Principles Of Marriage & Family Ethics

[Dalia]

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The human society is comprised of families. Christianity attaches great importance to real pleasure and prosperity of human beings through balanced, highly ethical, well-educated and well-behaved families and happy homes. Like in all the fields of human activity, Christianity has laid down clearly and in detail the rights and duties of men and women, husbands and wives and also parents and children. The happy homes having pleasant environment, in which husband, wife, children and other relatives live together merrily with good mutual understanding, tolerance and respect as well as fulfilling their respective duties towards each other, is indeed an index of the highest status the Almighty God has blessed, among the creatures, to all human beings.

Unfortunately, the lack of appreciation about these aspects, particularly by husbands and wives, leads to many problems for themselves as well as for the children-the future generations.

The greatest desire of all young men and women who reach the age of puberty is to marry. Through the establishment of a joint marital life, they would earn more independence, as well as have a kind and trustworthy partner. They regard marriage as the beginning of their lives of prosperity.

Man has been created for woman and vice versa. They are attracted to each other like magnets. Marriage and establishing a joint life is a natural desire of human beings responding to their instincts. It is considered one of the greatest Divine blessings. In fact, where else could one find a better shelter for the youth than a sincere family unit ? It is the desire of raising a family which preserves the youth from pursuing irrational dreams and internal anxieties. The marital union enables them to find a kind and faithful partner who could share the hard and difficult times. The sacred marital covenant is a Divine rope which links the hearts, calms them when they become unsettled, and focuses irrational dreams on one ideal goal. The house is the centre of love, kindness, and friendship, whereby it is the best place to relax and live comfortably.

Even though the Compassionate God has endowed human beings with such a precious blessing, they do not appreciate it and sometimes due to ignorance and selfishness, convert this warm and blessed union, into a dark prison or even a burning Hell! It is due to man's own ignorance that the members of the family have to live in this dark prison or that the sacred marital covenant has to be destroyed.

If a couple is aware of their duties and acts accordingly, then a house would be a place of friendship and would resemble heaven. But, if there are family-differences and arguments, the family home, could truly change into a prison. Family differences are due to various reasons, such as economic factors, family background of the man and woman, living environment, unwanted interference by fathers, mothers and relatives, and tens of other reasons. But according to the author, the most important factor is the ignorance of husband and wife regarding their duties and lack of preparation for their marital life. Generally, in order to accomplish a task, expertise and readiness are necessary requirements. If one lacks the necessary knowledge and readiness, then one cannot successfully achieve his desired goal. Thus, training classes are formed to educate people for different tasks.

Expertise, readiness, and knowledge are also needed in marriage. A young man must possess enough information about his wife's principles of values and internal desires. He must also be aware of marital problems and ways of solving them. He should not regard marriage as merely buying goods, or hiring a maid, but to acknowledge it as a treaty of friendship, honesty, kindness, partnership, and cooperation in a joint family life.
A young woman should also be aware of her husband's philosophy of life and wishes. She should not consider that marriage is like engaging a servant for fulfilling needs without any terms and conditions; but as a pledge for partnership and cooperation in making efforts for conducting the life. In order to obtain a successful partnership, there is a need for understanding, cooperation, and devotion.

Although the future of young men and women largely depends on a marriage which requires awareness of the importance of the concepts of marriage and preparation for undertaking such a task, our society unfortunately neglects the importance of these conditions.

The parents pay a great deal of attention to such points as dowry, beauty, and personality. However, they disregard the readiness for establishing a marital life as a necessary condition. They marry their sons and daughters off without providing adequate information about family life.
Consequently two young and inexperienced people step into a new life and confront many problems. Differences, arguments, and fights begin to develop. Their parents then interfere to help resolve the differences. But, since their interferences are mostly biased, the differences are exaggerated and the situation becomes worse.
The initial years of family life are eventful and critical. This is the period where many families can be torn between divorce and disintegration. Some of them continue their marriage and prefer this self-made prison to divorce and others learn more about each other and form a relatively comfortable life.

What a nice thing it could be had there been some means of educating and informing young men and women about the foundations and the establishment of marriage in the form of classes entitled "marriage preparation" which would prepare them for establishing their own families. I am hopeful of the day that such program is established. ​

THE DUTIES OF WOMEN: The Purpose of Marriage

Marriage is a natural necessity for every human being. It bears many good outcomes of which the most important ones are:



(1) The formation of a family through which one can find security and peace of mind. A person who is not married resembles a bird without a nest. Marriage serves as a shelter for anyone who feels lost in the wilderness of life; one can find a partner in life who would share one's joy and sorrow.

(2) The natural sexual desire is both strong and significant. Everyone should have a partner for satisfying their sexual needs in a secure and serene environment. Everyone should enjoy sexual satisfaction in a correct and proper manner. Those who abstain from marriage often suffer from both physical and psychological disorders. Such disorders and certain social problems are a direct consequence of the abstinence of youth from marriage.

(3) Reproduction: Through marriage the procreation of mankind is continued. Children are the result of marriage and are important factors in stabilizing the family foundations as well as a source of real joy to their parents.

What has been dealt with so far in this chapter has been only the worldly and animalistic side of marriage which the animals also share: the Benefits of companionship and reproduction. As such the true purpose of marriage for the human race is of a different kind. Mankind is not meant to have entered this world solely in order to eat, drink, sleep, seek pleasure or act lustfully, and then to die and be destroyed. The status of man is higher than such deeds. Human beings are meant to train themselves and their souls by gaining knowledge, committing good deeds, and behaving with good manners. Man is meant to take steps along the straight path to achieve nearness to Almighty God. Mankind is a creation that is able to cleanse his soul and by avoiding evil deeds and exercising good behavior reach a level of such high status that even the angels are not able to attain. Man is a creature that is eternal. He has come to this world so that by the guidance of the Jesus and the implementation of the programs set by the religion (of Christianity), to secure his happiness in this world and the Hereafter; so that he could live a peaceful life in the next world eternally.

Therefore, the purpose of marriage should be searched for in this spiritual context. The aim of marriage for a religious person should be a means of avoiding evil deeds and purging one's soul of sins. It should be a means of acquiring nearness to the Almighty God. It is in this context that a suitable and good partner assumes an important role. When two believers, through marriage, form a family, their sexual relationship would benefit them in strengthening their mutual love and kindness, for such a couple, there would not exist any dangerous threats of sexual perversion, dangerous addictions or unlawful deeds

A faithful, pious, and harmonious partner plays a crucial role in having a respectable and honest life. Indeed having such a partner is an important factor when wanting to avoid evil deeds and enables the commitment of oneself in performing the obligatory acts of worship. A pious couple, not only would not meet with any obstacle in achieving religious goals, but would be a source of encouragement to each other .

Is it really possible for a faithful man of God to gloriously fight in His way, without the approval of his wife? Is it possible for any pious person to earn his living lawfully, observing all religious aspects, paying statutory religious alms to avoid extravagance, and to spend on charitable deeds without the consent of his wife?

A pious person would always invite his partner to goodness, just as a corrupt person would tempt his partner towards corruption. It is then reasonable that, in Christianity men and women, who want to get married, are advised to regard the piety and good manners of their future partners, as essential conditions. ​

Living with Husband

The task of a wife is to maintain and take care of a husband. It is not an easy undertaking. Those women who are unaware of this feature of their role, may find difficulty in fulfilling the task. It is a job for the woman who is aware that the job requires a degree of sagacity, style, and ingenuity. For a woman to be a successful wife, she should win over her husband's heart and be a source of comfort to him. She should encourage him to do good deeds while dissuading him from bad ones. She should also provide adequate measures to maintain his health and well-being. The results of her efforts are directed towards making the man into a kind and respected husband who would be a proper guardian for his family, and a good father from whom the children would seek guidance and respect. God, the All-Knowing has endowed woman with extraordinary power. The prosperity and happiness as well as the misery of the family are in her hands.



A woman can turn the home into a lofty paradise or a burning hell. She can lead her husband to the peak of success or the dregs of misfortune. The woman with the qualities bestowed on her by God, who is aware of her role as a spouse, can elevate her husband to a respected man even if he had been the lowest of all men. ​

Kindness

Everyone is thirsty for friendship and kindness; They all like to be loved by others. The heart of a human being thrives on it. A person who is not loved by anyone regards himself as alone and deserted. Dear lady! Your husband is not any different. He is also in need of love and affection. Before his marriage the love and affection of his parents fulfilled this need, but now, he expects you to fulfill it. The man looks towards his spouse to find friendship and love, which is a requirement of all human beings. He struggles hard to earn a living and to comfort you. He shares with you all the hardships of life and as your true partner cares for your happiness even more than your parents. Therefore, express your appreciation to him and love him, he will love you. Love is a two-way relationship which unites the hearts.

If love is mutual, the marital foundation becomes strong and the dangers of separation are averted. Do not proudly think that your husband fell in love with you at first sight, because such love is not lasting. A lasting love is through kindness and permanent affection in the form of a very close friendship.



If you love your husband and have a good friendship he will be happy and willing to strive and sacrifice himself for your well-being. A man who enjoys the love of his wife, rarely suffers from poor health or has emotional problems. If a man is deprived of a warm and friendly relationship with his spouse, he may become disheartened and may avoid his home. He may end up spending a great deal of time out of his home in search of friends and attention. He may say to himself: "Why should I work and support the people who do not like me. I might as well enjoy myself and try to find genuine friends."

A woman may sincerely love her husband, but does not show it or express it very often. It is not enough to establish the ties of friendship and take it for granted. Occasional expressions of statements such a "I love you," "I missed you," "I am happy to see you," help enormously in promoting a good relationship. When the husband is on a trip, the woman should write letters expressing that she missed him. If there is a telephone at the man's office, the wife should phone him occasionally, but not in excess. She should praise him among friends and relatives when he is absent, and defend him if anyone is talking against him.​

The Husband's Respect

The desire for respect is an inherent one, but not everyone is willing to give it readily. Your husband is in contact with many people during the day while away from home. Some may be impolite and insulting him which eventually can upset the person. As his wife, he expects you to show respect and encouragement at home and thereby boost his trampled ego.



To honor and respect your husband does not belittle you, but it provides energy and inclination to struggle to make a better life. You should always greet him, and with your greeting, give him a feeling of veneration. Do not interrupt him when he is talking. Be courteous and polite when you are talking to him and do not shout at him. Let him enter first when both of you are going to a meeting. Praise him in front of others. Ask your children to respect him and reprimand them if they are discourteous towards him. Be respectful of him in front of guests and be attentive to his needs, as well as the guests. When he is knocking at the door you should try to open the door with a smile and a happy expression. This small act of happiness has such an effect that it refreshes the man's tired spirits. Some women may think that such behaviour is strange. Imagine greeting your husband as if he was a guest. This is not the correct attitude because the man has been struggling all the day for the well-being of his family and he deserves some consideration and respect when he returns home. That first greeting makes a big impression and what's good for a guest is good for the family members

Be careful not to humiliate him, do not talk to him harshly, do not abuse him, do not be inattentive to him, and do not call him by any obscene titles. If you offend him, he, in turn, will insult you. Eventually, the spirit of love and trust will erode. Consequently, you will have constant quarrels and arguments which may lead to a divorce. Even if you continue to live together, your lives will surely be filled with many turbulent moments. Feelings of antagonism and psychological disturbances may build up to the point that it becomes hazardous to the couple's life in that it may lead to crime. The following stories, illustrate some of these points: ​

Complaints and Grievances

There is not anyone who does not have problems and grievances with regard to daily life. Everyone likes to have a sympathetic person with whom he can confide and who will listen to his problems. But the point to remember is that "there is a time and place for everything". One should realize the proper time and occasion to complain. Some ignorant and selfish women do not realize that their husbands are very tired and nervous after a long day's work. Instead of waiting an hour or two for him to regain his spirits, they start attacking him with a barrage of complaints

Dear lady! if you care about your husband and your family, then you should give up this improper and illogical attitude. Have you ever thought that your misconduct may lead towards breaking up your family life?​

Pleasant Dispositions

Anyone who is good-natured with a pleasant disposition would also face the hardships and problems of life in the same manner. These are the kinds of personality that people are attracted to and continually seek. The pleasant disposition and attitude of a person would be immune to psychological disorders since their outlook to life is to overcome their hardships in the best feasible manner.

But an ill-natured person would likewise find life unpleasant since the relationship of such people promote anxiety and tension. Such a person enjoys complaining and voicing one's dissonance with life. This type of attitude is avoided by most people whereby the person ends up with very few friends, These are then the conditions which are susceptible to various psychological problems, and other illnesses due to the anxiety and emptiness with which the person with a bad attitude views life.

A good and pleasant attitude is essential between all people in general and between couples in particular since the couple must be together to form a joint life.

Dear lady! if you want to enjoy a pleasant life with your husband and children, make your attitude and disposition pleasant and agreeable. Be good-natured and not quarrelsome. You have the ability to turn your house into a lofty paradise or a burning hell. You can be an angel of mercy whereby your husband and children can find peace through you. Do you know what a beautiful impression you would leave on their souls with your smiling attitude and good language. The pleasant impression is fresh in their minds as they start off to school or work and helps them to make a good start of the day.

Therefore, if you care about the quality of your life and the relationship you have with your husband, do not be negative in nature. Be positive in your attitude and disposition since the best supportive pillar of security to marriage is a good set of ethics leading to a pleasant disposition.

Most instances of divorce are due to the incompatible nature of man and wife. The statistics on divorce conclusively indicate that the compatible attitude, moral values and disposition was non-existent in the couples. The main source of family rows and discord is due to the incompatible character of the couple's ethical principles and values.

Most of the family conflicts may be resolved with kindness, compassion and a pleasant disposition. If your husband is unkind, if he goes out for dinners alone, if he is abusive, wastes away all his wealth, speaks of divorce and separation or a number of reasons for family conflict, there is only one way to resolve them. The way is by being kind and good-natured. The results of exercising such behavior are miraculous.​

Wrong Expectations

Dear lady! you are the mistress of your household. Be wise and understanding. Keep an account of your expenses. Budget your expenditures in a way that it is not detrimental to your wealth and honour. Do not compete with others and be envious of them. If you see a nice dress on a woman, or if you become interested in some furnishings that you have seen at a friend's or relative's house, do not compel your husband to purchase them which is beyond his financial means and would force him to borrow. Isn't it better to wait until your budget is higher or there is some extra saving to make non-essential purchases?




It is mostly the ignorant and selfish women who succumb to extravagance and rivalry. These women force their husbands to be under debt and they become exhausted and disgusted in trying to satisfy the unsatiable demands of their wives. Sometimes, the only solution to these problems for the men is to go for a divorce or even commit suicide.




The women who have not perceived the true purpose and meaning of marriage and instead they regard it in terms of bondage where the husband is acquired to fulfill their childish desires and material needs. They want a husband who will serve them like a slave and will not object to their way of spending. These women sometimes even go further . They make their husbands spend more than their means which may entail bankruptcy, murder, and other disastrous consequences.




Such women are a disgrace to other women. If her high expectations lead to divorce, the woman will be deprived of the love of her children, and will have to live a life of loneliness. For these women remarriage will not happen easily. Even if it does happen, it is not certain that the marriage will work out since most human beings do not like to be kept in unreasonable bondage and the new husband may not be able to meet their demands any better than the previous one.




Dear lady! instead of being covetous, try to be reasonable. Spend more time and effort for the well-being of your family and husband rather than trying to imitate everyone. If your husband spends lavishly, then stop him and curb his unnecessary expenses. Instead of buying non-essential commodities, it is better to save some money for a rainy day​

 

[Dalia]

Be a Comfort for Your Husband

The burdens of life weigh heavily upon the shoulders of men since they are responsible for maintaining and supporting their families. In fulfilling this responsibility, the man of the household must confront many problems and obstacles outside of the home. Some of these problems may be the pressures of work, the hassles of traffic and commuting from the office to home, concerns over economical and political issues of the day, empathy and concern for friends and colleagues, and the pressures of trying to improve the living conditions of his family. The amount of preoccupations and pressures upon a responsible man is enormous and multifaceted. It is no wonder that the average lifespan of a man is less than the woman.



In order for the human being to be able to cope with the burdens of life it is necessary to have someone to listen to and sympathize with him. Your husband is no exception. He may feel alone and in need of finding refuge and comfort amidst these pressures. It is natural that the man looks towards his wife and family as a source of comfort and relief. Therefore, anticipate his expectations and needs. Be cordial and warm when he first returns home after working and have refreshments or let him feel that you are at his disposal to care for his needs. Try not to overwhelm him with criticizing him the minute you see him. Let him rest and recover his strength before putting up the demands of the family's personal issues.



When your husband comes home, try to have a smile and a warm greeting for him. Attend to his physical needs of fatigue, hunger, and thirst. Then ask him about his problems. If he is not willing to talk, be a good listener and sympathize with him. Try to express your genuine concern and then help him realize that the problems are not as impossible and huge as he had thought. Give him encouragements of support to help him cope with the issues. You can say something like this: These problems are being faced by many people. With a strong will-power and patience, it is possible to overcome the difficulties as long as one does not let the problems get the better of you. These problems, as a matter of fact, are tests as well as builders of the true character of a person. Do not despair. You can solve them through determination and perseverance.



If you have some ideas on handling the problems, share them with your husband. If not, may be you can suggest a good friend who is more qualified.



Dear lady! at times of difficulty, your husband is in need of your attention and love. You should come to his aid and nurse him like a sympathetic psychiatrist and wife. What a psychiatrist could give the amount of care that you would give? Do not underestimate your ability to soothe and strengthen him. There is no one more devoted and concerned over your husband's well-being other than yourself. He would be able to draw strength from your devotions to him and cope with his problems which will relieve his emotional and mental pressures. Consequently, the mutual bond of respect and love would also be greater which can only lead towards strengthening your marital relationship. ​

Be Appreciative

If a person is generous and charitable with the wealth that he has acquired from hard work, the appreciation and notice given in response to such acts will warm that person's inner feelings and give him a feeling of accomplishment. Acts of goodwill may then become second nature to the person whereby it becomes a habit to spend and share one's wealth for those in need. However, if the acts of goodwill are taken for granted and unappreciated, the person may lose the desire and drive to do good. It would be natural for a person to conclude that it was a waste to give away his hard earned money when it was unappreciated.



Gratitude and appreciation are admirable characteristics in a person and it is the secret by which one may attract charitable acts. Even God has mentioned that gratitude for His blessings are conditional on the continual perpetuation of his grace upon mankind:



"And when your Lord made it known: If you are grateful would certainly give to you more, and if you are ungrateful, My chastisement is fully severe"(14:7)



Dear madam! your husband is also human. Like everyone else, he enjoys being appreciated. He is willing to support his family and regards it as a moral and lawful obligation. When he is thanked and appreciated for doing his duty, those duties no longer seem to be a burden.



Whenever he buys home appliances or something like clothes and shoes for you and the children, be happy and thank him. Show your gratitude for the trivial things he does such as buying groceries, taking the family on trips and gives you your allowance. By showing your appreciation, you will make your husband feel good and rewarded for the trouble he has taken. Be careful that you do not take his duties for granted and become indifferent towards his contributions to the family. He may become disheartened about the welfare of the family. He may prefer to spend his money elsewhere or on himself.



If a friend or relative presented you with a pair of stockings or a bunch of flowers, you would thank them repeatedly. So it is only natural and fair to show appreciation to your husband for his consideration and thoughtfulness. Do not think that you would be belittling yourself by demonstrating your appreciation. On the contrary, you would be loved and cared for more because you appreciate the efforts of your husband whereas snobbism and selfishness can only lead towards great misfortunes. ​

Do not Look for Shortcomings

Nobody is perfect. Some are too tail or too short, or too fat or too skinny, have a big nose or a small one, talk too much or are too silent, are bad-tempered or too easy-going, have a very dark complexion or a very fair complexion, or eat too much, or too less, and the list can continue. Most men and women have some of these shortcomings. It is the hope of every man and woman to find a spouse who is perfect but such hopes are unrealistic. It is unlikely to find a woman who regards her husband as perfect.



Those women who are in search of faults in their husbands will undoubtedly find them. They would find a trivial shortcoming and exaggerate it by dealing on the matter to the point that it becomes an unbearable impediment. This defect then replaces all the merits of the husband. They always compare their husbands with other men. They have established a so-called ideal man in their imaginations whose standards do not fit in their husbands. Therefore, they are always complaining about the shortcomings in their marriage. The women regard themselves as unfortunates and failures which gradually turn them into spiteful women.



What does such behaviour in a woman do to her husband? He may be a very patient person who can tolerate he rudeness but most likely he will become insulted and develop a grudge against her. This would likely lead towards mutual arguments and elaborations of the shortcomings in each other. They will both become contemptuous of each other and their life wit! turn into a series of rows and arguments. Thus, they will either live in misery together or go for a divorce. In either case, both will lose, especially when there is no guarantee that another marriage may prove otherwise.



It is a pity that some women are ignorant and obstinate in their ignorance. It is possible that they may shatter their family life over a trivial matter. The following are some illustrative cases of such women:

Dear madam! your husband is a human being like you. He is not perfect, but he may have many merits. If you are interested in your marriage and your family then do not set out to find his weaknesses. Do not regard his small defects as important. Do not compare him with an ideal man whom you have established in your mind. There may be some faults with your husband which are not present in others. But you should remember that other men may have other defects which are non-existent in yours. Be satisfied with his merits. You will consequently see that his merits outweigh his faults. Besides why should you expect a perfect husband when you are imperfect yourself. If you are proud enough to think you are perfect, then ask others.

Why should you exaggerate a trivial fault? Why should you shatter your life for the sake of something unimportant?

Be wise? Stop being frivolous! Ignore the faults and do not mention them in front of or behind your husband. Try to create a warm atmosphere in your family and enjoy the blessings of God. However, there may be flaws in your husband's character which you may be able to correct. If so, then you can succeed only by behaving considerately and with patience. You must not criticize him or start a row, but approach him in a friendly manner. ​

Forgive Your Husband's Mistakes

Everyone, except those that God has declared as "Infallible" makes mistakes. When two people, who love together, and cooperate with each other, make mistakes, they must be forgiving, If they do not forgive each other, then their marriage will come to an end. Two business partners, two neighbours, two colleagues, two friends, and specifically, a husband and a wife need to be able to forgive each other. If the members of a family are unforgiving and pursue each other's mistakes, then either the family will separate or they will experience an unbearable life. ​

Dear madam! your husband probably makes mistakes. He may insult you, abuse you, tell lies, he might even hit you. Such acts might be committed by any man. If your husband, after making a mistake, regrets it or you feel he is regretful himself for his misconduct, then forgive him and do not pursue the matter. If he is regretful but not prepared to express his apologies, then do not try to prove his mistake. Otherwise, he might feel humiliated and he may retaliate by picking out your mistakes and consequently start a major row. So it is better for you to remain silent until he condemns himself from his conscience and starts to feel remorse about it. He would then regard you as wise and devoted wife who is interested in her husband and family.

 

[Dalia]

Coping with Your Husband's Relatives

One of the problems of family life is the one cause between the wife and her husband's relatives. Some women do not have a good relationship with their husband's mother, sisters, or brothers. On the one hand the wife may try to dominate her husband so that he would not be able to pay any attention even to his mother, or any other relatives and she may try to sow discord between them. On the other hand, her mother-in-law regards herself as the owner of her son and daughter-in-law. The mother tries hard to hold on to her son and is watchful that the new woman does not try to possess him fully. She may fabricate lies about her daughter-in-law or find fault in her. Such an attitude might be followed by many arguments and even occasional hostilities. The situation becomes even worse if they all live in the same house. Even though a row may occur between two women, the real anguish and distress remains with the man in the middle.




The husband is trapped in an argument where he cannot take sides. On the one hand is his wife who would like to have an independent life without any interference from outsiders. He naturally feels that he must support her and make her happy. But on the other hand, he thinks of his parents who have helped him with his life, education, and have spent their own lives in bringing him up. He feels that his parents expect him to help them in their times of need and that it would not be fair to abandon them. Besides, if he himself was in need of something, who else, other than his parents, would help him and his family. As a result, he realizes that his best and most trustworthy friends are his parents and relatives. So, the dilemma for a sensible man is either to choose the wife and abandon the parents or vice versa; but neither of these is possible.




Consequently, he has to cope with both sides and keep them satisfied which, itself, is a difficult task. The only possible way to ease the situation is that the woman should be loyal and wise. A man in this situation expects his wife to help solve the problem. If the wife respects her mother-in-law, seeks advice from her, and becomes obedient and friendly with her, then the mother-in-law will be her greatest supporter .




Is it not sad that one who can attract many people through kindness and good manners, should repulse them through stubbornness and selfishness? Do you not realize that in the ups and downs of life, one might need the help of others, and especially of relatives who would support you when everyone else deserts you? Is it not better to enjoy a good relationship with one's relatives through consideration and good behaviour? Is it really wise and fair to become friends with strangers while breaking away from your own relations?




Experience shows that when one needs the help of others, friends leave but the abandoned relatives come to help. This is because the family ties are natural and cannot be broken easily. There is a general proverb which says: "Even if one's flesh is eaten by relations, they would not throw away the bones!"

One would need the respect and kindness of one's relatives. It is they who would support one physically and mentally. Relatives always come to the rescue. In times of need they could come to one's assistance faster than others. Whoever disowns his relatives will lose many helping hands.




Dear madam! for the sake of your husband and for the sake of your own comfort as well as to find many good friends and supporters, put up with your husband's relatives. Do not be selfish and ignorant; be wise and do not cause your husband any distress. Be a good and devoted wife in order to be accepted by both God and the people. ​

Coping With Your Husband's Job

Everyone has a job and jobs are different. For example, a driver who is mostly on the road and is unable to come home every night; a policeman who may have to stay out some nights; a medical doctor who has little time to spend with his family; a lecturer or a scientist who reads a great deal at nights; a mechanic whose clothes are dirty and have smell of oil; a factory worker who works at night. Therefore, there are rarely jobs which are entirely convenient and do not entail any discomfort of the family. There is not any other way of earning an honest living than working. It is necessary for the men to put up with the difficulties of their jobs. However, there is another problem which is the complaints of the family.



Women usually like their men to be nearby and prefer them to be home when it becomes dark. Women want their husbands to have a decent job with a high salary. They like to have enough time to go out in the evenings. But unfortunately, the jobs of most men do not live up to their wives' expectations, and this, for some families, is a source of rows and arguments.



A driver who has been on the road for a few nights, who has not had a decent sleep and has not been eating regularly, enters his house to rest and find peace and comfort with his family. Then his wife, without sparing a moment, starts to moan and groan: "What is this life? Why do you leave me with these kids and where have you been? I have to do all the work myself because you are not here to help. I am fed up with these naughty children. As a matter off act driving is not a good job. You should either change your job or settle with me. I can't live like this any longer!" A poor driver who has such a wife cannot be expected to perform well on his job and may endanger his life; and the lives of those whom he transports. A doctor who, from morning to night, visits tens of patients cannot cope with the grumbling of his wife. Then how could he continue to practise medicine? A worker who works during the night shifts cannot enthusiastically pursue his job if his wife is a shrewish woman. How can a scientist be successful in his field of research if his wife is constantly nagging him? These are the tests which distinguish the wise women from the ignorant ones.



Dear madam! we cannot make the world according to our wishes, but we can adapt ourselves to the existing situation. Your husband needs to have a job to earn his family's living. His job has certain conditions which you must adapt to. You must program your family life according to his job. Why do you grumble and find fault with his job? Welcome him home with a happy face and be kind to him. Be wise and cope with his job.



If your husband is a driver who is mostly on the road, then realize that he is trying to bring money home for your sake and the children's. There is nothing wrong with his job. He is a part of society and is serving it the best way he can. Would it have been better if he was a lazy person or if he was engaged in an irreligious job? So, there is nothing wrong with him. The fault lies with you, expecting him to be at home every night and not being able or not wanting to adapt yourself to the present conditions.



Is it not wise to get used to the existing situation and live more comfortably? Would you not rather welcome him with a smiling face and persuade him to carry on in his job with a warm "Good-bye" when he leaves home for work? If you act kindly, his interest in his family would increase and he could work harder. He would not isolate himself from you; he would come home as early as possible; he would not have accidents and he would remain healthy in his morals.



If your husband is a night-shift worker, he is missing his night's good sleep in order to meet the expenses of his family. Try to get used to it and do not express your dissatisfaction. If you get bored, then you can do some of the housework, sewing and reading at night. In the morning prepare the breakfast when your husband comes back from work, and then prepare his bed in a quiet place. Keep the children quiet and teach them not to disturb their father when he is resting. You can even sleep less at night and take a rest with your husband during the day. But, do not forget that he has been awake all the night and the sleep during the day to him is the same as the night sleep for you. Women in this situation have to have two programmes, one for themselves and one for their husbands.



If your husband is a driver, a doctor, a worker, or a scientist etc, then you must be proud of him. Your husband is not an idle loafer or engaged in an irreligious occupation. So appreciate him and show your gratitude.



Do not expect him or ask him to leave his job, but try to adapt to his existing one. If he is reading or researching on a particular field, then do not disturb him. You can do the housework, read a book or, with his permission, go and visit your friends or relatives. But when he is resting, try to be at home. Prepare his food and other requirements. Receive your husband with a smiling face and good manners. By showing your kindness and by pleasing him you can make him forget his tiredness. If you are a good wife, then not only you can expedite his promotion, but also you are contributing to his services towards society.



Not all women deserve such hardworking men. So by being well-mannered and sacrificing, prove that you are worthy of him.



If your husband's job requires him to wear special clothes which become dirty, then wash them frequently. Do not grumble and do not tell him bad because of his job. Do not ask him to change his job. It is not easy to change jobs. What is wrong with being a mechanic. In any case, this is not an important matter and families should not be broken because of it. ​

If You Have to Live Away From Your Hometown

One may have to live away from one's hometown. Your husband may be working for the private or the public sector and sent on duty to another city or town also. Some people live in this way either temporarily or permanently. Men are forced to cope with this situation but some women prefer to be near their parents and relatives. These women are accustomed to the streets, walls, and the environment of their place of birth. After moving away they blame their husbands and complain: "Why should I live away from my home? How long am I going to be away from my home and my parents? I have no one in this place. What is this place you have brought me? I cannot stay here; so think of a way out!"




These women should not upset their husbands in this way. They are so feeble-minded that they think their birth places are the best locations to live. They think that they cannot enjoy life anywhere else. Mankind is not satisfied even with its own planet, so it has stepped onto other planets. But one looks and finds a woman who is so improvident that she is not prepared to live a few miles away from her hometown. She thinks to herself: "Why should I leave all my friends and relatives to get to a strange place? 'It is as if this lady is not self-confident enough to be able to find new friends in another place away from her home.




Dear madam! be wise and sacrificing. Do not be selfish. Now that your husband's job has taken you away from your hometown, do not cause him any distress. If he is a civil servant, he has orders to travel on duty and if he has a private business, then surely it is to his advantage to live in another location. If your husband informs you that he has to live in another place, then you should agree at once. You should then help pack up and move to new places where you must try to feel at home. Plan your life in this new home and adapt yourself to it. Since you are new in the area and probably not familiar with the characteristics of the inhabitants, be cautious with them. After a while, with the help and supervision of your husband, try to make friends from among the chaste and trustworthy women.




Every place has its own merits. You can relax by sightseeing and visiting ancient buildings. You must keep the family together and encourage your husband in his work. After a while you get used to your new home and you might even like it more than your previous one. You might find that your new friends are better than your old ones.




If the new place lacks the luxury of your previous town, then get used to the new life and find its merits. If you are no longer enjoying such privileges as electricity, then your environment may have a better climate and you may be able to get fresher and better quality food. If there are not any proper roads, then you will not be inhaling toxic exhaust fumes and you will be away from all the noise of people and cars.




Think a little about your country men and women who are living happily in mud and brick houses and would not give any heed to the luxuries of city life and their beautiful castle-like houses. Think of their needs and deprivations. If you can help them, then do not hesitate and encourage your husband to be helpful to them. If you are wise and perform your duty, then you can live comfortably in the new place. You can be helpful towards your husband's progress. This way you would be known as a respected and devoted wife. You will be loved by your husband and would earn popularity amongst the people. Moreover God will be satisfied with you​

If Your Husband Works at Home

Those women whose husbands work outside have freedom at home. But some men work at home, like poets, writers, painters, or scientists who need to read a great deal. The wives of such men have less freedom at home and, therefore their lives are different. The above-mentioned jobs require concentration, talent, and intellect. Therefore, there will be a need for privacy and silence. One hour of work in peace is equivalent to a few hours of work in a busy and noisy surrounding. The problem is clear. On the one hand, the man needs a quiet place to work in and on the other hand, the wife want to move around the house freely.



If a woman plans the affairs of such a house in such a way that her husband can get on with his job, surely she has accomplished a valuable task. Such an achievement is certainly not easy, especially when there are children around. But nevertheless the problem must be solved, because the progress of the husband in his job would be based on this.



If a woman cooperates with her husband, she can turn him into a respected man who can be a credit to her and the society.



A woman, whose husband works at home, should not expect him to baby sit, to open the door to callers, to go to the kitchen, to help with the housework, to shout at the children...; but she should imagine that he is not in the house while he is working.



Dear madam! when your husband wants to go to his study room, prepare his pen, paper, cigarettes, ash-tray, matches, books, and other items he requires.



Once you have prepared the room and his requirements, leave him. Do not talk loudly and do not allow the children to make a noise. Teach your children not to play noisily while their father is working. Do not talk to him about daily matters. Answer the door and the telephone when it rings. If anybody wants to see him or talk to him, tell them he is busy . Entertain your guests during his break times. Tell your friends and relatives to visit you when your husband is not busy. Your true friends would not be upset by your demand. While you are doing your housework, provide him with his needs. Do not interrupt him.



Perhaps some women think this way of life is impossible. They might say: "Is it possible for a woman to do the difficult housework, and at the same time, take care of her husband and not to let anything interrupt him?"



It is true that this way of life is unusual and seems difficult, but if the women in question ponder over the importance of their husbands' jobs, they can decide to overcome the problem through good planning, devotion, and wisdom. The exceptionality of some women becomes apparent in these situations. Otherwise, running an ordinary family life is not an extraordinary task.



Dear lady! writing a book, a good scientific article or a useful essay, writing an excellent poem, creating a precious painting, or solving scientific problems are not easy tasks. But, with your devotion and co-operation it becomes possible. Are you not prepared to sacrifice your desires and with a slight alteration in your life, help your husband in his job? Through your help, he would become prestigious and you would share his social status. ​

Help Your Husband to Make Progress

Human beings are by nature potentially able to make progress. The love for attaining perfection exists in all of us; and we have been created for achieving perfection. Everyone, in any job at any age and in any condition is able to progress and mature. One should never be content with mere existence, and should not forget the purpose of creation. One must try to acquire perfection in one's own lifetime.



Even though everyone is pursuing for progress, not all are successful. Making progress needs high aspirations and a great deal of hard work. One must prepare the ground and remove the obstacles after which one must take the necessary steps in the path of progress. The personality of a man is largely dependent on his wife's desires. A woman can be helpful in her husband's progress as much as she could be detrimental to it.



Dear lady! while considering the possibilities, consider a higher status for your husband and encourage him to achieve it. If he is interested in continuing his studies or if he wants to increase his knowledge through reading and research, then do not stop him. Encourage him to achieve his desires. Plan your life in a way that is not a hindrance in his progress. Try to assist him to make progress through creating a relaxed and comfortable atmosphere at home. If he is illiterate, encourage him and humbly ask him to start his studies at night classes. If he is educated, encourage him to increase his knowledge by further reading. If he is a medical doctor, make him read the medical journals and other related articles. If he is a teacher , engineer or a judge, then ask him to read the books and articles which are related to his specialization. You should remember whatever position your husband holds, there is an opportunity for him to make progress.



Do not let him deviate from the path which has been paved by the order to creation. Encourage him to read books. Do not let his personality cease to grow.



If he is short of time to buy or obtain books, then with his or a friend's supervision obtain the books of his interest. Give the books to him and encourage him to read them. You should read books and useful magazines too. If through reading, you come across an article which is useful for your husband, then inform him of it. This act has several benefits:



(a) Through the repetition of this act, your husband will become a learned person who would be a credit to you and himself. Moreover, he would become a brilliant specialist whose services would be beneficial to him as well as his society.



(b) Since, through his studies and research, he has conformed with the laws of creation, he would be less prone to mental and nervous disorders.



(c) Since he is on the path to progress and shows interest in reading, then he becomes more attached to you and the children; he would not be drawn towards corrupt activities and would not fall into the trap of fatal addictions.​

Be Careful That He is Not Misled

Men should have freedom in their business and associations in order to be able to work and progress in a way suitable to them. If men are restricted in their activities, then they will not be comfortable. A wise woman would not interfere with the affairs of her husband. She should not monitor his movements; because she should know that by denying him the freedom he needs and by trying to control his activities, he may react severely.



Wise and experienced men do not need to be controlled. Such men always act wisely; they cannot be deceived; they know both their friends and their foes. However, there are men who are simple; they can easily be deceived and would easily be influenced by others.



There are people who are impostors and are lying in wait for simple men. The impostor, though pretending to be a good-doer, traps the man and draws him towards corruption. The corrupt society and the unyielding nature of humans does not help the situation. The simple man may not realize his situation for a while, but one day he wakes up and finds himself deep in a trap from which there is not any escape.



If you look around yourself, you see tens of such unfortunate people. Perhaps none of them intended to fall in the trap or become corrupt, but through their own simplicity, ignorance, and unthoughtfulness , they are now preyed upon by the corrupt in society.



On this account, the simple men need to be taken care of. By monitoring their activities, the wise and well-wishing people would be doing them a great service.



The best people for this task, however, are the wives of these men. A wise and clever wife is able, through a benevolent and wise attitude, to achieve the greatest of the tasks regarding her husband. Such women, however, should remember not to directly interfere with the affairs of their husband, or to tell them the "do's" and the "don'ts". The reason for this is because men mostly do not like to be treated as tool in the hands of others; otherwise they may react sharply. But a wise woman would monitor her husband's activities and watch his associates indirectly without his knowledge.



It also happens that some men, some times, come back home later than usual. If this is the case and the number of the late arrivals to home are within an acceptable limit, then there is no need to worry, because men are sometimes engaged in certain unexpected events which they try to pursue after their work. However, if the number of late arrivals exceeds the accepted limit, then his wife should make an effort to investigate. But investigation is not easy; it requires patience and wisdom; one must avoid anger or protest. The wife should first of all talk to him softly and kindly. She should ask him why he came home later than the day before and where he had been. She should pursue the matter wisely and patiently at different times and on different occasions. If she finds out that he comes back home late because of his work or attends scientific, religious, and moral meetings, then she should leave him alone. If she feels that he has found a new friend, she should find out who he is. If his new friend is a well-mannered person with a clean record, then she should not worry. It is even recommended that she encourages him in his new friendship, because a good friend is a great blessing.



If you feel that your husband is going astray or that he associated with corrupt and unworthy people, then you should stop him immediately. A woman in this situation has a great responsibility. The slightest mishandling of the situation, through carelessness. may shatter their family life. This is a situation where the wisdom and cleverness of some women can become useful and apparent. One should remember that rows or arguments are not the solution and they may result in the exact opposite. A woman, who experiences this event, has two tasks to achieve:



(a) First she should assess the situation at home; and should examine herself and her attitude. She must find out the reason for her husband's behavior. She should fairly judge why he has grown cold towards his family and gone astray. She may find that her own attitude had been the cause; or perhaps she had been the cause; or perhaps she had been indifferent to his desires for food, her looks or the affairs of the house. Such matters draw men away from home. They may then pursue outside deviant activities in order to forget their problems.



The wife can ask her husband about his problems and try to help solve them. If a woman corrected herself and changed the house according to his desires, then she could be hopeful that her husband could be drawn back to his family and that he would avoid corrupt places.



(b) Secondly ,she should show him as much kindness as possible. She should advise him and remind him of the grim consequences of his deeds. She should even cry and beg him to give up his bad companions. She must say to him:

"I love you from the bottom of my heart. I am proud of you. I prefer you to all things and I am ready to devote myself to you. But I am saddened by one thing; why should a man, like you, have these kinds of friends; or attend that kind of a party? Such deeds are not suitable for you. Please give them up"



The wife must continue this attitude until she conquers the heart of her husband.



It is possible that the husband is used to unworthy habits and that he would not be influenced easily, but the wife should not become disappointed. She should pursue her goal with greater strength and patience.



Women have great power and influence over men. She is able to do whatever she wills if she puts her mind to it. If a woman decides to save her husband from the filth of corruption, she can do it. There is an eighty per cent chance of success, provided she acts wisely. Anyway, she must not use violence or a harsh attitude, unless she sees that there is not any result from being kind and gentle to him. Even then she must quarrel, leave home or use any other way in as kind a way as possible and not revengefully​

 

[Dalia]

Suspicious Women

It is not wrong if a woman is watchful of her husband, but only if it does not exceed to a state of suspicion and mistrust. Suspicion is a destructive and incurable illness. Unfortunately some women are affected by this disease. ​

A woman of suspicion imagines that her husband is, lawfully or unlawfully, disloyal to her. She imagines that he is married to another woman or that he is going to marry her. She suspects him of having an affair with his secretary or another woman. She loses trust in him because he comes home late or he was seen talking to a woman. If he helps a widow and her children, the wife may think that he has an interest in her, other than a charitable one. If any woman gives her husband a compliment, saying that he is handsome or well-mannered, she concludes that he is interested in that woman. Upon finding a strand of hair in his car, she thinks there is another woman in his life.



Such women with these thoughts and inconclusive proof gradually assume certainty regarding their husbands' unfaithfulness.



They think about it every day and night. They also tell others, friends and foes about it, who, in the name of sympathy, reinforce the allegations and in turn tell the concerned women about other unfaithful men.



Arguments and rows start to take shape. The woman begins to ignore the affairs of the house and the children and might even go to her parents. She would monitor him and search his pockets. She would read his letters and would explain any trivial matter as due to his unfaithfulness.



With this attitude, she would make the family's life hard and turn the house into a burning hell in which she would also suffer. If her husband brought proof of his innocence, or swore that he had not been committing any thing wrong, or cried, she would not be satisfied

A dentist complained to the court and said: 'My wife is exceedingly jealous. I am a dentist and there are women patients who come to my office for treatment. This has aroused my wife's jealousy and everyday we argue about it. She believes that I should not accept women patients. But I cannot lose my regular patients. I love my wife and she loves me, but this improper expectation of hers is ruining our lives. A few days ago she came to my dental surgery and forced me to leave. We went home and quarreled. She said to me: 'I went to your surgery and sat beside a young girl in the waiting room. We talked about you and she, without knowing that I was your wife, said: 'The dentist is a handsome and well- mannered man' . "The dentist went on saying: 'On account of a girl's opinion, my wife dragged me out of the surgery in a degrading manner'."[56]



"A woman, complaining to the court, said: 'One of my friends told me that my husband goes to a stranger woman's house. I followed him one day and realized that it was true. Now I am asking the court to punish him'. The husband, while acknowledging what his wife was saying, told the court: 'One day I went to a pharmacy to buy some medicine. I saw a woman in the pharmacy who was buying powdered milk. She did not have enough money to pay for the milk, so I offered to help. Later, I found out that she was a widow who was poor. So I decided to continue my help'." The judges, after investigating the matter, realized the truth of his claims and

reconciled the couple."[57]



Such events happen in many families. The family atmosphere changes into an environment of pessimism, suspicion, and enmity. The children would suffer and the mental effects are grave.



If a couple continues to live in this situation, then they would both suffer, and if they show stubbornness towards each other, they would surely lead to a divorce. In the case of a divorce taking place, both man and wife would be losers, because on the one hand the man would not be able to find another wife who is any better than the previous one. On the other hand, the children would suffer and would not be able to enjoy a healthy life. The children might even confront new problems due to a step-father or step-mother.



The man may think that by divorcing his wife, he can marry a 'perfect' woman, with whom he can live in peace. But this is nothing more than a dream and the realization of it is very remote. By divorcing his wife, he may encounter new problems with the new one.



Divorce is also not a path to comfort and happiness for the woman. Although she might feel satisfied that she has had her revenge, remarrying would not be easy for her. She may have to live alone for the rest of her life and would probably not even enjoy the presence of her children. Even if she gets married again, it is not certain that her new husband would comply with her expectations. She may even have to bring up the children of a man whose wife is dead. Therefore, neither divorce nor arguments and rows can save the couple. But there is a way to salvation.



The best attitude is that both man and wife give up arguing and try to be logical. Men have a greater responsibility in this matter, and in fact the key to the solution is in their hands. Men can, through patience and forgiveness, save themselves from trouble and also help eliminate the element of suspicion in their wives.



Now a few words to the men:

Firstly, dear sir! you should remember that your wife, even though suspicious of you, loves you. She is interested in your children and the family home. She is afraid of separation. She would definitely suffer from your deplorable life situation. If she did not love you, she would not have been jealous. So she does not like the present situation, but what can she do if she is ill? Some patients have rheumatism and some have cancer. Your wife suffers from a mental disorder and if you do not believe it, then take her to a psychiatrist. You should treat her sympathetically and compassionately. You should not be angry with her or have arguments. No one could quarrel with an ill person. Do not react harshly to her impoliteness or allegations. Do not end up fighting with her. Do not go to any courts. Do not ignore her. Do not talk about divorce and separation. None of these acts can cure her illness, in fact it might become worse. Your unkindness would serve as a source of her suspicion.



You must be as kind to her as possible. You might resent your wife deeply because of her attitude, but there is not any other way. You must treat her in a manner so that she becomes certain of your innocence.



Secondly, you should try to create an understanding between yourselves. Do not hide any thing from her. Let her read your letters even before you do. Leave the keys to your private desk, drawers or safe within her reach. Let her look into your bags and pockets. Allow her to monitor you. You should not express displeasure with any of the above- mentioned points, but regard them as normal procedures in a healthy and friendly family life.



After work, if you do not have any other business, return home as soon as possible. If an urgent matter arises that you should attend to, then inform your wife and tell her where you are going and at what time she should expect you back home. Then try to be on time. If you are late in coming home, then immediately tell your wife the reason. Be careful not to lie, otherwise she will become suspicious. Consult her in your affairs. Do not hide anything from her. Talk to her about your day. Keep her trust in you. Ask her to question you on any vague subject which may be bothering her.



Thirdly, you may be innocent of the subject of her suspicion, but the suspicions of women are mostly not baseless either. Perhaps, through carelessness you have done something which has affected her mentally and made her suspicious of you. You should ponder over your previous acts carefully. You might then find the cause of her suspicion. In this way you can solve the problem better. For instance, if you joke a lot with other women, try not to do it any more. What is the point of being called handsome or well-mannered at the expense of your wife's suspicion and her distrust towards you? Why should you trigger her suspicion by joking with your secretary or a woman colleague? Why should you employ a woman to work for you? Do not joke with other women in parties. If you want to help a poor widow, why should you not inform your wife? You can even help the widow through your wife. Do not think that you are a slave, or a person in chains. You should not be a slave, but a wise man who, upon an agreement with your wife, is taking care of her. You should help her overcome this problem. Through patience and wisdom, you should remove the dangers which are threatening the foundation of your sacred family life. You would then cure your wife's illness as well as save your children from unhappiness. You would do a great deal of service to yourself both mentally and materialistically. Moreover, God rewards men who are willing to sacrifice at vital moments such as this.

Now the women are reminded of few points:



First:



Dear madam! the subject of your husband's unfaithfulness, like every other subject, needs proof. As long as his guilt is not proved you do not have any right to convict him. Neither law nor one's conscience allows one to accuse someone on the account of probability of a crime having taken place. Would you not be hurt if someone accused you of something without any proof? Is it possible to consider your foolish and baseless theories as proof of an important crime such as adultery?

Dear madam! do not be foolish and do not jump to conclusions. When you have time, sit down and write down all the proof and grounds regarding your husband's unfaithfulness. Then in front of each point, write down the other aspects to the problem and the probability of their occurrence. Next, place yourself as a fair judge and think deeply about the written points. If they do not convince you that he is guilty, then you can either forget the matter or make further investigations.



For instance, the presence of a strand of hair in your husband's car may be easily explained by one of the following:

(a) It may belong to one your husband's relatives such as his sister, mother, aunt, or their children.



(b) It may be one of your own.



(c) He might have given a lift to his friend or relative accompanying his wife and the strand of hair might be hers.



(d) He might have given a lift to a helpless woman.



(e) Perhaps one of his enemies has dropped the strand of hair in his car deliberately in order to make you suspicious of him.



(f) One of his women colleagues might have been given a lift in his car.



(g) There is also a probability that he had been out with his beloved. But this case is far more remote than the previous ones and therefore should not be taken very seriously. At least one should not regard it as firm evidence of guilt while forgetting about the other possibilities.



If your husband comes back home late, he might have been doing extra work; or might have been at his friend's house; or might have attended a seminar or a religious meeting; or he might even have walked back home.



If a woman thinks of him as a handsome man, it is not his fault. Being well-behaved is not a proof of being guilty! Would you prefer him to be a bad-tempered man from whom everyone would be repulsed?



If your husband attends to the needs of a widow and her children, regard him as a charitable person who is doing this for the sake of God.



If your husband has a private desk or a safe; and if he does not let you read his letters, do not think of him as having a mistress. Men generally have a sense of secrecy and modesty. They do not like others to be informed of their affairs, perhaps they possess secret materials which are related to their work. Perhaps he does not regard you as a person who could keep a secret. Any way, a possibility is just that, and it should not be considered as a firm proof.



Second:

Whenever you suspect anything, you should discuss it with your husband in such a manner as to find the truth of the matter out and not in a way of protest. Be frank with him and ask him to explain the subject of your suspicion in order to clear your mind and set it at peace. Then listen to him carefully. Think about his explanation. If you are satisfied with it then the matter is over. But if you are still suspicious, then investigate the matter yourself until the truth is revealed. If, while investigating, you come across a point that your husband had lied about, then do not regard it as a proof of his guilt. This is because despite his innocence, he might have deliberately not been telling the whole truth lest you become more suspicious. Again it is better to go to him and ask why he did not tell the whole truth. Of course, it is not good for one to lie, but if your husband made this mistake, then you should not, in turn, act foolishly. Ask him firmly to tell you the truth. His inability in explaining the subject of your suspicion is not indicative of his guilt. It is possible that he may really forget something or he may be in a panic. At this point, do not pursue the matter further and leave it for a more appropriate occasion. If he says to you that he has forgotten something, accept it. However, if you are still in doubt, investigate through other channels.

Third:

Do not voice your suspicion with anyone you see, since they may be your foes. Enemies always endorse your claims and might even add a few lies to it in order to shatter your life. They may not be foes, but a bunch of foolish, simple, and inexperienced people who reinforce your claims sympathetically. They may be you r close relatives or close friends. Consultation is only useful with wise, clever, and genuine sympathizers. If you need to consult someone, then find the right people and discuss it with them.

Fourth:

If the proof of your husband's guilt is not a firm proof towards your husband's guilt, if your friends and relatives think that the evidence is not enough, if your husband regards himself as not guilty, and finally if you are still suspicious of him, then you can be sure that you are ill. You are suffering from a mental disorder in which the element of suspicion has grown beyond your control. It is vital for you to turn to a psychiatrist who could treat you accordingly.

Fifth:

Therefore, it is not wise for you to argue with you r husband or make complaints to the court. Do not talk about divorce and do not degrade him. Such an attitude will only lead to more anger and rows which may result in divorce. Be careful not to act foolishly, or decide to commit suicide. By killing yourself not only would you lose this life, but you would also be tormented in the next world. Is it not sad to lose your life for the sake of a baseless thought? Is it not better to solve your problems through patience and wisdom?

Sixth:

If you are still suspicious of your husband or you reach the conclusion that he is certainly having an affair, then again you are to be blamed, because you have not tried enough to win his heart. You have placed a gap in his life in which other woman can find a place. But do not despair; there is still time. Review your attitude and act in a manner that would attract your husband towards you.

Be Clean and Beautiful at Home Also

It is customary with most women that whenever they go to a party or a gathering, they wear their best dresses and adorn themselves with the best. However, upon returning home, they take their dresses off and put on an old and shabby dress. These women are not particular about cleanliness at home and do not beautify themselves. They walk around the house with disheveled hair, stained clothes, and torn socks. In fact, the situation must almost be reverse, that is, a woman should adorn herself at home and charm her husband in order to conquer his heart and in order not to leave any gap for other women to fill. Why should she look beautiful for others? Is it proper for a woman to expose her beauty before the eyes of other men and to create problems for the youth​

Dear madam! winning the heart of a man, especially for a long time, is not easy. Do not think: "He loves me. I don't need to look beautiful for him or try to win his heart or entice him." You must always maintain his love towards yourself. Be sure that your husband would enjoy having a tidy beautiful, and clean wife, even though he may not express it. If you do not satisfy his inner desires and do not dress attractively at home, he may see beautiful and attractive women out of the house. He may then become disheartened in you and might deviate from the right path. When he sees attractive women, he compares you with them. If you are an untidy, careless, and disheveled woman, he would think that other women are angels who have descended from the heavens. So try to look attractive at home and be sure that he will not lose interest in you.

Read the following letter written by a husband:

One cannot distinguish my wife from my servant in the house. I swear by God that I sometimes think: I wish she would wear one of these dresses made for parties, at home. I wish she would throwaway those torn and worn out clothes. I have told her a few times: 'darling! at least wear those nice dresses at home on holidays.' She told me sourly: 'I don't need to be particular when I am at home; but if one day I look untidy in the presence of my colleagues, then it would be embarrassing for me'."



The reader might believe that while house keeping and cooking, a woman cannot dress up or look beautiful. This may be true but a housewife can have different clothes for doing the housework; and she can change her working clothes to proper ones while she is in the presence of her husband or for when he returns home. You can always comb your hair and keep yourself clean after the housework

Keep the Secrets

Women usually like to know about their husbands' secrets, their earnings, their decisions about the future, and their work. They expect men not to hide anything from them. ​

On the contrary men are not willing to tell their wives everything. As a result, some husbands and wives constantly argue over this matter .




Some women say that their husbands do not trust them; do not let them read their letters; do not tell them the amount of their earnings; are not straight with them; do not answer their questions properly; and sometimes lie.




Incidentally, men do not mind telling their secrets to their wives. But they believe that their wives do not keep secrets; that they relate to others everything they know, and might even cause trouble for their husbands.




If one intends to find out the secrets of others, it suffices for one to call on their wives. Some wives, by knowing their husbands' secrets, blackmail them, and thus misuse their husbands' trust in them.




Obviously men, up to a certain extent, have a point. Women, in comparison with men, are more under the influence of their emotions. When women become angry, it would be difficult for them to control themselves, and by knowing their husbands' secrets, they could put their men in trouble.




Therefore, if a woman is interested in knowing her husband's secrets, she must be very careful not to speak of them anywhere without his permission. She must not even tell her best friends or relatives. It is not keeping a secret if you tell someone about it, and ask him not to repeat it to anybody, otherwise everyone will find out about it.




Therefore a wise person is one who does not tell his secret to anyone.

Accept His Management

Every institution, factory, and organization needs a responsible manager. In any sociological unit and organization, cooperation between the staff is important. However, running the affairs of such a unit needs a manager who can coordinate the duties. ​

One of the very important social units is the 'family'. Running the affairs of this unit is very vital and difficult.



Undoubtedly, there must be a deep understanding, and cooperation among the members of a family, but there must also be a manager who can act responsibly with regard to the family matters. Needless to say, if a family does not enjoy a person who can organize others it would suffer from disorder and chaos. Thus, either the husband must act as the director and the wife follows, or vice versa.



However, since the logical aspect of men is dominant over their emotional aspect, they can be better managers

Thus it is in the interest of the members of a family to regard the man as their guardian and the one in charge, and to seek his supervision in their deeds.

However, one should not conclude that the status of a woman in the house is belittled, but it is a fact that maintaining the order and discipline in the house requires the management of the husband. Women who can think without being biased, would confirm this act.

It is true that the everyday preoccupations of life do not allow man to participate in all the family affairs and that in practice the wife runs the house according to her desires, but nevertheless, the right of directorship remains with the man, and as such he should be respected.

Therefore, should a man express his opinion about any point in the household matters or suggest any thing, the wife should not oppose him or deny him his right of directorship in any way. Otherwise, the man would regard himself as powerless and look upon his wife as an impolite and ungrateful woman. He might hold a grudge against her and, at a later stage, even resist his wife's lawful wishes.

Dear madam! accept the authority of your husband. Seek his supervision in your household affairs. Do not violate his orders. Do not resist or oppose his participation in the household and family matters. Do not reject his participation even in those matters that you have more expertise. Do not practically make him powerless. Let him participate in your work occasionally. Teach your children to respect his authority, and ask them to get permission from their father in their affairs. Your children must learn not to violate his orders from an early age. This way your children will be brought up as obedient to their parents.

Be Resourceful when Times are Hard

Life is full of ups and downs. The wheels of fortune do not always rotate according to our desires. One goes through many difficult times. Everyone becomes ill. Many lose their jobs, and some may lose all their wealth. Many unpleasant incidents happen in the lives of everyone. ​

A man and a woman, who have sworn allegiance to each others and signed a covenant of marriage, should walk along the path of life hand in hand. The covenant should be so firm that it could hold them together in sickness and in health, in richer and poorer, and in good as well as bad times.




Dear madam! if your husband becomes poor, must you add to his problems by having disagreeable behaviour. If he becomes ill, and bed-ridden, either at home or in the hospital, it is fair for you to increase your kindness towards him. You must nurse him, attend to his needs, and spend money for him. If you have money of your own you must pay for his treatment. Remember if you were ill, he would have paid for your health. Must you withhold your wealth in preference to your husband's health? If you fail to satisfy him at sensitive times like this, then he will be disappointed with you, and may even prefer to divorce you.




Here is a case to read about:




"A person came to the court to divorce his wife. He said: 'I became ill a few days ago and my doctor told me that had to have an operation. I asked my wife to lend me the money that she had saved. She disagreed and left my house. As a result, I had my operation in a state hospital. Now that I have my health back I am not prepared to live with a woman who prefers her money to her husband. How can one call this woman a 'wife'?"

Every conscientious person would acknowledge that, in the above-mentioned case, it was the man who was right. Such a woman who is not prepared to spend her money for the treatment of her husband, does not deserve the respected position of 'wifehood'.




Dear madam! be careful not to act mercilessly at a time when your husband suffers from a permanent illness; must you leave him and your children? How can you desert a man with whom you have had many joyful days and nights? How do you know that a similar fate is not awaiting you? How can you be sure that another man will be any better? Do not be stubborn and selfish. Be sacrificial and devote yourself or the sake of God as well as your honour and children. Be patient and teach your children a lesson of devotion, love, and patience. You can be sure that, in this world and the next, you will be rewarded handsomely. Your devotion is the best way of showing your care for your husband which is placed at the same level as Jihad.

Do not Refuse to Talk and do not Sulk

It is customary with some women that, when upset with their husbands, they sulk, refuse to talk, do not attend to household work, do not eat, hit the children, or grumble. They believe that, not speaking, or quarrelling are the best possible ways of revenging their husbands. This attitude, not only fails to punish the man, but may result in his retaliation. Life then becomes difficult turning into a series of quarrels. The woman moans, then the man does. The woman refuses to talk and the man retaliates. The woman does something else, and the man does the same until they become tired and, through the mediation of relatives or friends, reconcile. But this is not the only time they had a row. There will be other occasions and there will be a few more days of bitterness. ​

Therefore, spending a lifetime of family rows will not be pleasant for either the parents or the children. Most of the runaway youth come from these kinds of families who then turn to crime and corruption.

Dear madam! you should remember that if your husband reacts harshly towards you for not speaking with him, then he might even resort to severe measures such as hitting you. You would probably leave you r house to go to your parents' as the result of his harsh reaction. Next your parents would interfere and the row s between your husband and you would widen. You might end up getting a divorce in which case you would lose more than your husband. You might have to live on your own for the rest of your life. You will certainly regret a divorce.

Dear madam! you should seriously avoid sulking and not talking to your husband. If you are upset with him, be patient. Once you are calm and collected, talk .to him gently about your annoyance with him. You can tell him, for instance, "You insulted me yesterday, or you rejected my demand... Is it fair that you should treat me in this way?"



Such an approach, not only relaxes you within, but also would admonish him. He would then try to make up for his wrongdoing, and would respect you for you r good manners. As a result, he would review his behaviour, and would try to discipline himself.

Men's Hobbies

Some men like to have certain hobbies at home. They are interested in, say, collecting stamps or books, gardening or photography in their spare time at home. ​

Such hobbies are classified as the best and healthiest pastime activities. They are very useful in that they attract men towards their homes as well as causing their relaxation. One can become depressed and frustrated from being idle. It is a fact that one of the ways of treating people with mental disorders is to keep them busy with certain jobs. Those of us who work more than others are generally less affected by mental disorders, and are less attracted towards dangerous occupation.



Therefore, woman should respect the healthy hobbies of their husbands and should not regard their pastime activities as foolish, cheap, and useless. Women must encourage their men in these activities and cooperate with them if necessary

Housekeeping

A house, although a little place, is a precious blessing. It is a shelter for the man who takes refuge in it after the work. It is a place for seeking comfort in even after being on a holiday, one finds rest in one's home. No where is like home and nowhere can one find peace as one would in one's home. It is a place of friendship, love, sincerity, comfort, rest, and a place where men and women of good virtue are educated and trained. It is a workshop to train mankind and a place to educate and bring up children. It is a little society from which greater societies are formed. ​

It is responsible for the advancement as well as the decline of the larger society. The small family environment. although a part of a greater society, enjoys an internal independence, and that is why correcting a nation must start by improving the family. The responsibilities of education, training, and running of this sensitive social base lies with the women. Therefore women, through their deeds and behavior towards their family, can determine the deterioration or progress of a nation. Thus, the job of a housewife is sensitive, respectable and revered.




Those who underestimate the family unit and are ashamed with this job, are in fact ignorant of its values.




A housewife should be proud of her position. She is holding a position of honour and sacrifice for the good of society.




The educated women have a greater responsibility in this job, and thus should be models to others. They should practically prove that being educated does not contradict the position of being a housewife, but that it also helps in being a better housewife.




The educated woman should manage the family life in the best possible manner. She should be proud of housekeeping and should prove that an educated housewife is much better than an uneducated one.




It is not proper for her to abandon housework on the pretext of being educated. Education is not meant to shirk one's responsibilities, but it should help one perform his responsibilities better.

Cleanliness

One of the important duties of a housewife is maintaining cleanliness in the house. Cleanliness is the key to hygiene and health. It prevents many illnesses and attracts the family members to the house. It is a source of respect for the family​

Always keep your house clean and tidy. Dust it off once a day and remove all stains and dirt from the walls, doors, windows, furniture, and other items. Keep the garbage in a covered dustbin, keep it away from the other rooms, and kitchen. Empty the dustbin regularly. Do not keep the garbage in front of your house. Do not let your children urinate in the garden or the yard, and if they did, wash the place immediately. Dirt is a center for dangerous microbes. Do not pile up dirty dishes. Wash them as soon as possible. Do not forget that deadly germs grow on dirt and can become fatal to you and your family. Wash the dishes with clean water, and afterwards keep them in a clean place. Remove all dirty clothes, especially babies' nappies, from the vicinity of all rooms and kitchen and wash them as soon as possible.




Keep all the family clothes, especially the underwears, clean and tidy. Wash the meat, vegetables and all your food ingredients before cooking. Wash all fruits before eating them because some fruits are sprayed with poisonous substances.




Wash your hands before eating and teach your children to do the same. After food, one should wash one's hands and mouth. If possible one should brush one's teeth after every meal. Brushing one's teeth is essential, at least, once a day, preferably before sleeping at night.




Cut your nails once a week. Long nails are not hygienic, because germs can live under long nails.




Take a bath, at least, once a week, or if possible every other day.




One must remove all hair from under one's armpit as well as other places by shaving or other means. Hidden hair on the body is a suitable place for the growing germs. Do not leave food exposed to flies, because flies are carriers of many dangerous microbes.

 

[Dalia]

A Tidy House

A tidy house is preferred to an untidy one in many ways.



Firstly, the tidiness helps the house look clean, attractive and beautiful, An arranged house, does not bore one, but would be a source of joy and happiness.



Secondly, the job of house-keeping would be easier in a well-ordered house, and the housewife, by knowing the exact location of the household contents, would not waste time to look for them. As a result the woman would not become tired with her job.



Thirdly, it attracts the man to his house and his wife. A well-ordered house is representative of the woman 's quality.



Fourthly, a tidy house is a source of pride for the whole family. Whoever visits it, appreciates it, and admire the woman's talent and good taste.



Having many luxurious items would not beautify a house, but the manner in which the household contents are arranged, would make it attractive. You must have seen wealthy people whose house, despite containing many luxurious items, is boring, and there are poor people whose houses, because of being orderly, are enjoyable to look at.



Therefore, arranging a house is one of the duties of housewives. Talented ladies with good taste know how to put their houses in order, but mentioning a few points here may prove useful.



Classifying your dishes: Do not pile them all on top of each other. Leave all the cutlery in one place and place the dishes somewhere else. Put all the dishes for guests separate from the dishes you use everyday. Do the same for every thing else. Every thing must be put in its proper place so that all the family members are able to find them, even in the dark.



Some ladies may believe that such a program suits the rich and the wealthy .But this is not correct, even poor people should arrange their belongings, including their dishes, beds, and clothes. For instance, the wife should keep her own clothes separate from her husband's and her children's. The winter clothes must be separate from summer ones. Dirty clothes must have their own place. The ornaments must be put in their proper locations. Teach your children to be tidy with their clothes, books, toys, etc. You can be certain that by being tidy, your children would learn and would follow you.



Untidy women blame their children for the house being in a state of mess, whereas it is the children who learn from their parents. If the parents are tidy, then the children would learn and children, by nature, are willing to be disciplined.



Keep all your money, important papers, documents, jewelry and certificates in a safe or a place out of the reach of children. It is not correct to punish a child for touching, destroying or losing any of the precious items that you have left within their reach. The parents are the guilty ones and they should know better. ​

Preparing Food

Another very important responsibility of a housewife is preparing food for her family. A good housewife is also a good cook who can prepare delicious food with little money, while a bad housewife cooks bad food with expensive ingredients. Delicious food is a means of attracting her husband towards her. A man whose wife cooks well, does not particularly enjoy eating out.

But just a few points to remember:



The purpose of eating is not to fill one's stomach but that it also supplies the body with all the nourishment it needs to continue its function. The necessary nourishment for the body is contained in meat, fruits, vegetables and cereals and can be classified into six groups:

(a) Water,

(b) Minerals, such as calcium, phosphorus, iron, copper, etc,

(c) Starchy substances (carbohydrates),

(d) Fats,

(e) Proteins, and

(f) Vitamins like, A, B, C, D, K.



The majority of one's weight is water. Water dissolves the solid food in order to prepare it for absorption by the intestines. Water also regulates the body's temperature.

The minerals are necessary for the growth of bones, teeth, and the regulation of muscle functions.



Carbohydrates create energy and heat.



Protein helps in the replacing of old or dead cells causing the growth of the body.



Vitamins are also important for the growth, strengthening the bones, regulating the chemical reactions in the body, and are vital in maintaining a healthy nervous system.



Each of the above substances is vital for the body. Malnutrition causes many illnesses and can be fatal. The quality of the food is important and has a proportional relationship with one's life span, happiness or sadness, beauty or ugliness and healthy nerves or mental disorders.



We are what we eat. If one monitors his food and cares for his eating habits, he would become ill less frequently. It is not wise to eat just delicious food without pondering over its quality. Once one's health is impaired as a result of bad food, one would have to seek medical treatment by a doctor, but unfortunately the human body would never be restored to its original health.

Since the choice of food is with the women, therefore, they are very much responsible for the family health. The smallest carelessness on her part, would expose the health of all the family members to many illnesses.



Therefore a housewife, besides being a good cook, should be able to identify the quality of the food.



Firstly: She should make a food which has all the nourishment necessary for a human body to function properly.

Secondly: The dietary needs of people are not the same. Age, size of the body and other possible factors determine the level of our nutritional requirements. For instance, a child, who is growing, need more calcium in comparison with a middle-aged person. The youth need more energy providing food because they have more activities.



One's job is also a factor in determining the type of food one should eat. For instance, a worker needs more fatty, sugary, and starchy food, because he is very active. . The weather is another factor. Our nutritional requirements differ from each other in the seasons of summer, and winter. Also an ill person would eat differently from a healthy one. A good cook should remember all these points.



Thirdly: It is a fact that when one reaches the age of forty and over, he is likely to get fat. Perhaps some people regard obesity as the sign of health, but they are mistaken. Obesity is an illness which could have very bad effects on the heart, blood pressure, kidneys, gall-bladder, liver, and may cause angina and diabetes.



Statistics coming from medical sources and insurance companies suggest firstly that thin people live longer than fat ones.



Beyond the age of forty, one becomes less active and thus needs less fat, sugar, and starch. The calories are not turned into energy as much as before and therefore contribute towards the fattening of the body. It is therefore better to reduce your consumption of these substances.



A woman who cares for her husband's health should put him on a special diet to stop him from getting fat. He should eat less sweets, fat, and cream, but more eggs, liver, poultry, red meat, fish and cheese. Dairy products are also useful. If permitted by the doctor, the overweight person should consume plenty of fruit, and vegetables.



If you are fed up with your husband, if you prefer to be a widow, or if you want to murder your husband without the risks of being prosecuted by the police -then you will not have to do much. Just put plenty of delicious and fattening foods before him. Encourage him to eat as much bread, rice and cakes as possible. Consequently you will get rid of him and not only will you become a widow but he would also thank you for feeding him with all these delicious foods.



You may suggest that such a program is possible for the wealthy people who can afford to buy any type of food they wish. You may think it impossible for those who are not so well off.



But one should not forget that all the nutritional values are hidden in the simple and natural foods. A woman who has learned about cooking would tell you that one could get all the nutritional requirements for the body from simple foodstuff such as fruits, cereals. vegetables. and dairy products. One can cook a meal with these ingredients which is both hygienic, healthy, and cheap. ​

 

[Dalia]

Do not Waste your Spare Time

The housework comprises of a great deal of work. If a housewife intends to carry out her job perfectly, she would not have enough time to do anything else. This is especially true if she has to take care of a few children as well. But most housewives do find some spare time.




Everyone spends his spare time in one way or another. Some women waste their time. They might just walk in the streets or find another woman to talk to. Most of the time their few hours of talking are not worth a penny. They would listen to repeated words which only prove to be time wasting and nerve breaking. Such idle chatting always results in one's moral degradation. The women who go through life in this way, are surely losers in this world and the next. How surprising it is that if anyone should lose some money, he would become very upset, but people do not give a thought about losing their precious moments of life.




A wise person would make the most out of his precious hours of life. What valuable achievements one can have!




Idleness is very harmful and is a cause of many mental disorders and anxieties. An idle person keeps thinking and finds ways of feeling sad. He would experience many types of worries after which his mind would become confused. A happy person is one who is busy doing something. An unlucky person is one who has excess idle time enough to think of the ups and downs of his life. Being busy is enjoyable, and idleness is a source of depression.




Is it not a pity that one should waste his precious life or spend some of its moments without getting anything in return?




Dear madam! you can make the most out of your spare minutes or hours. You can do scientific tasks. You can buy the related books and with the help of your husband, increase your knowledge. Any course is possible; physics, chemistry, The bible, philosophy, history, geography, literature, psychology, etc. You would enjoy it and perhaps you could one day contribute to your society through your knowledge. You can write articles or even books after which your name will remain. You can earn money too.




Do not think that this is too ambitious for a housewife. Do not imagine that all the great women of history have been sitting idle. They, too, were housewives but the ones who did not waste their spare time. ​

Motherhood (Caring for Children)

One of the important duties of women is caring for their children. This is not an easy task but one which is very sensitive and vital. It is the most sacred and most valuable responsibility which has been bestowed upon women by the order of creation. There are a few points which are briefly mentioned here with regard to this matter:




(1) Fruit of Marriage




Although a man and a woman get married for a few reasons such as sexual motive, love, etc, having a child is not one of the main reasons for marriage.




But it is not long before the true motive of natural creation becomes apparent itself and the love for having a child grows in their hearts. The existence of a child is the fruit of the marital tree and a natural desire of men and women. A marriage without a child is like a fruitless tree. A child would strengthen the bonds of love between a couple. It serves as a drive to the man's working life and encourages the parents to care for their family.

2) Educating a Child

The most sensitive responsibility of a mother is her duty to educate and train her children. Although both the parents should share this responsibility, it weighs more heavily on the shoulders of mothers.




This is because a mother is able to constantly protect and monitor her child. If mothers, through a correct program try to bring up their children, then a whole nation and even the world would undergo revolutionary changes.




Thus the progress or deterioration of a society is in the hands of women.

Small children of today are the men and women of tomorrow. Whatever lessons they learn now, they will practice in future societies. If families improve, the society will progress, because societies are no more than a collection of families. Tomorrow's world will suffer with today's bad- tempered, stubborn, ignorant, cowardly, materialistic, nasty, careless, selfish and cruel children.




On the contrary, tomorrow's world will benefit from today's children who are honest, well mannered, generous, brave, just, trustworthy, etc.




Therefore, parents in general and mothers in particular are responsible towards their societies. They can serve their society by bringing up pious children.

Of course not all mothers are aware of the necessary skills of training a child and that is why they should set about learning them.




It is not within the scope of this book to present you with a detailed discussion on caring for one's child. Fortunately, there are many books, which have been written on this subject by learned writers and scholars. Women can buy these books and with the help of their own experience, they can educate their children and even become specialists in the field of child-rearing. She can then become helpful to other mothers for their duties regarding their children.

we must create such an atmosphere and living environment that the child would naturally become an honest and pious person. If a child grows up in an environment of honesty, truthfulness, bravery, discipline, cleanliness, kindness, love, freedom, justice, patience, trustworthiness, faithfulness, and sacrifice, then he learns all of that. On the other hand, a child who grows up in a place of corruption, deception, anger, hate, hypocrisy, filth, and disloyalty, would inevitably be affected by them. Such a child may learn many stories about good and pious people, but to no avail. Dishonest parents cannot, by teaching The bible, bring up honest children. Dirty mother and father actually teach their child to be dirty. A child pays more attention to his parent's deeds and not so much to their words.




Therefore, those of us who are seriously thinking of bringing up honest and good children, should correct their own behaviour first. This is the only way to educate a child to be useful to himself and his society. ​

 

[Dalia]

Nutrition and Hygiene

Another important duty of a housewife is feeding her child(ren). Health or illness, beauty or ugliness, even good or bad temperedness, and cleverness of children are all related to the way they are fed.



Children have a different feeding pattern as compared with that of adults. They have different requirements at different ages and therefore mothers have to take this point into consideration when feeding their children.



"The best and the most nourishing food is milk. Milk contains all that is required for a healthy body. Thus for a baby there is nothing more suitable than the mother's milk. Since milk contains ingredients which are suitable for the baby's digestive system, therefore, there are not any problems in feeding a baby with mother's milk. Besides one does not need to boil it, pasteurize it, or sterilize it. One also need not to worry about its genuineness.

Thus, mothers who feed their babies with their own milk must remember that all the necessary nutrition for their babies are contained within that milk.



But a nutritive milk is only possible if the mother is fed well, that is, the quality of her milk is related to the quality and quantity of her own food. The better her food, the better her milk would be. Mothers who feed their babies with their own milk can, through carelessness about their food, damage their own health as well as of their babies.



The fathers of small babies are also responsible to supply their wives with sufficient good quality food. Malnutrition is a serious problem for many people and one should not overlook it or else she must be prepared to pay for the treatment of illnesses caused by it.



You can obtain enough information on this subject from your doctor or related books. But as a general rule a nursing mother should consume all types of food from meat, fruit, dairy products. to vegetables.

You must feed your baby at definite intervals. Your child gets used to this regularity and helps him in being patient. It also helps him with regard to a healthy digestive system and stomach. On the other hand, if you feed the baby whenever he cries, then he will not learn to be disciplined. If he gets what he wants through crying, then he will pick up this attitude and use it even when he becomes an adult. He will not have the necessary patience when confronting hardships. He will either use force to achieve his own wishes or he will break down under difficulties.



Do not think that to discipline a child is an impossible task. You must just be patient and have a suitable program for training him according to your standards. The child nutritive experts say that a baby must be fed with milk once every three to four hours.



Hold your child in your arms while feeding. By embracing the child feels your love and it would even affect his/her future personality. Do not feed the baby while lying down, because it has been seen that some mothers have fallen asleep while feeding their babies and as a result some babies have suffocated because their mother's breasts prevented them breathing.



If you do not have any milk yourself, you can use cow's milk. But since cow's milk is much denser than mother's milk, you must add some water to it. You can also use pasteurized milk, which you should boil for twenty minutes or until it becomes safe for babies' consumption.



Do not feed the baby with hot or cold milk, but at the same temperature as the mother's milk.



After every feeding, you should boil the bottle and its nipple, and extra car must be taken during the hot seasons. Be careful not to use leftover or sour milk. It is better to measure the amount of milk for every feeding in order to make sure that your child is not getting too much or too little. In using powdered milk, you should consult a pediatrician. You must always use fresh powdered milk.



After the fourth month of the baby's birth you can start to feed him with fruit juice. From the age of six months, you can also start to feed him with solid foods and soups. You can feed him biscuits or sweet bread. Yogurt and cheese are also useful. You can gradually feed him with slight amounts of your own food.



Remember that your baby feels thirsty just as often as you do. Therefore, feed him with water as well, but do not try to make him drink tea or coffee. Fruits, vegetables, and soups are especially useful for growing infants.



Do not forget to be hygienic with regard to your baby's bedding, clothing, and nappies. Wash his face and hands often. Bathe him regularly, because infants are very susceptible towards dirt and germs and become ill easily.



You must vaccinate your children against such diseases as smallpox, chickenpox, whooping cough, infantile paralysis, scarlet fever, measles, and diphtheria. Vaccines are fortunately readily available in medical and health centers.



You can have healthy children by observing these codes of hygiene and cleanliness. ​

 

[Dalia]

THE DUTIES OF MEN: The Guardian of the Family

Man and woman are the two basic pillars of a family, but since men are endowed with special qualities by the order of creation, and because their power of logic is stronger than women's, they are regarded as the guardians of their families.

Therefore, men have a greater and more difficult responsibility in supporting their families.



It is the man who can, through his wisdom, support his family and prepare the grounds for their happiness and it is he who can turn the house into a paradise and his wife to act as an angel.



A man, who is supporting his family, should know that a woman is also a human being like a man. She also has desires and the rights of freedom and life. Marrying a woman is not hiring a servant, but it is a selection of a partner and a friend who would be able to live with for the rest of one's life. Man has to care for her and her desires. Man is not the owner of his wife and in fact a woman has certain rights upon her husband. ​

Taking Care of your Wife

The secret to a family's prosperity is the way in which one takes care of one's wife, and this is, like the duty of a woman towards her husband which is regarded to be at the same level as Jihad, is also regarded as a man's best and most valuable act. But a married man must learn how to treat his wife in a way that she turns into an angel-like character.



For this, a man must find out about his wife's behaviour and her desires. He must program his life according to her wishes and righteous requests. He can, through his own manners and attitude, influence her in a way that interests her in both him and his house.



This is a subject which needs more explanation and detailed discussion will be presented later in this book. ​

Be Loving towards Her

A woman is a center of kindness and a being who is Completely emotional. Her existence depends on compassion and affection. She longs to be loved by others and the more the better. She sacrifices herself a great deal in order to seek popularity. This character is so strong in her that if she realizes nobody loves her, then she regards herself as a failure. She becomes disappointed in herself and feels dejected. Therefore, certainly one can claim that the secret of a successful man in a happy marital life is his expression of love towards his wife.



Dear Sir! your wife before marrying you, was enjoying her parents' love and kindness. Now that she has entered into marriage agreement with you and now that she has chosen to live with you for the rest of her life, she expects you to fulfill her desires for love and affection. She expects you to show more love to her than she received from her parents and friends. She has trusted you extremely and that is why she has entrusted you with her existence.



The secret to a happy marriage is the expression of your affection to your wife.



If you want to conquer her heart, if you want to make her obedient with regard to your demands, if you want to strengthen your marriage, make her love you and remain faithful to you, or..., then you must always show your affection to her and express your love.



If you deprive your wife of kindness, then she would lose interest in her house, children and, above all, in you. Your house would always be in a messy condition. She would not be prepared to make efforts for a person who does not love her .



A house in which there is no affection, resembles a burning hell, even though it may be very tidy and full of luxurious goods.



Your wife may become ill or have a nervous breakdown. She may seek popularity with others if she is not satisfied with you. She may grow so cold towards you and the house that she may even seek for a divorce.



You are responsible for all this because you have failed to keep her content. It is certainly true that some divorce procedures take place as a result of unkindliness.



Your attention is drawn to the following statistics. The psychological requirement of affection, the carelessness of husbands with regard to their wives' wishes and the overlooking of the importance of the mental status of women, have been responsible for many divorce cases.

Love and affection must of course be genuine to appeal to another's heart, but even so loving for someone is not enough, as it is vital to express one's affection. By showing your feelings through your words and actions, the love you have shown will be returned to you and your hearts will strengthen their bonds of love.



Be frank and do not be discrete in expressing your love towards your wife. In her absence or presence, you should make compliments for her. Write to her while traveling and inform her that you miss her. Occasionally buy something for her. Phone her when you are at work and ask how she is.​

Respect Your Wife

A woman is proud of herself just the same as a man would be. She likes to be respected by others. She would get hurt if she were to be insulted or belittled. She feels good when respected and would hate those who try to degrade her .




Dear Sir! your wife surely expects you to respect her more than others. She has every right to expect her life partner and best friend to care for her.




She works for you and your children's comfort and thus expects you to value her efforts and to respect her. Honouring her would not belittle you but it would indeed go to prove your love and affection towards her. Therefore, respect her more than others and talk to her politely. Do not interrupt her or shout at her. Call her by respectful and virtuous names. Show your respect when she wants to sit down. When you enter the house, if she forgets to say 'Salam' (greetings), then you should say 'Salam' to her.




Say 'Good-bye' when leaving your house. Do not lose contact with her when travelling or away from home. Write to her.




Show your respect for her when in gatherings. Seriously avoid all insults and humiliation. Do not abuse or even jokingly tease her. Do not think that because you are close to her she would not mind you making fun of her. On the contrary she will dislike such an attitude but may not express it.

All women expect their husbands to respect them and all of them hate insults If some women keep silent before their husbands' humiliations, it is not the proof of their satisfaction.




If you respect your wife, she will do the same to you and thus your relationship will grow stronger. You would also earn more respect from others. If you maltreat her and she retaliates, it is again your fault and not hers.




Dear Sir! marrying is not equal to getting a slave. You cannot treat a free person as a slave. Your wife has married you in order to live with you and to share her life with a man whom she loves. She expects the same things from you as you do from her. Therefore treat her in a manner in which you would like to be treated. ​

 

[Granny]

Dalia ....This is a wonderful recipe of advice for all of us married folk.
I would be interested in your suggestions for my problem.
(Post...Granny in need of help)

Hugs,
Granny.

 

[Dalia]

Be Well-mannered

The world takes its path according to a regular pattern. Events happen and show themselves one after another. Our small existence in this vast universe is like a small particle which moves and impinges on other particles at every instant of time. The running of this world is not in our hands and the events of this world do not occur according to our will. From the moment that one sets foot outside his house in the morning until the time he returns home in the evening, one may be confronted with hundreds of unpleasant circumstances.




One comes across a great many difficulties in the arena of life. You might be insulted by someone, have an unfriendly colleague, have to wait for the bus too long, have been accused of something at work, have lost some money, have been robbed, or have come across anyone of a number of similar events that could happen to anybody anywhere.




You might be so frustrated with the usual everyday events of your life that you resemble a time bomb which could explode any time.




Well you may think that you cannot blame other people or the world for your mishaps, so when you come home, you try to vent your anger out on your wife and children. You enter your house and it is as if 'Izrail (the angel of death) has arrived. The children disperse like little mice in front of you. God forbid that you should find something to pick up fault. with! The food may be salty or saltless, your cup of tea may not be ready, the house may be untidy, or the children make a noise. and it gives you a good excuse to blow your top in your own house.




You then become furious and shout at every body, abuse them, hit the children, and so on. You will have then turned a house of affection and friendship into a burning hell in which you and the rest of your family would have to suffer.




If the children are able to run away from home into the streets, they would do so, and if they cannot do that, then they count the seconds until you leave the house.




It is patently obvious what an apathetic and horrific atmosphere is dominant in families of this kind. There are always rows and arguments. Their house is always in a mess. The wife hates to see her husband's face.




How can a woman live happily with a grim and bad- tempered man?

Worse than all is the fate of children who are to grow up in such an environment. The parents' quarrels would certainly leave a scar on their sensitive souls and hearts. Children who experience this kind of hardship, tend to become furious, aggressive, depressed, and pessimistic type of people in their adulthood. They become disheartened in their family and go astray. They might fall into the traps of corrupt people and turn to crimes of different kinds. They might even become so complexed and mentally disturbed that they might even endanger other lives and commit murder or even suicide.




The reader is recommended to conduct research into the backgrounds of criminals. Statistics and the daily news of criminal events all reflect this fact.




Responsibilities of all these lie with the guardian of the family who has not been able to control his temper and who has mistreated his family. Such a person can never find peace in this world and would be punished in the next.




Dear Sir! we are not in a position and cannot control the affairs of this world. Mishaps, hardships, and sorrowful events are all inseparable parts of this life. Everybody experiences difficulties at different times. As a matter of fact, one can reach maturity through hardship. One must confront them with strength and must try to find solutions to them.




Human beings have the ability to meet with hundreds of small and large difficulties and not to give in under the strain of misfortune.




Worldly events are not the only reason for our being upset, but rather it is our nervous system which becomes affected by such events and causes us to experience discomfort. Therefore, if one could control himself when faced with the unhappy events of life, one would not become annoyed or angry.




Suppose that you have experienced an unpleasant event. This event is either an inseparable part of daily events with which we cannot interfere or that we cannot help. Or it might be an event in which we can thrust our own decision.




It is obvious that in the former case, our annoyance would not help in anyway. We would be wrong to become angry or bad-tempered. We must remember that we were not responsible for its occurrence and even try to welcome it with a smiling face. But if our bad experience is of the latter type, then we can seek a suitable solution for it.




If we do not lose heart when faced with hardships and try to control ourselves, we can, through prudence, overcome our difficulties. In this way we would not resort to anger which may itself add to our problems. Therefore, a wise person is the one who is not affected by hardships.




We have the ability to overcome all difficulties through patience and wisdom. Is it not a pity that We lose control over matters resulting from inevitable events of life?




Moreover, why should you blame your wife and children for your misfortunes?




Your wife is performing her share of duty. She has to take care of the house and the children. She has to do the washing, cooking, ironing, cleaning, etc. You should encourage her in the way you treat her.




Your children are also doing their own work. They too wait for their father to make themselves happy. Teach them the right things and encourage them in their studies.




Is it fair that you confront your family with a grim and angry face?




They expect you to fulfill their righteous desires. They expect kindness from you and want you to talk to them gently and behave pleasantly.




They would hate you for ignoring their feelings and for turning the house into a dark place in which there is not a glimpse of happiness.

Do you know how much they could suffer from your unpleasant and harsh manners?

Even if you do not take your family very seriously, at least have mercy upon yourself. You can be sure that you would damage your own health by being. bad-tempered.




How can you continue to work and how can you achieve anything successfully? Why should you turn your house into a hell?




Is it not better for you to always be happy and confront your problems with prudence and not anger?




Would you not prefer to believe that anger would not solve your problems, but rather it would add to them. Would you not agree that, while being at home, you should rest and regain your strength in order to find a suitable solution to your problem with a clear mind? You should meet your family with a smile on your face. You should joke with them in a nice manner and try to create a happy atmosphere at home. You should eat and drink with them and take rest. In this way you and your family would enjoy life and you would overcome your problems easily.




That is why the holy religion of Christianity regards good behaviour as a part of religion and a sign of the utmost level of faith.​

Complaining Unnecessarily

The problems of life are many. There is not anyone who is completely happy with his situation. But some people are more patient with their hardships than others, they try to record them in their memories and do not mention them except when there is reason or revealing them.



On the other hand, there are people who are so weak that they cannot keep any problem to themselves.



They are so used to making complaints that upon meeting others, they start complaining. Wherever they, go and whenever they are in a gathering, they moan about the everyday events which have effected their lives it is as if they haven sent on a mission by Satan himself, to spoil the happiness of others. That is why most friends and relatives do not want to be bothered with these and try to keep away from them as much as possible.



But one must feel sorry for their wives and children who have to cope with them. Because no one else, is prepared to listen to their moaning, these men vent their problems before their families.



They sometimes complain about their expenses, the taxis, their friends, and sometimes they moan about their colleagues, their businesses, diseases, doctors, and so on.



These men are very pessimistic and ,do not see any good in this world. They suffer themselves as well as make and especially their families, suffer too.



Dear Sir! what is the point of making complaints all the time? What do you achieve by moaning? Why should your family suffer if you are angry with the taxi driver? Why do you blame your wife if your business is not brisk?



Do not forget that your attitude would repel your family from you. They will become disappointed in you and disheartened with the house. They might even run away from home and might fall into the trap of corruption and crime. The least is that it leaves a mental scar on them.



Is it not better not to spoil your family's happiness?



When returning home, try to forget your problems. Be happy with your family. Eat with them. Have a laugh and enjoy their company.



Christianity has also regarded patience and refusing to make complaints as good behaviour and has even allocated a reward for it. ​

 

[Dalia]

Picking up Quarrels

Some men are constantly seeking excuses to pick up fault with everything. They moan at every trivial matter: "Why is this table dirty? Why is the lunch not ready? Why is that vase here? Have I not said before that ashtrays should not be on the floor?" etc...



Some men take this attitude so far that it causes rows and quarrels within their family, and sometimes a family break- down as a result of their behaviour.



Of course we are not saying that men do not have the right to tell their wives what to do and what not to do. In the first part of this book, women were recommended to acknowledge this right. There we stated that women should not show stubbornness towards their husbands' suggestions regarding household affairs. However, men should keep their logic and wisdom. They are their families' guardians and as such they should act properly.



If a man wants to successfully participate in the affairs of the house then he should do so in a calculated manner .



As a matter of fact, since a man does not have enough time to participate in all the matters regarding his house and because he lacks the necessary expertise in this connection, then it is to his advantage to leave the housework to his wife. A man should leave his wife at liberty with regard to running the house.



Men can, however, under the pretext of consultation, not forcefully, remind their wives about certain points. Once a wise woman finds out her husband's wishes about any matter, she would try to conform with them. Therefore, a man and a woman who care for each other and their family, can through talking together in a kind manner, reach many agreements on all matters. In this way, most women are prepared to conform with their husbands' occasional demands.



But if his participation takes the form of picking up fault and constant moaning, then the housewife gets used to them and consequently this attitude becomes a usual affair from which nothing useful would result.



A woman with a moaning husband, would not take him seriously. She may even ignore his proper and important points of concern. She would reason for herself "Why should I waste my energy, if my husband is not ever satisfied with my work?"



Not only would she ignore her husband's criticism, but might even take retaliatory measures.



This is when their house turns into a battlefield. Constant criticism of each other would then prepare the ground for separation and thus a family unit breaks down. In this scenario the woman is not to be blamed because even a wise and patient wife would run out of patience as a result of continuously humiliating attitude of her husband

"A man called the police station and claimed that his wife had left his house two months ago and that she was living with her parents. After further enquiries, this man's wife said:

'My husband does not like my style of housekeeping. He constantly criticizes me on my cooking and running the affairs of house. Therefore, I have left him to find peace somewhere else



Men should remember that housework is an area for their wives to perform their duties. It is wrong to deprive them of their rights or to turn them into puppets. It is wiser to leave them to run the house the way they like.



As a result, your wife does her job enthusiastically, you would remain happy and your house would be a home for a happy family. ​

Appease Her and Sympathize with Her

A woman also, similar to a man, undergoes emotional changes. She experiences happiness, anger, sorrow, etc. She becomes tired from housework and may become annoyed with the children. Others may upset her by their criticisms. She might become involved in competing with others. In short, a woman confronts many problems of which some may affect her so much so that she might become desperate to such an extent so as to react unkindly towards trivial matters.



This is especially the case for women, because they are very sensitive and would react more critically towards unpleasant events as compared to men.



Women, who experience hardship, need appeasing. Men must comfort them because they are their partners and the ones who are trusted by their wives.



Dear Sir! when you find your wife in a state of distress and anger, then try to understand her situation. If you enter your house and she does not salute you, you say 'salam' to her. This would not belittle you. Talk to her with a smiling face. Avoid-grimness. Help her in the housework. Be careful not to offend her in any way. Do not tease her. If she is not in a mood to talk, then leave her alone. Do not say: 'What is wrong with you?'



If she feels like talking, listen to her and sympathize with her. Pretend you are more concerned with her problem than herself. Let her reveal her grievances for you. Then like a kind father or a sympathetic husband try to help her find a solution to her problem. Encourage her to be patient. Through wisdom and logic make her regard her problems as trivial. Strengthen her character and assist her in overcoming the cause of her annoyance.



Be patient and treat her according to your logic. She would certainly find your help useful and life will soon get back to normal for both of you.



On the contrary, your wrong approach would cause more distress for her. You would also suffer and it might even turn into a major row from which, both of you would suffer ​

 

[Dalia]

Do not Pick up Faults

There is no one in this world who has all the qualities and free from all the faults. Some people may be too fat or too thin. Their mouth may be too big, have large noses or big teeth. Others may be dirty, impolite, shy, cheeky, depressed, bad-tempered, jealous, lazy or selfish. Some women may not be good cooks or talented hostesses. Some people may eat too much or spend lavishly. In brief, everyone is imperfect and no one in this world can be regarded as a perfect being.



Men usually, before marriage, imagine their ideal woman to be devoid of all faults. They ignore this fact that there is no angel-like figure in our universe. These men, once married, find their ideal wives not to be perfect and thus start to point out their faults. They might even regard their marriages as failures and call themselves 'unlucky'.



These men are always moaning and do not even spare the trivial faults of their wives.



Some men exaggerate the faults so much that they always appear before them like high mountains. They occasionally mention these faults to their wives and humiliate them. They might even mention them before friends and relatives.



As a result, the foundation of their marital life starts trembling. The woman becomes depressed and loses interest in her husband and family. She would think it illogical to work in the house of someone who criticizes her. She might even take retaliatory measures.

Moreover, a man who regards himself as unlucky and his marriage as a failure, and a woman who is constantly being humiliated, are both prone to mental disorders and other illnesses.



If the magnitude of their row becomes larger then there is always the danger of divorce and separation. A divorce is not very helpful to either party especially if there are children in the family.



Society does not have much respect for a divorcee. Moreover, a divorce would inflict economic losses on a man, which are not easily repairable. This is especially true if he wants to re-marry, since he would also have to spend money on his second marriage. Furthermore, it is not at all clear that a divorcee is able to find another woman who would live up to his expectations.



Re-marriage would not be easy for him because of his past record. Even if he finds another woman, she would definitely possess certain faults also. She may even turn out to be worse than his first wife. He would then have to cope with her. This is because some men are too proud to confess their shortcomings. It is rare to find a man who is fully satisfied with his second marriage. It has even been seen that some men return to their first wives.



Dear Sir! why should you look at your wife with a view of finding her faults and why do you place so much importance on her trivial defects? Why do you magnify her deficiencies so much so that it causes suffering for you and your family? Have you ever seen a perfect woman? Are you perfect yourself? What are trivial deficiencies worth that you endanger your marriage for their sake?



Be certain that if you look at your wife with a logical and fair view, you would see many good points about her. You look and see that her merits would outweigh her deficiencies.



Christianity regards this attitude as harmful and distasteful and thus forbids all from finding other people's faults. ​

Do not Pay Attention to Slanderous Talk of the Critics

Some people are in the habit of uttering slander about others. This distasteful behaviour creates enmity among friends and relatives and can break families. It has even been responsible for murder. There are various reasons for such a behaviour, like jealousy, anger, vengeance and hostility.




Some people resort to defamatory words in order to satisfy their own ego, to attract others' attention towards themselves, or to pretend to be sympathetic with someone else. But it is rarely a case that slanderous statements are based on good intentions.




Therefore, a wise and clever man should ignore such statements. He must always analyze the statements of the speaker in order not to be deceived or influenced by his evil insinuations.




One of the points for men to remember is that generally their mothers, sisters and brothers, despite their apparent friendship, do not enjoy a good relationship with their wives.




The reason is that a man, before marriage, spends years with his parents where he does not have much independence. His parents who have worked hard to bring him up, expect him to be helpful to them in their old age.




Even after they marry their son off and apparently give him independence, they expect him to conform to their own will and wishes. They like their son to pay more attention to them than to his wife. But the reality is that when a man starts a marital life, he makes a great deal of effort for his new family, wife, and independence. He directs his love towards his wife and works hard in this connection. The more he steps in this direction, the farther he goes away from his parents.




Thus his mother and sister(s) specifically feel offended. They regard their new bride as a threat who would be taking their young boy away from them. They might even blame their bride for separating their boy from his family.




Mothers may sometimes think that the best way of confronting this danger is by implementing ways of lessening their sons' affection towards their wives. A mother of this kind would then start to point out her daughter-in-law's deficiencies, spread lies about her, speak defamatory words about her, conspire against her, etc.




If a man is simple or naive, he might even be influenced by his mother's defamatory statements. He would then become a tool in the hands of his family after which he would lose interest in his wife. Under his parents' influence, the man would start to moan and pick up faults with his wife. He would criticize her on any possible occasion.




As a result, the family house could turn into a cold and dull place.




Instigations of men by their mothers and sisters could lead to rows and even fights between a man and his wife. A wife in this condition might resort to drastic measures such as committing suicide.

Therefore, criticisms, bad attitudes, and defamatory words of mothers, sisters and brothers-in-law can be very harmful and thus a man must be aware of their nuisance. Of course it is not possible to stop people from talking but it is possible to neutralize their talks.




A man must be aware that criticisms about his wife by his mother, sister, etc are not meant to be sympathetic and out of good intentions, but the main reasons are jealousy, enmity, selfishness, etc.




He must remember that because his wife draws much of his attention towards herself, his family envies her and regards her as a usurper of their young man. Therefore, they resort to ways of preventing their love to grow.




Dear Sirs! in brief, mothers, sisters, and brothers of this kind are not bothered with your happiness, but rather they are concerned with their own interests. If they were concerned with your happiness, they would have done something different.




It is very strange that parents make a great deal of compliments of a woman who wants to marry their son, but once their son marries that woman, the parents turn completely the opposite way.




Dear Sir! do not be deceived. Those deficiencies that your family set forth for your wife are not relevant; and even if they are not trivial, then remember that nobody is perfect.




Anyway, are your sister, mother or others who criticize your wife, themselves perfect beings?




Paying attention to their slanderous statements would only adversely affect your family life. You might even end up with a divorce as a result of which you would suffer mentally and economically.




A re-marriage would not be easy. Even if you find another woman to marry, it is not at all obvious that she is any better than your former wife. How do you make sure that your family would not treat her as badly as they did with your former wife?




So it is better for you to tell your mother, sister and others right now that your wife suits you and that you love her. You must declare to them that they should stop criticizing your wife or else your wife or else you would cut off your relationship with them. Once they feel your firm attitude, they would stop their instigative attitude and you may find peace with your wife.




But unfortunately, some mothers and sisters do not give up easily and resort to malicious accusations such as adultery. The problem becomes so serious that a man might, based on his mother's statements, divorce his wife or even kill her

Therefore, a man should always be aware of such allegations which could have disastrous ends. He should make enquiries about them patiently and not jump to conclusions blindly.




Of course one's parents work hard and suffer a great deal in bringing up their children and thus make them become the centre of all their hopes. They expect him to be a helping hand for them in their old age and their expectations are just that. So it is not fair that when one gains independency, he should forget about his duties towards his parents. He should attend to their rightful wishes even after he is married. He must maintain their respect an be humble before them. He is duty-bound to help them money wise if they ever needed it. He should not cut off his relationship with them and must invite them to his house. He must demand his wife and children to show their respect for them. He must make his wife understand that if she would respect his parents, they would not feel the necessity of annoying her and would even be proud of her and support her .




Finally women are reminded that they have no right to expect their husbands to abandon their parents. This expectation is neither possible nor fair. A wise woman can treat her in-laws in such a way that they would regard her as an important member of their own family. This is only possible if she respects them, seeks advice from them, helps them, etc.




This discussion was presented in detail in the first part to which you can refer to for more information. ​

 

[Dalia]

Overlook Her Mistakes

Other than the Infallible ones (whom God has vowed to keep away from sins), no human being is perfect and all of us make many mistakes. Of course this is true for both men and women. ​

In the case of women, she may make mistakes by being impolite to her husband, do something against his wish, be harsh to him, or inflict an economic loss on him by being careless, etc.



Of course it is true that a couple should keep each other satisfied and should seriously avoid annoying each other; however, it rarely happens that one or both parties do not deviate from this line.



Some men think that they should be strict about their wives' mistakes as they believe this to be the way to prevent the repetition of the same mistake again.



However, experience often shows exactly the reverse to be the case. A woman, whose husband is strict with her, may be able to cope with his strictness for a while, but would eventually decide to react against it as a result of frustration. She gradually gets used to his attitude until she becomes indifferent towards it.



A husband who would not practise forgiveness with regard to his wife's mistakes, is practically encouraging her to become impudent and disobedient. He might wish to continue this attitude where he will surely have many rows with his wife. They both would have to live in a state of bitterness for the rest of their lives.



Or he might choose to leave his wife alone and not concern himself with her as much. In this case his wife, who feels she has won a fight, becomes indifferent to her husband's will and wishes. It might reach a point that even when she commits major mistakes deliberately, he keeps silent. Their marriage then loses its warmth and they might resort to divorce.



Remember that a divorce is harmful to both parties because starting a new life is not so easy. Happiness cannot be guaranteed after divorce. Therefore, strictness is not always useful and often results in undesired events which one can read about in the media. The best way is to remain moderate and to act logically. Forgive all the trivial and non-deliberate mistakes of your wife. There is no need to shout at someone for a mistake which has happened erroneously. Of course, one can always advise others in order to help them not to repeat their mistakes.



People make many mistakes out of ignorance, so it is better to advise them patiently to correct their incorrect deeds or opinions.



Therefore, your wife cannot be forced into correcting her mistakes, but instead you should explain her mistake and its harmful effects logically so that she could choose herself not to repeat that action again. Thus not only your mutual respect remains as before, but it would also prevent the repetition of the same mistakes.



It is wise for a man to logically stop his wife from making mistakes, but if she persistently makes errors, then again he should
Be Grateful

Housework may possibly seem an easy job to some men, but it is only fair to acknowledge it as a hard and tedious job.

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A housewife, even if she works all day and night, would not be able to finish all her work. Cooking, cleaning, washing the clothes and ironing, washing the dishes and arranging them, making the beds, and arranging the furniture and above all taking care of children, not one day, but everyday is very difficult.

​

A man might think that his wife is just cooking food three times a day and forgets about the rest of her work.

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Only a man who is prepared to stay in the house for a month and do the housework, would know the pressures involved. He would then appreciate his wife's efforts.

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A housewife does all this work happily but she expects her husband to appreciate her and to show his gratitude.

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Dear Sir! what is wrong with thanking your wife for her housekeeping? Why should you not express your fondness for the food she cooks? What is wrong with thanking her with regard to her efforts in taking care of your children? Are you not aware that your appreciation for her would encourage and refresh her?

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If you remain indifferent to her efforts, or do not show your gratitude, she would lose interest in the housework and then you would complain about her. You should know that you could be the cause of your wife's indolence.

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If a stranger does you a small favour, you would thank him many times, but upon your wife's many favours you are not even thanking her once! You are not prepared to even make her happy by showing your appreciation for all her efforts.
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Some men regard it as a manly act to ignore their wives' housework. They think if they make compliments to their wives for their work, the women would be spoiled. They might even believe that a man and wife do not need to thank each other.

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This belief is not right, because any good-doer from a psychological point of view, needs appreciation and gratitude. Appreciation encourages one to do good, and this is especially true for a housewife who is doing a tedious job everyday over and over again.

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Thus Christianity regards being thankful as a good quality in one's behaviour. ​

Be Clean at Home Also

Observing cleanliness is necessary for everyone everywhere. One must always keep his body and clothes clean. He must bathe himself at least once a week and must wash his face and hands with soap and water every morning. He must brush his teeth, comb his hair, trim his hair, wash his feet wear clean socks everyday and must also wear pure clothes. The holy religion of Christianity emphasizes greatly about cleanliness and being well-dressed. ​

Cleanliness and beauty is not only for women, but men should, also be clean and well-dressed. Some men are not bothered about their cleanliness and take a bath only once in a while. They do not care for the state of their clothes and do not bother about trimming their beards. They smell badly and thus make others keep away from them. ​

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Those men who are careful about cleanliness and do lay importance on their clothing, mostly do so outside their own houses. That is they look clean and well-dressed outside the house for the people, not inside their homes for their families. They appear very smart in the streets, gatherings, etc but as soon as they return home, they change into worn out clothes. They rarely attend to the state of their hair and faces at home for the sake of their families. ​

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They might not even bother to wash their faces before eating breakfast. Men of this kind make their families not bother to look at them. ​

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Dear Sir! if you cannot tolerate a dirty and shabby dressed wife, and you expect her to look clean and beautiful at home, then be sure that she expects the same from you. She, too, hates the sight of a dirty, smelly and untidy husband. She also likes to see you clean and smart. ​

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If you do not satisfy her expectations with regard to smartness, then she would notice other men who are clean and smart and she might even think they are from another world. She compares you with them and might lose interest in you. Therefore, try to look good at home as well as outside. ​

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Your wife would not notice other men if you were successful in drawing her attention toward yourself. Why should you look good for strangers in the streets but look messy before your wife and children? ​

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Therefore, the holy religion of Christianity orders men to adorn themselves for their wives. ​

Nurse Your Wife

The husband and wife always need each other's cooperation and expression of love. However, this need becomes more intense at times of illness and on other similar occasions. An ill person, just as he needs a doctor and medicine, requires nursing and loving care. A good nurse would be able to help a patient recover better and faster. ​

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A woman also expects her husband to nurse her when she is bed-ridden. She expects him to care for her more than her parents. ​

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A woman who works at home like a maid, deserves such loving care from her husband. She rightly expects her husband to take care of her. ​

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Paying for treatment and medicine is one of the usual expenditures of life and a man is duty-bound to provide her with the necessary money. A woman who is working at home without any wages, certainly has a right to expect her husband to pay for her treatment. ​

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There are men who are shamelessly unfair. They use their wives when they are healthy and able, but refuse to pay money when they are ill. Any little money men spend for their wives' treatment is accompanied by many complaints. Some men, if they feel the cost of treatment is high, might even lose their wives. Is this behaviour really fair? ​

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"A woman was complaining about her husband. She said: 'I was working hard at home and went through many happy and harsh times with my husband. However, now that I have become ill my husband wants to leave me'​

Dear Sir! if you are interested in your happiness and your family's prosperity, you must take your wife to a doctor when she becomes ill. You must pay for her treatment. Moreover, you must nurse her kindly. Now that she has left her parents to live with you, she expects you to be more loving to her than her parents. She is your partner and the mother of your children. Sympathize with her and make her hopeful of a speedy recovery. Cook for her. Prepare suitable food and buy the prescribed items. Feed her. All this will make her happy. ​

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Keep the children quiet. Be watchful of her at night. Whenever she is awake ask how she is. If she cannot sleep because of pain, then stay up with her. You can even ask your children to help you look after their mother. Do not ever leave your wife unattended, especially when she is in pain. ​

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At such times, your wife would notice your love and would in turn love you more. She would be proud of you and would attend to you and the children more, once she is healthy again. ​

Family Economy

To arrange for alimony of wife is wajib (obligatory) for husband. That is a man is duty-bound to pay for the expenses of his wife such as food, clothes, house, doctor, and medicine. He would be wrong not to maintain his wife and could be prosecuted by law.
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One cannot expect a family to live without any expense. They all need food, medicine, clothes, and a place to live in. However, they might ask for unnecessary items in which case one can disobey them and not conform with their various desires.
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A wise man would spend according to his earnings. He must classify the necessary commodities and purchase them in the order of priority whenever he can. He must also save some money for a rainy day. Some money must be put away for the house rent or purchasing a new place. He must not forget the electricity, water, gas, and telephone bills. Taxes have to be paid and school fees must be kept in mind. He must seriously avoid overspending and not pay for unimportant items. A calculated manner of spending would never confront one with bankruptcy or debt. ​

A wise man would avoid borrowing money and would not take a loan for unessential purposes. An economy which is based on loans (with interests), received from banks and other establishments is religiously logically wrong and is not praiseworthy.
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Buying goods on hire-purchase system, although makes your house look good, but takes away your comfort and peace of mind.
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Why should one buy unnecessary goods more expensively and fill the pockets of bankers by installments? What kind of a life is it when every thing is acquired at a hire- purchase price? Is it not better for one to wait and save his money in order to buy goods at cheaper prices?
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It is true that earning money is difficult and it affects one's life a great deal, however, more important is the way in which one spends his money. There are families with good earnings who are always under debts of others. There are also many families with low earnings who live comfortably. The difference between the two is the way they spend their earnings. Therefore, it is advantageous to a family that the man either takes control of expenditures or supervises the one who is responsible for it.
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Finally, it is reminded that meanness is just as bad as overspending. If a man has more earnings he must make his family more comfortable and provide their essential requirements as much as possible.
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Wealth and money are all for spending and providing the necessities of life, and not for piling up and leaving them behind in this world.
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The signs of wealth must be apparent in one's family and house. What is the use of working hard and not spending?
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One must use his wealth with regard to his family and his own comfort. It is hateful to see someone who is able money wise but his children long for good food and clothes. Children of a stingy person would wait for his death to share his wealth.
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If the Almighty God bestows his blessings onto someone, this blessing must be apparent in that person's life​

Return Home Soon

An unmarried man is free to spend his time. but once married, he must alter his program. He cannot stay out for any length of time that he desires He should inform his wife of his whereabouts, etc. He must not forget that his wife stays at home all the day, cleans the house, washes the dishes, and cooks. She waits for him to return home as soon as his work is finished, to see him, talk to him, and to enjoy his company. The children look forward to seeing their father too. It is not fair that a man should leave his family at home and pursue his enjoyment somewhere else.
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Marriage is not only providing food and clothes for one's family. A woman is her husband's partner and not a servant. She is not there to work all the day and get fed in return, but rather she hopes to have a permanent friend and partner.
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Some men are truly unfair, unjust, and foolish. They leave their wives and children at home and spend their nights somewhere else. The money that they should spend at home for the family, they waste at other places. Such men have not yet understood the meaning of love and affection and regard their cheap and filthy enjoyments as a way of good living. They overlook the fact that they would degrade themselves through such deeds. Others would recognize them as silly and impudent.
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These men are the causes of the unhappiness of themselves and their families. Their acts drive their wives to seek a divorce from them. ​

A man who had divorced his wife, said in the court: 'At the beginning of my marriage, I had certain friends that I used to go out with, while leaving my wife behind..., and I used to return home in the early hours of the morning, My wife, who was fed up with this situation, obtained a divorce. We had ten children, whom I was supposed to meet twice a month. Some time passed like this. But it is quite some time now that my children are in hiding and I am desperate to see my children',"http://al-islam.org/marriageandfamily/64.htm#r236#r236
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"A woman said: 'I am frustrated with loneliness. My husband does not care about me at all. Every night for his own enjoyment he is out until the early hours of the morning '
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Dear sir! you are now married. You should not act like a bachelor. You are responsible for your wife and the children. Do not associate with unworthy friends. Return home as soon as you finish your work. Enjoy a family life and be a good company for your wife and the children. Even if your nightly amusements are not wrong they can be nevertheless harmful to you and your married life.​

 

[Dalia]

Be Faithful

Upon a marital covenant, the individual lives of two persons converge into a single social joint life. The holy covenant of marriage means that a man and a woman promise each other to be together for the rest of their lives, to help each other, to be kind and understanding at all times, for richer and poorer, in sickness and in health, happiness and sorrow, etc.




Humanity demands that one should remain faithful to one's promises. A married couple should not forget their treaty at difficult times.




A young girl who chooses one man to live with her for the rest of her life, expects him not to leave her at an age when she is no longer a young woman any more. It is not fair that a man should seek pleasure with anyone other than his wife.




A woman who contributes a great deal in building a strong family with good economical prospects, does not expect her husband to go after another woman.




A woman who works hard at home, naturally hopes that her husband would not deprive her of his love and affection at times of sickness and inability to work. The least she expects of him is not to go after his pleasure alone.




Some men are truly emotionless. When their wives are young and good-looking they enjoy their company, but leave them when they lose their good look.




A man divorced his wife on the basis of her being bad-omen, because since their marriage his father had died and his uncle had become bankrupt."http://al-islam.org/marriageandfamily/65.htm#r238#r238




"A man who had married a young woman out of love, divorced her later on the grounds that he did not love her

Dear sir! you are not an animal whose life is all about eating and lust. You are a human being with emotion, conscience and sacrificial characteristics. Is it really fair that you pursue your enjoyment away from your wife? If yes, then you are an oppressor and as such you would be punished in this very world. If you spend your time with another woman, then for the sake of a few minutes of enjoyment, you may indeed lose your peace of mind and would be affected by nervousness. Besides you would be disgraced before people. Your children would not accept you either and would react by being malicious to you.




If your wife ever becomes ill, take the necessary steps to cure her, and if she has an incurable illness, then stay with her, sacrifice yourself and do not remarry while she is still alive.




Do not disappoint her during the difficult times. What would you expect if you were in her situation? It is only fair that she would expect the same from you.




Is it right that your wife, when you are ill, should seek a divorce? Would she not be disgraced in the eyes of your friends and relatives? So if you agree that faithfulness and sincerity are good, then try to be faithful. ​

 

[lawunmi1]

this is good

wow