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This is how my life led me in search of the ONE TRUE GOD

My testimony (shortened version)

This is how my life led me in search of the ONE TRUE GOD

I was born as the middle child of five, yet the eldest daugther. From as far as I can remember my parents always wanted me to be the best.

Well my life drastically changed when I was only 4/5 years old. I have been molested by our neigbour's son. Well they left our neighbourhood soon afterwards. That day has imposed so much fear in me that I still feel the fear of that day. The worst was not only the event that happened but also the actions of the people that followed. Everything that happened afterwards made me feel guilty. The questioning, the doctor, the sending to my room when we came back (sending to our rooms was used as a punishment at my house – so I felt that I was being punished). Since then I was looked after with hawks eyes for a while. Life went on OK for a while. Just the normal family ups and downs, school and Sunday-school etc.

Well then to my utter shock, it happened again – this time not a once off event, but for a few years. My half brother (at that time I was not aware of the fact that he was my half-brother – but only he knew it.) He was quite a few years older than me and started to abuse me. My parents seemingly unaware of it helped in their way for it to happen. At that time I was so afraid of my parents that I was too scared to tell them and well all the phsycological tricks that he played on me added to this fear. What was said to me “If you tell, then I will say its all your fault. Well at that time I already felt unwanted by my parents so could not risk more punishment.

During that same time I was being treated for scoliosis but was also then diagnosed with neurofibromatosis. Could never understand why the neuro-surgeon kept on asking my how my grades was at school till later in adulthood when I looked up neurofibromatosis and see what it meant.

Well my parents found out what my half-brother has been doing and as usual I got blamed for it. We got kicked out of the house after being beaten to a pulp. I never felt so alone in my whole life – being beaten and abused at the same time and then being blamed for it too. I will never forget that night in my whole life. Typing this just keeps on bringing the tears and the aches back to me. Somehow we ended up staying at home- but I rather wished we left.

I tried to commit suicide a couple of times but was stopped by my concious in time. I have learned to cope without having parent's to talk to. I have hidden myself away in my books and never even let friends of school come to my house as I did not want anyone into my life (shield I built around myself). Not realising that I am doing more damage than any good, I dropped from being an A candidate to an D candidate. I even got lashings for studing too much.

At the same time I had to deal with the pressure of not being good enough to my parents. Never seemed to please them. They will even freak out cause the food had too little salt. I just could never live up to their expectations. Always tried to please them, but failed according to them. Whilst during all this I was attending Sunday school and was told how to fear God that He is an all seeing eye that are just waiting to punish you. That also made me fear God terribly and just added to my guilt.

I have out of fear of God accepted Jesus as my savior in Julne 1988. Those times was the best in my life. I could talk to Jesus any time I wanted to and anyway I wanted too. So till one day in Sunday school class we were told about praying and that people that pray a lot of words pray like pharasees, all we need to pray is the Lord’s prayer
(not explaining it to us neither). The whole time I grew up, I was never aware of the Trinity, yet believed in God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, but not as one though. We were also taught to stay away from the book of Revelations as it was only meant for prohetic people etc. Well I ventured away from the Lord at the end of the day with all these teachings I received from Sunday school.

With everything that kept on happening in my life I totally distanced myself from people around me and just built more and more shields around me, till one day I found that I am so lost from the Lord and that I feel lonely without Him. I have tried so hard to do everything on my own that not only rejected God out of my life, but also the people around me. Until this day I am not really close to anyone, not even my husband, most of the time I cant discuss my problems with him – dont discuss it at all.

When I was in standard nine (grade 11) I started to attend Sunday School again as it was my final year and was confirmed. But really thinking back why I did it, was not because I wanted to, but because it was expected from me being the middle child, yet the eldest daughter. Being the eldest daughter, yet not the oldest was difficult for me as all the responsibality rest upon my shoulders. Went to school, paricipated in sport and associations i.e. SCA leader, librabry prefect, school news paper editorial staff - sport. and yet thinking about it, I was not good at all in any of it. I just did it to have a feeling of that I belonged somewhere.

Well life went on after that all – me without God obviously. I left the house at age 21 and got married the next year. The wedding was set, but I fell pregnant before that and we set the wedding for an earlier date. Well I lost the baby after only eight weeks of pregnancy. This was the most devistating time of my life. And what to think God is still punishing me for all the things that happened in my life bearing in mind that I was blaming myself for all the abuse etc that happened in my life.

We got married, I went to church just to have my children baptised, me still fighting against the idea of believers baptism as this was not the way I was brought up. Well shortly after their baptism I left church again and went on with my life the way I could run it. I was in control of my life and no-one else.

Well after my second son was born, same story, yet with a twist. God has started to seek me. And well, what did I do, I ran. For quite some time I was hiding and running from God. One day my eldest son came home and said to me “mommy I want to go to Sunday school” so after the easter holidays, I sent him to Sunday school (this year) and I attended church.

This was the real hard time for me. Every time I was in church God sent His message via the scriptures to me. That made me real scared and made me run further, but yet for my child’s sake I remained in church listening, but still trying to run and hide. Well as you all know by know God had different plans fot this person. I did not listen to His calling whilst I was awake, so one night I had a dream.

I dreamt a dream, it was the most busiest dream I ever dreamt. Beings in offwhite clothing and just scurying about. (that is all I can remember when I woke up, yet more happened in the dream itself) At the end of the dream a larger person said the words John 3:16. When I woke up that was all that I could remember, yet I was so tired and my mind was still spinning from the dream. I did not bother about it and went to work. The very next night I had the same dream, and also at the end the same person with the same words “John 3:16” This time just more urgent and it was said a few times. Once again when I woke up that was all I could remember as well as the extreme tired feeling. Well I think by now someone would have listened to the dream, but me being sceptical ignored it. Well the next night again the same dream, just this time the words John 3:16 was said so loud and I was so tired, that I took my bible to work, looked up the verse and typed it out and stuck it to my desk. Then the dreams ended.

Well not long after that I was led to the internet for no apparent reason. Yet not knowing 2 other women was also led to the internet and they could not clarify it. After a post I made on a site I met a woman whom would end up being a big sister and a friend for me and via her, I met also a very good friend as well as the person whom would lead me back to God.

Just bearing in mind at this point in time I have found out the true meaning of the Trininty and well even though I was attending this church, I felt that there is so much more to church and christianity than standing in the pews like soldiers, singing and listening to the sermon.

Lots of things happened during these months since June this year. One Saturday I told my friend that I got this nagging feeling that I must go to this specific church this coming Sunday. I thought I knew where the church was, but was wrong. So that Sunday evening she tried and I tried to look for the address of the church, but to no avail. I tried phone numbers etc and well at last one worked and I found the address with an hour to spare. Well that night was the first time I would meet the Holy Spirit and was truly blessed by that.

Well during these past few months my friend has showed me some the truth in God’s word and not the half twisted truth we were taught as kids in the first church we attended. So yes I rededicated my life to God and are still learning today what an Awesome God we serve. I still struggle though with accepting His awesome love and grace for myself. Remembering what we were taught, its real hard to get rid of it. Its starting to learn that there is actually love out in the world. So even though I have given my life all those years ago, I would prefer saying that I are actually on my real journey now learning, seeking, finding God’s awesome love and grace for us all.
Praise the Lord Eagle. That is some testimony to what God can do. All praise, honour and glory to God. I just pray this will bless others reading it as it has me. :love:
Thats our wonderful God alright .. I am so glad for you Eagle !! My testimony has lots of God pulling on me too.. its amazing the lengths He has and will go to to reach us .. May you be blessed daily with the presence of His Spirit !! hugs Debbie
Those who have lost much..love much!

Your testimony is heartbreaking, yet packed with Gods gentleness and love. He is clearly working out the pain and leading you into life to the full. He will complete the work he began Eagle

God bless
Thank you for sharing your story, it is a true blessing to us all!
We have an Awesome Savior! God Bless you Eagle.
Staff Member
Thank you for sharing that great testimony sister. GOD bless you greatly.

Psalm 86:7
In the day of my trouble I will call upon You,For You will answer me.

Psalm 91:15
He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him;I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him and honor him.

I hope your testimony will give others hope. I am so glad you were able to write it down to share with us all.

We should all give God all the glory, and know that He is always at work to pull us into the kingdom.

His love for us never gives up on us and it is never to late to be saved or healed by our Lord and Savior.

PLease always share your testimony because it has happened to more people than you can ever imagine, your words can give them hope.

:love: your sister in Christ,