The poem "Footprints" is a fairly famous one (if you don't know it I definitely recommend you look it up) and my mother's personal favorite. It's been displayed in our house one way or another pretty much all my life.
I grew up in a fairly secular household. My mother was more or less a Baptist and my father is an agnostic. When I was very young, I asked my dad about God, "Did He make the roads, too?" Dad said, "No, son, he made the mountains but man made the roads." For an agnostic he was okay with keeping things simple with me until I got older (and had a mind to fight my way through my own theological battles).
As I said somewhere else on the board, Sunday school was typically used (after my parents divorced) as free baby sitting. As I got older the desire to keep attending dwindled and I stopped.
As a teenager I fell into doubt (I love science and science at that time was putting me at-odds with my understanding of spirituality) and began to study other religions and philosophical systems (Buddhism and Taoism mainly).
Within these paths I found truths and methods to help center myself spiritually. I learned to meditate and focus my energies and my attention. Of course, this waned too eventually.
At 17 I began to study Judaism seriously and all but officially converted to Judaism. I was Torah-observant (including the Friday Sabbath and Kashrut rules) and began to learn Hebrew (which is a cool language and not too difficult to learn actually!). My Hebrew tutor told me I was a better Jew than her because I wouldn't eat shrimp lol. I really felt close to God and was studying Torah every single day.
My parents found this interesting but supported me. My step-father is a Christian but participated in some Jewish rituals with me. He helped me light the menorah for Channukkah and drank my wine and broke bread with me on Shabbat (Sabbath). The rituals, language, and symbolism were a little alien to me but he found it very interesting and educational. My mother was worried but didn't know what to say when I reminded her that Jesus had been Jewish.
Of course, eventually I became complacent with this and it fell by the wayside. When I no longer felt God I thought it had all been in my head (I look back and realize I simply had become used to feeling His presence). I fell back into nihilism for nearly three years.
During my "Jewish days" I did not drink as much as I had before and did not use drugs. When I re-entered my nihilistic stage I fell harder than I ever had before. Harder drugs and harder drinking. Looking back, it was a horrible time for me -- I was lost and I knew it. I remember sitting at a part one night, cigar in one hand, stomach full of pills and a drink in my right hand thinking, "Wow, this is my life."
It sounds corny but a US Army recruiting commercial changed my life. I cleaned up enough to barely enlist in the US Army (I was more or less clean and was back to regularly attending the gym and bodybuilding) as a military police officer. On my 20th birthday I reported for duty and my life changed forever.
I still had drugs in my system when I arrived for boot camp, which was kind of a mental, physical, and emotional detoxing for me. I began to read the bible again (this was the only reading material I was allowed) and for the first time in years took a look at the New Testament.
One of several books I snuck in (funny, thinking of a book as contraband) was Rick Warren's "The Purpose Driven Life." A couple friends and I wound up doing a lot of talking and debating in matters of the spirit. My friend Chandler's grandmother was kind of a preacher in Louisiana, my friend Bush was Mormon, and my friend Chambers was a down-home backwoods Christian country boy. Of course, I was the ex-Jewish crazy Buddhist guy. We learned a lot and I love them like brothers.
Phone calls were a rare treat. The Army has gone softer but my basic training was like Full Metal Jacket -- for awhile I barely had time to write my mother, with whom I am very close (we've been through a lot that I will not post on this board, but it's been a rough journey for everyone). I prayed to God most every night in basic (sometimes I fell asleep on my knees I was so exhausted) -- one night I asked Him to let me come to my mother in a dream to tell her I was alright but just too busy to call or write. I asked God to let her know I loved her and would talk to her soon.
A week later I got an opportunity to call her and she told me about a dream she had... well guess what -- the dream fit my prayer to a "t." So yeah, I cried and she cried and boom -- there it was in my face. God was real and he straight up answered one of my prayers.
For me that was one of the most profound experiences of my life and in being close to the divine. The second has been meeting my soul mate and the third is the baby growing inside her.
I don't believe in the enemy (Ha-Satan in Hebrew means "the accuser" and was simply an angel who tempted men to sin to prove their unworthiness to God -- eg: story of Job) as an actual embodiment of evil, but I have met evil in my life. I believe evil manifests from a spiritual or mental (or both, because I believe they are linked) sickness. Even before my time as a law enforcement officer I have faced evil. Evil likes to rear its head through pain and psychological trauma.
For many years I did not think I was a good man. When I turned my life around and realized it (actually sat down in prayer and reflected on it), I wept. I didn't feel that I deserved to be blessed or loved, and yet I felt God's presence as love, forgiveness, and acceptance of who I am and who I was before. It was an incredible feeling that actually wrenched me onto the floor.
So here I am trying to get back in touch with God and what His plan is for me. Right now I'm just easing my feet back into the water.
If you've read this far, thanks so much for letting me share my story
I grew up in a fairly secular household. My mother was more or less a Baptist and my father is an agnostic. When I was very young, I asked my dad about God, "Did He make the roads, too?" Dad said, "No, son, he made the mountains but man made the roads." For an agnostic he was okay with keeping things simple with me until I got older (and had a mind to fight my way through my own theological battles).
As I said somewhere else on the board, Sunday school was typically used (after my parents divorced) as free baby sitting. As I got older the desire to keep attending dwindled and I stopped.
As a teenager I fell into doubt (I love science and science at that time was putting me at-odds with my understanding of spirituality) and began to study other religions and philosophical systems (Buddhism and Taoism mainly).
Within these paths I found truths and methods to help center myself spiritually. I learned to meditate and focus my energies and my attention. Of course, this waned too eventually.
At 17 I began to study Judaism seriously and all but officially converted to Judaism. I was Torah-observant (including the Friday Sabbath and Kashrut rules) and began to learn Hebrew (which is a cool language and not too difficult to learn actually!). My Hebrew tutor told me I was a better Jew than her because I wouldn't eat shrimp lol. I really felt close to God and was studying Torah every single day.
My parents found this interesting but supported me. My step-father is a Christian but participated in some Jewish rituals with me. He helped me light the menorah for Channukkah and drank my wine and broke bread with me on Shabbat (Sabbath). The rituals, language, and symbolism were a little alien to me but he found it very interesting and educational. My mother was worried but didn't know what to say when I reminded her that Jesus had been Jewish.
Of course, eventually I became complacent with this and it fell by the wayside. When I no longer felt God I thought it had all been in my head (I look back and realize I simply had become used to feeling His presence). I fell back into nihilism for nearly three years.
During my "Jewish days" I did not drink as much as I had before and did not use drugs. When I re-entered my nihilistic stage I fell harder than I ever had before. Harder drugs and harder drinking. Looking back, it was a horrible time for me -- I was lost and I knew it. I remember sitting at a part one night, cigar in one hand, stomach full of pills and a drink in my right hand thinking, "Wow, this is my life."
It sounds corny but a US Army recruiting commercial changed my life. I cleaned up enough to barely enlist in the US Army (I was more or less clean and was back to regularly attending the gym and bodybuilding) as a military police officer. On my 20th birthday I reported for duty and my life changed forever.
I still had drugs in my system when I arrived for boot camp, which was kind of a mental, physical, and emotional detoxing for me. I began to read the bible again (this was the only reading material I was allowed) and for the first time in years took a look at the New Testament.
One of several books I snuck in (funny, thinking of a book as contraband) was Rick Warren's "The Purpose Driven Life." A couple friends and I wound up doing a lot of talking and debating in matters of the spirit. My friend Chandler's grandmother was kind of a preacher in Louisiana, my friend Bush was Mormon, and my friend Chambers was a down-home backwoods Christian country boy. Of course, I was the ex-Jewish crazy Buddhist guy. We learned a lot and I love them like brothers.
Phone calls were a rare treat. The Army has gone softer but my basic training was like Full Metal Jacket -- for awhile I barely had time to write my mother, with whom I am very close (we've been through a lot that I will not post on this board, but it's been a rough journey for everyone). I prayed to God most every night in basic (sometimes I fell asleep on my knees I was so exhausted) -- one night I asked Him to let me come to my mother in a dream to tell her I was alright but just too busy to call or write. I asked God to let her know I loved her and would talk to her soon.
A week later I got an opportunity to call her and she told me about a dream she had... well guess what -- the dream fit my prayer to a "t." So yeah, I cried and she cried and boom -- there it was in my face. God was real and he straight up answered one of my prayers.
For me that was one of the most profound experiences of my life and in being close to the divine. The second has been meeting my soul mate and the third is the baby growing inside her.
I don't believe in the enemy (Ha-Satan in Hebrew means "the accuser" and was simply an angel who tempted men to sin to prove their unworthiness to God -- eg: story of Job) as an actual embodiment of evil, but I have met evil in my life. I believe evil manifests from a spiritual or mental (or both, because I believe they are linked) sickness. Even before my time as a law enforcement officer I have faced evil. Evil likes to rear its head through pain and psychological trauma.
For many years I did not think I was a good man. When I turned my life around and realized it (actually sat down in prayer and reflected on it), I wept. I didn't feel that I deserved to be blessed or loved, and yet I felt God's presence as love, forgiveness, and acceptance of who I am and who I was before. It was an incredible feeling that actually wrenched me onto the floor.
So here I am trying to get back in touch with God and what His plan is for me. Right now I'm just easing my feet back into the water.
If you've read this far, thanks so much for letting me share my story
