daughter and stepdad

[amanda123]

My young teenage daiughter can be very rude a lot of the time. She is demanding and has liTtle respcet. I try to keep firm boundaries with love and peace.

My hubby her step father hates her. They get into arguments and he calls her names and shouts. He hardly speaks to her even when she is being good.

It breaks my heart. He tells me I'm too soft but I try to keep boundaries.

It is tearing family apart.

She is only a child and shouldn't be called a cow a dog a b**** by my hubby.

Whjat can I do

 

[Brad Huber]

Well disciple is important, and you may fall short in that area where your husband is more than willing to discipline from what you describe, but... calling a child a cow, a dog, and the B word is wrong as well. Has he used physical violence against you or the child and left bruises? Is your husbad a believer? These would be issues that would weigh in toward a solution.

 

[Barabbas]

Like Brad said..if he is a believer he certainly ain't showing it. If he's not, then he ain't acting like an adult at all. Calling a child names is not going to improve the situation, nor cause her to suddenly act differently.

The dynamics of a mixed family can be stressful for all. But doesn't have to be. You didn't say if her natural father is alive, involved in her life..dead...this plays significantly in the scenario.

 

[farout]

There is only one solution that can resolve the issue with your husband and your daughter. But there are some serious things you need to consider. Having done some marriage counseling I tend to look at the questions and actions of people. The best predictor of how a person will be is how he has been in the past. I may be wrong, but generally the hostiity your husband was there before you married him. If he was hostil before why did you marry him, or did you think that over time he would change? Your daughters rudeness has been there a long time right? It's going to take a lot for your daughter to change. But she is your number one responsibility, ahead of your husband. There could be some deep resentment that as at the root of her attitude. By what you say this is not your first marriage. It might be some issues with your daughter and her feelings for her real dad. This is not unusual, often there are real serious problems when step dad and children crash over all kinds of issues that block the real problem.It is impossible to counsel on a open forum. You all three, need to get connected with a Christian believer who is a christian. This situation with your husbands immature name calling is senseless, it will escalate and you will have to choose sides. There are endless ways this will end. Unless you get some help resolving these issues the likelyhood of a divorce is a real possibility. Hatered for your daughter is not tolerable, and that has to stop. He is the adult and calling your daughter foul names is unexceptable. His mindless name calling is driving a wedge between you and your daughter, and that just should not be. I hope you get into counseling ASAP.

 

[Rev T.S.Perkins]

I will agree he is on the wrong same mistakes were made here with my wife's children ..AT FIRST..! But God showed me it doesn't matter what they call me or how they act only that I call them son and daughter just as Christ did me ..She resents him for not being dad and he resents her for not respecting his efforts and what he was willing to take on, both are moving in the sprit of pride ..I pray patience for you and against pride in this situation God bless you and keep us posted as The Lord moves in this.....Rev

 

[amanda123]

Thanx for replies they are so helpful.
I am torn apart seeing them at each othet day by day. He won't talk to me about it but just says I'm a push over.
I am scared of him although he hasn't hoit me. He is very oppressive.
He describes hiimself as a mature Christain. He was gentle and lovin when we met, but that soon chged.
No chilld desrves to be called all those names. He is destryoin her and destroyin any triust she might have in him.
He won't go to councelling he says sychological stuff is stupid.

 

[Brad Huber]

Although I woudnt recommend divorcing him at this time, he may still repent of his actions, you should probably take your child and go to either your parents place or a shelter. Being afraid of him alone is a very bad sign. You are describing a bully verbally so far, and often those actions begun in verbal end in physical. From a safer place, you can call him and let him know you cannot be a family until he has anger counceling, and if he thinks normal mental health councellors are worthless, due to thier lack of GOD in the equation, then there is plenty of pastors/priests/etc who can councel you. Even if he refuses, you should go for your own mental health, perhaps they can help you toughen up emotionally.

 

[amanda123]

Dear Brad

Yes I agree it is not good to feel scared. I feel shut up a lot of the time.
I try to stay gentle and to keep tjhings peaceful. Praying all to be well.
He broke some of her cassettes and toys saying they wernet Christian. This made her more upset and angry and so the circle continues.
He says that his actioons are justified cos of all he goes througj with her and that people shoulld think of him. She is only 12 though and I think learning worse behavoiur from his example.

He was married before and his ex said he was angry and dommineering and cruel. I didn't see it. At the time, but now I'm wondering

 

[Brad Huber]

A wise older woman once told me something that I finally realized was a great truth. It was this...

"You never know someone, till you turn your back to the alter."

People naturally put thier best foot forward, try harder to be nice, dress nicer, be more clean, etc when trying to impress someone, but when the vows of marriage are made, and your back is to the alter walking away, attitudes change, people think "this person is now MINE", so now I can be who I really am, after all, they said they love me just the way I am. Its VERY common that people fall in love with a made up personality, and if they are lucky, who that person really is that you married wont change drastically, but the deception is almost always there to a point, so you are not all at fault in your choice for him as husband. But you will have to address it now that your eyes have opened to the truth.

 

[amanda123]

Veruy true about turning back on altatr and then finding out the real person.

I am so sad about it all. He shud behave like a matuer Christian and role modle.

He tipped a plate on cold food on her because she called him a name. She is rude but what is she gonna learn by his actions.

He says I shuld feel sorry for him not her as he is hurt by her rudenes

 

[amanda123]

I've decuded to lead my life by quietly instructing my daughets and avoiding contact with my husband as mmuch as poissible within the household.

 

[farout]

From the last time I posted you, I thought I would check and see how things are. I am deeply concerned for you and tour daughter. He clearly is escalating his anger at your daughter. Dumping food on your daughters lap is rediculous! His irrational anger will not stop with asking your daughter to avoid him. You married a unbalanced man, who is intolerant. I doubt he will live in a household that avoides him, and this might well make him explode with rage.


If you see his anger esclate you must put the protection of your daughters well being, spiritually, physcially and mentally. By what you have indicated I read you are scared, and if you are that the time to move to a safe secure place for you and your daughter.

 

[revbrad]

Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. 1 Peter 3:1-2

This is what the Bible says to do in a situation where the husband is an unbeliever. However, no where does it say to put you or your child in danger. I agree with farout, you must do what is needed to protect yourself and child.

Praying for your protection, safety, and his salvation.

 

[amanda123]

Thank you farout and revbrad.

I jusrt don't know what to do. This forum helps a bit.

He presents homself as a mature learned Christoan to the world but not at home

 

[revbrad]

Seek God for guidance....if you ask and listen, He will respond.

Praying for you

 

[amanda123]

Thank you. I feel I should stAy bt alsop that I should leave. Praying for guidance as so hard to contuinue. Like this.

His body language us so scaruy. :is moods so bad. Yet he presents to evertone we know as being mr perfect.

Thjx for prayers