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Journal Entry 1/9/18

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Loyal
Journal 1/9/18, 11:01 p.m. –

Wow! So, Rick (my husband) told me this morning that he gave his heart to the Lord, and that he made him Lord of his life. He acknowledged to me that he had never done that before. And, when I shared things with him this morning, he did not have the same old responses he used to have. He seemed genuinely sorrowful for all the things he had done to me, and for all the many ways in which he had hurt me. But, I didn’t know if this was the real thing or not. And, I am still not 100% positive, but there are very good signs that we are moving in the right direction.

The Lord led me to share with Rick this afternoon what I had written in the book I was writing, so far, about our lives, and he seemed fine with that, too, and genuinely moved to tears concerning all the ways in which he had hurt me, and moved, as well, he said, by my kindness to him, too, in how I wrote our story, so far.

After I posted the devotion the Lord gave me to write today, which ended up being finished before bedtime, Rick reached over to me, and he was being very tender and gentle to me. I responded in like manner to his affection by wanting to be held by him. I had not felt that in a very long time.

We hugged for a long while out in the living room, and then we went back to the bedroom, and we hugged for another hour or two in bed. But, while he was holding me, then the flood gates opened wide and I cried like I had not cried in a very, very long time. I told him to keep holding me, and I grabbed his arms tight to hold them around me. And, then I cried hard and loud. There was so much pain deep inside me that I had not been able to cry out and to release, but as he held me in his arms, it all came out. I prayed that God would take all that pain and that he would fill me with his peace.

When the crying ceased, then the Lord said to me, “Forgetting those things which are behind…” I knew at that moment that he had healed me (released me) of all that pain that was trapped inside me and that had no way out before, because more and more pain just kept being added to it every day, and I had no way to cry it all out, though I tried many times.

So, before we got in bed together, the Lord Jesus had this song playing in my mind:

Jesus, Rescue Me
An Original Work / September 18, 2011

Based off of Romans 7:7-8:39

Jesus, rescue me today.
Listen while I bow and pray.
I need Your help to obey You;
Live for You always.
Meet me in my hour of need, Lord,
As I pray to You.
Help me walk in fellowship, Lord,
Living in Your truth.
Jesus, how I long for You to
Change my heart anew.

Father, God, my heart’s desire
Is to live for You this hour
In Your Holy Spirit’s power
Living in me now.
Teach me to walk in Your love, Lord,
Guiding me each day.
Help me to show love and kindness
To the lost, I pray.
Father, teach me to love others
As You love always.

Holy Spirit come in pow’r.
Revive our hearts in this hour.
Change our hearts to be like You, Lord;
Live for You each day.
Help us to forsake our sins, Lord,
As we humbly pray.
Teach us how to live for You, Lord,
Obey You always.
Holy Spirit come in power,
Revive us today.


The Lord put several songs in my mind while we lay there holding each other in bed. One of them was this one:

My Prayer
An Original Work / May 30, 2011

“Fill me with Your Spirit;
help me to love others;
Let me know Your power;
be an overcomer.
Show me how to follow
Jesus Christ, my Savior;
Be His faithful servant
to obey Him always.

“Lead me with Your presence;
help me know the right way;
Teach me love and kindness,
generous compassion.
Give me grace and courage
to be Jesus’ witness,
Teaching His salvation
to a world who needs Him.”

Won’t you come and follow
Jesus Christ, your Savior?
He died so you’d be
free of control of your sin;
Free to follow His ways
in complete surrender;
Living sacrifices –
let His grace transform you.


All I know at this moment is that the Lord is giving us both a new start. I told my husband that tomorrow would be our one-day anniversary of our new life together. I truly felt that we were one in the Lord together for the first time ever in our 45 years of marriage. And, then the Lord put a few more songs in my head, and I began to sing them aloud, and then my husband joined me, and we sang them together, and I felt united with him in spirit really for the first time in our married lives. We honestly never had this before.

One of the songs was…

God Will Make a Way / Don Moen

God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me

He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way, He will make a way

And, …

Just a Little Talk with Jesus
Cleavant Derricks

Verse 3:
I may have doubts and fears, my eyes be filled with tears
But Jesus is a friend who watches day and and night
I go to Him in prayer, He knows my every care
And just a little talk with Jesus makes it right

We used to sing this last one together with two friends of ours when we were all in college.

Then, after the hugs, the tears, the singing, and the prayer together, which had also not happened in reality probably ever before, because we were never before united in love together, then the Lord got me up to pray and to write this all down in my journal, which I believe he is leading me to share with all of you tonight.

The Lord wants to heal broken hearts and he wants to deliver those in bondage from their sins, if they will just yield to him, and make him truly Lord of their lives. God is a miracle working God. I have been waiting for this miracle forever, but I know that my trust still has to be in God, and not in man, and that no matter what tomorrow holds for both of us, I must still move forward with where God is leading me, no matter what comes my way.
 
Active
Wow isnt that amazing God answered our prayers!

I am crying as I read this praise the Lord! Tears of joy! They say when a sinner repents the angels rejoice.in heaven!

Please keep us posted on how things are and I always thought you would write a book Sue that God would give you a wonderful testimony on how much He loves you and your husband.

It is 3:38 in morning here I knew God woke me up for a reason...I can go back to sleep now, :smile:
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Loyal
Wow isnt that amazing God answered our prayers!

I am crying as I read this praise the Lord! Tears of joy! They say when a sinner repents the angels rejoice.in heaven!

Please keep us posted on how things are and I always thought you would write a book Sue that God would give you a wonderful testimony on how much He loves you and your husband.
Thank you, Lanolin! What you said here touched both of our hearts. You blessed us both today. Yes, I will keep you posted. :smile:
 
Loyal
Journal Entry 1/13/18, 2:10 p.m.

Five days ago my husband professed to me that he had trusted Jesus Christ to be Lord of his life, and that he had given his life over to the Lord.

The following day I was battling fear in my mind and heart. What if this is not the real thing this time? What if this is another false confession? What if I just placed my heart out there once more to be stomped on? Satan was attacking me fiercely. I was battling doubts and fears, and for good reason, mind you. For, I had been down this road before many times. He had made many false confessions before, coupled with insincere tears. So, how could I be sure this one was real?

The thing of it is, I can’t! I am hopeful. I am supportive. I am giving him the benefit of the doubt, but there are no guarantees, which is why I stated in my previous journal entry that I couldn’t be 100% certain, and that I realized that my trust had to be in the Lord, not in man, for man may fail me, but God will never fail me.

So, as I battled these fears, and I was praying them through, the Lord Jesus brought this song to mind:

When I Am Afraid / An Original Work
October 17, 2016 / Based off Psalms 56-57

When I am afraid, Lord, I will trust in You.
Your Word, Lord, I praise. I yield my life to You.
Enemies pursue me, slandering Your Name.
Lord, have mercy. I trust in You. Hear my cry today.

Lord, I love Your Word. It comforts me today,
As I look to you, and bow my head and pray.
You are Christ, my Lord. You saved me from my sin,
That I may walk, Lord before You, purified within.

Steadfast is my heart, O God, I sing of You.
I will praise You, Lord. To You, I will be true.
Oh, how great Your love. Your faithfulness endue.
Be exalted, God of heaven. Glory be to You.


That song kept playing through my mind throughout the day as I kept yielding to the Lord, giving my fears over to him, trusting him with my life, with my marriage and with my husband, and letting the Lord fill me with his peace. And, the peace did come, too, and it has remained steadfast.

The next few days we were both sick with some kind of bug, maybe a type of flu. I was barely functional. I would get up and write and then go back to bed and sleep. My head was in a fog and I just felt really awful all over. So, I prayed that through, as well, and trusted the Lord to help me to write what he wanted me to say, even though I didn’t feel I had much of a functioning brain at all. God is amazing though! Sometimes when I feel the worst he is able to do marvelous things through me, so that he definitely gets all the glory.

I started feeling somewhat better yesterday, and I am still improving today, but I am not fully functional yet, but I am walking by faith and not by sight.

Rick and I have been talking, and so far, so good. There are no obvious signs of a relapse, but there are also not outstanding signs of a genuine conversion at this point yet, at least not to me. I know that my husband has been under the power of Satan the whole time I have known him, and even before that. His lifestyle, throughout his life, is evidence of a life given over to Satan, and to the flesh, and to the rule of sin over his life. So, to me, if he now has given his life to Christ, and has made him Lord of his life, I expected a more dramatic change from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God than what I am seeing presently.

I had a devotion the Lord gave me to write earlier this morning. It was taken from 2 Peter 2. The description of these false teachers in this passage is nearly identical to the man I have known as my husband these past 45 years. There is a passage in Jude, too, that is very similar to this one. The Lord many times over the past 11 years, at least, has shown me my husband in the light of these two passages of scripture. And, from what I am reading of the lives of other women in similar circumstances as me, it describes many of their husbands, as well. And, it is not a pretty picture, especially since we are talking about men, most of whom profess to be Christians, and some of whom are pastors or in full-time Christian ministry.

Between 2011 and 2016 the Lord Jesus gave me 173 songs to write. Many of these songs I knew were messages to my husband. God often spoke to my husband through these songs, and he often realized they were for him, but most often they made him angry, because he knew they were speaking to him. One of those songs, the Lord has put in my mind again this morning. And, this is where many of us are right now, in this battle for truth, only the battle is for the lives of our husbands, that they would tell the truth, for the truth will set them free.

The Battle for Truth / An Original Work
May 18, 2013 / Based off Malachi 1-4

Truth is marching, truth is marching.

I love you. Honor me.
Tell the truth. You’ll be free.
Sing My praise all your days.
I will give all you need.

Truth is marching, truth is marching.

Turn from sin; cleansed within.
Stand in awe of My Name.
Teach what’s true. Walk in peace.
Follow Christ, in His ways.

Truth is marching, truth is marching.

Show to God faithfulness.
Do not be adult’rous.
Do not shed shallow tears.
Do not be insincere.

Truth is marching, truth is marching.

I have sent messengers,
Who have giv’n my address.
They call for repentance,
And they warn of judgment.

Truth is marching, truth is marching.

I, the Lord, do not change,
So return – blessings gain:
Healing comes; joyfulness;
Freedom from your distress.


So, this is where we are, taking this one day at a time. I am trusting the Lord, he has given me his peace, he has taken my pain and suffering, and I am resting in him. I can’t be sure that my husband has truly turned that corner, but I can’t be sure he hasn’t. So, I walk by faith and not by sight, one moment at a time, putting my complete faith and trust in the Lord, and not in man, not assuming anything, but just waiting on the Lord to do in both of our lives what needs to be done for us to be who he wants us to be.
 
Moderator
Staff Member
Alleluia! I was like Sister Lanolin. Tears of joy for you on that Journal day of 1/9/18!

This Song came to mind for all you have gone through and rejoice with you, for you and for Rick as well. Difficult as his road will be. Satan's clutches dig deep wounds in ones spirit. Only the Wounds of our Lord can heal us of those made by the enemy! Thank-fully in Jesus, Rick has found His Salvation! Alleluia! All Praise, Glory, and Honor! Heavenly Father!


With the Love of Christ Jesus Dear Sister Sue!
YBIC
Nick
<><
 
Loyal
Alleluia! I was like Sister Lanolin. Tears of joy for you on that Journal day of 1/9/18!

This Song came to mind for all you have gone through and rejoice with you, for you and for Rick as well. Difficult as his road will be. Satan's clutches dig deep wounds in ones spirit. Only the Wounds of our Lord can heal us of those made by the enemy! Thank-fully in Jesus, Rick has found His Salvation! Alleluia! All Praise, Glory, and Honor! Heavenly Father!


With the Love of Christ Jesus Dear Sister Sue!
YBIC
Nick
<><
Thank you, brother Nick.
 

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