!
    Finally after much praying, counseling and waiting on him!
    He took me out for breakfast last week and the Holy Spirit prompted me to ask him boldly and straight out! "Do you want to restore pur marriage Yes or No?"
    He said "I don't know!" He said it is too late to restore and he kinda likes where he is at right now!
    So I signed the divorce papers and took them to court. I felt releived because in a way I am no longer in that crazy hope we could be together again.... Great sex but unfortunatelly we are unable to even communicate in a descent manner when we talk about money, bills, rasiing the kids and our ministry life!! He is at times quite religious and I am open to pray for anyone and everyone!!!
    So, I felt sad yet at peace!
    God said it is ok!!!
    After much counseling we understood that his heart is still a bit hard and I cannot change that! Only God can!
    But I also learned that I must focus much more on Christ and God and the Holy Spirit and my relationhsip with them and rasing my kids than hoping my ex will humble his heart!
    My ex has 7 kids two ex wives
    I have 2 teens and my first mission is love my God and take care of my kids!!
    If my ex decides to return he might have to work a bit harder to remarry me and if not I still have God empowering me to do His will!!
    But I am at peace right now and I dont have to think I need sex with my husband even though he is not in my roof... But that I cannot mess around because I am focusing on Christ and my kids now!!!
    I hope this helps you!!!
    Blessings and have a great week!
    PS: God divorced Israel because of the hardness of its heart! OT
    Sent from an iPhone
    Dreamer likes this.
  12. Marriage is all about commitment and faithfulness.
    For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health. Through the good and the bad, etc. etc.

    If you are not good enough to surrender his self to and love and for him to cherish you, then he definitely ought not to be entitled to any "benefits" of being
    with you for an occasional night.
    In marriage its all or nothing.
    Marriage is still the highest most noble moral principle for living that we have - Christian and non-Christian.
    Get yourself a KJV concordance that lists verses of the KJV Bible in topics - look up marriage, bride, bridegroom, marriage feast.
    Nave's Topical Bible is readily available.

    Chapter 7 in 1Corinthians is a good starting point -
    7:1 Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.
    7:2 Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.
    7:3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.
    7:4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.
    7:5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again,
    that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. [lack of self-restraint] Paul was exceedingly pious in respect to denying the flesh...

    7:10 And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband:
    7:11 But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.
    7:12 But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away.
    7:13 And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.
    7:14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean;
    but now are they holy.
    7:15 But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.
    7:16 For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife?

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