Another of my plays I wrote and performed in the mid-70's.
THE SECRET WEAPON
One sad, sorry day in ancient Israel, Diblaim, an ordinary enough Hebrew is found complaining as he walks the road by his house near Lo-Debar. “Ooh, I hate that nasty Gaash the Philistine!"
His friend Eliam sighs. “What did he do this time?”
“I built this lovely booth for the Tabernacles holidays next week. It was a real work of art, I tell you! If our ancestors had dwelt in tents like this when they were in the desert, they never would have left the desert to come here. It had everything. Pomegranates, apples, grapes, figs and apricots hanging from the ceiling, donkey powered palm frond fans, jasmine and cedar scent sprays, pine needle mattresses, and 4 hot and cold running slave girls to see to my every whim.”
“The deluxe model for sure! So what happened?”
“So what happened? I’ll tell you what happened! Gaash came over, and he huffed, and he puffed, and blew my booth down. He then ate all the fruit, grabbed the 2 prettiest slave girls, loaded them on the donkey, and rode off back to his house.”
“A disaster of the first magnitude! So what are you going to do?”
“I have no idea. I don't know what I can do?”
“I have an idea. I was reading in the Tenakh… (he pulls out a Hebrew Old Testament.) just the other day about how Good King David defeated Goliath the Philistine giant with a sling and a pebble. You know how to use a sling, don't you?”
“Sure. I'm a dead shot with one of those.”
“So go shoot him dead.”
Diblaim exits toward the direction of Gaash‘s house, casually loading his sling. Eliam calmly reads in the Tenakh. Then he hears loud crashes, followed by yells of pain. Diblaim returns. Eliam stops reading and looks at him. “So how did it go?”
Diblaim opens his mouth and pulls out the sling, then reaches behind his ear, and with a loud pop, pulls out the stone.
Eliam strokes his beard. “Oh. Not so hot, huh?”
“No, it didn't work at all.”
“It's just as well. I was reading the Tenakh while you were gone, and I found an even better answer. King David, bless his heart, only fought the one Philistine with that sling. But Samson fought and killed 1,000 Philistines with the jawbone of a donkey.”
Diblaim is confused. “So you want me to hit him with your jaw?”
“No. You remember old man Heldai's donkey died last year?”
“Oh, yeah. It’s nothing but a skeleton now. I'll go get the jawbone and go demolish Gaash.” He runs off happily.
Eliam scrolls through his Tenakh. As he does he mutters to himself. “You know, this Tenakh is just replete with good ideas. Here's one where Shamgar beat the Philistines by killing 300 of them with an ox goad.”
He hears a series of loud crashes and shrieks. Then after a few minutes, Diblaim returns with bandages wrapped around his head.
“So mister smarty pants, what now?”
“I have another plan. It says here that Shamgar killed 300 Philistines with an ox goad.”
“An ox goad. And just what, pray tell, is an ox goad?”
“You are in luck. Stay here.“ He goes into his house, and returns. “See? It's a pointy stick you use to get cattle moving.”
“So get moving.”
“Me? Why me?”
“Because it's your plan, and your ox goad, that's why. If it's such a red hot plan, you do it.”
“All right. I'll show you how it's done. Here, hold my Tenakh for me.”
“And since I am not so confident in this plan, I'll stay here with the Tenakh to look for another plan.”
Eliam walks off, swinging the ox goad experimentally. Diblaim reads.
“Say, I found something already. It says Samson killed more Philistines by pushing the pillars of Dagon's temple over so the roof fell in, than he did in his whole career. Yeah! That's the answer. I'll sneak into Gaash's house, push over the main pillars, so the roof falls in on Gaash.” He reads farther, to the accompaniment of crashes and yells.. "And so Samson died with the Philistines." He stops. Oddly so do the screams of pain. He shrugs. “Ah, the pillars are probably glued in place too tightly, anyway.”
Eliam walks up with his right arm in a sling. “Well, I came this close to winning.”
“And I know how you can get even closer. Look here. Ehud of Benjamin was left handed. So when he pulled out a hidden knife with his left hand, Eglon the Moabite was surprised and killed with no problem. Hide a knife in your sling, and you got him.”
You know, that actually sounds good. No one would expect me to have a dagger hidden in the sling for me to use left handed. Here goes.”
He leaves. Soon Diblaim hears crash, bang ouch! Eliam comes back with both arms in slings.
Diblaim is dumbfounded. “Now how could that possibly not work?”
“Gaash is left handed, too, you nebbish!”
“So sue me.”
“Don't tempt me.”
“Well, I have the answer.”
“And should I want to hear it?”
“Joshua beat the 5 Amorite kings at Gibeon, when God dropped hailstones on the 5 enemy armies.”
Eliam looks at the skies, and doesn‘t even see a cloud. “And just how does that fascinating bit of trivia fit into this discussion?”
“You remember last winter?”
“Do I? Coldest winter in 50 years! Only time this century it snowed here.”
“Ah, but I didn't waste the snow. I put some in my freezer so I could make snow cones this summer. Hot as it is I would have used them up by now only I forgot it was in there. So what I'm going to do is climb up on his roof. You go ring the bell, and when he steps out to answer; pow! What do you think of that?”
“It might work, at that. Why would anybody in their right mind expect to be bombed with ice balls on a hot summer's day?”
They exit. After a few minutes, a sound is heard. “Ding, dong.” This is rapidly followed by “Crash, bang, smash, boom, kapow!” Both come back to the road with both arms in slings and both heads bandaged.
Eliam mutters at the top of his lungs. “Snow balls in July, he says. You'll surprise him like crazy, he says. He was surprised all right. The last thing he expected was to see you on the roof dump water all over me!"
“Was it my fault they all melted on the way down?”
“No, but is was your fault that you missed him and hit me with all of them!”
Diblaim grabs the Tenakh. “Give me that Tenakh. I think we're missing something.” He reads for a few minutes. “Aha!”
“Aha what?”
Diblaim reads farther. “Yes!”
“Yes what?”
“I was right!”
“About what? What are you trying to do? Kill me with suspense so that Gaash is saved the effort?”
“I found just what we were looking for.”
“So what is it? Stainless steel tennis balls? Catapults shooting canisters of ketchup gas because we are all out of mustard gas? Plutonium Powered Whoopie Cushions?”
“No. The secret weapon isn't a weapon at all!”
“Did those snow balls freeze dry your brain cells or something?”
“No. What I mean is that every one of these guys was a prayer warrior before they went into combat. They prayed mightily, and God gave them the victory using whatever happened to be laying around.”
“Really?” He looks over Diblaim's shoulder, and reads. “You're right. So what do we do now?”
“We get on our knees and pray.”
“OK. My knees are about the only bones I have that aren’t broken.”
“Oh God. You have seen how Gaash the Philistine has been treating us cruelly. You see how nothing we have done has been of any effect…”
“Except to get us even more cruelly treated.”
“Thus we come to you in humble acknowledgment of our sins, and our stupidity…”
“Especially his.”
“Do you mind? ...our stupidity in trying to do it all on our own insignificant strength.”
“Well, I've been sick lately.”
“Thus we come to you and humbly beseech your aid, amen.”
“Humbly beseech. I like that. Now what.”
“Now we go forth, trusting God to give us the victory.”
“What weapons do we take with us?”
“None. He will provide."
They march off together. The try to march arm in arm, but the slings on their arms prevent that. They come to Gaash’s house and ring the bell. Nothing happens. They ring it again. There is total silence.
Eliam complains. “Well, where is he?”
“I don't know . What's this?”
“What’s what?”
“It's a note.”
“What’s it say?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t read it yet.”
“So read it, already.”
"Dear Israeli Guys, Sorry I can't stay to beat you up anymore, but I just got this sudden urge to go sail the Black Sea to see who I can beat up there. I'm leaving the girls and donkey behind as I like to travel light. Yours truly, Gaash the Philistine.”
“Well whadda you know? Such a coincidence.”
“Yeah, that is quite a coincidence, isn't it?”
Lightning flashes, thunder crashes. A voice from the sky calls out. “WHAT COINCIDENCE?” It thunders again.
Diblaim and Eliam both cower in fear. “Oops!”
THE SECRET WEAPON
One sad, sorry day in ancient Israel, Diblaim, an ordinary enough Hebrew is found complaining as he walks the road by his house near Lo-Debar. “Ooh, I hate that nasty Gaash the Philistine!"
His friend Eliam sighs. “What did he do this time?”
“I built this lovely booth for the Tabernacles holidays next week. It was a real work of art, I tell you! If our ancestors had dwelt in tents like this when they were in the desert, they never would have left the desert to come here. It had everything. Pomegranates, apples, grapes, figs and apricots hanging from the ceiling, donkey powered palm frond fans, jasmine and cedar scent sprays, pine needle mattresses, and 4 hot and cold running slave girls to see to my every whim.”
“The deluxe model for sure! So what happened?”
“So what happened? I’ll tell you what happened! Gaash came over, and he huffed, and he puffed, and blew my booth down. He then ate all the fruit, grabbed the 2 prettiest slave girls, loaded them on the donkey, and rode off back to his house.”
“A disaster of the first magnitude! So what are you going to do?”
“I have no idea. I don't know what I can do?”
“I have an idea. I was reading in the Tenakh… (he pulls out a Hebrew Old Testament.) just the other day about how Good King David defeated Goliath the Philistine giant with a sling and a pebble. You know how to use a sling, don't you?”
“Sure. I'm a dead shot with one of those.”
“So go shoot him dead.”
Diblaim exits toward the direction of Gaash‘s house, casually loading his sling. Eliam calmly reads in the Tenakh. Then he hears loud crashes, followed by yells of pain. Diblaim returns. Eliam stops reading and looks at him. “So how did it go?”
Diblaim opens his mouth and pulls out the sling, then reaches behind his ear, and with a loud pop, pulls out the stone.
Eliam strokes his beard. “Oh. Not so hot, huh?”
“No, it didn't work at all.”
“It's just as well. I was reading the Tenakh while you were gone, and I found an even better answer. King David, bless his heart, only fought the one Philistine with that sling. But Samson fought and killed 1,000 Philistines with the jawbone of a donkey.”
Diblaim is confused. “So you want me to hit him with your jaw?”
“No. You remember old man Heldai's donkey died last year?”
“Oh, yeah. It’s nothing but a skeleton now. I'll go get the jawbone and go demolish Gaash.” He runs off happily.
Eliam scrolls through his Tenakh. As he does he mutters to himself. “You know, this Tenakh is just replete with good ideas. Here's one where Shamgar beat the Philistines by killing 300 of them with an ox goad.”
He hears a series of loud crashes and shrieks. Then after a few minutes, Diblaim returns with bandages wrapped around his head.
“So mister smarty pants, what now?”
“I have another plan. It says here that Shamgar killed 300 Philistines with an ox goad.”
“An ox goad. And just what, pray tell, is an ox goad?”
“You are in luck. Stay here.“ He goes into his house, and returns. “See? It's a pointy stick you use to get cattle moving.”
“So get moving.”
“Me? Why me?”
“Because it's your plan, and your ox goad, that's why. If it's such a red hot plan, you do it.”
“All right. I'll show you how it's done. Here, hold my Tenakh for me.”
“And since I am not so confident in this plan, I'll stay here with the Tenakh to look for another plan.”
Eliam walks off, swinging the ox goad experimentally. Diblaim reads.
“Say, I found something already. It says Samson killed more Philistines by pushing the pillars of Dagon's temple over so the roof fell in, than he did in his whole career. Yeah! That's the answer. I'll sneak into Gaash's house, push over the main pillars, so the roof falls in on Gaash.” He reads farther, to the accompaniment of crashes and yells.. "And so Samson died with the Philistines." He stops. Oddly so do the screams of pain. He shrugs. “Ah, the pillars are probably glued in place too tightly, anyway.”
Eliam walks up with his right arm in a sling. “Well, I came this close to winning.”
“And I know how you can get even closer. Look here. Ehud of Benjamin was left handed. So when he pulled out a hidden knife with his left hand, Eglon the Moabite was surprised and killed with no problem. Hide a knife in your sling, and you got him.”
You know, that actually sounds good. No one would expect me to have a dagger hidden in the sling for me to use left handed. Here goes.”
He leaves. Soon Diblaim hears crash, bang ouch! Eliam comes back with both arms in slings.
Diblaim is dumbfounded. “Now how could that possibly not work?”
“Gaash is left handed, too, you nebbish!”
“So sue me.”
“Don't tempt me.”
“Well, I have the answer.”
“And should I want to hear it?”
“Joshua beat the 5 Amorite kings at Gibeon, when God dropped hailstones on the 5 enemy armies.”
Eliam looks at the skies, and doesn‘t even see a cloud. “And just how does that fascinating bit of trivia fit into this discussion?”
“You remember last winter?”
“Do I? Coldest winter in 50 years! Only time this century it snowed here.”
“Ah, but I didn't waste the snow. I put some in my freezer so I could make snow cones this summer. Hot as it is I would have used them up by now only I forgot it was in there. So what I'm going to do is climb up on his roof. You go ring the bell, and when he steps out to answer; pow! What do you think of that?”
“It might work, at that. Why would anybody in their right mind expect to be bombed with ice balls on a hot summer's day?”
They exit. After a few minutes, a sound is heard. “Ding, dong.” This is rapidly followed by “Crash, bang, smash, boom, kapow!” Both come back to the road with both arms in slings and both heads bandaged.
Eliam mutters at the top of his lungs. “Snow balls in July, he says. You'll surprise him like crazy, he says. He was surprised all right. The last thing he expected was to see you on the roof dump water all over me!"
“Was it my fault they all melted on the way down?”
“No, but is was your fault that you missed him and hit me with all of them!”
Diblaim grabs the Tenakh. “Give me that Tenakh. I think we're missing something.” He reads for a few minutes. “Aha!”
“Aha what?”
Diblaim reads farther. “Yes!”
“Yes what?”
“I was right!”
“About what? What are you trying to do? Kill me with suspense so that Gaash is saved the effort?”
“I found just what we were looking for.”
“So what is it? Stainless steel tennis balls? Catapults shooting canisters of ketchup gas because we are all out of mustard gas? Plutonium Powered Whoopie Cushions?”
“No. The secret weapon isn't a weapon at all!”
“Did those snow balls freeze dry your brain cells or something?”
“No. What I mean is that every one of these guys was a prayer warrior before they went into combat. They prayed mightily, and God gave them the victory using whatever happened to be laying around.”
“Really?” He looks over Diblaim's shoulder, and reads. “You're right. So what do we do now?”
“We get on our knees and pray.”
“OK. My knees are about the only bones I have that aren’t broken.”
“Oh God. You have seen how Gaash the Philistine has been treating us cruelly. You see how nothing we have done has been of any effect…”
“Except to get us even more cruelly treated.”
“Thus we come to you in humble acknowledgment of our sins, and our stupidity…”
“Especially his.”
“Do you mind? ...our stupidity in trying to do it all on our own insignificant strength.”
“Well, I've been sick lately.”
“Thus we come to you and humbly beseech your aid, amen.”
“Humbly beseech. I like that. Now what.”
“Now we go forth, trusting God to give us the victory.”
“What weapons do we take with us?”
“None. He will provide."
They march off together. The try to march arm in arm, but the slings on their arms prevent that. They come to Gaash’s house and ring the bell. Nothing happens. They ring it again. There is total silence.
Eliam complains. “Well, where is he?”
“I don't know . What's this?”
“What’s what?”
“It's a note.”
“What’s it say?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t read it yet.”
“So read it, already.”
"Dear Israeli Guys, Sorry I can't stay to beat you up anymore, but I just got this sudden urge to go sail the Black Sea to see who I can beat up there. I'm leaving the girls and donkey behind as I like to travel light. Yours truly, Gaash the Philistine.”
“Well whadda you know? Such a coincidence.”
“Yeah, that is quite a coincidence, isn't it?”
Lightning flashes, thunder crashes. A voice from the sky calls out. “WHAT COINCIDENCE?” It thunders again.
Diblaim and Eliam both cower in fear. “Oops!”
Last edited:
