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the Lord and my life...:)

Well I have a lot to say and I don’t know if i will get to say all of it. I just want to give all praises to the Lord, God Almighty. He deserves all praise even though we don't give Him even half of what He deserves. Well I don’t even know where to start.

I have always known about Christ, but I haven't always had a relationship with Him. around November a friend of mine named Julia gave me a call from Tennessee and told me about her life, her walk with the Lord and how she's so on fire for Him. It was that time when I was kind of down spiritually and needed upraising, or recharging. Whatever. But she told me how a prophet opened to her that she'll also become a prophet. And that got me all excited. She’s half a year younger than me but so on fire for the Lord; usually it was I that was always a "role model" being the oldest from all my friends. I was really excited for her and it got me thinking about my spiritual condition. I wanted the Lord to use me also so I decided to get closer with Him. Well it was a time when I started questioning God about the Holy Spirit. I was searching for answers. It was really amazing how He gave them. But that around November time was when I started searching for the real God and to actually have Him use me.

Well I wasn’t sure what to believe anymore. I was raised one way and then I had other ideas that contradicted how I was raised. Well I gave it all to the Lord and He took care of it. Well as I was saying, I was praying a lot for answers to all my questions about the Holy Spirit and the gifts and all. Well the Lord answered my prayers not too long after I asked. In the mail, my brother received a book called, The Walk of the Spirit, the Walk of Power, the Vital Role of Praying in Tongues by Dave Roberson. I was all shocked; it was a total answer to my prayer. I just glanced through it and knew that it was the answer. I didn’t get to read it until later.

Well I started receiving answers and I was really into the Lord and all, but as always, when you do things by the flesh, without the Lord, you fail. As soon as Christmas/winter vacation started, I got so involved in holiday preparations and doing my book report for school, I didn’t have time for the Lord. I didn’t even enjoy the holidays as I was supposed to. I wasn’t focusing on the Lord at all. I guess this was December. That’s when I got really depressed. I had problems with family and friends and all and I was planning on just moving out as soon as I turned 18; probably to go to Bible College in Texas. Well God had His own plans. I was really upset about a lot of things and anything angered me and I don’t know…it was bad. I was mad at the church I have to attend. It’s so religious and I hate all the pathetic rules and I have no choice but to go. And the rules about baptism are bad and I was mad at the world. Well despite the fact that I was depressed, I was semi in the right mind. I decided to attend the New Year’s party at one of my good friend’s house. I don’t even know why I went, but it was the Lord’s will. We ate, met New Years in prayer and watched The Phantom of the Opera again. It was a good movie! Well afterwards I helped the host clean the kitchen up a bit and we got to talking about my life and stuff. I was really surprised I opened up so much. I don’t tell people the things that are on my heart. Well I told her everything, about all the problems in the family, and in life in general. So I guess she understood why I act the way I do sometimes. But it felt good to talk it all out. Then we were playing games and I hit the bed early because I was irritated at a couple of them again. As I said, little things got me down. I went to sleep at 5:00 and yea, I got my five hours of sleep so I wouldn’t sleep at church.

Well anyways, the next morning, around 12:00 we got up and got ready for church. I was irritated still and just something triggered it and I couldn’t help it. I wanted so bad to cry but I didn’t allow myself to do it. I was about to break down though. Well I came to church and started telling that same girl what was on my heart. I was out of my mind. It was so not me, it was weird. I was just so broken up inside. I started saying how I don’t think I will go to church anymore. And how I might not even make it to heaven so it’s not even worth trying and all that. This was January first. What a day to start a new year! And before that I totally hated myself because I wanted to come closer to the Lord, but I couldn’t force myself to do it and I didn’t know then to give it all to the Lord to do it for you. Well I guess I was pushing too hard on myself but still I couldn’t stand the fact knowing that I can’t force myself to read the Bible even if I wanted to. It really bugged me and yea….well I decided to start over in the new year and just do it all again. Start reading the Bible and praying. Amazingly during service I actually learned something. Usually I leave frustrated because they just teach the law, about what to do and not do, and all that. It irritates me. But yea…and that day I started reading the Bible and praying. I spent some time in my prayer closet and it was great. I felt so free from everything and it was good. Well I was still having trouble with friends. That night was the first night that Max and Nat, my older brother and sister, went to the prayer group and I heard all about it.

On the second of January, I also went to the prayer group with them. It was really amazing. God totally changed me that day. He gave me happiness and just reassured me that everything will be fine. I had a prophecy through Anna, a girl of 17 with that gift. Well I was really down, and it’s hard for me to cry, but like on Jan. first, I was bawling my eyes out again. It felt good though. I wanted to talk with the Lord and He spoke to me through Anna. I was rather surprised because it was the second prophecy I have received in my life. Well the Lord told me that I had to go through all that trouble, trouble at home and with friends, just so I will be at that prayer and be closer to Him. I have to agree with that one. But I was also having trouble with my future. I didn’t know what to do. I graduate this year at fifteen and then I have two years till I’m 18. And I planned on moving out as I mentioned earlier. Jesus reassured me that He has my life in His hand and He’ll take care of it. It was really good. He also opened more up, but that’s a different story. I was happy though. He gave me joy that I haven’t experienced before.

That was Monday. The following Saturday I went to that prayer group again. I was feeling kind of down for some reason. The whole time there everyone around me was worshiping the Lord, praising His name and everyone was happy. I felt really sad and I don’t know, I just didn’t feel that joy and I felt left out. The whole time I prayed about it that I will get filled with the Holy Spirit and feel that joy. Before they had the last prayer, they asked what to pray for. I started saying to pray for me, but Roman, another guy there, said to praise the Lord. So they agreed and we got down on our knees to praise Him. I reluctantly agreed. I started praising the Lord but for some odd reason, again I was praying about my situation. I was desperate. I didn’t want to leave that place unfilled. That’s how all the other prayers are and I don’t want that, I don’t need that. I need the Lord and His Presence. Well the last prayer ended and I was empty. I was practically crying. I was just wondering why I have to be so different. Why the Lord isn’t filling me up like He has filled everyone else. I felt as though Jesus has gone on past me and forgot about me altogether.

I was just sitting there after prayer sulking away I guess. I was thinking/reading the Bible. And I was alone in the room besides Roman. He was sitting across from me on the other couch. I don’t know why, but I glanced at him and when I did he asked me what I have on my heart. I didn’t want to tell him. I didn’t want to disturb their joy with my gloomity. So for a minute or so I didn’t say anything. Then I just felt the tears break through and start coming down. I just said, “I need more of God” and broke down crying. Roman then started telling me everything that I was thinking, everything that was on my heart. I was shocked. The more he said, the harder I cried. Finally he stopped and got everyone there to pray for me. I needed and wanted the prayer. They prayed and I still didn’t feel anything, but that didn’t matter, the Lord did His thing. It was after prayer that Roma told me that God put on his heart what I was going through. He felt it and the Holy Spirit opened to him what was on my mind but told him not to say anymore because I wouldn’t stop crying. But He said that I was waiting and waiting and the Lord will reward me for that. And trust me He did. I got in the car to go home and Olga and I were talking about plans for school and this joy just hit me. I was so happy for the rest of the week and longer. It was good! God really does answer prayers and He sees everyone’s hearts and He never leaves anyone behind.

Well I continue to go to the prayer group Tuesday and Saturday nights. There’s also other days. But I’m telling you. God is so good. I’ve never thought I would have this close of a relationship with Him. He’s been opening things up to us like crazy. Many people are against us. People say Anna is from the devil and that we all are lost and should come back to the Russian religious churches. It’s so hard sometimes but the Lord is helping us through. I went to the Generation Unleashed conference in Portland at City Bible Church and that was the best thing I have ever witnessed. It was awesome. My brother Max got changed there and came to the Lord last year. And this year my younger brother also got changed. My friend Randall from school got baptized in the Holy Spirit there. And the worship is awesome. I love that church, that place. My aunts heard the music, and just because of some rock they say it’s from the devil. And my church that I have to attend is so religious and so against Charismaticism. I really don’t care. I am glad the Lord changed me. I can’t help but feel sorry for the people that don’t have joy in their lives. I come to my church and I just see how depressed everyone is, how they don’t have the love in their lives and you have to feel sorry for them. I want to go and pray with all of them, hug them, and tell them the Lord loves them, but they’ll think I’m weird. And stuff. It’s all different. I changed so much. The Lord gave me new friends and they’re the best. I’m telling you, life with the Lord is awesome.

Well now we just still meet up and pray. We’re all from different churches. There are Russians and Americans and others. It’s a mix of everything. The Lord brought us together to do awesome things. We’re all united and connected for the passion and love we have for the Lord. It’s amazing. There are lots of things going on, lots of miracles happening. God is good. And He is pouring out His love on us and hopefully we won’t take advantage of that. But as it was prophesized, we’re going to be changing the neighborhoods, churches, and schools. I’m excited because it has already started happening. I don’t want to brag, but I am suggesting, if you love the Lord, you give 100% to Him, and take Him seriously, He’ll take you seriously. I just want to encourage all of you out there, give 100% to the Lord and pray a lot, especially if you are baptized in the Holy Spirit, pray in tongues as much as you can, trust me, you won’t regret it.

As for now, I don’t know what the Lord has planned for me but I have a lot of dreams. Right now we’re starting a Christian group in our school and I’m so excited about that. I’m looking forward to a great revival in the school. Well I also plan on going to Africa. I don’t know if that’s in the Lord’s book for me but if it is, it’ll work out. I’m just so happy at everything He’s done for me. There’s so much more to say, but I just wrote the basics. I got more in my journal entries, some, if you care. Blessings to you all, I love you all so much!
Your sister in Christ, Tanya
Wow Tanya. Praise the Lord He is an awesome God.

Proverbs 3 : 5,6 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.