Another of my plays I wrote in the '70s. All of the cults mentioned here still exist except the Radio Church of God, which dropped their heresies and became an orthodox Christian church.
THE HOLE
A man is stuck down in a hole in the ground. Jesus is standing to one side of the hole, watching him, but saying nothing.
The man sighs. “I wandered lonely as a cloud, that floats over vales and hills, when all at once I saw a bunch of lovely, golden daffodils. I said to myself, gee, they look nice. And I decided to pluck them, and place them in a vase. But when I left the path, I saw a sign. It said, ‘Keep off the grass.” It was signed “Father and Son Construction Co. Universes made to order in 7 days or less.’ I shrugged my shoulders. I wouldn't be on the grass that long. I took a step and fell into this deep hole, which I hadn't noticed was between me and the daffodils. When I reached the bottom of the hole, I noticed a second sign. It said: ‘I thought I told you to keep off the grass?’ It was also signed by the Father and Son Construction Co. So now I'm stuck down here. Now how do I get out of here?”
Another man walks by on the path, spots the hole and looks in. “Excuse me, but you appear to be down in that hole.”
“Why yes, as a matter of fact I am.”
“You don't want to be down there, do you?”
“No I don't. What can I do about it?”
The man preened himself. “I am Hans Christian Scientist. I can tell you how to free yourself.”
“Really? How?”
“You must come to the realization that your body doesn't exist. The ground doesn't exist, so therefore the hole doesn't exist. You must engage in the power of positive thinking. Every day in every way I'm getting better and better. Once you realize the nonexistent nature of matter, you can walk out of the hole with ease. And that's the hole truth.”
“Well thanks a hole lot. I'll try that. There is no hole. Matter is illusion. I have no body, so it cannot be stuck in a nonexistent hole.” He takes a step foreword and stops abruptly. “I seem to have run into a problem.”
“What's that?”
“I think I just broke my nonexistent nose on a nonexistent rock.”
Hans was annoyed. “Bah! Unbeliever! Or worse than that, wrong believer!” He walks away.
“Well that certainly didn't help very much. Maybe I could try climbing out.” He tries and gets part way up. Another man passing on the path, stops to watch. And the man in the hole falls back down. “Rats! The ground is too sandy. You can't really get a grip on it.”
The spectator nods. “Of course not. That's because of the 4 fold conspiracy.”
The man below looks up, since he hasn’t got anything to look down to. “The 4 fold conspiracy? What's that?”
“1. Religion, 2. Government, 3. Commerce, and 4. Holes. Pastor Ruffles exposed this foul cabal in our magazine the Witchtower back in 1914 when he established the Government That Will Bring Paradise.”
“Really? Then what must I do to escape this hole conspiracy?”
“What you must do is swear allegiance to the New World Order and Chowder Society, then go from door to door selling copies of our free magazine, The Witchtower.”
“But how can I go door to door, if I'm stuck down here in this hole? And say, come to think of it, if your religion is setting up a government to bring paradise via selling magazines and your doctrine is full of holes, doesn't that make you part of the 4 fold conspiracy of religion, commerce, government and holes?”
“Rebellious Heretic! How dare you question the wisdom of the Witchtower Society's Government Board Council? I must hurry to buy a ticket for a front row seat at Armageddon, so I can watch you burn to ashes! Ya ha ha ha!” He runs off.
“Well, wasn't that enlightening. Hmm. You know, I might be able to dig a tunnel out of here.” He tries digging a bit in the wall with his hands. “No that won't work either. As soon as I dig it out more falls down and fills it.”
A Guru walks by on the path, stops and looks down. “Enmeshed in Maya are you?”
“No, just sand and dirt.”
“Then you are very much in need of my enlightening $500 course in Levitation.”
“Levitation? You mean you can teach people how to float in the air?”
“Indeed. Many of my students have gotten as high as 6 inches above the ground.”
“Six inches? That's it?”
“I am planning an advanced course that will take you to an altitude of a foot or more. That one will only run you $1000. But of course you can't take the advanced course until you take the basic course first.”
“Of course. Say, do you give a money back guarantee?”
“Of course not. One as attached to worldly matters like money as you are is too degraded to give me profit... I mean receive profit from my teachings. Have a nice day.” He walks off.
“You know, this has to be the busiest path in town.” A Gypsy lady comes by and hearing a voice, stops. “Seems like everybody and their cousin passes by here.”
A gypsy lady that was passing speaks. “That's because they all come this way to view the lovely daffodils.”
“Oh, hi there. Do you know of a way out of this hole?”
She speaks in a mysterious voice. “The cards know all, see all and tell all.”
“Really? What do the cards say about me?”
“I will see. I shuffle and… The 2 of Spades. I see danger threatening. I can see that you will fall down a hole.”
“But I'm already down in a hole.”
“Which certainly verifies the accuracy of the cards.”
“Hmm. I guess it does at that What else do the cards tell you?”
“The Queen of Clubs. You will meet a dark lady who is unknown to you, who will aid you in your problems.” A policeman walks up silently behind her. “Ten of Diamonds. For a mere $10 she will help you with your problems.”
The policeman speaks up. “Excuse me, but I have a card I would like for you to read.”
“Ah, how tragic. How sad can it get?”
The man in the hole is curious. “Really? What does it say?”
"Go to jail, go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200."
The policeman adds his interpretation of the card. “I can see in your future a long journey up the river for two years for fraud.”
The man in the hole yells up. “Hey! What about me?”
The policeman looks down. “You're right.” He pulls out a pad, writes something and throws down the paper.
“What's this?”
“A ticket for loitering.” He turns to the Gypsy lady. “Come along Zoltanna.” They exit.
“Well, ducky, ducky, ducky! Isn't this just ducky?” Bubba enters, hears the complaining voice and looks down as the man continues his complaint. “What in the name of all that's lovely is giving me a ticket going to do?”
Bubba smiles serenely. “If nothing else, it caused you to complain in a loud and unseemly fashion. As the incipient avatar of the sagacious Bubba, I can tell you that one can never free oneself from the horrors of this life through action, but only through enlightened inaction.”
“Oh incipiently sagacious one. I have three questions. What do incipient and sagacious mean? What is the so enlightening about doing nothing at all? And how will doing nothing get me out of this hole?”
“Ah, noble chela, you have struck to the nub of the matter. Firstly, incipient means potential, and sagacious means wise. Second, every action in this world of misery brings an equal and opposite reaction. If you do nothing, this world can do nothing to you in return. Your third question is the most important one. For if you do nothing, you will soon shuffle off this mortal coil of pain and suffering and die due to starvation and thirst.”
“What? Tell me oh, most enlightened of Bubbas, how will dying of starvation and thirst improve my situation?”
The Moron walks up, and quietly watches the rest of the conversation.
“Your situation will be improved in every way by your dying. In your next birth, you will be born as a person too intelligent to fall into holes through the sensual desire of smelling daffodils. As one in control of his senses, you will have started on the path to Bubbahood. Though looking at you, that shouldn't take more than 700 to 800 more lives. And of course, by politely dying down in that hole, it will make it even easier to bury you. The grave digger will just have to cover you cover you since you have thoughtfully provided the hole. But I must leave you.”
“To take another step toward Bubbahood?”
“Indeed. I am on my way to a Golden State Warriors game.”
“A basketball game? How is watching sports going to enlighten you?”
“Quite easily, my pupil. I have placed a $100 bet on the Golden State Warriors to win. Watching their feeble excuse for playing will simultaneously cure me of attachment to money, sports and gambling. And if I am truly fortunate, I will get food poisoning from the arena's hot dogs.”
“How lucky can you get? I hope you have a rotten day.”
“Why thank you. I certainly hope so.” He leaves.
The Moron speaks. “Yea, I, even I, which is to say me, or myself, couldn't help but overhear your very own conversation, as verily I was eavesdropping mightily.”
“Ah.”
"Verily forsoothe, the one and only, even to say singular and exclusive way to raise your self out of the hole is for your very own self to undergo the sacred secret rites and ceremonies at the Moron Tabernacle.”
“But how can I go to the Moron Tabernacle to undergo these sacred secret ceremonies if I am stuck down here in this hole?”
“Are you verily daring to question the word and even, yea even, the statements of the Moron Elders, Prophets and Priests?”
“No, no, not at all. I'm just wondering how a person stuck in a hole is supposed to perform rites designed to remove oneself from the hole one is in when one has to remove oneself from the hole first to do it?”
“Ah. It is even simplicity even unto itself. All you (which is to say thou or perhaps ye) must perforce perform is to lift thyself hence by your own bootstraps.”
“But I'm wearing sneakers. I don't have any bootstraps.”
“Then yea, stay even there whilst I verily fetch forth from Beehive Boots a pair of Blessed Boots with Kabbalistic Bootstraps, whose designs were not, contrary to rumor, stolen from the Cthonic Lodge, even if they did use them first.” He leaves.
“Verily I think he art nuts in the head.” He hears a sound and calls up. “Oops. Is that you back already?”
“I don't think so, since this is the first time I've been by here. Say, why are you down in that hole?”
“I fell down while trying to pick those daffodils.”
“Didn't pay attention to the signs, eh? That's why the signs are there you know. If I pull you out, you must locate and obey all the signs, even the ones that don't apply to you.”
“Does that mean you are going to help me out of the hole?”
“Not so fast! Are you a person of Anglo Saxon descent?”
“Mmm. No, German on one side and Irish on the other. Why?”
“Oh. Well that's too bad. I'm afraid you can't be helped then.”
“Why ever not?”
“Because if you read all the signs, making sure you read between the lines to find the symbolic values not in the actual wording, and applying our special key to the signs - which you can get from us for free if you make a large enough donation which we won't ask you for - you will learn that the Anglo Saxon peoples are actually Jews who got lost while looking for a rest stop during the Exile. Therefore we can only help them. But you're a foreigner, so ta-ta!” He walks off.
“Who's a foreigner? I was born 3 blocks away!”
Finally Jesus speaks. “Excuse me.”
“Oh. Another one.”
“Would you like to be free from that hole?”
“Of course I'd like to be free of this ridiculous hole.”
“Then I will pull you out.”
“Wait a minute. What do you mean, pull me out?”
“Just what I said. Reach up with your hand. I will grasp it and pull you out.”
“Just like that?”
“Just like that.”
“I don't have to meditate on my navel for 1000 years? Shave my head? Go on a 90 day banana fast?”
“Can't imagine why you'd want to.”
“I don't have to pay wads of money?”
“No.”
“Take a university degree?”
“No. Just trust me. Take my hand.” Jesus leans over and reaches into the hole.
“Ew! Your hand. Its got a big hole in it.”
“Yes, it does. I got it when I first tried to help you.”
“First tried? What do you mean first tried? Didn't you just get here?”
“Why no. I've been here since before you fell into the hole. I'm the one who put up the sign you didn't obey.”
“You did, huh?”
“I foresaw your mishap and have been patiently waiting to help you.”
“You have, huh? “
“Yes. Trust me. Just take my hand, and I will pull you out.”
“You're sure you won't pull me out halfway and drop me?”
“I promise that I will not. I have dropped none that I aid.”
“Well, I'm going to think it over first. You must have some kind of angle. You must be up to something. I'm sure you have a hidden agenda.”
“I don't.” Jesus sighed. “Very well. If you change your mind I will be here.”
“Of course he has motives for offering to help me. He must have. All the others did. You can see that. Can't you? I am right. Aren't I? Though the sun is setting and it is starting to get cold. I have to take my time and think it through first. Don't I?”
THE HOLE
A man is stuck down in a hole in the ground. Jesus is standing to one side of the hole, watching him, but saying nothing.
The man sighs. “I wandered lonely as a cloud, that floats over vales and hills, when all at once I saw a bunch of lovely, golden daffodils. I said to myself, gee, they look nice. And I decided to pluck them, and place them in a vase. But when I left the path, I saw a sign. It said, ‘Keep off the grass.” It was signed “Father and Son Construction Co. Universes made to order in 7 days or less.’ I shrugged my shoulders. I wouldn't be on the grass that long. I took a step and fell into this deep hole, which I hadn't noticed was between me and the daffodils. When I reached the bottom of the hole, I noticed a second sign. It said: ‘I thought I told you to keep off the grass?’ It was also signed by the Father and Son Construction Co. So now I'm stuck down here. Now how do I get out of here?”
Another man walks by on the path, spots the hole and looks in. “Excuse me, but you appear to be down in that hole.”
“Why yes, as a matter of fact I am.”
“You don't want to be down there, do you?”
“No I don't. What can I do about it?”
The man preened himself. “I am Hans Christian Scientist. I can tell you how to free yourself.”
“Really? How?”
“You must come to the realization that your body doesn't exist. The ground doesn't exist, so therefore the hole doesn't exist. You must engage in the power of positive thinking. Every day in every way I'm getting better and better. Once you realize the nonexistent nature of matter, you can walk out of the hole with ease. And that's the hole truth.”
“Well thanks a hole lot. I'll try that. There is no hole. Matter is illusion. I have no body, so it cannot be stuck in a nonexistent hole.” He takes a step foreword and stops abruptly. “I seem to have run into a problem.”
“What's that?”
“I think I just broke my nonexistent nose on a nonexistent rock.”
Hans was annoyed. “Bah! Unbeliever! Or worse than that, wrong believer!” He walks away.
“Well that certainly didn't help very much. Maybe I could try climbing out.” He tries and gets part way up. Another man passing on the path, stops to watch. And the man in the hole falls back down. “Rats! The ground is too sandy. You can't really get a grip on it.”
The spectator nods. “Of course not. That's because of the 4 fold conspiracy.”
The man below looks up, since he hasn’t got anything to look down to. “The 4 fold conspiracy? What's that?”
“1. Religion, 2. Government, 3. Commerce, and 4. Holes. Pastor Ruffles exposed this foul cabal in our magazine the Witchtower back in 1914 when he established the Government That Will Bring Paradise.”
“Really? Then what must I do to escape this hole conspiracy?”
“What you must do is swear allegiance to the New World Order and Chowder Society, then go from door to door selling copies of our free magazine, The Witchtower.”
“But how can I go door to door, if I'm stuck down here in this hole? And say, come to think of it, if your religion is setting up a government to bring paradise via selling magazines and your doctrine is full of holes, doesn't that make you part of the 4 fold conspiracy of religion, commerce, government and holes?”
“Rebellious Heretic! How dare you question the wisdom of the Witchtower Society's Government Board Council? I must hurry to buy a ticket for a front row seat at Armageddon, so I can watch you burn to ashes! Ya ha ha ha!” He runs off.
“Well, wasn't that enlightening. Hmm. You know, I might be able to dig a tunnel out of here.” He tries digging a bit in the wall with his hands. “No that won't work either. As soon as I dig it out more falls down and fills it.”
A Guru walks by on the path, stops and looks down. “Enmeshed in Maya are you?”
“No, just sand and dirt.”
“Then you are very much in need of my enlightening $500 course in Levitation.”
“Levitation? You mean you can teach people how to float in the air?”
“Indeed. Many of my students have gotten as high as 6 inches above the ground.”
“Six inches? That's it?”
“I am planning an advanced course that will take you to an altitude of a foot or more. That one will only run you $1000. But of course you can't take the advanced course until you take the basic course first.”
“Of course. Say, do you give a money back guarantee?”
“Of course not. One as attached to worldly matters like money as you are is too degraded to give me profit... I mean receive profit from my teachings. Have a nice day.” He walks off.
“You know, this has to be the busiest path in town.” A Gypsy lady comes by and hearing a voice, stops. “Seems like everybody and their cousin passes by here.”
A gypsy lady that was passing speaks. “That's because they all come this way to view the lovely daffodils.”
“Oh, hi there. Do you know of a way out of this hole?”
She speaks in a mysterious voice. “The cards know all, see all and tell all.”
“Really? What do the cards say about me?”
“I will see. I shuffle and… The 2 of Spades. I see danger threatening. I can see that you will fall down a hole.”
“But I'm already down in a hole.”
“Which certainly verifies the accuracy of the cards.”
“Hmm. I guess it does at that What else do the cards tell you?”
“The Queen of Clubs. You will meet a dark lady who is unknown to you, who will aid you in your problems.” A policeman walks up silently behind her. “Ten of Diamonds. For a mere $10 she will help you with your problems.”
The policeman speaks up. “Excuse me, but I have a card I would like for you to read.”
“Ah, how tragic. How sad can it get?”
The man in the hole is curious. “Really? What does it say?”
"Go to jail, go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200."
The policeman adds his interpretation of the card. “I can see in your future a long journey up the river for two years for fraud.”
The man in the hole yells up. “Hey! What about me?”
The policeman looks down. “You're right.” He pulls out a pad, writes something and throws down the paper.
“What's this?”
“A ticket for loitering.” He turns to the Gypsy lady. “Come along Zoltanna.” They exit.
“Well, ducky, ducky, ducky! Isn't this just ducky?” Bubba enters, hears the complaining voice and looks down as the man continues his complaint. “What in the name of all that's lovely is giving me a ticket going to do?”
Bubba smiles serenely. “If nothing else, it caused you to complain in a loud and unseemly fashion. As the incipient avatar of the sagacious Bubba, I can tell you that one can never free oneself from the horrors of this life through action, but only through enlightened inaction.”
“Oh incipiently sagacious one. I have three questions. What do incipient and sagacious mean? What is the so enlightening about doing nothing at all? And how will doing nothing get me out of this hole?”
“Ah, noble chela, you have struck to the nub of the matter. Firstly, incipient means potential, and sagacious means wise. Second, every action in this world of misery brings an equal and opposite reaction. If you do nothing, this world can do nothing to you in return. Your third question is the most important one. For if you do nothing, you will soon shuffle off this mortal coil of pain and suffering and die due to starvation and thirst.”
“What? Tell me oh, most enlightened of Bubbas, how will dying of starvation and thirst improve my situation?”
The Moron walks up, and quietly watches the rest of the conversation.
“Your situation will be improved in every way by your dying. In your next birth, you will be born as a person too intelligent to fall into holes through the sensual desire of smelling daffodils. As one in control of his senses, you will have started on the path to Bubbahood. Though looking at you, that shouldn't take more than 700 to 800 more lives. And of course, by politely dying down in that hole, it will make it even easier to bury you. The grave digger will just have to cover you cover you since you have thoughtfully provided the hole. But I must leave you.”
“To take another step toward Bubbahood?”
“Indeed. I am on my way to a Golden State Warriors game.”
“A basketball game? How is watching sports going to enlighten you?”
“Quite easily, my pupil. I have placed a $100 bet on the Golden State Warriors to win. Watching their feeble excuse for playing will simultaneously cure me of attachment to money, sports and gambling. And if I am truly fortunate, I will get food poisoning from the arena's hot dogs.”
“How lucky can you get? I hope you have a rotten day.”
“Why thank you. I certainly hope so.” He leaves.
The Moron speaks. “Yea, I, even I, which is to say me, or myself, couldn't help but overhear your very own conversation, as verily I was eavesdropping mightily.”
“Ah.”
"Verily forsoothe, the one and only, even to say singular and exclusive way to raise your self out of the hole is for your very own self to undergo the sacred secret rites and ceremonies at the Moron Tabernacle.”
“But how can I go to the Moron Tabernacle to undergo these sacred secret ceremonies if I am stuck down here in this hole?”
“Are you verily daring to question the word and even, yea even, the statements of the Moron Elders, Prophets and Priests?”
“No, no, not at all. I'm just wondering how a person stuck in a hole is supposed to perform rites designed to remove oneself from the hole one is in when one has to remove oneself from the hole first to do it?”
“Ah. It is even simplicity even unto itself. All you (which is to say thou or perhaps ye) must perforce perform is to lift thyself hence by your own bootstraps.”
“But I'm wearing sneakers. I don't have any bootstraps.”
“Then yea, stay even there whilst I verily fetch forth from Beehive Boots a pair of Blessed Boots with Kabbalistic Bootstraps, whose designs were not, contrary to rumor, stolen from the Cthonic Lodge, even if they did use them first.” He leaves.
“Verily I think he art nuts in the head.” He hears a sound and calls up. “Oops. Is that you back already?”
“I don't think so, since this is the first time I've been by here. Say, why are you down in that hole?”
“I fell down while trying to pick those daffodils.”
“Didn't pay attention to the signs, eh? That's why the signs are there you know. If I pull you out, you must locate and obey all the signs, even the ones that don't apply to you.”
“Does that mean you are going to help me out of the hole?”
“Not so fast! Are you a person of Anglo Saxon descent?”
“Mmm. No, German on one side and Irish on the other. Why?”
“Oh. Well that's too bad. I'm afraid you can't be helped then.”
“Why ever not?”
“Because if you read all the signs, making sure you read between the lines to find the symbolic values not in the actual wording, and applying our special key to the signs - which you can get from us for free if you make a large enough donation which we won't ask you for - you will learn that the Anglo Saxon peoples are actually Jews who got lost while looking for a rest stop during the Exile. Therefore we can only help them. But you're a foreigner, so ta-ta!” He walks off.
“Who's a foreigner? I was born 3 blocks away!”
Finally Jesus speaks. “Excuse me.”
“Oh. Another one.”
“Would you like to be free from that hole?”
“Of course I'd like to be free of this ridiculous hole.”
“Then I will pull you out.”
“Wait a minute. What do you mean, pull me out?”
“Just what I said. Reach up with your hand. I will grasp it and pull you out.”
“Just like that?”
“Just like that.”
“I don't have to meditate on my navel for 1000 years? Shave my head? Go on a 90 day banana fast?”
“Can't imagine why you'd want to.”
“I don't have to pay wads of money?”
“No.”
“Take a university degree?”
“No. Just trust me. Take my hand.” Jesus leans over and reaches into the hole.
“Ew! Your hand. Its got a big hole in it.”
“Yes, it does. I got it when I first tried to help you.”
“First tried? What do you mean first tried? Didn't you just get here?”
“Why no. I've been here since before you fell into the hole. I'm the one who put up the sign you didn't obey.”
“You did, huh?”
“I foresaw your mishap and have been patiently waiting to help you.”
“You have, huh? “
“Yes. Trust me. Just take my hand, and I will pull you out.”
“You're sure you won't pull me out halfway and drop me?”
“I promise that I will not. I have dropped none that I aid.”
“Well, I'm going to think it over first. You must have some kind of angle. You must be up to something. I'm sure you have a hidden agenda.”
“I don't.” Jesus sighed. “Very well. If you change your mind I will be here.”
“Of course he has motives for offering to help me. He must have. All the others did. You can see that. Can't you? I am right. Aren't I? Though the sun is setting and it is starting to get cold. I have to take my time and think it through first. Don't I?”
