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When I was little the subject of God was point blank in my family. I had questions. My family was worried about me, they were concerned and wanted to help me. I was embarrassed I showed my doubts at all, but they always did their best to answer me. Still I was unsettled. My next questions came from my fear. It was the summer before my 6th grade year. I had caught a Back to the Future marathon on T.V. I loved it, but the movie got me thinking about death and to me - a small kid paranoid of everything - it scared me. Of course I knew what death was, but as I actually thought about it I relized that one day everyone I knew would die. I cried the whole night asking myself, what if there is no God? Then I thought about the nothingness death might bring if there indeed were no God. It. Scared. Me. Not to mention all those shootings going on which made me more paranoid and afraid. I decided to tell my parents. Well as I cried to them about how I didn't want my friends and family to die without a Heaven. I kept asking them what if there is no God, no Jesus? They didn't know what exactly to say to settle my fears. They told me I just have to accept it in my head and have the faith that he is real. Faith. Faith. Faith.

Faith to a chance that perhaps he exists?! I pressed on with them trying to make them understand me. Soon they got worried and downtrotten about not being able to answer me and said if I didn't stop they would make me talk with the preacher. Instant silence on my part. I quickly began to plead with them not to do that, that I wouldn't ask anymore. Because talking to a stranger about my problems was Hell on earth for me. I also recall that every single night as I layed down to go to sleep I would pray over and over again the 'sinners prayer' and then the, pray to the Lord my soul to keep, prayer. I was absolutely petrified of Hell and death. I was a nervous wreck half the time, probably over half, actually!

Then the next Sunday at church, I was approached by the pastor's wife, Lenny.

My parents had told on me.

She sat me down and asked me if I belive that Jesus died on the cross for my sins.


What sins? I thought, I mean sure sometimes I lied and was mean to my brother, but is that really worth dying for?

Yes I had said, scared to death of being thrown into Hell and not wanting to take the chance that he might not be real. She smiled and told me that I would need to accept Jesus into my heart today. She prayed with me and then congratulated me. I was worried the whole time because I wanted to tell her I had prayed this prayer over a million times anyway before this, but she seemed so happy, and I was so shy, I didn't mention it. I figured anyhow that maybe it was made offical and real to be saved if a church leader figure was with you. Well I stood up and frowned because I had just then remembered (and now know God had put this to my mind) that memory that popped up into my mind about something my Sunday school teacher had said before about the day you get saved. She had said that when you get saved it'll be the happiest day of your life! The Angels will sing for the return of God's child. What if my wedding day will be the happiest day of my life? Will I have to lie and say today was? I thought and decided I probably would have to.

A while later I was babtized and still nothing. I tried to read the Bible, but it was just a chore I forced myself to do. I was empty.

Fast forward a few years to 8th grade. At that time I was struggling silently with a kind of very depressed spirit. I had hated myself, I hated myself because I had these horrible thoughts all day and everyday that I couldn't stop. They were absolutely wicked thoughts that echoed on AND on in my mind that I didn't even mean. They were the demons, I called them, that I was plagued by. Besides let's face it I wasn't the best of people anyway and I was down right selfish. The fact that I had also started cussing and talking perversely (as a lot of teens do, sadly), did not help with my thoughts. But then my best friend Megan had introduced me to this Christian comedian, Tim Hawkins. He was hilarious. I had began to also gain a new friend, Brook. We had bonded over this comedian. Well as I talked with Brook and even talked more with Lenny I saw that these people were extremely godly. They would just awe me with how they'd talk about God like he was their best friend!

How do you get to be like that? I remember praying that I could be like them someday.

Then my friend Brook had told me to look up one of Tim Hawkins songs "I'm a Christian" and I remember I didn't for a long time and she reminded me again and I felt horrible for forgetting. I don't remember if it was the day she reminded me or some days after, but eventually as I was scrolling through Facebook and all my notifications I remembered and put the song on in the back round as I did so. Sometime into the song it had slowed down and I had thought it ended so I clicked the tab, I didn't really listen too much to it I just passed it off as the typical kind of songs we would sing in church, but I was going to replay it to actually listen this time so I could talk to my friend about the song. But as I hit the tab I had got immediate chills as his voice got more serious and ghost like.

You bet I was paying closer attention now.

"And He walked the streets... with the cross upon His back.. And He took my shame and stood up to the attack. He rose from the dead and now He's standing tall! He faced a million demons. And he rocked them all! I'm a Christian!"

I knew I was hearing the crusification story, but this time it was different from every other time I was told it before. My eyes widened and my heart lifted, he took my shame, and He faced a million demons and He rocked them all, were the things that REALLY hit me. Sure enough I began crying and it was like I was seeing for the first time, Him in all His Glory! Now remember I struggled with the idea that God was even real so I quickly went to Google, smiling so wide as my tears fell, I searched up something along the lines of proof of God and Is God real and it came up with a link to a website called everystudent.com and all I had to do was skim the article and I was hooked, I believed. He rescued me. He showed me His Love. He answered my prayer, I could now see why those people talked about Him like He was their best friend, because He is! And I prayed to God, I confessed my belief and I knew that this time Angels were singing for my return home! I even went into the bathroom to see if I looked overfilled with happiness because that's how I felt! Now of course since then not everyday has been like that, but everyday is always a blessing and lovely because He has forgiven us. I have failed God, I still fail god, but he always picks me right back up again! I've been through a lot of adventures with Him, struggles, most of which due to my own self, but He is gracious and very merciful, all the rest were tests with and through Him, I've been through lots of joy, and many Loving tenderness from The One and Only Son of God, Jesus, my Love, my Savior. ♡♡♡♡♡