I apologize for my outburst last night--I have been frustrated with my own self for a very, very long time, and so the pain that I already felt was multiplied by tens when I began reading the scriptures---I wanted to HEAL people and SEE OTHERS HAPPY, but what I encountered was my own illness, my own unhappiness, my own failures, and the Law in me became so severe.
I am not a christian--I am Brandon Agee.
Friends, be good to yourselves, not like I have been. Obedience is a well of life, and disobedience is a stern teacher.
I have rewarded myself with severe rebuke even for my own good works. I was not an obedient child, and so, my memories with the ones that I love are not easy memories. I did not have friends, I had solitude and constant confusion, distress, and swelling emotions all the time.
Bode well friends, and be blessed.
I was alarmed to read your opening post. I am sure that you know this already, but I want to remind you that your status before God is not dependent on how good you are, it is dependent on how good Jesus is.
Trust in God to carry you through. He loves you regardless of your failings. He loves us all despite our frequent failings.
Here's Psalm 51. See how when David prays, his focus turns from dismay at his own grievous sins
to praising God.
To the leader. A Psalm of David, when the prophet Nathan came to him, after he had gone in to Bathsheba.
Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy
blot out my transgressions.
Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
and cleanse me from my sin.
For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is ever before me.
Against you, you alone, have I sinned,
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are justified in your sentence
and blameless when you pass judgement.
Indeed, I was born guilty,
a sinner when my mother conceived me.
You desire truth in the inward being;
therefore teach me wisdom in my secret heart.
Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones that you have crushed rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins,
and blot out all my iniquities.
Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and put a new and right spirit within me.
Do not cast me away from your presence,
and do not take your holy spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and sustain in me a willing spirit.
Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will return to you.
Deliver me from bloodshed, O God,
O God of my salvation,
and my tongue will sing aloud of your deliverance.
O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.
For you have no delight in sacrifice;
if I were to give a burnt-offering, you would not be pleased.
The sacrifice acceptable to God is a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.
Do good to Zion in your good pleasure;
rebuild the walls of Jerusalem,
then you will delight in right sacrifices,
in burnt-offerings and whole burnt-offerings;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.
