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Hey there, my first post here... some details about me (keeping it short as possible):

I am 26 years old, I used to stay with my dad and step mom until 4 years ago and I moved down the road into my own home (alone). Myself and my step mom got saved in 2006 when a builder building at my dad’s house witnessed to us, myself and my step mother was very close because both of us did not have any friends. The builder referred us to a institutionalized church where we could grow further in the Lord, I backslided a bit in 2008 and at the end of 2008 I committed my life fully to the Lord because I was tired of self.

In December 2008 my step brother came to visit for the holiday (he lived with his dad at the time... he’s about 9 years younger than me), we became very close, I felt so sorry for him because he was in emotional depression because his dad emotionally abused him, he also shown me his diary, most of the poems he wrote was about his pain that he was enduring. The Lord put it on my heart to help him since I was the only one he could really talk to.

As I kept in contact with my step brother daily by messages or phone calls almost everyday to encourage him, my faith and love in the Lord also grew, and the Lord also introduced and gave me a lot of friends from the church (I was always afraid of making friends), people found it strange because I was so positive and I was always willing to help people in need. In November 2009 the Lord put on my heart to fast for my step brother because he decided to move back to my step mom, a day after the fast my step brother phoned telling me he moved back to his mom, and he was filled with laughter that I never heard before... I will never forget that day. My dad, my step mom, and step brother moved away to a town 900km from where I live.

At the same time a close friend in the church was kicked out because the Lord put it on his heart to start a home church (It bothered me what the church did). Anyway, December 2009, I spend the holiday with my dad, step mom and step brother... myself and my step brother did everything together (my step mom seemed to be very distant with me that holiday, that bothered me a bit as well.). In January 2010 my holiday was over and had to depart back home, I gave my brother a big hug, both of us was crying a bit there hehe. My step mom seemed upset about that hug.

In February 2010 my step mom was thinking and wrestling a lot about that day I gave my brother a hug, she was thinking I was trying to molest him but I was showing him how much Jesus and I loved him. It was causing a lot of friction between her and my dad, I received nasty phone calls late at night also nasty messages/letters from my step mom, mostly telling me how disappointed she is in me and rejected me, all communication with my step brother was blocked and he rejected me as well. At the same time, some things was changing at the church, there was a prayer and fasting week for revival. I was telling my friends at church I was going through a rough time with my family, instead of helping me, it was to their advantage to manipulate me to do their will, they started to speak about how fearful the Lord is, and what would happen if we don’t do this and that and if we don’t go to that prayer week. They played constant guilt trips on me and they would only talk to me when I did as I were told.

A lot of people started leaving the church, a lot was kicked out as well. I was struggling with average depression and anxiety. During one praise and worship I constantly felt on my heart “There is no love here anymore”... I didn’t understand it at that time. In that church all love for one another changed to controlling one another. It sorrowed me because that church just changed into yet another religious organization. I was telling one of the leaders that I’m leaving that church (Thinking to myself its better to be alone than to be manipulated all the time). The “junior pastor” came in visited one evening, he bullied me verbally, telling me in a few ways he does not think im saved, and he was throwing everything back in my face what I was saying to defend myself.

In April 2010 the Lord showed me this scripture – Isaiah 41:10 & 13, it was written in bold. After a few months from that time I really wanted to go to my friend’s home church (The friend that was kicked out of church in November 2009), but the church was making wars with him all the time, and I didn’t want to get involved in it, so I joined a home church that was not related to that church and my friend’s home church... One guy was walking a bit with me to help me with all my confusion, pain and depression, but because I was not recovering very fast he lost interest, and the others in the group just started to ignore me.

I went to another home church (people that left or kicked out of my old church formed a small group – most of them older people), they took it with offence that I was suffering telling me “I must stand on the Word of God” and “The Bible says you must not worry” and because of worrying “I was disobeying God”.... more guilt trips.... and no one was really interested in building a relationship. There was one old guy in the group that has the gift of prophecy (As I have seen it in his fruit), one night during prayer he was talking a lot about what God revealed to him and at the end he said “The time will come where you will sing praises with joy again, and then you will know My love never fails.” – I knew it was for me somehow. A younger member of that group, messaged me telling he was praying for me and God revealed to him “I was sitting with my head in my hand... defeated, and its okay” – and He said he would help me. He was helping me a bit but because he didn’t understand me I’m having issues trusting God because with all this guilt and bad type of fear for the Lord, he couldn’t walk with me.

I finally joined my friend’s home church... I feel the most comfortable in there because most people are more or less my age... but all of them are married. I spend some time with them because I know the first priority for them is their kids etc... Some of the members expect something from me but I don’t know what to do... And few does not understand I have issues with my relationship with the Lord and none of them really wants to walk with me... sucks being the only single member 

Today, it leaves me like this and I’m a mess, and I struggle severely, im so confused and in pain, I struggle to sleep, my performance at work is bad (luckily my manager is mercyful), hardly anyone to talk to, feels if im smothering and my body is soar all the time, feeling stressed out, burned out. I always have to wear a mask where ever I go, its anxiety hell.

I want to be in the Lord arms so badly, but it seems there is a wall between myself and Him... I’m lost, stuck with very little hope, beyond repair

I struggle a lot with scriptures like “Be anxious for nothing”, “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life”, “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest”. Most of the time it feels like condemnation when reading these, cos I struggle with it.

I try my best to be still but this anxiety is so bad, I get so frustrated. Now I battle as well to read the Bible. Quite a deadlock. Almost a year of no peace. Struggle to hear Him speaking to me.

I constantly have this thoughts of “Im not spending enough time with the Lord”, “I messed up so much”, “The Lord expects you to do something, then He will listen”, “I must accept my life as it is now”, “im not praying too much”, “im not praying hard enough”, “im not good enough for Him”, “If I struggle to trust God, I cant use the scriptures to resist the devil”, “I have gone too far down a road that I cant be rescued ” etc etc... certainly you have heard that many times. I just battle a lot to resist the devil, he never leaves me alone... even if I sleep I get nightmares some of the times.

I hate to speak to people I don’t know, but I’m REALLY desperate... if someone went through the same as I did, pls help, and not opinions...

Sorry this is quite long... don’t speak much to others :)

:helppc:
 
Active
A most intersting and facinating read!! I was talking to a dear sister in Christ just this morning about being rejected!! It is so strange how the Lord will work sometimes. First the listerner which is you cat in the bag, must believe the person talking, understands what you went through! For if one has not expercienced something simular how can another help? As a young boy, I to was rejected,my father taught tough love,and never had a kind word,it was always you will never make it through school,then high school,then he died, and I was even in worse shape,the day I graduated I took my dipolma showed it to my mom who was seated in the high school and just threw it out in the air! You see, by now, I have done what was planted in me for so many years!! I rejected myself! I was drafed into Vienam where my story gets worse,you get the idea!! I trusted no one,love?? what was that?? mercy grace?? not in my body! To make a very long story short,Jesus arrived to save the day for me,I to was in a home Church,and I like you, was disciplined many times because i would judge others in there so harsly! I had Jesus,but I had no peace! I was kicked out of that home church,and left to a descison. Do I quit? OR!! Is Jesus really real to me?? In prayer one afternoon before the Lord,I was shown in a vision a very dark mirror,I asked what this mirror was? a voice out from a very bright Light said,this is your life!! You who judge another have judged yourself by your very own words!( matt 7:1-5!!) Is it not time my son to examine yourself in me?? and not by others who say they believe in me? What is your higher truth? others,do you wish to measure your life by others?? OR!! measure you live by me!! YOUR ONLY JUDGE!! How long will you lie to yourself,about yourself? Very rare tears formed in my eyes,then this kind voice came forth,Mark you start with self,I am in you now,if you reject yourself,then you reject me, for I am in you. Let my love flow unto you,so it may flow from you! Then Jesus took me to psalms 103:11-17 I love you,I love all,I love no one more then another,for did not my only Son come to die and be brought back up for you as well as any? If you will let my love flow in you,and will work on this as best as you can,I will finish the job I started in you. And cat in the Bag HE HAS!!! For God is not a man that he can lie!!( titus 1:2) Fear not about others,but look to Jesus in you,remember!! HE!! will never!! leave you or ever!! forsake you!( deaut 31:6 in the O.T. and Hebrews 13:5-6 in the N.T.) It did not happen over night!! But to win a race,one must begin to run in that race. Begin where you are!! Jesus loves you right where you are now! If I can help you further please ask,it is Jesus in me who loves,it is Jesus in me who cares,It is Jesus in me that caused me to do, and be just like you!! An OVERCOMER through his percious name! blessing to you!
 
Member
Hello Cat in the Bag, and welcome to Talk Jesus Forum!

I have a few questions from your post that I hope I can gain a bit more understanding, if I may? Some things are not quite clear for me, and for that I apologize. And a few things seem a bit bizarre without reason or provocation for explanation.

For example, I don’t understand why in the world your step mother would remotely believe or entertain the idea of ‘molestation’ with the hug you gave your step brother. That does not make sense to me, unless she may be battling some ghosts from her past or something else? Could you explain why or how she may have come up with this idea?

Another you mention is the friends at church during this time with the trouble with your family. Instead of ‘helping’ you, you state that they ‘manipulated’ you to do ‘their will’; Could you explain how they manipulated you to ‘their will’ instead of bringing you to God’s will? You didn’t mention what church this is, could you give me a name or their beliefs? Not all churches who claim the name of Jesus are of Jesus.

What ‘constant guilt trips’ did this church bring up to you? You mention “the ‘junior pastor’ bullied” you “verbally” and would tell you a few ways he didn’t think that you were saved. Could you elaborate a little on what he would say in bulling you verbally and what made him come to his decision that you were not saved?

Isaiah 41:10&13 are excellent verses to know God is with you, with us always. Notice He says, “I will strengthen thee”. To strengthen us is not for Him to work everything out, to make our path smooth and as easy as possible. To strengthen us is to allow the tests, the trials, the temptations to see what we are made of, to see to whom we yield our will.

Satan doesn’t need to battle with those who claim him as their master (those who reject Christ), he has them already. Satan does battle those who belong to God in hopes that he can win them back to his evil dark ugly side again.

I don’t believe Satan can hear our thoughts like God can, but Satan can and does place thoughts and temptation there. The only way Satan can know if he has done a ‘good’ job or not in placing evil in our thoughts are by our actions.

Thoughts like “If I struggle to trust God, I can’t use the scriptures to resist the devil.” are sent by Satan to us, and the only way Satan can know whether we believe his words or God’s word is by our actions. What do our actions prove? Do we sit and wallow because we struggle with trust in God AND never use ANY scripture as our defense? OR do we struggle to trust God AND then USE HIS WORD as our defense JUST as Jesus did when being tempted by Satan?

Our faith may be as small as a mustard seed, but once planted the mustard seed becomes larger than the other garden plants and becomes a tree (Matthew 13:31-32)

Another good one you bring up, “I have gone too far down a road that I can’t be rescued.” one of the greatest lies ever told by Satan. Jesus didn’t come to bring the ‘righteous’ (self righteous hypocrites who believed they didn’t need salvation) to salvation but the sinners (those who knew they were in need of salvation). (Mark 2:17; Luke 5:32; Luke 15:7; James 4)

The constant thoughts will test and try your faith. Keep in God’s word, pray for His understanding that He opens your eyes to Him alone. And another verse that helped me tremendously to see myself the way God did….. and to see where I needed to bring things to Him in repentance…….. is Psalm 139:23-24….. pray earnestly and He will search you, try you, and show you what He sees.

I also struggle with anxiety and panic attacks. Is this a sin? I believe it is. Does that mean that I am not one of His own? No, because I am His and no one can take me from Him. Why do I struggle then, I don’t rightly know except to gain better understanding to those who suffer the same. I do know that He is working and easing this struggle a little each day as I lean on Him and learn from Him.

You struggle to hear God speak to you, but the only place to hear His words is in the Bible which Satan will do everything in his power to keep you from reading and understanding. Refusing to obey this little command, will indeed, keep any calm and peace at bay.

(I too was quite long in my reply, but I hope there is something here that might help a little)
 
Member
@sunshineaaks
there was an earlier case where someone in my step brother's school tried to molest him, my step mom knew about that.

its almost a year now since I left that church, and removed all those guilt trip messages from my phone a long time ago... it was mostly "how dissapointed I am that you did not attend this and that", other messages was things out of the Bible, but out of context to create fear... I can give you examples, long time ago.

Well, the "junior pastor" had no personal relationship with me, and because I was disagreeing with what the other members he had a relationship with of that church he treated me like an enemy. He was sarcastic with me all the time and at some point he told me "Confess Jesus as your Lord and Savior!"

Im not revealing the church name to protect my identity and theirs... I was there for 4 years, and they taught en enquipped me well, the Spirit was present there, its just it took a twist turn forcing what God had revealed to them on myself on others, for example - if God told me to do something, im not going to tell others they must do what God told me to do ;)

Its just a real battle to move forward... I know He is a loving Father, but im scared of Him, and slain with guilt... I wish the Holy Spirit will show me the way, not reading and understanding in my own strength...

I dont know what more to say. didnt sleep well again. The more I try to do the more stressed out I become.
 
Member
@sunshineaaks
there was an earlier case where someone in my step brother's school tried to molest him, my step mom knew about that.

its almost a year now since I left that church, and removed all those guilt trip messages from my phone a long time ago... it was mostly "how dissapointed I am that you did not attend this and that", other messages was things out of the Bible, but out of context to create fear... I can give you examples, long time ago.

Well, the "junior pastor" had no personal relationship with me, and because I was disagreeing with what the other members he had a relationship with of that church he treated me like an enemy. He was sarcastic with me all the time and at some point he told me "Confess Jesus as your Lord and Savior!"

Im not revealing the church name to protect my identity and theirs... I was there for 4 years, and they taught en enquipped me well, the Spirit was present there, its just it took a twist turn forcing what God had revealed to them on myself on others, for example - if God told me to do something, im not going to tell others they must do what God told me to do ;)

Its just a real battle to move forward... I know He is a loving Father, but im scared of Him, and slain with guilt... I wish the Holy Spirit will show me the way, not reading and understanding in my own strength...

I dont know what more to say. didnt sleep well again. The more I try to do the more stressed out I become.
That clears up a little with your step mother and step brother, she may be a bit over protective at this point because of what had happened to him at the school. If this was recent she would more than likely be a bit more protective than maybe say five years down the road.

Could you give me the ‘out of context’ verses that were created to instill fear? There is enough ‘in context’ verses that instill great fear for those who reject Christ without adding the ‘out of context’ ones on top of that!

Having disagreements with other members of the church doesn’t seem like it would bring about sarcasm from a pastor unless there were such drastic differences in beliefs or something. Could you give me an example of the disagreements, like a major one; say for example you would state that the Bible says living together unmarried is a sin and they would disagree saying that it is not or you would state that homosexuality is a sin and they being politically correct would disagree and say that it is not?

I’m sorry, I didn’t need the ‘name’ of the church, just if they were Mormon, JW, Benny Hinn Garbage, Name it Claim it Meyers, Catholic or Baptist, Lutheran, or whatever. That would give some insight to what their belief system might be and how closely they hug the politically correct arena or not. There are many false doctrines, preachers and teachers out there which is why knowing the Bible is imperative. It would also give insight to their hypocrisy and self righteousness or lack thereof.

Maybe being stressed out isn’t a matter of ‘doing’ to ‘make yourself good enough’ but rather a matter of coming to Him as you are for Him to cleanse and make whole again?
 
Member
@sunshineaaks

Sorry, I'm not very good in explaining stuff, I can't really remember any of the out of context, but they would use scripture against you if you did not agree if they forced/manipulated you to do something for them - for instance they would say "many called, and few are chosen" - and kind of hint hint 'you are not chosen'. that kind of guilt fear trips :)

Well, the reason I left was I was not agreeing with them how treated other members and myself... we are supposed to love one another, not control one another... and anyone who would leave who could not endure all that pressure was named the "the falling away", the jnr pastor gave me a bit of uphill because I was friends with the person who started a home church (in the first post).

No, it was just a normal Christian church that was planted few of its members a few years back... no add-ons or anything that was changed in the scriptures kinda thing. The teachings was very accurate. (Dont forget the 7day aventists and calvinists as you mentioned the others below lol... kidding). On that note I had a lot of dealings with JWs the last few weeks, I also looked at their bible "new kingdom", its quite sad that they think they can get into heaven with their works, while Jesus already did everything on the cross... JWs are very trained if you asking them funny questions, and doesn't help showing the mistakes in their bible, the one thin that gets them tho is "how do they know how much is enough works to get in heaven?" :)

Anyway, im not making war with any others from other religions, Jesus said love one another, and when they see Jesus's love in you they would most likely to follow... or persecute :) Lol

Ja, coming to Jesus just how messed up I am sounds easy, its this bad mental barrier that creates the wall, difficult. The friends that I have keeps on telling me I must just keep on asking Him to reveal Himself to me, even tho it does not seem He is hearing me... I have heard and read of many testimonies where Jesus just fixed people's minds. Its possible but im very impatient I think.
 
Member
@sunshineaaks

Sorry, I'm not very good in explaining stuff, I can't really remember any of the out of context, but they would use scripture against you if you did not agree if they forced/manipulated you to do something for them - for instance they would say "many called, and few are chosen" - and kind of hint hint 'you are not chosen'. that kind of guilt fear trips :)

Well, the reason I left was I was not agreeing with them how treated other members and myself... we are supposed to love one another, not control one another... and anyone who would leave who could not endure all that pressure was named the "the falling away", the jnr pastor gave me a bit of uphill because I was friends with the person who started a home church (in the first post).

No, it was just a normal Christian church that was planted few of its members a few years back... no add-ons or anything that was changed in the scriptures kinda thing. The teachings was very accurate. (Dont forget the 7day aventists and calvinists as you mentioned the others below lol... kidding). On that note I had a lot of dealings with JWs the last few weeks, I also looked at their bible "new kingdom", its quite sad that they think they can get into heaven with their works, while Jesus already did everything on the cross... JWs are very trained if you asking them funny questions, and doesn't help showing the mistakes in their bible, the one thin that gets them tho is "how do they know how much is enough works to get in heaven?" :)

Anyway, im not making war with any others from other religions, Jesus said love one another, and when they see Jesus's love in you they would most likely to follow... or persecute :) Lol

Ja, coming to Jesus just how messed up I am sounds easy, its this bad mental barrier that creates the wall, difficult. The friends that I have keeps on telling me I must just keep on asking Him to reveal Himself to me, even tho it does not seem He is hearing me... I have heard and read of many testimonies where Jesus just fixed people's minds. Its possible but im very impatient I think.
You are doing just fine at explaining stuff, I’m just trying to keep up….. lol. I had to smile at your reference to ‘many are called, and few are chosen’ with the ‘hint hint, you are not chosen’. Was it not the Pharisees who believed they were on their way to Heaven and Jesus was a heretic or blasphemer? WE are to examine ourselves test ourselves with the whole of the Scriptures ( 1 John ) YouTube - Examine Yourself - Paul Washer

I debated on sending the above link, but it is all the Bible and so clear on how to KNOW if you are saved or not. Yes, fearful…. For those who have no intention on obeying God’s word….. Fearful, yes…. For those unwilling to examine themselves to be more like Him. Fearful……. Yes….. but so rewarding for those who want to become more like Him.

Many are called, yes. Only a few are chosen. What does that mean really, to ‘be chosen’? God is all knowing, correct? That would mean that HE KNOWS who would accept or reject Christ from the very beginning He knew this. He knew the murderer on death row would repent sorrowfully for his/her sin and come to His saving grace, (the chosen one). He also knew the religious hypocrite would condemn anyone in his/her sight as unworthy. (The many who are called but not ‘chosen’ because they reject His teachings and reject living a live in obedience to Him)

The repentant, guilty sinner has nothing to ‘fear’ (terror) with God’s forgiving power to change their lives. This person’s reverence and ‘fear’ is obedience to God’s will rather than that of the world or their own. For example; take a child who has been told that he will have his car taken from him if he should show irresponsibility on the road. The (good kind of fear) ‘fear’ in that child is great because he KNOWS his father will take that car away indefinitely!! There isn’t a ‘terror’ the child has toward the parent but more of a ‘reverence’ and ‘respect’ knowing that the parent will do as they say they will do. Does that make sense?

Yes, you did mention a member starting a ‘home church’…. What did you mean by this? Like the same beliefs as the church they left or more drastic beliefs that either went closer instep with the Bible or strayed from the Bible?

Lol yes I know there are 7th Day Adventist and Calvinists…. All religions in, my opinion, have radicals who can’t interpret the Bible the way it was intended by the Author. (some fewer than others, however)

It’s good to see that you know the fallacies of the JW and possibly a few others as well. And yes you can love these other religious people and still not accept the beliefs that do not coincide with God’s word. Pointing out fallacies they may have and letting God grow those seeds saves your own frustration and aggravation….. lol.

I also had to smile when you say its possible that Jesus fixes people’s minds ‘but that you are very impatient.” Join the crowd of ‘impatient’ believers…. Who slowly become in step with Christ rather than our own will. You are young, and are learning. I remember that age and how impatient I was also to get it all ‘fixed’ so that there would be fewer problems along the way.

One site that might help is gracetoyou.org or Christian Ministries - Free Online Christian Radio Ministry Broadcasts - OnePlace.com
This one has “The danger of Following the Wrong Spiritual Teachers” John MacArthur - Grace to You Christian Radio Sermons, Ministry Broadcast, Podcasts which might help a little also.
 

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