Critical Thinker

[2 Poppa]

I've realized the older I get the more critical and scrutinizing I become of others, especially my children. I examine their motives and ask my children questions I already know the answer to, to see if they are lying.

My sorrow and grief comes from "trying" to be a father to a son and daughter that was fathered by two other men. The son is now 28-years old and doing quite well. The 21-year old daughter keeps coming back and makes frequent bad decisions, although she is trying to better herself. Her room is trashed with mold growing on some of the cups and saucers, which I throw away to avoid any serious ailments.

Her mom has repeatedily voiced that she is her friend and refuses to confront her on her house cleaning and etc. This issue is ongoing since we married 19-years ago. We have gone to counseling, time and time again. I now know what the counselor is going to say.

Both of my step-children,(I've refused to label them step-children), have deep resentment of the mistakes I've made through the years "trying" to raise them as their only father. I have been labeled as a strict parent by my wife, and she has actually fueled their beliefs with her comments.

My motives are and have been pure as my own dad passed away at an early age and I wanted to provide them with guidance. It's very hard to love another man's child, but I tried even though I truly love my 2-other biological children deeper as they are a reflection of me,their biological dad ... whew, that was hard for me to proclaim, but it is true.

The 28-year old son went through a study that "walked him" through his past and this is the source of his deep resentment. We used to be so close, we hunted together, he called me weekly from Iraq, and well ... I miss those days with deep regret and sadness.

My prayer comes from the fact that I confronted the 21-year old daughter, last night about her cleaning habits, who by the way stays with her boyfriend in her bedroom against my wishes. She goes to college but shows up rarely, works part-time and I'm supposed to commend her on how well she is doing? So says her mom.

My wife said she can't live like this,wants a divorce and left by herself, after the 21-year old daughter left in tears with her boyfriend. I thought most women would be glad to have a husband that loved their "step-children" and disciplined/teach them to be responsible young adults. I'm so confused!

I must say, I haven't attended church for several years, because I feel so ... ashamed of my life,my family. I'm on disability, have been since 1980,an industrial accident, and my wife is resentful for that. My days are filled with laundry, cooking, dishes and driving my 15-year old to basketball practice.

Can someone offer up some cognitive thoughts, reasoning and prayer ... please?

 

[sunshine2]

The bible telll us to be christianly stern with our children, I believe you are right there. Your wife or any woman should be thanking God that she has that Godly father figure for her children. I will pray that the Lord will open your family's spiritual eyes and draw them to him. I will also pray for you and your sons. God be with you.

 

[2 Poppa]

Sunshine2-
I covet your prayers and thank you for your response.

 

[Dreamer]

I agree with sunshine, 2Poppa. You are an honest man. I like the way you have said things out here. You look at things square in the eye and speak that way too.

Your daughter (step-daughter) needs boundaries which you are trying to provide for her.

I'm sorry that it is so hard for you right now. You know, you've nothing at all to be ashamed of. If you were to find a good church there would be some good people there who would affirm you in Christ so you could lean on each other for prayer.

I kind of understand a little about your wife over-protecting the daughter. I do that with my daughter too. There were hundreds of times my husband was too hard on my daughter, but I now realize there were times when he did need to say something. It's just that he screamed it too loud.

I will pray for you and pray for your wife that her eyes will be opened. God can do anything and bless anything, including a struggling family and marriage.

I do think I know some of what you are feeling. In the last 5 years I have felt ashamed of my family...we seemed so pathetic compared to other families...all our problems with teenager, horrible, twisted marriage.

But you know what? Through it all, prayer was heard and finally in October 09, things started turning around. So keep praying and be faithful to our God, because He is always faithful to you.

 

[2 Poppa]

Dreamer-
Thanks for your reply! It's almost as if you were reading my dirty laundry ... list. Yes, the volume control on my tongue does have a problem at times. At first, I thought if I said it a little louder it would penetrate the the walls of defiance and contempt. The only thing that seems to be tumbling down is my relationship with my wife.

When communicating with my daughter, I usually go straight to my wife, then she may or may not send her a text, even though she is upstairs with her boyfriend ... I don't understand this form of communication when there is a sense of urgency in the air.

I had a talk with my 18-year old son, Bo and my 15-year old daughter, Tessa, and they said to just ignore/avoid her as this is what they do.
They said if she was going change she would have done that by now.

There are locks on my bedroom door as I have had several hundred dollars stolen out of my drawer since she moved back in. Even though Bo and Tessa did make a good case, ignoring and or avoiding her ... how can anyone live like that, even in the same house togethe.

Come to think about it, that's the way this family lives. Avoid and ignore! Don't make waves! It's not in my bones to practice their style of living.

Another side note of ignore and avoid... Several years ago when my 28-year old son was in the Army he met a young lady whom he fell in love with. Months later he found out her 6-year old daughter was being sexually abused by her biological father. They both asked me what to do.

My reply was,"Do NOT go to the military authorities as they will protect their investment in this military pedophile father!" Go straight to the local town police department, which is in Hawaii. The little girl's mother goes to the military authorities and tells them instead, she thought her child support would end, as the "father" would also send extra money along with the support money.

They take their time investigating this for months which turns into a year. The pedophile takes leave to visit his parents in Florida and wants his sexually abused daughter to fly down to Florida to visit him for 2-weeks. The mother allows this to happen, and my son doesn't even protest.

Mean time, back at the base, after all of the investigation is done by the military, depositions, and court appearances with the little girl, my son, the mother ... the military doesn't find enough evidence. My son marries this woman and has a child. All is well until he abuses another child, and this time the civil authorities are involved. The day of his sentencing, he asks for his mother and my son's wife(his ex-wife) to be there, not only for moral support but for a favorable character witness.

I'ts very hard for me to be around people like this, and "act" as if nothing is wrong ... with them and this situation. My wife wants "me" to apologize so we can visit them and our grand daughter's at my son's home. My perception is they are two-faced with no backbone. If that beautiful little girl was my daughter(step-daughter) I would have takened a baseball bat to him and he would've wished he was dead.

My wife says to just "let God take care of it".
The sexual abuse of the second little girl didn't have to happen, one doesn't have to be a prophet to see into this pedophile's life.

I apologize for my public utterance, but I'm so tired of ignoring and avoiding ...

Thanks again Dreamer and Sunshine2 for your replys!

 

[sunshine2]

Not to sound harsh, but it sounds like your wife and her children could use some serious christian councelling. Many times God "handles things" through christians, and i will be 100% honest with you, if one of my children (grown or not) started into a bedroom with a boyfriend or girlfriend, i would bring them back out with a broom, lol. It sounds like God put you in that family to give them a hope. once again i agree with how you are handling things and i will keep you all in my prayers.