THE REVERSED STANDARD VERSION OF THE WONDERFUL WIZARD OF OZ
As our story opens, we see Dorothy, an ordinary little girl, sitting crying. Glinda the Good Witch, who is dressed more like a fairy queen than a witch, spots her, and comes up to her.
“Boo-hoo! Boo-hoo-hoo!”
“Why little girl, whatever's the matter?”
“I'm lost. And not only that, but I don't know where I am or how to get back home.”
“Why, surely you can get back home the same way you got here, can't you?”
“No I can't.”
“Why not, child? Don't you remember which streets you came by?”
“I didn't come here by streets. I was sitting in my back yard, in Kansas City Misery…”
“Excuse me, but don't you mean Kansas City, Missouri?”
“No it's misery all right.”
“I‘ll take your word for it. What happened in your back yard?”
“Like I was saying, I was playing with my dog Toto, when a big black tomato came by and carried me here.”
“A big black tomato?”
“Yeah, it was one of those big black cloudy things that swirls around.”
“Oh you mean a tornado.”
“Whatever. It just dropped me here, and I have no idea where here is.”
“Oh, this? This is Munchkinland, home of the Munchkins.”
“What's a munchkin?”
“Oh, they're little fellows about (she gestures around waist high) yea tall, with green skin and blue hair.”
“Is their hair really blue?”
Glinda shrugs helplessly. “Only their hairdresser knows for sure.”
Dorothy looks around curiously. “Hmm, if this is Munchkinland, where are they? Are they hiding behind the trees and bushes because they're shy?”
“No, that's because we couldn't find any three foot tall actors with green skin and blue hair. By the way, I am Glinda, the Good Witch of the North. What is your name child?”
“Dorothy Everyman. Say, can you tell me how to get back to Kansas City?”
“Hmm. No, I'm afraid I can't. I went to school in California as an exchange student, so I have no idea where Kansas City is or how to read a map to find it. But I do know someone who can help you.”
“Really? Who?”
“The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.”
“The Wizard of Oz? Who's he?”
“He lives in a place called Heavenly City. The great and glorious wizard sees all, hears all, knows all, and tells all.”
“That sounds like Auntie Em. She wears out people's ears telling them all about everything she sees and hears.”
“Do tell. Anyway, Heavenly City isn't so very far from here. All you have to do is follow the straight and narrow road.”
“You're not going to sing, are you?”
“I'm afraid so.”
Follow the straight and narrow road
Follow the narrow road
It will lead you where you need to go
Follow the narrow road
Don't you go to the left or right
Follow the narrow road
Keep that highway in your sight
Follow the narrow road
Follow the road all the way
You'll find the wizard someday
The wizard will save you from your plight
If you follow that road both day and night
Follow the straight and narrow road
Follow the narrow road
It will lead you where you need to go
Follow the narrow road
“There. That wasn't too bad, now was it?”
“No, luckily I had some aspirin.”
Glinda sighs. Everybody's a critic. But I do have some things that can aid you on your trip. First, here is a copy of the Wizards Guidebook. It's just full of wonderful advice for your trip. And here is a certificate for peace and joy that will get you through the gate at Heavenly City. I also have one final piece of advice for you. Beware the WWW.”
“The WWW? Is that like the FBI or KKK?”
“No, the WWW is the…”
There is a Poof! Of smelly smoke. The Wicked Witch of the West appears. “WWW stands for the Wicked Witch of the West! That’s me, in case you haven’t guessed it. I can show you shortcuts that are ever so much nicer than that straight and narrow road business.”
Glinda objects. Don't be silly. What could be shorter than a straight line?”
“Ah. But the crooked paths have nicer scenery the straight route misses.”
“Why don't you put an egg in your shoe and beat it?”
“Why don't you make like a bee and buzz off?”
“Why don't you mark the spot (Glinda makes an "X" with her fingers) and exit?”
The Wicked Witch is appalled. “That is just so stupid!”
‘Well, so are you.”
“I ought turn you into a frog!”
“But I don't wanna look like you!”
“Why don't you make like a jackhammer and hit the road?”
“Why don't you make like a jet and take off?”
Dorothy has gotten tired of being ignored. “Well, this could take awhile, so I'm going to start down the straight and narrow road.”
As she walks away, she can still hear Glinda and the Wicked Witch of the West arguing.
“Why don't you make like a tree and leaf here?”
“Why don't you make like a rocket and blast off outta here?”
“Why don't you make like a sock and shoe? Shoo-shoo!”
“Why don't you make like an actor and exit stage right?”
Meanwhile Dorothy has found the straight and narrow road, and as she walks sings softly to herself. “Follow the straight and narrow road, follow the... Oh oh. What's this? Hmm. The road splits here. One fork goes off to the left, one to the right, and the center one goes straaiight up that biiiig hill. I wonder which way I should go?
She is rather startled when a Scarecrow answers her. Well, some people go this way, (points left) some people go this way (points right) and some people go this way. (crosses arms and points both ways)”
“Do they now Well, which way were you planning on going?”
“I don't know. I'm still trying to make up my mind.”
“Why is it so difficult to choose?”
“When I first started to decide, I noticed that the people that went up the left road came back with broken arms. Those who went the right hand road came back with broken legs. I was just trying to decide if I'd rather have a broken arm or a broken leg.”
“I see. What about the people who go up the middle road?”
He scratches his head. “Gee, I don't know about them. They never come back.”
“Do you suppose that they don't come back with broken limbs because they get to where they are going?”
“Never thought of that.”
“No insult intended, but it doesn't sound like you think about much.”
“That's because I don't have much to think with. When the farmer made me he just stuffed my head with straw.”
“Hmm. I think I know who can help you. The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.”
“The Wizard of Odds? You mean Jimmy the Greek?”
“No, not odds, o-d-d-s, Oz, o-z. The wizard is replete with knowledge and can aid you. Look here in the Guidebook. King Solomon asked the Wizard for knowledge, and the Wizard made him the wisest man on earth. Or here. The Wizard filled Bezalel with wisdom, understanding, and knowledge. And here's another one; because the Wizard is wise he taught the people knowledge.”
“But will he really help anybody?”
“Well, look here. Whosoever calls upon the name of the wizard shall be saved.”
“But I'm not Whosoever, I'm Michael.”
“Yes, well I'm sure he'll help you anyway. But we'd best be going before the WWW shows up.”
“Who's the WWW?”
Poof! “I am. And I am going to stop you from reaching Heavenly City, my pretty! You and your little dog too! Say, where is your little dog Tootoo anyway?”
“That's Toto. During rehearsal, he bit the director, so the director wrote his part out of the script.”
“Oh, really? And I missed it? No matter. I can stop you from reaching Heavenly City with or without your doggie.
The Scarecrow poses like a boxer. “You can? How?”
The Witch pulls out a lighter, and flicks it on. Because with a flick of my Bic I get rid of a hick!” Dorothy pulls out a water pistol and shoots, putting out lighter. “Oh foo!” The witch fiddles with the lighter.
“Now while she's busy, we get out of here quickly!“ Dorothy and the Scarecrow run up the hill, escaping the Witch.
Several hours later, they are in a forested section of the road. They spot a strange looking metallic man standing with an ax under a tree.
Dorothy goes closer. “Say, what's this?”
The scarecrow looks closely, and comes to a decision. “A Kitchen Magician, that slices and dices and makes Julianne Fries?”
Dorothy is taken back by that. “No. It could be a statue. But they usually have signs telling who it is a statue of.”
“Maybe it's a statue of the guy who invented the Kitchen Magician, which slices, dices and makes Julianne fries?”
Dorothy points at him. “You've been watching too much TV.”
They hear a sound. “Oilcan.”
Dorothy is confused “What did you say?”
“I didn't say anything.”
“Oilcan.”
Dorothy points at the statue. “It came from him. You know what that means, don't you?”
“That he's a talking Kitchen Magician?”
“Urk! No. Look there's his oilcan. Let's put some on him.” They do so, allowing him to move and speak.
“Ah! Ooh. Oh, yes. That's ever so much better. Though I have a crick in my neck you just wouldn't believe.”
Dorothy, being a young girl, is curious. “Mind if I ask how you got that way?”
“Oh, no. I don't mind. You see, I was an ordinary lumberjack until the Wicked Witch of the West came along and put a spell of clumsiness on me.”
“What happened?”
“First I slipped, and cut off my left arm. Fortunately the local tinsmith was able to make a new arm for me. Unfortunately, that unbalanced me, and I cut off my left leg. That unbalanced me further, and I cut off my right leg. Then I had my last accident. The ax head came loose and flew off the handle, going straight up, and coming straight down.
The Scarecrow asks: “What happened?”
“I got a splitting headache. The tinsmith found me in time, and decided to just rebuild me the rest of the way, so I wouldn't have to keep coming back for a part at a time. However, when he rebuilt my body, he forgot to put a heart inside.”
Dorothy is shocked. “No heart at all?”
“Nope. Just listen.” (Dorothy and Scarecrow both listen to his chest.)
Dorothy is concerned. “You're right. I don't hear anything.”
The Scarecrow disagrees. “I do.”
Dorothy is surprised. “You do? What do you hear?”
“Breaker, breaker 1-9 this is Secret Squirrel calling the County Mountie. You got a copy good buddy?”
The Tinman sighs. “Yeah, if the weather's right my liver picks up C.B. radio.”
Dorothy isn‘t satisfied. Well, I still want to know one thing. How did you get stuck out here, and rusted?”
“I was out chopping wood when a sudden storm struck. Getting me all wet and rusty.”
The Scarecrow snorts. “And people think I ain't got enough sense to come in out of the rain.”
The Tinman raises his eyebrows. Which squeaks. So he gives them one more shot of oil. “Say, do you come in out of the rain?”
“Come to think of it, no.”
Dorothy tries to get back to the point. “Never mind that. Does having no heart mean that you feel no love or affection?”
“True, but what can I do about it?”
“Look here. The two of us are on our way to see the Wizard of Oz, so I can return home and He can get a new brain. I'm sure someone as wonderful as the Wizard can give you a heart.” (She looks through the guidebook..) Yes, I thought I had read that. The Wizard is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit. He also says that he can replace your heart of stone with a heart of flesh. Surely if he can repair broken hearts and replace hearts, he can put one in where none is now. Why yes, he can. Over here is the cry of King David, create in me a new heart, oh Wizard.”
The Tinman shoulders his ax. “Then I shall go with you.”
(poof! The Witch appears.) “Not so fast, tin grin. I have a better offer. Why go all the way to the Wizard when I can teach you all you need to know about love? Come on over to my place, a little candlelight, mood music, some Champaign for me, some Quaker State for you. We'll have a lovely time.”
Tinman replies. Ah, but you speak of the biological and physiological aspects thereof. So my reply to you is rather simple. Why don't you make like a warranty and expire?”
“Oh yeah? Well, why don't you make like a puppy and flea the scene?”
“Why don't you make like a successful robber and getaway?”
“Why don't you make like the army and take a hike?”
“Why don't you make like a stocking and run?”
“Why don't you make like a banana and split?”
“Why don't you make like a drum and beat it?”
“Why don't you make like the wind and blow?”
Dorothy has reached her limit. “Enough! You win, Wicked Witch! Come on guys, let's leave.” Dorothy, Scarecrow and Tinman march away down the road.
The Wicked Witch gloats in triumph. “Ha! Guess I showed them. Nobody gets the better of the Wicked Witch of the…” She pauses with a confused expression. Suddenly she catches on. “Hey! Wait a minute! You come back here!” She runs off after them.
A few hours later, Tinman has some advice. “Now we will have to be very careful going through this part of these woods, because they are full of lions and tigers and bears and henways.”
Scarecrow is curious. “What's a henway?”
“Oh, about 6 pounds.”
Dorothy groans. “Did you have to ask him?”
A lion leaps out from behind a tree. “Grrowll!”
They cry in fear and are chased back and forth. After a few dozen yards, they duck and dodge and get chased back the other way. However, they are careful not to leave the road. After about the fifth change of direction, they have a fairly good lead. The Tinman stops the Scarecrow as Dorothy runs by.
“Hey, wait a minute.”
“A minute's too long!”
“What do lions eat?”
“Huh? Er, frozen TV dinners?”
“No. They eat little girls. But they don't eat tin, and they don't eat hay. Therefore he won't eat us and we're perfectly safe.”
“We are?”
“Sure. So why don't you stay here and stop the lion while I go protect Dorothy.”
“You're sure of this?”
“Of course I'm sure. I can guarantee you that if you follow this plan, the Lion won't put a scratch on me!”
“Well, alright.”
“Oh, he’s catching back up. So you stop him while I help Dorothy get away.” As he saunters off, he giggles. “Well, hey. I told him I was heartless!”
The Lion enters races up roaring. Scarecrow poses like a boxer. The Lion, can’t stop in time, runs his into fist and collapses, holding his nose.
“Ooh! Ow! You big bully you!”
Tinman, seeing that there is no danger, runs back, threatening the lion with his ax. “All right! I'll take over here. Why did you attack us? Answer us or else.”
“Or else what?”
“Or else I let him punch you again.
“No need to get violent. It's because the Wicked Witch of the West made me. But I wasn't trying to hurt you. I was just supposed to scare you off the Straight and Narrow Road.”
Dorothy is back. “That's certainly mean enough.”
The Lion admits. “That's why I let you outrun me. I couldn't catch you, because then I might have to beat you up and hurt you and I faint at the sight of blood.”
Dorothy has a hunch. “Tell me. You don't like being a spineless coward do you?”
“No.”
“Or being bossed around by the Witch, do you?”
“No. I get bossed around enough by my mother-in-law.”
“I can imagine. But I know someone who can help you. We are on our way to Heavenly City, to see the Wonderful Wizard. He's going to help us, to give the Tinman a heart, the Scarecrow a brain, and return me home. I'm sure He can help you. Let me look in the guide book. Yes it says that the Wizard is love, and perfect love casts out all fear. And fear not, for the Wizard's Rod and staff shall comfort you, and preserve you from your enemies.”
“You're right. I can't let my entire life be ruled by fear. I will come with you.”
As our story opens, we see Dorothy, an ordinary little girl, sitting crying. Glinda the Good Witch, who is dressed more like a fairy queen than a witch, spots her, and comes up to her.
“Boo-hoo! Boo-hoo-hoo!”
“Why little girl, whatever's the matter?”
“I'm lost. And not only that, but I don't know where I am or how to get back home.”
“Why, surely you can get back home the same way you got here, can't you?”
“No I can't.”
“Why not, child? Don't you remember which streets you came by?”
“I didn't come here by streets. I was sitting in my back yard, in Kansas City Misery…”
“Excuse me, but don't you mean Kansas City, Missouri?”
“No it's misery all right.”
“I‘ll take your word for it. What happened in your back yard?”
“Like I was saying, I was playing with my dog Toto, when a big black tomato came by and carried me here.”
“A big black tomato?”
“Yeah, it was one of those big black cloudy things that swirls around.”
“Oh you mean a tornado.”
“Whatever. It just dropped me here, and I have no idea where here is.”
“Oh, this? This is Munchkinland, home of the Munchkins.”
“What's a munchkin?”
“Oh, they're little fellows about (she gestures around waist high) yea tall, with green skin and blue hair.”
“Is their hair really blue?”
Glinda shrugs helplessly. “Only their hairdresser knows for sure.”
Dorothy looks around curiously. “Hmm, if this is Munchkinland, where are they? Are they hiding behind the trees and bushes because they're shy?”
“No, that's because we couldn't find any three foot tall actors with green skin and blue hair. By the way, I am Glinda, the Good Witch of the North. What is your name child?”
“Dorothy Everyman. Say, can you tell me how to get back to Kansas City?”
“Hmm. No, I'm afraid I can't. I went to school in California as an exchange student, so I have no idea where Kansas City is or how to read a map to find it. But I do know someone who can help you.”
“Really? Who?”
“The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.”
“The Wizard of Oz? Who's he?”
“He lives in a place called Heavenly City. The great and glorious wizard sees all, hears all, knows all, and tells all.”
“That sounds like Auntie Em. She wears out people's ears telling them all about everything she sees and hears.”
“Do tell. Anyway, Heavenly City isn't so very far from here. All you have to do is follow the straight and narrow road.”
“You're not going to sing, are you?”
“I'm afraid so.”
Follow the straight and narrow road
Follow the narrow road
It will lead you where you need to go
Follow the narrow road
Don't you go to the left or right
Follow the narrow road
Keep that highway in your sight
Follow the narrow road
Follow the road all the way
You'll find the wizard someday
The wizard will save you from your plight
If you follow that road both day and night
Follow the straight and narrow road
Follow the narrow road
It will lead you where you need to go
Follow the narrow road
“There. That wasn't too bad, now was it?”
“No, luckily I had some aspirin.”
Glinda sighs. Everybody's a critic. But I do have some things that can aid you on your trip. First, here is a copy of the Wizards Guidebook. It's just full of wonderful advice for your trip. And here is a certificate for peace and joy that will get you through the gate at Heavenly City. I also have one final piece of advice for you. Beware the WWW.”
“The WWW? Is that like the FBI or KKK?”
“No, the WWW is the…”
There is a Poof! Of smelly smoke. The Wicked Witch of the West appears. “WWW stands for the Wicked Witch of the West! That’s me, in case you haven’t guessed it. I can show you shortcuts that are ever so much nicer than that straight and narrow road business.”
Glinda objects. Don't be silly. What could be shorter than a straight line?”
“Ah. But the crooked paths have nicer scenery the straight route misses.”
“Why don't you put an egg in your shoe and beat it?”
“Why don't you make like a bee and buzz off?”
“Why don't you mark the spot (Glinda makes an "X" with her fingers) and exit?”
The Wicked Witch is appalled. “That is just so stupid!”
‘Well, so are you.”
“I ought turn you into a frog!”
“But I don't wanna look like you!”
“Why don't you make like a jackhammer and hit the road?”
“Why don't you make like a jet and take off?”
Dorothy has gotten tired of being ignored. “Well, this could take awhile, so I'm going to start down the straight and narrow road.”
As she walks away, she can still hear Glinda and the Wicked Witch of the West arguing.
“Why don't you make like a tree and leaf here?”
“Why don't you make like a rocket and blast off outta here?”
“Why don't you make like a sock and shoe? Shoo-shoo!”
“Why don't you make like an actor and exit stage right?”
Meanwhile Dorothy has found the straight and narrow road, and as she walks sings softly to herself. “Follow the straight and narrow road, follow the... Oh oh. What's this? Hmm. The road splits here. One fork goes off to the left, one to the right, and the center one goes straaiight up that biiiig hill. I wonder which way I should go?
She is rather startled when a Scarecrow answers her. Well, some people go this way, (points left) some people go this way (points right) and some people go this way. (crosses arms and points both ways)”
“Do they now Well, which way were you planning on going?”
“I don't know. I'm still trying to make up my mind.”
“Why is it so difficult to choose?”
“When I first started to decide, I noticed that the people that went up the left road came back with broken arms. Those who went the right hand road came back with broken legs. I was just trying to decide if I'd rather have a broken arm or a broken leg.”
“I see. What about the people who go up the middle road?”
He scratches his head. “Gee, I don't know about them. They never come back.”
“Do you suppose that they don't come back with broken limbs because they get to where they are going?”
“Never thought of that.”
“No insult intended, but it doesn't sound like you think about much.”
“That's because I don't have much to think with. When the farmer made me he just stuffed my head with straw.”
“Hmm. I think I know who can help you. The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.”
“The Wizard of Odds? You mean Jimmy the Greek?”
“No, not odds, o-d-d-s, Oz, o-z. The wizard is replete with knowledge and can aid you. Look here in the Guidebook. King Solomon asked the Wizard for knowledge, and the Wizard made him the wisest man on earth. Or here. The Wizard filled Bezalel with wisdom, understanding, and knowledge. And here's another one; because the Wizard is wise he taught the people knowledge.”
“But will he really help anybody?”
“Well, look here. Whosoever calls upon the name of the wizard shall be saved.”
“But I'm not Whosoever, I'm Michael.”
“Yes, well I'm sure he'll help you anyway. But we'd best be going before the WWW shows up.”
“Who's the WWW?”
Poof! “I am. And I am going to stop you from reaching Heavenly City, my pretty! You and your little dog too! Say, where is your little dog Tootoo anyway?”
“That's Toto. During rehearsal, he bit the director, so the director wrote his part out of the script.”
“Oh, really? And I missed it? No matter. I can stop you from reaching Heavenly City with or without your doggie.
The Scarecrow poses like a boxer. “You can? How?”
The Witch pulls out a lighter, and flicks it on. Because with a flick of my Bic I get rid of a hick!” Dorothy pulls out a water pistol and shoots, putting out lighter. “Oh foo!” The witch fiddles with the lighter.
“Now while she's busy, we get out of here quickly!“ Dorothy and the Scarecrow run up the hill, escaping the Witch.
Several hours later, they are in a forested section of the road. They spot a strange looking metallic man standing with an ax under a tree.
Dorothy goes closer. “Say, what's this?”
The scarecrow looks closely, and comes to a decision. “A Kitchen Magician, that slices and dices and makes Julianne Fries?”
Dorothy is taken back by that. “No. It could be a statue. But they usually have signs telling who it is a statue of.”
“Maybe it's a statue of the guy who invented the Kitchen Magician, which slices, dices and makes Julianne fries?”
Dorothy points at him. “You've been watching too much TV.”
They hear a sound. “Oilcan.”
Dorothy is confused “What did you say?”
“I didn't say anything.”
“Oilcan.”
Dorothy points at the statue. “It came from him. You know what that means, don't you?”
“That he's a talking Kitchen Magician?”
“Urk! No. Look there's his oilcan. Let's put some on him.” They do so, allowing him to move and speak.
“Ah! Ooh. Oh, yes. That's ever so much better. Though I have a crick in my neck you just wouldn't believe.”
Dorothy, being a young girl, is curious. “Mind if I ask how you got that way?”
“Oh, no. I don't mind. You see, I was an ordinary lumberjack until the Wicked Witch of the West came along and put a spell of clumsiness on me.”
“What happened?”
“First I slipped, and cut off my left arm. Fortunately the local tinsmith was able to make a new arm for me. Unfortunately, that unbalanced me, and I cut off my left leg. That unbalanced me further, and I cut off my right leg. Then I had my last accident. The ax head came loose and flew off the handle, going straight up, and coming straight down.
The Scarecrow asks: “What happened?”
“I got a splitting headache. The tinsmith found me in time, and decided to just rebuild me the rest of the way, so I wouldn't have to keep coming back for a part at a time. However, when he rebuilt my body, he forgot to put a heart inside.”
Dorothy is shocked. “No heart at all?”
“Nope. Just listen.” (Dorothy and Scarecrow both listen to his chest.)
Dorothy is concerned. “You're right. I don't hear anything.”
The Scarecrow disagrees. “I do.”
Dorothy is surprised. “You do? What do you hear?”
“Breaker, breaker 1-9 this is Secret Squirrel calling the County Mountie. You got a copy good buddy?”
The Tinman sighs. “Yeah, if the weather's right my liver picks up C.B. radio.”
Dorothy isn‘t satisfied. Well, I still want to know one thing. How did you get stuck out here, and rusted?”
“I was out chopping wood when a sudden storm struck. Getting me all wet and rusty.”
The Scarecrow snorts. “And people think I ain't got enough sense to come in out of the rain.”
The Tinman raises his eyebrows. Which squeaks. So he gives them one more shot of oil. “Say, do you come in out of the rain?”
“Come to think of it, no.”
Dorothy tries to get back to the point. “Never mind that. Does having no heart mean that you feel no love or affection?”
“True, but what can I do about it?”
“Look here. The two of us are on our way to see the Wizard of Oz, so I can return home and He can get a new brain. I'm sure someone as wonderful as the Wizard can give you a heart.” (She looks through the guidebook..) Yes, I thought I had read that. The Wizard is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit. He also says that he can replace your heart of stone with a heart of flesh. Surely if he can repair broken hearts and replace hearts, he can put one in where none is now. Why yes, he can. Over here is the cry of King David, create in me a new heart, oh Wizard.”
The Tinman shoulders his ax. “Then I shall go with you.”
(poof! The Witch appears.) “Not so fast, tin grin. I have a better offer. Why go all the way to the Wizard when I can teach you all you need to know about love? Come on over to my place, a little candlelight, mood music, some Champaign for me, some Quaker State for you. We'll have a lovely time.”
Tinman replies. Ah, but you speak of the biological and physiological aspects thereof. So my reply to you is rather simple. Why don't you make like a warranty and expire?”
“Oh yeah? Well, why don't you make like a puppy and flea the scene?”
“Why don't you make like a successful robber and getaway?”
“Why don't you make like the army and take a hike?”
“Why don't you make like a stocking and run?”
“Why don't you make like a banana and split?”
“Why don't you make like a drum and beat it?”
“Why don't you make like the wind and blow?”
Dorothy has reached her limit. “Enough! You win, Wicked Witch! Come on guys, let's leave.” Dorothy, Scarecrow and Tinman march away down the road.
The Wicked Witch gloats in triumph. “Ha! Guess I showed them. Nobody gets the better of the Wicked Witch of the…” She pauses with a confused expression. Suddenly she catches on. “Hey! Wait a minute! You come back here!” She runs off after them.
A few hours later, Tinman has some advice. “Now we will have to be very careful going through this part of these woods, because they are full of lions and tigers and bears and henways.”
Scarecrow is curious. “What's a henway?”
“Oh, about 6 pounds.”
Dorothy groans. “Did you have to ask him?”
A lion leaps out from behind a tree. “Grrowll!”
They cry in fear and are chased back and forth. After a few dozen yards, they duck and dodge and get chased back the other way. However, they are careful not to leave the road. After about the fifth change of direction, they have a fairly good lead. The Tinman stops the Scarecrow as Dorothy runs by.
“Hey, wait a minute.”
“A minute's too long!”
“What do lions eat?”
“Huh? Er, frozen TV dinners?”
“No. They eat little girls. But they don't eat tin, and they don't eat hay. Therefore he won't eat us and we're perfectly safe.”
“We are?”
“Sure. So why don't you stay here and stop the lion while I go protect Dorothy.”
“You're sure of this?”
“Of course I'm sure. I can guarantee you that if you follow this plan, the Lion won't put a scratch on me!”
“Well, alright.”
“Oh, he’s catching back up. So you stop him while I help Dorothy get away.” As he saunters off, he giggles. “Well, hey. I told him I was heartless!”
The Lion enters races up roaring. Scarecrow poses like a boxer. The Lion, can’t stop in time, runs his into fist and collapses, holding his nose.
“Ooh! Ow! You big bully you!”
Tinman, seeing that there is no danger, runs back, threatening the lion with his ax. “All right! I'll take over here. Why did you attack us? Answer us or else.”
“Or else what?”
“Or else I let him punch you again.
“No need to get violent. It's because the Wicked Witch of the West made me. But I wasn't trying to hurt you. I was just supposed to scare you off the Straight and Narrow Road.”
Dorothy is back. “That's certainly mean enough.”
The Lion admits. “That's why I let you outrun me. I couldn't catch you, because then I might have to beat you up and hurt you and I faint at the sight of blood.”
Dorothy has a hunch. “Tell me. You don't like being a spineless coward do you?”
“No.”
“Or being bossed around by the Witch, do you?”
“No. I get bossed around enough by my mother-in-law.”
“I can imagine. But I know someone who can help you. We are on our way to Heavenly City, to see the Wonderful Wizard. He's going to help us, to give the Tinman a heart, the Scarecrow a brain, and return me home. I'm sure He can help you. Let me look in the guide book. Yes it says that the Wizard is love, and perfect love casts out all fear. And fear not, for the Wizard's Rod and staff shall comfort you, and preserve you from your enemies.”
“You're right. I can't let my entire life be ruled by fear. I will come with you.”
