Another of my plays I wrote and did in the '70s.
THE DROWNING MAN
One day as I was passing Chesapeake Bay, idly watching the seagulls playing tag with the crabs, I heard a wild crying.
“Help! Help! I'm drowning! Help!”
“Oh, look! That poor man!” I cried.
A pretty lady came rushing over. “Oh, dear! Whatever can be done?”
The fellow in the water had a suggestion. “You might try rescuing me!”
The logic was correct. “He's right about that. He certainly needs some one to save him.”
The lady was concerned. “But who can do the job? It can't be just anybody. He must have the essential skills and qualifications.”
I hadn’t noticed, but another man had shown up on the other side. He seemed rather depressed. “Not everyone is fully qualified, that's for sure.”
The drowning man wasn’t that picky. “This isn't a job application. I'm not that picky.”
The other fellow pointed. “Ah! Here comes just the one who can save that poor soul.”
The lady agreed. “You're right on target there. If he can't do the job, no one can.”
The drowning man seemed to me to be the impatient sort. “Could you please speed it up a bit? It's getting rather soggy out here.”
I ignored his bad manners and inquired. “Really? And just who is this paragon of virtue that you are pointing at?”
“Don't you recognize him? It's Mr. Humanitarian!”
“Really? How can you tell?”
“By the symbol on his T-shirt: The Bleeding Heart.”
Mr. Humanitarian posed heroically on the beach, showing off his well developed physical endowments. “Have no fear, for I am here! The situation is well in hand!”
But I wasn’t very impressed. “I don't know. He doesn't look all that capable. I mean, who runs around in spandex long underwear and a t-shirt? And that cape is just so last century.”
The lady seemed more impressed. “Oh, I don’t know. He doesn’t look too overdeveloped. Some of those musclemen look just so lumpy.”
The drowning man had another suggestion, that I thought was worthwhile. “You might toss me a line while you debate this. Then, at least I won't float away before you can save me.”
But Mr. Humanitarian had finished preening. “I'm coming now, citizen! Stay right there!” He dove in and swam to the drowning man with impressive strokes that threw water all over.
I will admit that the drowning man didn’t seem too gracious. “Well, at last you're here. Now hurry up and pull me out of here before it's too late!”
There is a saying that you should look before you leap. Admittedly, Mr. Humanitarian (whom I will refer to from now on as Mr. H. to save paper) had already leaped into the Bay. However, it was not too late for him to size up the situation. “I can see with my eagle eye that you are in a miserable condition. The best way to alleviate that problem is to give you a good education.”
The drowning man was confused. “A what?”
Mr. H. handed him a paper. “Here is a full and completely paid for scholarship to Harvard University. It includes courses in Philosophy, Evolution, Relativistic Ethics, Self Esteem. Political Science and Law.”
“Does it include swimming lessons?”
“No. I'm sorry, but we had to cut the gym classes to stick within our budget.”
The drowning man gave a vital news flash. “Going down the first time! Blub, blub, blub.”
MR. H. grabbed him by the collar and pulled him up. “Get back here! I haven't given you the whole package yet. You can't go off to college without a place to live. Here.”
“What's this?”
“The key to your new condo. And in your new closet, you'll find your new clothes. Clothes make the man you know, and yours are just too wrinkled and soggy looking to make a good first impression. In fact, it looks like the colors are starting to run in that outfit.”
“Do the new outfits include a life jacket?”
“No. But how thoughtless of me. Here, stick out your arm.” When he did, Mr. H stuck him with a needle.
The man was concerned. “What's that for?”
“That hypodermic was full of the concentrated antitoxins and antibodies for every disease known to man. Now you are immune to every disease in the world.”
“Will it remove water from my lungs?”
“Only if you have pneumonia.”
“But I don't have pneumonia.”
“Well maybe if you did something to catch it.... I know. One sure way is to float around in cold water for a few hours. Do you think you could stay here another three hours?”
The man seemed rather peeved. “No, I don't. Going under for the second time. Blub, blub, blub.”
I really couldn’t blame Mr. H. for getting petulant at this point. “You are a difficult case!" He reached into the water and pulled him back up again. "Get back up here. I know. Here's some food stamps. A health insurance policy. The keys to your new car.”
The man was curious. “Is it a Volkswagen? I hear that they float pretty good.”
“No, it’s a new state of the art hydrogen car. It burns Hydrogen gas and turns it into water.”
“No, thanks. I think I have enough water out here already. A rowboat or rubber raft would really be better.”
Mr. H. wagged his finger. “Now, now! Those are luxury sport vehicles, and as such are not within our budget. Well, I've done all I can for you. Have a nice day.”
With that he turned and swam back to the shore. He turned to us. “There we are. Another successful intervention.”
I asked. “Successful?”
The lady pouted cutely and pointed. “But he's still out there!”
The other gentleman decided to unhappily sum it up. “He's still going to drown.”
Mr. H. was surprised by this. “Really?” He turned to the man and shouted to him. “Don't worry! I'll have my cryogenics experts freeze your body and then thaw you out when my other scientists find a cure for drowning! I'll go fetch the cryogenic chamber!” With that he ran off.
The other gentleman, put his hands in his pockets and sadly observed. “Oh dear. I do believe he's going down for the third time.”
The poor lady was quite distraught. “It's too late to do anything now, for that poor lost soul!”
I started to hug her, to give her consolation. Perhaps something good would come out of this situation. I reached for my memo pad and a pencil to inquire about her phone number, when I saw something over her shoulder. “Perhaps not! Look!”
The other gentlemen was so excited that he pulled his hands out of his pockets. “Is that really…?”
Oh, yes! It's Godman! The Eternal Superhero!!”
The other gentleman murmured. “I heard He is able to create tall universes in a single week!”
The girl squealed cutely. “Faster than Light!”
“I’ve heard a reliable report that He is even stronger than death!”
Jesus yelled as he ran to the shore. “Fear not! For I have come to give life, and that abundantly!” He dove in and swam to the drowning man.
The other gentleman was really excited now. “Wow! look at Him go!”
The lady was almost swooning with delight. “Boy, He's full of the Power of the Spirit!”
Even I was impressed “He's already got him and is pulling him to shore.”
Once on shore the man turned to the Godman. “How can I ever repay you?”
“Just love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength, and love your neighbor as your self. I must leave now, but don't worry, I'll be back for you.”
As he exited, Mr. Humanitarian came back. “Hey, what are you doing out of the water? Are you trying to ruin my scientists' greatest experiment?”
The no longer drowning man looked at him. “Absolutely not.”
I agreed. “Wouldn't dream of it.”
The other gentleman also agreed. “Never.”
The cute lady raised her fist to the sky and shouted. “Progress must go on!”
We quickly surrounded Mr. Humanitarian, and the men picked him up and threw him into the Bay as the lady waved her hanky prettily.
The no longer drowning man reminded him. “Now remember, stay in there for three hours.”
I supplied the second step. “So you drown of pneumonia.”
The no longer lugubrious man enlarged. “So they can freeze dry you to cure you.”
The lady had a suggestion. “While we go get some freeze dried coffee.”
I heartily agreed. “And frozen yogurt!”
THE DROWNING MAN
One day as I was passing Chesapeake Bay, idly watching the seagulls playing tag with the crabs, I heard a wild crying.
“Help! Help! I'm drowning! Help!”
“Oh, look! That poor man!” I cried.
A pretty lady came rushing over. “Oh, dear! Whatever can be done?”
The fellow in the water had a suggestion. “You might try rescuing me!”
The logic was correct. “He's right about that. He certainly needs some one to save him.”
The lady was concerned. “But who can do the job? It can't be just anybody. He must have the essential skills and qualifications.”
I hadn’t noticed, but another man had shown up on the other side. He seemed rather depressed. “Not everyone is fully qualified, that's for sure.”
The drowning man wasn’t that picky. “This isn't a job application. I'm not that picky.”
The other fellow pointed. “Ah! Here comes just the one who can save that poor soul.”
The lady agreed. “You're right on target there. If he can't do the job, no one can.”
The drowning man seemed to me to be the impatient sort. “Could you please speed it up a bit? It's getting rather soggy out here.”
I ignored his bad manners and inquired. “Really? And just who is this paragon of virtue that you are pointing at?”
“Don't you recognize him? It's Mr. Humanitarian!”
“Really? How can you tell?”
“By the symbol on his T-shirt: The Bleeding Heart.”
Mr. Humanitarian posed heroically on the beach, showing off his well developed physical endowments. “Have no fear, for I am here! The situation is well in hand!”
But I wasn’t very impressed. “I don't know. He doesn't look all that capable. I mean, who runs around in spandex long underwear and a t-shirt? And that cape is just so last century.”
The lady seemed more impressed. “Oh, I don’t know. He doesn’t look too overdeveloped. Some of those musclemen look just so lumpy.”
The drowning man had another suggestion, that I thought was worthwhile. “You might toss me a line while you debate this. Then, at least I won't float away before you can save me.”
But Mr. Humanitarian had finished preening. “I'm coming now, citizen! Stay right there!” He dove in and swam to the drowning man with impressive strokes that threw water all over.
I will admit that the drowning man didn’t seem too gracious. “Well, at last you're here. Now hurry up and pull me out of here before it's too late!”
There is a saying that you should look before you leap. Admittedly, Mr. Humanitarian (whom I will refer to from now on as Mr. H. to save paper) had already leaped into the Bay. However, it was not too late for him to size up the situation. “I can see with my eagle eye that you are in a miserable condition. The best way to alleviate that problem is to give you a good education.”
The drowning man was confused. “A what?”
Mr. H. handed him a paper. “Here is a full and completely paid for scholarship to Harvard University. It includes courses in Philosophy, Evolution, Relativistic Ethics, Self Esteem. Political Science and Law.”
“Does it include swimming lessons?”
“No. I'm sorry, but we had to cut the gym classes to stick within our budget.”
The drowning man gave a vital news flash. “Going down the first time! Blub, blub, blub.”
MR. H. grabbed him by the collar and pulled him up. “Get back here! I haven't given you the whole package yet. You can't go off to college without a place to live. Here.”
“What's this?”
“The key to your new condo. And in your new closet, you'll find your new clothes. Clothes make the man you know, and yours are just too wrinkled and soggy looking to make a good first impression. In fact, it looks like the colors are starting to run in that outfit.”
“Do the new outfits include a life jacket?”
“No. But how thoughtless of me. Here, stick out your arm.” When he did, Mr. H stuck him with a needle.
The man was concerned. “What's that for?”
“That hypodermic was full of the concentrated antitoxins and antibodies for every disease known to man. Now you are immune to every disease in the world.”
“Will it remove water from my lungs?”
“Only if you have pneumonia.”
“But I don't have pneumonia.”
“Well maybe if you did something to catch it.... I know. One sure way is to float around in cold water for a few hours. Do you think you could stay here another three hours?”
The man seemed rather peeved. “No, I don't. Going under for the second time. Blub, blub, blub.”
I really couldn’t blame Mr. H. for getting petulant at this point. “You are a difficult case!" He reached into the water and pulled him back up again. "Get back up here. I know. Here's some food stamps. A health insurance policy. The keys to your new car.”
The man was curious. “Is it a Volkswagen? I hear that they float pretty good.”
“No, it’s a new state of the art hydrogen car. It burns Hydrogen gas and turns it into water.”
“No, thanks. I think I have enough water out here already. A rowboat or rubber raft would really be better.”
Mr. H. wagged his finger. “Now, now! Those are luxury sport vehicles, and as such are not within our budget. Well, I've done all I can for you. Have a nice day.”
With that he turned and swam back to the shore. He turned to us. “There we are. Another successful intervention.”
I asked. “Successful?”
The lady pouted cutely and pointed. “But he's still out there!”
The other gentleman decided to unhappily sum it up. “He's still going to drown.”
Mr. H. was surprised by this. “Really?” He turned to the man and shouted to him. “Don't worry! I'll have my cryogenics experts freeze your body and then thaw you out when my other scientists find a cure for drowning! I'll go fetch the cryogenic chamber!” With that he ran off.
The other gentleman, put his hands in his pockets and sadly observed. “Oh dear. I do believe he's going down for the third time.”
The poor lady was quite distraught. “It's too late to do anything now, for that poor lost soul!”
I started to hug her, to give her consolation. Perhaps something good would come out of this situation. I reached for my memo pad and a pencil to inquire about her phone number, when I saw something over her shoulder. “Perhaps not! Look!”
The other gentlemen was so excited that he pulled his hands out of his pockets. “Is that really…?”
Oh, yes! It's Godman! The Eternal Superhero!!”
The other gentleman murmured. “I heard He is able to create tall universes in a single week!”
The girl squealed cutely. “Faster than Light!”
“I’ve heard a reliable report that He is even stronger than death!”
Jesus yelled as he ran to the shore. “Fear not! For I have come to give life, and that abundantly!” He dove in and swam to the drowning man.
The other gentleman was really excited now. “Wow! look at Him go!”
The lady was almost swooning with delight. “Boy, He's full of the Power of the Spirit!”
Even I was impressed “He's already got him and is pulling him to shore.”
Once on shore the man turned to the Godman. “How can I ever repay you?”
“Just love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength, and love your neighbor as your self. I must leave now, but don't worry, I'll be back for you.”
As he exited, Mr. Humanitarian came back. “Hey, what are you doing out of the water? Are you trying to ruin my scientists' greatest experiment?”
The no longer drowning man looked at him. “Absolutely not.”
I agreed. “Wouldn't dream of it.”
The other gentleman also agreed. “Never.”
The cute lady raised her fist to the sky and shouted. “Progress must go on!”
We quickly surrounded Mr. Humanitarian, and the men picked him up and threw him into the Bay as the lady waved her hanky prettily.
The no longer drowning man reminded him. “Now remember, stay in there for three hours.”
I supplied the second step. “So you drown of pneumonia.”
The no longer lugubrious man enlarged. “So they can freeze dry you to cure you.”
The lady had a suggestion. “While we go get some freeze dried coffee.”
I heartily agreed. “And frozen yogurt!”
