Since this is long overdue, I believe it's time I make a proper introductory post. It's going to be a long one for I wish to describe why I'm here, how I got here, what answers I'm seeking, where I'm at right now and why; pretty much a progression post. I tend to be wired to keep things as organized as I can, for it helps me to make sense of things.
First off, I'm Saki. The name comes from a penname I use on other sites/have assumed as my internet name. I am 22, soon to be 23 years old and am living in Canada. I'm also a soon to be university grad who's majoring in History. It's an interest of mine.
I suppose I should start at the beginning. I was born into a Catholic family and raised in the faith. At first I was into it, but over the years I found it to become boring and lost interest. I also began to question the whole mass and why the priests have a whole lot of power that supposed to be God's. It didn't seem right to me, even after hearing the theology and biblical justification for it. It was around my junior/senior high school years that I began to look into other branches of Christianity. They appeared to be interesting and I was always curious about how and why so many denominations of the same faith were created and why. Evangelicalism and Born Again Christianity, in particular caught my interest. Everyone seemed to have such passion and zeal that I began to wonder why this was so. Not only was I interested in these other denominations, I was, and still am, interested in the history behind them. So much so that I took some courses on the Protestant Reformation in university. My interest was also a morbid curiosity, for these other denominations conflicted, and still do, with my liberal views and liberal arts/critical way of thinking about things. To me, it seemed, and still seems incompatible. However, I still wish to look into it and explore things for myself.
This eventually led me to looking things up on the internet, watching evangelical shows/preachers like 100 Huntley Street and Joyce Meyer. I also talked to some born again Christians online, one of whom, Shy, led me to this place. It was also due to her prodding and my curiosity which got me to read the Bible. So far I have read all of John, Matthew, Mark and a bit of Luke. I also asked some questions about parts I was unsure of so that I could understand the context behind it. I have yet to fully think/ponder/go over it critically or in a scholarly way. Right now I'm reading it like I would a story, and in a way, it sort of is. The parts of the New Testimate I have read is literally the story of Jesus and his ministry. And I must say that it's been an interesting read so far and so much different than what I was taught and listened to during the Catholic mass.
Along with all of this was a sense of loneliness. For most of my childhood, and my junior/senior high years, I was a loner. To cope with it, I would submerge myself into video games and fantasy lands consisting of my favourite characters. Same goes for books like the Harry Potter series. From there it led me into the world of roleplaying: assuming the identity of a fictional character and interacting with other fictional characters for fun and enjoyment. This also led to writing fan made stories about these characters. At first, it was satisfying and filled the hole left by being loneliness. However, in the past year or so, this enjoyment began to fade and I felt lonely again. It wasn't as fun as it once was and a lot of the enjoyment from it has faded. Now I'm left looking for something to fill that void again. I've heard that accepting Jesus and God is a way to fill the void and have a purpose. I'm looking into that as well.
Of course, while I was reading this I was also looking into Christian viewpoints with regards to politics and social issues, and that threw me for a loop. The Christian viewpoints on abortion, homosexuality, creation vs evolution and so on are in stark contrast to my own. This is but one of my many road blocks that have prevented me from accepting Jesus into my life. I worry about others and hate to see people struggle and suffer over issues that they shouldn't have to. Yet a lot of these things are apparently 'sinful' (homosexuality), and I just can't fathom why it's so wrong. I can also never get answers on what exactly is it about homosexuality that is wrong. Some say it's the sex, others say that hugging, kissing or being in a relationship (minus the sex) with someone of the same gender is sinful. Yet, from what I read in the bible it seems that only the sex is wrong. To me, it doesn't seem sinful and why should I condemn others for these things? Why can't I just let them do as they want while I do my own thing? If I were to believe it is wrong, then what's the harm of letting others live their lives as they are while I live my own according to God?
I shall leave that topic there for another day and move on. Along with what I mentioned above, these are some of my other roadblocks when it comes to this whole born again thing: I have a fear of commitment. I dislike the idea of giving myself completely over to someone else, especially under the guise that it's for my own good. I have seen my own father, and others walk out of my life and I just can't trust anyone or any thing. I also cannot understand the concept of love and the idea that someone loves me no matter what and will always be there for me. This is more so in respect to fatherly love. I have never truly experienced it, not until a year before my father died. He had left me and we talked on and off again. I felt abandoned and never understood why he wouldn't talk to me. Eventually he apologised and we began to grow a bond once more. He even suggested I read the bible. Shortly after that he passed away. Since then I have lost all trust in men and cannot grasp concepts such as eternal, everlasting, unconditional love. I can also not commit to a relationship of any kind, other than friendship out of fear of being hurt and abandoned. I saw it happen to my mother countless times, and after what happened with my own father, I just can't go through it again.
Another roadblock comes with my education and mindset. I am in a liberal arts program, which I adore. It is one where we think critically about everything and question things until we turn blue. We also go and seek out evidence to prove a point or position on an issue. This is especially true with History, a subject I adore. It is also this mindset that made me skeptical of the bible. I can appreciate it as a historical, scholarly text, but to me there are many contradictions and cultural/time barriers and rules that, while they may have applied to the culture and time of Jesus, do not necessarily apply to the time we live in now. I cannot also take things literally as written on the page and accept it as fact. Not until I apply what I learned in my courses and Historiography first. I am also, as you may have guessed, attached to the world and its ways and items, which also makes things difficult.
I realize that these all sound like excuses, and maybe they are. These are the setbacks I've encountered, and will continue to face as I explore the bible and this whole born again concept. Right now I am focused on finding out as much as I can about this topic and see if this furthers my desire to seek answers. As of right now, all the signs keep pointing towards me accepting Him and having Him answer things for me. However, I also know that to do so I have to really want it and have a strong desire for such a thing. After all ,this is a lifetime commitment, and something that shouldn't be done half heartedly. Right now, in my heart, I don't feel that strong desire yet. I am trying to figure things out my own way and seeing if any desire for him grows or if it stays where it is now. If I do decide to commit my life to him, I want to be as certain as I can and sincere with my feelings and desires. If he is going to give me this free gift of salvation, and if I'm going to surrender my life to Him, then I want it to be sincere. Otherwise it's just a lie and a gimmick to save myself from Hell and think I'm scott free. To me, that is not right, either.
To sum things up: I am searching for answers, trying to figure out my roadblocks and what's holding me back, to figure out if the bible is true despite what I've read and learned about it so far and to ultimately figure out if this is what I want and how badly I desire it. This is why I'm here.
It's a pleasure to meet you all and I hope to complete some of my objectives while being here and looking into other sites and such as well.
First off, I'm Saki. The name comes from a penname I use on other sites/have assumed as my internet name. I am 22, soon to be 23 years old and am living in Canada. I'm also a soon to be university grad who's majoring in History. It's an interest of mine.
I suppose I should start at the beginning. I was born into a Catholic family and raised in the faith. At first I was into it, but over the years I found it to become boring and lost interest. I also began to question the whole mass and why the priests have a whole lot of power that supposed to be God's. It didn't seem right to me, even after hearing the theology and biblical justification for it. It was around my junior/senior high school years that I began to look into other branches of Christianity. They appeared to be interesting and I was always curious about how and why so many denominations of the same faith were created and why. Evangelicalism and Born Again Christianity, in particular caught my interest. Everyone seemed to have such passion and zeal that I began to wonder why this was so. Not only was I interested in these other denominations, I was, and still am, interested in the history behind them. So much so that I took some courses on the Protestant Reformation in university. My interest was also a morbid curiosity, for these other denominations conflicted, and still do, with my liberal views and liberal arts/critical way of thinking about things. To me, it seemed, and still seems incompatible. However, I still wish to look into it and explore things for myself.
This eventually led me to looking things up on the internet, watching evangelical shows/preachers like 100 Huntley Street and Joyce Meyer. I also talked to some born again Christians online, one of whom, Shy, led me to this place. It was also due to her prodding and my curiosity which got me to read the Bible. So far I have read all of John, Matthew, Mark and a bit of Luke. I also asked some questions about parts I was unsure of so that I could understand the context behind it. I have yet to fully think/ponder/go over it critically or in a scholarly way. Right now I'm reading it like I would a story, and in a way, it sort of is. The parts of the New Testimate I have read is literally the story of Jesus and his ministry. And I must say that it's been an interesting read so far and so much different than what I was taught and listened to during the Catholic mass.
Along with all of this was a sense of loneliness. For most of my childhood, and my junior/senior high years, I was a loner. To cope with it, I would submerge myself into video games and fantasy lands consisting of my favourite characters. Same goes for books like the Harry Potter series. From there it led me into the world of roleplaying: assuming the identity of a fictional character and interacting with other fictional characters for fun and enjoyment. This also led to writing fan made stories about these characters. At first, it was satisfying and filled the hole left by being loneliness. However, in the past year or so, this enjoyment began to fade and I felt lonely again. It wasn't as fun as it once was and a lot of the enjoyment from it has faded. Now I'm left looking for something to fill that void again. I've heard that accepting Jesus and God is a way to fill the void and have a purpose. I'm looking into that as well.
Of course, while I was reading this I was also looking into Christian viewpoints with regards to politics and social issues, and that threw me for a loop. The Christian viewpoints on abortion, homosexuality, creation vs evolution and so on are in stark contrast to my own. This is but one of my many road blocks that have prevented me from accepting Jesus into my life. I worry about others and hate to see people struggle and suffer over issues that they shouldn't have to. Yet a lot of these things are apparently 'sinful' (homosexuality), and I just can't fathom why it's so wrong. I can also never get answers on what exactly is it about homosexuality that is wrong. Some say it's the sex, others say that hugging, kissing or being in a relationship (minus the sex) with someone of the same gender is sinful. Yet, from what I read in the bible it seems that only the sex is wrong. To me, it doesn't seem sinful and why should I condemn others for these things? Why can't I just let them do as they want while I do my own thing? If I were to believe it is wrong, then what's the harm of letting others live their lives as they are while I live my own according to God?
I shall leave that topic there for another day and move on. Along with what I mentioned above, these are some of my other roadblocks when it comes to this whole born again thing: I have a fear of commitment. I dislike the idea of giving myself completely over to someone else, especially under the guise that it's for my own good. I have seen my own father, and others walk out of my life and I just can't trust anyone or any thing. I also cannot understand the concept of love and the idea that someone loves me no matter what and will always be there for me. This is more so in respect to fatherly love. I have never truly experienced it, not until a year before my father died. He had left me and we talked on and off again. I felt abandoned and never understood why he wouldn't talk to me. Eventually he apologised and we began to grow a bond once more. He even suggested I read the bible. Shortly after that he passed away. Since then I have lost all trust in men and cannot grasp concepts such as eternal, everlasting, unconditional love. I can also not commit to a relationship of any kind, other than friendship out of fear of being hurt and abandoned. I saw it happen to my mother countless times, and after what happened with my own father, I just can't go through it again.
Another roadblock comes with my education and mindset. I am in a liberal arts program, which I adore. It is one where we think critically about everything and question things until we turn blue. We also go and seek out evidence to prove a point or position on an issue. This is especially true with History, a subject I adore. It is also this mindset that made me skeptical of the bible. I can appreciate it as a historical, scholarly text, but to me there are many contradictions and cultural/time barriers and rules that, while they may have applied to the culture and time of Jesus, do not necessarily apply to the time we live in now. I cannot also take things literally as written on the page and accept it as fact. Not until I apply what I learned in my courses and Historiography first. I am also, as you may have guessed, attached to the world and its ways and items, which also makes things difficult.
I realize that these all sound like excuses, and maybe they are. These are the setbacks I've encountered, and will continue to face as I explore the bible and this whole born again concept. Right now I am focused on finding out as much as I can about this topic and see if this furthers my desire to seek answers. As of right now, all the signs keep pointing towards me accepting Him and having Him answer things for me. However, I also know that to do so I have to really want it and have a strong desire for such a thing. After all ,this is a lifetime commitment, and something that shouldn't be done half heartedly. Right now, in my heart, I don't feel that strong desire yet. I am trying to figure things out my own way and seeing if any desire for him grows or if it stays where it is now. If I do decide to commit my life to him, I want to be as certain as I can and sincere with my feelings and desires. If he is going to give me this free gift of salvation, and if I'm going to surrender my life to Him, then I want it to be sincere. Otherwise it's just a lie and a gimmick to save myself from Hell and think I'm scott free. To me, that is not right, either.
To sum things up: I am searching for answers, trying to figure out my roadblocks and what's holding me back, to figure out if the bible is true despite what I've read and learned about it so far and to ultimately figure out if this is what I want and how badly I desire it. This is why I'm here.
It's a pleasure to meet you all and I hope to complete some of my objectives while being here and looking into other sites and such as well.
