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Where Was God? Part 5
The next moment red lights started flashing and a horn sounded. As the lights flashed I saw the room for the first time. There was radiation tape all over the walls. Big signs reading when the horn sounds and the lights start flash no one was to open the door leading in. It got very cold in there. The doctor said he was ready to begin. He said that he would turn on the radiation for 30 seconds and if anything happened during that time to let him know. I ask what kind of things. He said the same things that happened when they injected the solution into my brain.
As the radiation started my body started feeling warm. When the count down reached 20 seconds I told the doctor the room had turned upside down. He turned off the radiation at 28 seconds and told me to close my eyes and count to ten and then open them again. I did and the room returned to normal. He said he was done and that it would be a minute or two before he and the nurses could come back into the room. This time regular lights came on and again I heard air escaping from the room. I ask what was happening and he said the room was being vented of the radiation. I need to go back to just before the radiation. I was ask to bring a tape of my favorite music with me. When the room was dark and the doctor was running numbers on his computer, my tape was playing. Then when the radiation started the song, “There’s a Light at the End of the Tunnel”, came on. It was like God telling me everything was going to be alright.
They began removing the halo and placing gauze over the holes. When the halo was removed a compression bandage was placed around my head. I was told I’d be moved to the ICU for 6 hours and then to a regular room. Here’s where some of the events are out of order because I’ve lost memory of them. At some point in the ICU I was giving them a really hard time because I wanted to drink and they said I couldn’t have anything. Also when I tried to sleep I kept placing my arm over my head. The IV alarm kept going off. They also had a light on and it seemed to shine in my eyes. After a period of time they turned the alarm off and the light off. I went to sleep and awoke feeling warm and wet. I thought I’d wet the bed. I called for a nurse and she came over and turned the light on. Here the IV had come out and I and the bed were covered in blood. They quickly put the IV back in, started pumping the sugar water into me, changed my gown and bedding and ask me to please not say anything about it. I didn’t want to get anyone in trouble so I was silent.
When it came time to move me to a room I was placed outside in a hall and the waiting began. Bobbie was right there beside me and we waited, and waited. Bobbie ask what was wrong and was informed that there had been a lot of people admitted into the hospital and they couldn’t find me a room. They said I might even end up staying out in the hall for the night. While there the doctor came walking by and ask why I was still in the hall. After I told him, he said that was unacceptable and walked off. He returned 5 minutes later and told the orderly to follow him. We got on the elevator and he pushed the button for the maternity ward. When we got there he told the head nurse to place me in a room by myself. He then had the hospital send up a nurse to take care of me. Here I was in the floor with all the new mothers and their crying babies. I found it renewing thinking I was just like the new born babies. I had just been given a new lease on life. The nurse ask where my wife was staying and after telling her in a Bed & Breakfast, she said to go back there and pack up her stuff and come back. Bobbie could stay with me in the hospital room that night. Is God good or what!!!!
The next morning before the doctor came I told my wife to give me my cigarettes. She ask me what I thought I was going to do. I told her I was going to have one. She didn’t give them to me so I went into her purse and got them. As I lit up another patient that had had the same procedure came into my room. Now you have to realize that at this time smoking was still allowed in the hospitals. They had rooms on each floor where you could go and smoke. Because I wasn’t allowed out of the bed I was going to smoke in my room. I told my wife, what were they going to do, through me out. LOL The other patient came in and we both lit up. Half way through the smoke the doctor came in. He stuck his head in, shook it and said he’d be back in ten minutes. Open the window and try to get some of the smoke out.
Ten minutes later the doctor came back and said I could get dressed and go home. Now I thought at this time I was cured. WRONG!!!! What was done to me was to burn the blood vessel and cause it to scar. The scaring wouldn’t be fully effective for about three years. I didn’t know this and left that hospital and we drove home. I was told to continue taking the Valium and not to go back to work. After sitting down with Bobbie and talking did I come to realize what and how long my recovery was going to take. The roller coaster ride of emotions had me up one minute and down the next. Plus I was now a bundle of nerves.
As the days went by I became depressed and angry. I didn’t want to stay home, I wanted to work, I wanted to feel like I was contributing to my family. All I could do and was supposed to do was NOTHING. The days never ended and the nights were worse because I wasn’t tired. I hadn’t done anything to make me tired. I’d just lay there thinking about how useless I was. For some reason our Church friends didn’t come over and neither did my friends. In short I was a mess and Bobbie had to put up with me. Then it happened… One day I was complaining about my partners and that night Bobbie sat down and said she agreed that they weren’t the problem, I was.
Again, I had nothing to do but think. So, I thought how do I take care of this problem. Solution: Kill myself… Now how do I do this without hurting anyone else? The plan: When Bobbie went to sleep that night I’d get dressed, get in my car and drive onto the expressway. That late at night no one would be around. I would drive as fast as the car could go and run into one of the overpasses, problem solved. Here is where God stepped in and said,” I have something else in mind for you.”
Everything was going as planned. Once Bobbie went to sleep, she would not wake up until the next morning. Bobbie could sleep through a bomb going off. I got up, dressed and headed for the door. Our bedroom door was closed and I headed for the door. Just as I was turning the lock the bedroom door opened and Bobbie came out. She asked me where I was going. I told her I was going for a drive. She ask why and where I would go at this time of night. I said just out for a drive. She could see on my face that there was more to this. She walked over to me, took my arm and said to come back into the living room and talk. I told her I couldn’t and tried to leave. She again took hold of me and led me into the living room. We sat down and after a while I told her what I had planned on doing. We cried and after she got dressed we drove to a mental hospital. They checked me in and I thought life as I knew it was over. All I wanted to do was disappear. I stayed there for a month, a long month. I have to add that it was Christmas and I had nothing to be thankful about, or so I thought. I was weaned off the Valium and sent home on medication. Nothing had changed except that I promised I wouldn’t try to harm myself or anyone else. Life for me was over and I spent the next 10 years going to different doctors and them trying all different medicines to help me.
Slowly and I mean slowly, I started coming back around. How Bobbie put up with me, I have no idea. I started going back to Church and found God again. It was at this time that I realized that God had never left me, I had left HIM. HE was there all along, waiting for me to return. Not only that, HE was taking care of me all along.
The healing begins………
Written by Richard
The next moment red lights started flashing and a horn sounded. As the lights flashed I saw the room for the first time. There was radiation tape all over the walls. Big signs reading when the horn sounds and the lights start flash no one was to open the door leading in. It got very cold in there. The doctor said he was ready to begin. He said that he would turn on the radiation for 30 seconds and if anything happened during that time to let him know. I ask what kind of things. He said the same things that happened when they injected the solution into my brain.
As the radiation started my body started feeling warm. When the count down reached 20 seconds I told the doctor the room had turned upside down. He turned off the radiation at 28 seconds and told me to close my eyes and count to ten and then open them again. I did and the room returned to normal. He said he was done and that it would be a minute or two before he and the nurses could come back into the room. This time regular lights came on and again I heard air escaping from the room. I ask what was happening and he said the room was being vented of the radiation. I need to go back to just before the radiation. I was ask to bring a tape of my favorite music with me. When the room was dark and the doctor was running numbers on his computer, my tape was playing. Then when the radiation started the song, “There’s a Light at the End of the Tunnel”, came on. It was like God telling me everything was going to be alright.
They began removing the halo and placing gauze over the holes. When the halo was removed a compression bandage was placed around my head. I was told I’d be moved to the ICU for 6 hours and then to a regular room. Here’s where some of the events are out of order because I’ve lost memory of them. At some point in the ICU I was giving them a really hard time because I wanted to drink and they said I couldn’t have anything. Also when I tried to sleep I kept placing my arm over my head. The IV alarm kept going off. They also had a light on and it seemed to shine in my eyes. After a period of time they turned the alarm off and the light off. I went to sleep and awoke feeling warm and wet. I thought I’d wet the bed. I called for a nurse and she came over and turned the light on. Here the IV had come out and I and the bed were covered in blood. They quickly put the IV back in, started pumping the sugar water into me, changed my gown and bedding and ask me to please not say anything about it. I didn’t want to get anyone in trouble so I was silent.
When it came time to move me to a room I was placed outside in a hall and the waiting began. Bobbie was right there beside me and we waited, and waited. Bobbie ask what was wrong and was informed that there had been a lot of people admitted into the hospital and they couldn’t find me a room. They said I might even end up staying out in the hall for the night. While there the doctor came walking by and ask why I was still in the hall. After I told him, he said that was unacceptable and walked off. He returned 5 minutes later and told the orderly to follow him. We got on the elevator and he pushed the button for the maternity ward. When we got there he told the head nurse to place me in a room by myself. He then had the hospital send up a nurse to take care of me. Here I was in the floor with all the new mothers and their crying babies. I found it renewing thinking I was just like the new born babies. I had just been given a new lease on life. The nurse ask where my wife was staying and after telling her in a Bed & Breakfast, she said to go back there and pack up her stuff and come back. Bobbie could stay with me in the hospital room that night. Is God good or what!!!!
The next morning before the doctor came I told my wife to give me my cigarettes. She ask me what I thought I was going to do. I told her I was going to have one. She didn’t give them to me so I went into her purse and got them. As I lit up another patient that had had the same procedure came into my room. Now you have to realize that at this time smoking was still allowed in the hospitals. They had rooms on each floor where you could go and smoke. Because I wasn’t allowed out of the bed I was going to smoke in my room. I told my wife, what were they going to do, through me out. LOL The other patient came in and we both lit up. Half way through the smoke the doctor came in. He stuck his head in, shook it and said he’d be back in ten minutes. Open the window and try to get some of the smoke out.
Ten minutes later the doctor came back and said I could get dressed and go home. Now I thought at this time I was cured. WRONG!!!! What was done to me was to burn the blood vessel and cause it to scar. The scaring wouldn’t be fully effective for about three years. I didn’t know this and left that hospital and we drove home. I was told to continue taking the Valium and not to go back to work. After sitting down with Bobbie and talking did I come to realize what and how long my recovery was going to take. The roller coaster ride of emotions had me up one minute and down the next. Plus I was now a bundle of nerves.
As the days went by I became depressed and angry. I didn’t want to stay home, I wanted to work, I wanted to feel like I was contributing to my family. All I could do and was supposed to do was NOTHING. The days never ended and the nights were worse because I wasn’t tired. I hadn’t done anything to make me tired. I’d just lay there thinking about how useless I was. For some reason our Church friends didn’t come over and neither did my friends. In short I was a mess and Bobbie had to put up with me. Then it happened… One day I was complaining about my partners and that night Bobbie sat down and said she agreed that they weren’t the problem, I was.
Again, I had nothing to do but think. So, I thought how do I take care of this problem. Solution: Kill myself… Now how do I do this without hurting anyone else? The plan: When Bobbie went to sleep that night I’d get dressed, get in my car and drive onto the expressway. That late at night no one would be around. I would drive as fast as the car could go and run into one of the overpasses, problem solved. Here is where God stepped in and said,” I have something else in mind for you.”
Everything was going as planned. Once Bobbie went to sleep, she would not wake up until the next morning. Bobbie could sleep through a bomb going off. I got up, dressed and headed for the door. Our bedroom door was closed and I headed for the door. Just as I was turning the lock the bedroom door opened and Bobbie came out. She asked me where I was going. I told her I was going for a drive. She ask why and where I would go at this time of night. I said just out for a drive. She could see on my face that there was more to this. She walked over to me, took my arm and said to come back into the living room and talk. I told her I couldn’t and tried to leave. She again took hold of me and led me into the living room. We sat down and after a while I told her what I had planned on doing. We cried and after she got dressed we drove to a mental hospital. They checked me in and I thought life as I knew it was over. All I wanted to do was disappear. I stayed there for a month, a long month. I have to add that it was Christmas and I had nothing to be thankful about, or so I thought. I was weaned off the Valium and sent home on medication. Nothing had changed except that I promised I wouldn’t try to harm myself or anyone else. Life for me was over and I spent the next 10 years going to different doctors and them trying all different medicines to help me.
Slowly and I mean slowly, I started coming back around. How Bobbie put up with me, I have no idea. I started going back to Church and found God again. It was at this time that I realized that God had never left me, I had left HIM. HE was there all along, waiting for me to return. Not only that, HE was taking care of me all along.
The healing begins………
Written by Richard
