Yet another play I wrote and performed in the mid-70's.
THE TOUCHSTONE
A sign sits in front of a house. From around a corner a very tired looking man, Allen, staggers up and sits to rest by the sign.
“Hoo boy, am I tired. Before my father died, he told me that if I wanted to live happily ever after, I'd have to find the most valuable thing in the world. Unfortunately, he forgot to tell me where to look. Or even what it looks like. I've been looking day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, decade after decade, century after century, millennium after millennium, age after age, eon after… well... o.k., on second thought, maybe not quite that long. But I have looked (points) north, south, east, west, left, right, up, down, in, out, but I can't find it.” He finally notices that he is leaning on a sign. “Oho! What's this?” He reads the sign. " ‘This is the house of the smartest man in the world.’ Hey, maybe he can tell me where to look.“ (knock, knock) “Yoo hoo!”
A man opens the door. “Yes? Can I help you? Oh, I'm so sorry, but I only do face transplants on Tuesdays.”
“You really the smartest man in the world?”
“Yes, I am. Smarticus Alexandrinius. But my friends call me Smart Alex for short.”
“Oho! Then you can probably help me. I'm looking for... uh... looking for... Looking night and day for... can't remember... uh... don't tell me... Uh…”
“If it's your brain you're looking for, I'm afraid that's a hopeless cause.”
“Wait a minute. How can I tell if you really are the smartest man in the world?”
“Take a gander at all of my diplomas.”
“Diplomas?”
“Sure. You do know what diplomas are, don't you?”
“Of course. Diploma's the man who fixa da sink.”
“Didn't you go to school, stupid?”
“Yeah. And I came back stupid, too.”
“Woof! Tell you what I'm going to do. You can ask me any questions on any subject, and I'll answer them.”
“Anything?”
“Anything. That should prove how smart I am.”
“Let's see... How come when it's three o'clock in Baltimore, it's only twelve o'clock in San Jose?”
“That's because the people in Baltimore get up three hours earlier.”
Allen is impressed. “Ah. How does a phone work? How does it turn sound into electricity and back again?”
“You put a quarter in the slot and dial.”
Allen is even more impressed. “Wow. O.K. If you have $100, and I take away all but $10, what do I get?”
“Twenty years in San Quentin Penitentiary.”
“Gee, you're right! You really are the smartest man in the world! And now I remember what I came to you for. Can you tell me where to look to find the most valuable thing in the world?”
“Ah! Now there is a question worth answering. And fortunately for you, I know the answer.”
“You do? Where? Where?”
“You must journey to Ephesus. A friend of mine, St. John the Apostle, lives there. He has the most valuable thing in the world. Furthermore, if you tell him that I sent you, he will give it to you.”
“Hot diggety dog!” He runs off.
Several hours pass.
“Oh, dang, blast, and drat! I left so fast I forgot to ask him where Ephesus is. Aha! What's this sign? "Welcome to Ephesus.”
As he stand s there, two women of the town pass by conversing.
“And that's not all, Esther. When St. John came back down to Patmos Island from Heaven, after Jesus gave him the Revelation, he found a little pebble stuck in his sandal.”
“What's so interesting about that? I get pebbles in my sandals all the time."
“True.’
“All right then, Huldah. Don't keep me in suspense. What is so all fired special about this pebble?”
“Since it came from Heaven, it's a touchstone!”
“And just what, pray tell, is a touchstone?”
“Well, it's a magical stone, sometimes also called a philosopher's stone. It seems that any non-living thing it touches turns to gold.”
“Really? Wow, that must be a handy thing to have around the house. They walk out of eves dropping range. But Allen has heard enough.
“Oho! Now I know what it is! That magical touchstone thingamajig must be the most valuable thing in the world! Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! Oh. Here we are. St. John's house. (knock, knock) Hey, yoo-hoo! Hello! You in there! (starts pounding) Open up! Hello! Anybody home? Somebody's at the door!”
St. John opens the door. “What's going on out there? Knock off with the battering ram already! Huh? There's only one of you? Where did all the catapults and chariots go?”
“You Saint John?”
“Yes, that's me.”
“Smart Alex sent me.”
“Ah, Smarticus Alexandrinius, my old friend. Come in, come in. How is the dear boy doing lately?”
“Smart as ever.”
“And what does Alex want so desperately, that he sent someone like you all this way?”
“He said that you should give me the touchstone.”
“Really? Hmm. I suppose one as smart as he is must have found a really good use for the silly thing. Very well, you may have it.”
“Where is it?”
“Hmm? Oh. It's over there in that trash can behind you. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a few Epistles to write.” He turns to leave.
“Say, are they called Epistles because they are written by apostles? Or are they Apostles because they write Epistles?”
St. John grimaces; then gains control, and turns back. “Hmm. Why don't you ask Alex about that one when you get back to him?” He enters the house and closes the door.
“Oh boy, oh, boy, oh boy, oh boy!” He runs excitedly to the trash can put out for the garbage man. “I wonder if this is the right one. Hmm. Must be. How many solid gold trash cans can there be in this town?” He digs through the trash like crazy. “Ooh! Is this it? Let me try it on this gum wrapper.” (ping!) “Hot diggety dog! A gold gum wrapper! This is it! Wahoo! Gold rocks! (ping!) A gold daisy! (ping!) A solid gold can of solid gold beer!” (ping!) “Yippee! I'll go buy a garbage truck and make a billion dollars a year in the garbage business! Tee Hee!”
He has been too excited to notice, but Silky Slim has been watching his hyjinks.
“Morning, ugly.”
Allen panics, tries to hide it all. “No! No! It's all mine and you can't have it!”
“Judging by the fact that it fits in your hand, I'd say it was smaller than a bread box. And judging by your face, I'd say that anybody, even with an I.Q. of thirty below zero, can use it.”
“Ooh! How did he know that it doesn't take any brains to use the touchstone?”
“In fact, sucker, I'd gather from the above, that you have a touchstone in your possession.”
“Gasp! How did he know that?”
“Silky Slim knows all the angles.”
“Oh, you're an arithmetic teacher, huh?”
“Silky Slim has an eye for figures, always gets his percentage, and his nose always smells out all matters of profit and interest.”
“Hmm. I wonder if he knows that a touchstone turns all it touches into gold?”
“In fact, just to give you an example of how on top of everything I am, my man, I will clue you in to the news that a touchstone turns every inanimate object it touches into gold.”
“Good grief! How did you know that?”
“Silky Slim knows all the scoop, turkey! Besides, where else this side of Beverly Hills would you find a solid gold gum wrapper? And not even Milwaukee makes cans of solid gold beer! Where did you get it, chump?”
“From St. John the Epistle who writes the Apostles.”
“St. John the Epistle writes Apostles to the Epistles?”
“No, St. John the Apostle writes the Apostles Epistles.”
“Epistles to Apostles are Apostles' Epistles?”
“Apostles' Epistles are Epistles of Apostles.”
“Now let's see if I got this straight. St. John the Apostle writes Epistles to the Apostles. I'm glad that's settled. And here all this time I had thought an Epistle was the wife of an Apostle. Let's try again, turkey. How did you get possession of this touchstone?”
“Smart Alex told me that if I was to ask St. John for it in his name, St. John would give me the most valuable thing in the world. So he gave me this. Here.” (ping!)
“You jive turkey! Look what you did to my watch!”
“You don't like that?”
“No! Now the whole watch is gold, including the glass window. Now I can't see what gold numbers the gold hands are pointing to. Oh, well. So tell me, Turkey, where did John have this mystical marble stashed away?”
“In a trash can.”
“A trash can? Wait a minute!”
“Huh?”
“You dummy! Don't you realize what that means?”
“No?”
“If it was in his trash can, then he just threw it away. If he could just throw it away, then he must have something so valuable that it makes a touchstone worthless by comparison!”
“But how is that possible? How can something be more valuable than a touchstone? It turns stuff into gold!”
“I realize that this is asking a lot, but use your head, sucker! Gold is so valuable because it's so rare. If you go running around with that touchstone thing turning all the world's trash into gold, it won't be rare any more. Gold will be worthless. Everybody would have to switch to something else for money, like rutabagas. You have been suckered, sucker!”
Allen gets angry. “Ooh, you're right! That Apostolic Epistle pusher tricked me. I'll go back and get the most valuable thing from him or my name ain't... uh... my name ain't...uh... Oh drat. I forgot what my name is.”
“It's Allen, you dingbat!”
“Really? I didn't know my middle initial was a U. What does it stand for?”
“Never mind. Just get going.”
“Oh, yeah.“
As Allen runs off, Silky Slim rubs his hands with glee. “Good thing Smart Alex sent me to follow that dude. He had a feeling that dummy would blow it. Hmm. He forgot the solid gold gum wrapper, daisy, rock and beer can. I think I'll collect a few souvenirs!” He picks them up, and starts to leave, then stops. “Wait a minute. Isn't that St. John's house we were right in front of? I wonder where he ran off to then? Oh well…”
Not too long of a time later, Allen is back. “Where did that guy move his house to? Oh, here it is. The one with the golden trash can.” He beats on the door. “Hey! Ho! Open up! Wow! You in there! Hello, hello, hello!”
St. John opens the door again. “What? Are the Huns sacking the town? Oh, it's you again. Calm down before you find out why Jesus nick-named me Son of Thunder! Now get in here before the riot squad shows up.”
“You tricked me!”
“I did? How?”
“Quite easily. I mean, I asked you to give me the most valuable thing in the world, and you gave me this touchstone. Now I found out that you have something much more valuable, and I want it!”
“Oh, so that's it. My son, if you will recall, you asked me specifically for that touchstone. If, however, you want the most valuable thing in the world, or out of it for that matter, then I will be happy to do so. The first thing you must do, is get rid of that touchstone.”
“Get rid of it? You mean throw it away?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Oh, all right.” He tosses it back into the gold trash can. “Now what?”
“To learn of the most important thing in the world, I must introduce you to my Gospel.” He pulls out a scroll.
“Is a Gospel the wife of an Epistle?”
St. John looks to heaven. “Oh, Lord, wasn't Simon Peter enough? Not quite. Gospel means good news. And this is the good news of the reconciliation…”
“The what?”
“The peace making between God and mankind. This is the offer of forgiveness of all sins through the death and resurrection of Jesus, the Uniquely Begotten Eternal Son of the Living God. Much more important than any gold. To quote my friend Mark's Gospel: ‘For what shall it profit a man to gain the whole world and lose his own soul‘?"
“That's certainly true. Is that the kind of thing in this book? Then yes, that is more important. I guess you better tell me about that.”
“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that all who believe in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life. And what is it that God has said? That He has given us eternal life, and that this life is in His Son...."
THE TOUCHSTONE
A sign sits in front of a house. From around a corner a very tired looking man, Allen, staggers up and sits to rest by the sign.
“Hoo boy, am I tired. Before my father died, he told me that if I wanted to live happily ever after, I'd have to find the most valuable thing in the world. Unfortunately, he forgot to tell me where to look. Or even what it looks like. I've been looking day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, decade after decade, century after century, millennium after millennium, age after age, eon after… well... o.k., on second thought, maybe not quite that long. But I have looked (points) north, south, east, west, left, right, up, down, in, out, but I can't find it.” He finally notices that he is leaning on a sign. “Oho! What's this?” He reads the sign. " ‘This is the house of the smartest man in the world.’ Hey, maybe he can tell me where to look.“ (knock, knock) “Yoo hoo!”
A man opens the door. “Yes? Can I help you? Oh, I'm so sorry, but I only do face transplants on Tuesdays.”
“You really the smartest man in the world?”
“Yes, I am. Smarticus Alexandrinius. But my friends call me Smart Alex for short.”
“Oho! Then you can probably help me. I'm looking for... uh... looking for... Looking night and day for... can't remember... uh... don't tell me... Uh…”
“If it's your brain you're looking for, I'm afraid that's a hopeless cause.”
“Wait a minute. How can I tell if you really are the smartest man in the world?”
“Take a gander at all of my diplomas.”
“Diplomas?”
“Sure. You do know what diplomas are, don't you?”
“Of course. Diploma's the man who fixa da sink.”
“Didn't you go to school, stupid?”
“Yeah. And I came back stupid, too.”
“Woof! Tell you what I'm going to do. You can ask me any questions on any subject, and I'll answer them.”
“Anything?”
“Anything. That should prove how smart I am.”
“Let's see... How come when it's three o'clock in Baltimore, it's only twelve o'clock in San Jose?”
“That's because the people in Baltimore get up three hours earlier.”
Allen is impressed. “Ah. How does a phone work? How does it turn sound into electricity and back again?”
“You put a quarter in the slot and dial.”
Allen is even more impressed. “Wow. O.K. If you have $100, and I take away all but $10, what do I get?”
“Twenty years in San Quentin Penitentiary.”
“Gee, you're right! You really are the smartest man in the world! And now I remember what I came to you for. Can you tell me where to look to find the most valuable thing in the world?”
“Ah! Now there is a question worth answering. And fortunately for you, I know the answer.”
“You do? Where? Where?”
“You must journey to Ephesus. A friend of mine, St. John the Apostle, lives there. He has the most valuable thing in the world. Furthermore, if you tell him that I sent you, he will give it to you.”
“Hot diggety dog!” He runs off.
Several hours pass.
“Oh, dang, blast, and drat! I left so fast I forgot to ask him where Ephesus is. Aha! What's this sign? "Welcome to Ephesus.”
As he stand s there, two women of the town pass by conversing.
“And that's not all, Esther. When St. John came back down to Patmos Island from Heaven, after Jesus gave him the Revelation, he found a little pebble stuck in his sandal.”
“What's so interesting about that? I get pebbles in my sandals all the time."
“True.’
“All right then, Huldah. Don't keep me in suspense. What is so all fired special about this pebble?”
“Since it came from Heaven, it's a touchstone!”
“And just what, pray tell, is a touchstone?”
“Well, it's a magical stone, sometimes also called a philosopher's stone. It seems that any non-living thing it touches turns to gold.”
“Really? Wow, that must be a handy thing to have around the house. They walk out of eves dropping range. But Allen has heard enough.
“Oho! Now I know what it is! That magical touchstone thingamajig must be the most valuable thing in the world! Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! Oh. Here we are. St. John's house. (knock, knock) Hey, yoo-hoo! Hello! You in there! (starts pounding) Open up! Hello! Anybody home? Somebody's at the door!”
St. John opens the door. “What's going on out there? Knock off with the battering ram already! Huh? There's only one of you? Where did all the catapults and chariots go?”
“You Saint John?”
“Yes, that's me.”
“Smart Alex sent me.”
“Ah, Smarticus Alexandrinius, my old friend. Come in, come in. How is the dear boy doing lately?”
“Smart as ever.”
“And what does Alex want so desperately, that he sent someone like you all this way?”
“He said that you should give me the touchstone.”
“Really? Hmm. I suppose one as smart as he is must have found a really good use for the silly thing. Very well, you may have it.”
“Where is it?”
“Hmm? Oh. It's over there in that trash can behind you. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a few Epistles to write.” He turns to leave.
“Say, are they called Epistles because they are written by apostles? Or are they Apostles because they write Epistles?”
St. John grimaces; then gains control, and turns back. “Hmm. Why don't you ask Alex about that one when you get back to him?” He enters the house and closes the door.
“Oh boy, oh, boy, oh boy, oh boy!” He runs excitedly to the trash can put out for the garbage man. “I wonder if this is the right one. Hmm. Must be. How many solid gold trash cans can there be in this town?” He digs through the trash like crazy. “Ooh! Is this it? Let me try it on this gum wrapper.” (ping!) “Hot diggety dog! A gold gum wrapper! This is it! Wahoo! Gold rocks! (ping!) A gold daisy! (ping!) A solid gold can of solid gold beer!” (ping!) “Yippee! I'll go buy a garbage truck and make a billion dollars a year in the garbage business! Tee Hee!”
He has been too excited to notice, but Silky Slim has been watching his hyjinks.
“Morning, ugly.”
Allen panics, tries to hide it all. “No! No! It's all mine and you can't have it!”
“Judging by the fact that it fits in your hand, I'd say it was smaller than a bread box. And judging by your face, I'd say that anybody, even with an I.Q. of thirty below zero, can use it.”
“Ooh! How did he know that it doesn't take any brains to use the touchstone?”
“In fact, sucker, I'd gather from the above, that you have a touchstone in your possession.”
“Gasp! How did he know that?”
“Silky Slim knows all the angles.”
“Oh, you're an arithmetic teacher, huh?”
“Silky Slim has an eye for figures, always gets his percentage, and his nose always smells out all matters of profit and interest.”
“Hmm. I wonder if he knows that a touchstone turns all it touches into gold?”
“In fact, just to give you an example of how on top of everything I am, my man, I will clue you in to the news that a touchstone turns every inanimate object it touches into gold.”
“Good grief! How did you know that?”
“Silky Slim knows all the scoop, turkey! Besides, where else this side of Beverly Hills would you find a solid gold gum wrapper? And not even Milwaukee makes cans of solid gold beer! Where did you get it, chump?”
“From St. John the Epistle who writes the Apostles.”
“St. John the Epistle writes Apostles to the Epistles?”
“No, St. John the Apostle writes the Apostles Epistles.”
“Epistles to Apostles are Apostles' Epistles?”
“Apostles' Epistles are Epistles of Apostles.”
“Now let's see if I got this straight. St. John the Apostle writes Epistles to the Apostles. I'm glad that's settled. And here all this time I had thought an Epistle was the wife of an Apostle. Let's try again, turkey. How did you get possession of this touchstone?”
“Smart Alex told me that if I was to ask St. John for it in his name, St. John would give me the most valuable thing in the world. So he gave me this. Here.” (ping!)
“You jive turkey! Look what you did to my watch!”
“You don't like that?”
“No! Now the whole watch is gold, including the glass window. Now I can't see what gold numbers the gold hands are pointing to. Oh, well. So tell me, Turkey, where did John have this mystical marble stashed away?”
“In a trash can.”
“A trash can? Wait a minute!”
“Huh?”
“You dummy! Don't you realize what that means?”
“No?”
“If it was in his trash can, then he just threw it away. If he could just throw it away, then he must have something so valuable that it makes a touchstone worthless by comparison!”
“But how is that possible? How can something be more valuable than a touchstone? It turns stuff into gold!”
“I realize that this is asking a lot, but use your head, sucker! Gold is so valuable because it's so rare. If you go running around with that touchstone thing turning all the world's trash into gold, it won't be rare any more. Gold will be worthless. Everybody would have to switch to something else for money, like rutabagas. You have been suckered, sucker!”
Allen gets angry. “Ooh, you're right! That Apostolic Epistle pusher tricked me. I'll go back and get the most valuable thing from him or my name ain't... uh... my name ain't...uh... Oh drat. I forgot what my name is.”
“It's Allen, you dingbat!”
“Really? I didn't know my middle initial was a U. What does it stand for?”
“Never mind. Just get going.”
“Oh, yeah.“
As Allen runs off, Silky Slim rubs his hands with glee. “Good thing Smart Alex sent me to follow that dude. He had a feeling that dummy would blow it. Hmm. He forgot the solid gold gum wrapper, daisy, rock and beer can. I think I'll collect a few souvenirs!” He picks them up, and starts to leave, then stops. “Wait a minute. Isn't that St. John's house we were right in front of? I wonder where he ran off to then? Oh well…”
Not too long of a time later, Allen is back. “Where did that guy move his house to? Oh, here it is. The one with the golden trash can.” He beats on the door. “Hey! Ho! Open up! Wow! You in there! Hello, hello, hello!”
St. John opens the door again. “What? Are the Huns sacking the town? Oh, it's you again. Calm down before you find out why Jesus nick-named me Son of Thunder! Now get in here before the riot squad shows up.”
“You tricked me!”
“I did? How?”
“Quite easily. I mean, I asked you to give me the most valuable thing in the world, and you gave me this touchstone. Now I found out that you have something much more valuable, and I want it!”
“Oh, so that's it. My son, if you will recall, you asked me specifically for that touchstone. If, however, you want the most valuable thing in the world, or out of it for that matter, then I will be happy to do so. The first thing you must do, is get rid of that touchstone.”
“Get rid of it? You mean throw it away?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Oh, all right.” He tosses it back into the gold trash can. “Now what?”
“To learn of the most important thing in the world, I must introduce you to my Gospel.” He pulls out a scroll.
“Is a Gospel the wife of an Epistle?”
St. John looks to heaven. “Oh, Lord, wasn't Simon Peter enough? Not quite. Gospel means good news. And this is the good news of the reconciliation…”
“The what?”
“The peace making between God and mankind. This is the offer of forgiveness of all sins through the death and resurrection of Jesus, the Uniquely Begotten Eternal Son of the Living God. Much more important than any gold. To quote my friend Mark's Gospel: ‘For what shall it profit a man to gain the whole world and lose his own soul‘?"
“That's certainly true. Is that the kind of thing in this book? Then yes, that is more important. I guess you better tell me about that.”
“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that all who believe in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life. And what is it that God has said? That He has given us eternal life, and that this life is in His Son...."
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