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So disappointed in God, my heart is broken

i have been a Christian most of my life, raised in the church and really came to Christ at 21. It has been an emotionally tough life, was abused pretty bad from childhood from having a mentally ill mother. My father was active in the church, but spent very little time with me. The little time he did spend was abusive verbally and emotionally. He wasn't supportive of my choice for college, and let my mother demand I go to nursing school. I left home soon as I could, and did the best I could. I have prayed for decades that God would bring a good Christian man into my path to share life. It's terribly lonely. I have adult ADD really bad, and everyday is a struggle. I need Love, I need to feel loved and not just be shown words. Being a " sensitive" by nature, different than my family, I have yearned for closeness and real love. I feel like my life has been wasted, and disappointed in Jesus providing the basic needs. Any one else dealt with this?
Staff Member
First welcome to Talk Jesus @Franny1
Always a joy to welcome another Sister in Christ Jesus to this online Community of Believers, even if they're having doubts at the moment.

I don't think there is any of us if we had a choice of what would happen in life, that we'd choose the hand we have been dealt. Even in the "perfect" life that we believe we see in others, we fail to see the same heartache and pain. Some how it all has to be better than the life I have. Why? Because I see people happy, rejoicing, with the things that "I" don't or have never experienced.

Sadly, when we start measuring ourselves against others, we'll always be the loser. Especially, when it's the good that we look at in others. There always seems to be someone who has it easier, at least compared to ourselves. It's because we always seem to see the darkness and pain we are currently going through in our lives, and never in the lives of others that we envy.

As you have seen yourself in your own life. It's not about going to church, because the traditions of man do not change the person inside. Only the Holy Spirit through Jesus Christ will the possibility of being able to create true renewing change of mind and spirit occur. Yet, the examples of those closest to us, have a tendency to tint everything else in our lives. Even to the future years later. As they have with you.

Unless we set Him, our Savior Lord first and foremost in the life we lead. We will never break the chains of our history from the future we can have in Him. For in Jesus, even the darkest of times we won't be disappointed, because whatever we do, we are doing it for Him and though the circumstances seem bleak, we know that it is temporary, compared to the eternity we have to look forward to.

We all fail at times to see this, or even more important, to live it, because the pain & suffering are so acute and hurtful. A almost never ending, repetition of sorrow. Yet, for this very reason He died on that Cross. To break the cycle that we are living, so that we don't have to continue in the darkness, but are able to live in the light of His Amazing Grace.

How do we reconcile the Love so great that brought Him to die on the Cross, with our own pain and suffering?

It's truly by bringing it "all" before him. The deepest darkest thoughts, and feelings that He knows are there, yet have not released to Him. For change to occur we need to be the ones to step out in faith and trust that He will lead us in the way everlasting. For when we come to Him on bended knee, He will answer!

The answer may not change the circumstances that we are in, but the mind that we now only see a hopelessness, will change to a peace in the knowledge that it will work out as He wills, for He is in control. A control we relinquish, that He does know better what is good for us will happen even when we don't know what that may be. He is in control of a tomorrow that we know nothing about, but one that is for our good, because we love Him.

I don't think that anyone here will tell you that all that you have gone through will somehow be found to be better. Rather that in Christ Jesus, you are better for the knowing and following of Him then you'd be otherwise.

I'll be praying for you sister. That truly the peace that goes beyond worldly understanding will be manifested in your life. That the path you are to walk in Jesus Christ will be made clear. In the name of Jesus Christ I pray to the Father in Heaven. Amen

Once again be welcome and know that you are loved.
With the Love of Christ Jesus.
Hey Franny, welcome to Talk Jesus. I am emotionally very sensitive myself and there can be great sorrow and great joy associated with it. I have learned to accept the good with the bad, after all, we are in a fallen world. As to a helpmate, to share our sorrows and our love and to feel love in return, that is not as common as you might think. Many marry for bad reasons, most people dont even understand what love really is. You are certainly better off now, than many who are married, but I understand your pain. We were designed by God to love others and be loved in return, it is our ultimate emotional state, helping us to be at peace in what is sometimes a cruel world. But God understands our loneliness, offering to fill that void we have when we are lacking in love from our fellows. Yet the personal touch of someone who loves us is craved from the time we are born to the death of our bodies. I had to come to accept that I might never meet a woman who truly loved me. I married one woman who said she was a christian and we hit it off, but she was very damaged emotionally and after we married, she began changing after about 6 months and I became 10 times more sad than before due to her pushing me away and doing bad things behind my back. She eventually divorced me, because she didnt want anyone telling her something was wrong about her lifestyle, not even her own husband. I learned that regardless of what I wanted, if I didnt take the time to know someone, I could never trust them to be true in a marriage relationship. About 8 months after she divorced me, I finally gained back my peace and joy, and it was only when I decided it was okay if I never married, that my now wife came into my life. It is only when we are truly surrendered that we can be wise enough to control our emotions more, that we stop becoming a prisoner of them.
Franny, I am sorry for the pain you have experienced in your life. I don't have answers to magically erase your pain, but I do believe that as you learn more and more to rest, rely and believe in the unfathomable love that God has for you, you will be more and more healed and content in Him. Human love will always fail us one way or another, so even if God were to bring you that "special person", it would not fulfill the deepest longing that you have right now. I pray God will tenderly speak to you as you pour your heart out to Him (He can handle it all, don't hold anything back) and that He will begin to heal the deep wounds in your life. He is our healer and I trust that He will bring the resources, books, people, etc. into your life to address the wounds of the past and find release and wholeness. Hmmm...just had a thought as I typed that last sentence. I checked out a book called Healing is a Choice by Stephen Arberturn from my library in the last year and thought it was really good. Might be a good one for you to look into. As the author says, "We cannot heal ourselves but we can make the healing choice to cooperate with God as He heals us."