• Hi Guest!

    Please share Talk Jesus community on every platform you have to give conservatives an outlet and safe community to be apart of.

    Support This Community

    Thank You

  • Welcome to Talk Jesus

    A true bible based, Jesus centered online community. Join over 11,000 members today

    Register Log In

Denominational Hermeneutics

A good chuckle! :)

How would the Uniting Church deal with "the cat sat on the mat" if it appeared in the Bible?

The liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also, cat and mat had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

This would lead to an immediate backlash from the Evangelicals. They would make an essential condition of faith that a real physical, living cat,being a domestic pet of the Felix Domesticus species, and having a whiskered head and furry body, four legs and a tail, did physically place its whole body on a floor covering, designed for that purpose, and which is on the floor but not of the floor. The expression "on the floor but not of the floor" would be explained in a leaflet.

Meanwhile, the Catholics would have developed the Festival of the Sedentation of the Blessed Cat. This would teach that the cat was white and majestically reclined on a mat of gold thread before its assumption to the Great Cat Basket of Heaven. This is commemorated by the singing of the Magnificat, lighting three candles, and ringing a bell five times.

This would cause a schism with the Orthodox Church which believes tradition requires Holy Cats Day [as it is colloquially known], to be marked by lighting six candles and ringing the bell four times. This would partly be resolved by the Cuckoo Land Declaration recognising the traditional validity of each.

Eventually, the House of Bishops would issue a statement on the Doctrine of the Feline Sedentation. It would explain, traditionally the text describes a domestic feline quadruped superjacent to an unattached covering on a fundamental surface. For determining its salvific and eschatological significations, we follow the heuristic analytical principles adopted in dealing with the Canine Fenestration Question [How much is that doggie in the window?] and the Affirmative Musaceous Paradox [Yes, we have no bananas]. And so on, for another 210 pages.

The General Synod would then commend this report as helpful resource material for clergy to explain to the man in the pew the difficult doctrine of the cat sat on the mat.

Last edited:


Thats cool and funny . Such things really happen. The Word of God is our only guide and Jesus our Master. We must all follow him ONLY.

makes me think how traditions can spoil the work of the Lord.
gee...I know a few people who could write those 210 pages exorting on the deeper `ology of "the cat sat on the matt" ;)
It could be called straining at a knat, and swallowing a cat! LOL

Oh my!
Scene from a Modern Day Bible Study – Oops

Picture this:

Elder Dim Whitt, “Welcome everybody to the Truth of Truth Ministry’s weekly Bible study. Thanks for being here. I’m stoked. Our passage to study tonight is John 11:35 Jesus wept. Let’s see what we can learn from this passage. Who wants to go first?”

Bob, “Well, my New English Common Vernacular version doesn’t read Jesus wept but that “Jesus groaned.”

Mary, “Interesting, you know the Greek word there for wept is ‘awahuu’ – I got this from Nestle.”

Bill, “Wow, profound!”

Bob, “But my version, The “Newest English Super Common Version” says grunt.”

Jack, “You mean Jesus grunted?!?!”

Harry, “I have a Greek lexicon from the 4th century Syrian that says the word for wept is really, ‘awahooe’ which makes a major difference in the phrasing! Wow, I get so excited when I use the Greek – makes me feel, well, just enlightened like an angel of light!”

Elder Dim Whitt, “I can see this is going to be a very uplifting night. Nothing like some real dynamic equivalent renderings using the aros tense of the subjective superlative!”

Bill, “Harry, where did you learn Greek?”

Harry, “I don’t really know Greek I just read it in Zodiates book, “How to Master Greek in 30 Days.”

Martha, “Well, I have a Greek lexicon from the 14th Century revision of the Lollard #3 and the word wept can also be translated moaned.”

Martha, “You have to understand the trials and tribulations for the times for without this information you can’t enter into the emotional congatative condiveness of the sureality.”

AV, “What am I missing here – we are only talking about two words.”

Harry, “Hush, AV, you’ve got a bad attitude! What about all those poor people before 1611?”

Mike, “Hey, I’ve got the new “New American Slang Version!”

Martha, “What manuscripts is your New American Slang Version based upon?”

Mike, “They found some vellum scrolls in a septic tank over in Italy – some said they were accidentally flushed down a toilet.”

Mary, “That’s ok, they found the Vatican manuscripts in a trash can and look how the god of this world used them!”

AV, “Maybe the flushing wasn’t an accident? I mean what are toilets for anyway?”

Elder Dim Whitt, “Hush, AV you are not exhibiting the sweet spirit of the Christ here. Also, what about all those people in other countries who can’t even speak English?
Now let’s get back to our Bible study. Who has some more nuggets on, Jesus wept?”

Mr. Brilliant, “My new updated ‘Antioch Gratulative Retention Bible’ speaks of the word wept being in the past tense conjegative thus meaning that Jesus was weeping before he ever got there. This really touched my heart.”

Mary, “Oh, I feel my life is now completely changed based upon that nugget – thanks Mr. Brilliant.”

Mr. Brilliant, “By the way my new version is special for the translators of this great work translated it so there are no words with less than 9 letters long so as to bring out the most demonstrative and subjectivelatuative meaning of the words thus enabling me to get all that can be gotten from the most complicated renderings thus making me even more brilliant in the eyes of unenlightened believers.”

Harry, “I still think we need to examine the different 3rd century renditions of the Greek word ‘awahooe’ so we can see how other Greek writers used the word so we can determine the most reliable and effective use of the word for the most authentic rendering of the verse thus pulling from it all the vast riches of this profound word ‘awahooe’.

AV, “But how do you decide who is right?”

Mike, “AV, you are so narrow-minded! How can you read a Bible with Easter in it anyway?”

Nancy, “How do we even know John 11:35 was really in the originals?”

Neal, “I found a scholar who read of a professor who talked with his gardener who knew an archeologists who was able to gaze upon the famous fragment P734075439.479 1/2 from the collection over in Dead Sea Visitor’s Center, oh I mean the ‘Dead Sea Museum of Ancient Artifacts’ and he says it is there.”

Nancy, “Wow, could the archeologists read Greek?”

Neal, “No, but the janitor could and he told him that P734075439.479 1/2 contained the verse as it stands in many of the modern versions.”

Elder Dim Whitt, “Well, that is great – I think we can call this Bible study a great success. Let’s meet next week so we can have some time to digest these great truths. Then we will be prepared to really dig into John 11:35 verse using all the modern tools and resources available.”

Mary, “You are not coming next week are you AV?”

AV, “No, I think I’ll just stay home and watch some Captain Kangaroo reruns, thank you for asking and for being so thoughtful.”