Advice: Life, Relationships etc.

[hgchrisfor]

I have some questions, but wanted to preface them (I know my posts are long but it would be helpful if you could fully read and respond):

I think I have learned some things in the past month:

1. We are truly saved by grace through faith. Good works keep us close to Christ so we might not slip away, or turn away for a certain amount of time. (Now I knew this already, but it's just so confusing works vs faith, our sin, how to live our lives etc. But I know we just need to have faith and realize what Christ did for us is enough and try to stay as close as possible to God by repenting and not be led to sin or knowingly sin for ourselves)

2. It is not on us to judge. Even though we think we are not judging, if we set unrealistic expectations for things/people in life we are only setting ourselves up to fail or be very disappointed.

3. There is no such thing as finding the "perfect" life partner? Since we are are affected by sin, and we can't input our perfect criteria into a computer and have it create a mate, we need to be accepting, not judge, be guided by God and live the best life we can.


I have never been in a relationship. I like to think some of this has had to do with being Christian (i.e not being promiscuous), but really some of it has to do with being in school, being busy with work and other things in life and not really seeking a relationship. (Also, maybe just being insecure, nervous or scared and not coming in the "real world.")

I've met a girl that I really like. Because I have never been in a relationship and because I have a lot of worry and anxiety, I think I sort of freaked out over a few things.

In my mind I am thinking that I could see myself spending the rest of my life with this girl. She is great. We have lots of similar interests, but yet are different enough as I have heard you don't really want two people in a relationship that are identical. She is Christian, and wants to live more Christ-like etc.

We are really similar though. We were both baptized within the past couple of years, even though we feel like we have been Christians our whole lives we have both become more devoted as of late. We also like a lot of the same movies and music.

This might be hard to explain, but we are really similar in a way that we are not "closed off" from the world. Like some people that were raised Christian and could never watch TV or listen to the radio etc. We are not like that. We grew up with R rated movies, music etc. But the past couple of years I have been trying to live like a "strict" Christian i.e go to Church every Sunday, read everyday etc. Now I know we are not saved by works, but I just want to study the Bible regularly and try to live as close to what God wants as possible. In my mind I am thinking start as strict as possible i.e taking the New Testament literally, then "loosen up" from there. But my point is, this girl and I are really similar where we were not raised "strict" and are both looking to grow now and live more Christ-like. I just think i'm further along.

I know we are all sinners. And we both have pasts. We have both drank and done drugs in the past (me not for many many years, and her not for years but she still drinks occasionally). I freaked out when I found out that she has had sex before, I think because I was setting unrealistic expectations for my future spouse and planning stuff out in my head. It also sounded like sex was not a big deal to her, like she would do it again before being married, even though it has been a few years and she has since been baptized. (We have yet to talk about his in depth though, I am just going by one conversation or comment, but she seemed so nonchalant). She also mentioned trying a drug, but this was after she had hung out with a friend that is not Christian who does drugs and tried a certain drug; and I think she was just saying that, sorta being influenced. (Again I know we both have pasts, but know we should be trying to repent too.)

My biggest thing is that I just want to please God and please my future wife. I guess if she just told me / committed to never wanting to do drugs or have premarital sex again, I wouldn't be stressing. Because other than these two things, she is like my perfect mate / dream girl.

But I have such a strong desire to always want to help/please people, I am worried she will want to have premarital sex OR if she doesn't i'm worried that I won't be able to please her and then we will have to divorce.

I sometimes wonder if I am still a virgin because of my faith or if I am a virgin because I am insecure. I don't have the biggest equipment if you know what I mean. I guess I am average or on the lower end of average according to statistics on Wikipedia and other sites. I think part of this insecurity contributes to my worry about being able to please a future wife, which is why I've been thinking about premarital sex in the event I am not good enough, then she can just leave me before we get married.

But again, I just want to please God and please my wife. I guess we just need to eventually talk these two issues out: drugs and sex. But I think it might be too early to talk about this. I don't want to freak her out like I am already committing to her, which I am not; but I could see spending my life with her. But i'm not going to go out and get a ring anytime soon.

I truly feel like I was led to this girl. It's hard to explain, but there have been many events in my life where I have been led or guided by God. And I truly feel like this is one of them. BUT I don't know if I just made that up in my mind and I have been forcing it because I have never been in a relationships or if I was truly led to her by God. Too many events happened to lead me to her and I just truly feel like I was led/guided to her; unless, again, I made it up in my head. Plus I wonder if maybe I was led to her to be with her, or if I was led to her to learn a lesson like not to commit too soon or make stuff up in my head.

OR now I'm wondering if I truly am meant to be with her and this was to get me out of my bubble and help me realize the world is not going to be perfect and/or what I want it to be, or make it out to be in my head. And that I should not judge, even though I think i'm not.

Again I just want to please God and want to know if he wants me to be with this girl. I also want to be able to please this girl in all areas of life. I think my insecurities make me worry here. But I am not just looking for a wife or a sexual parter, I am looking for my best friend and life partner. Somebody that I have their back even over my life long buddies. Somebody that I can share everything in life with, keep no secrets, be able to please and grow in Christ.

So I guess because of my "strict" Christian guidelines or ideas in my mind and my insecurities, I have freaked out a little. But I still want to live "strict" or I guess Christ-like is better. I just want to read the Bible and figure out what I need to do on a daily basis to please God. I know we are not saved by our works, but our works please God and keep us closer to him.

So i'm just not sure what to do. I really like this girl and I guess I am just confused how to proceed; how to proceed to please her and grow with here, and how to proceed to please God and grow with God.

 

[dannibear]

"Cast your cares on the LORD
and he will sustain you;
he will never let the righteous fall."
Psalm 55:22

"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Matthew 6:34


"Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take."
Proverbs 3:5-6


If you know that most of the problems are with
the past....then let it go. Satan likes to tempt
us to think about the past, and make us hold on
to it and make us guilty or worry. Read the second
verse again I gave you.
I am sure since you did drugs in the past, that you
wouldn't want her to freak out about it now, especially
since it is your past. You say you are trying to follow
God now, so wouldn't that be something you would
want her to look at instead?
If you are worried that you won't please her, then you
will eventually strain the relationship. If this girl
was the one God wanted you to be with, then nothing
else inside of marriage should not be a problem.
Worrying about this is telling God that you doubt
was He is doing for you, and what He already did for
you. So relax...God has got it.

 

[CookieRaider]

You seem to post this a lot and I have seen you post this on another christian forums not affiliated with this one. You seem to be searching for a certain answer or are looking for a step by step plan on how to figure your life out. Have you even talked to her about this at all? More than the couple comments you said you told her? Maybe you should start talking to her first before you post this story over and over on different websites. She might tell you she were willing to make sure not to tempt you, and even help your insecurity issues.
You might even know whether or not she really did take things like alcohol seriously or not.

 

[AudreyNicole]

Here's what you need to do:

~ Pray ask God for guidance in your relationship with Him first, and in your spiritual life, and then in your relationship with her. Ask for the Holy Spirit to guide you physically, emotionally, thoughtfully, spiritually, etc. Ask for wisdom and discernment; and pray for a clean heart... ask the Lord to empty your heart of your own carnal desires and refill it with His.

~ Read the Word go through the NT with a highlighter and a pen, and mark it up. Find verses that speak to you, commands from Christ, promises, prayers, etc. Let the spirit lead you through studying your Bible on a daily basis and let Him teach you how to be more like Christ. When you act like Christ, you are pleasing God. See the things Jesus does and the way He acts through His years of ministry and start to imitate them in your life on this earth. Be a light to those around you. When you are following God, He will lead you in all other areas of life.

~ Fellowship and worship get involved in your church in groups, bible studies, or ministries. By being among fellow believers you will be lifted up in your understanding of Him and will become a part of His body.

~ Wait while you are focusing on God, He will be working on your problems... so that means you don't worry about them. Remember that you will never have a good relationship with this girl if you don't first have a good relationship with God. Take this time to work on your relationship with God and He will guide you through this relationship with this girl. You must be right with God, before you can be right with anyone else. While you're waiting, be doing the three things above, and try doing them with this girl. Have a church date, go out and serve the community together, join a hardcore bible study together, pray together and sing worship songs together, and God will guide your relationship. CookieRaider had a good idea, you should include this girl on your journey and see if she's open and understanding.

~ Relax

Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. Suddenly a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!”He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.The men were amazed and asked, “What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!” -Matthew 8:23-27
​

I love this story because it shows the trust of Jesus. Amid a storm, Jesus was able to sleep because He knew that God had everything in control. In our lives when we are faced with storms and troubles, we need to be like Jesus and rest. Rest in the knowledge that God has everything in control. Yes, God is even controlling this time and this relationship in your life. All you need to do is wait and see what He's going to do with it all. It may be that you two end up together forever demonstrating a Godly and Christ like marriage. Or He may be setting you up for some other fantastic event. We don't know what He is going to do with the things in our life and we can never find out; so we are instead commanded to wait, don't worry, and relax. Be like Jesus sleeping through the storm. Just relax, God's got it under control.




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Looking through your story it is easy to see that you are incredibly anxious and worried. I can tell this girl means a lot to you and that's why this situation is making you so crazy. It can be very difficult to surrender and relax at times like this, trust me I know. But worrying isn't going to do anything but give you pimples, and honestly, God's probably not going to do anything until you can stop worrying about it. You are so unstable now, why would God work in this situation when you are so unstable? Instead you have got to get to the place where you are stable in Him. Get to the place where you are OK going either way. Get to the place where you are so content with God that you don't want anyone else. Once you can get to that place, the Lord will know its safe enough to bless you with other things in your life... but you have to be good with Him first. I would recommend that you take a step back from this girl and take a step forward to God. Once you're on His path then He will lead these other paths. But most importantly, don't worry about it, just keep your eyes on God.


God Bless you, I will be praying for you.


In Christ's name,

 

[startist]

just a thought

Wow Audrey..that was well-said.

i've been through a similar situation too..well, i wasn't so worried about pleasing him coz i knew i would if we were to walk with Jesus..my worries were about whether he IS from God or not..i am of a person who didn't have a relationship coz i wanted to save my self, my words, feelings to the only one, who'd I consider as my best friend and a person who i'd give my life for.

going back in time, this guy has been my best friend for a long time before i asked God to send me someone whom i'd start my life with. surprisingly he showed me my best friend..at first i refused, coz i didn't want to put our friendship in jeopardy if anything went bad..and i knew he was far away of being a believer..after several months of anxiety i finally took one step further..i set a prayer list for him and started praying..God has clearly shown me that this is the one. but after a year of repeated barrels and arguments on Christianity and faith..(he is christian..but not a believer..a catholic) i was fed up..i never thought i'd suffer so much with a guy i'd been waiting for ever..God showed me to pray more so i did..for almost 4 months i prayed, yet the arguments remained..until one day, while talking to a friend..she told me you gotta listen..not only speak to the Lord..at first i was like "how.."

but then i devoted one morning to listen,..and only listen..at that time we were on a break.. i prayed and listened..listened more but there was nothing..i cried, i told God i don't want to lose faith in you and i know i would if i stopped now coz obviously i felt satan standing right there waiting for me to back up..so i took my decision..i waited, listened carefully and still there was no answer.

it was then my time to leave to work..so i told God "i am not done with you..i'll be listening all the way..as a matter of fact, i'll devote this whole day for listening and i'll speak less, even to people".

do you wanna know what happened next?? as soon as i stepped out the door......BANG..there he was waiting for me.
"in my prayer i confessed to God that i couldn't trust whether he is sent from him although he had shown me..i asked for forgiveness for my doubtfulness and asked him to show me clearly once and for good".

from that day on..after being through a lot of good-bad quarrels in my head..i devoted my self to fully understand him and pray for a heart change..

i am still on my way but gotta say it's working.. and being apart for some time was good coz it made me focus more on the Lord.

now after knowing that he is mine..i keep praying for him..he didn't mind sex before marriage either though he hadn't done it..it was an idea..an idea that he is willing to change for the girl he loves.

so, bottom line is don't worry..keep praying and wait..wait for God's times..and let him do all the work..do your share of work and lay back.

but you ought to be Ok to his ways..whatever it turned out to be, good or bad..do what Jesus wants you to do and you'll please him and please the mate he has already chosen for you and whom is still waiting for you.

be Blessed

 

[David777]

Very good answer.

AudreyNicole a fine answer to the questions, keep up the good work.