Hospital
Patient: Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heard once of a doctor who treated a guy for pneumonia and finally he died of typhus.
Doctor: Don't worry, be calm, it won't happen to me.If I treat someone for pneumonia he will die of pnemonia.
I'm not dead, just sleeping.
A hysterical woman badges into the room where her lifeless husbands body lay on the hospital bed.
Woman: Doctor, so my husbands dead!
She burst into tears and falling to the floor.Springing to her feet, she rushes over to his bedside and places her hand on his chest.
Doctor: I'm so sorry, but you have to leave.
Woman: But wait a minute, his EEG is still...
Doctor: It must be an error, your husband had a flat line, leave please.
Woman:Harry, you can't do this to me, how do I take care of six kids?
The body lays lifeless despite the forceful rigorous movements occasioned by her powerful grip unto his neck.
Suddenly, there is a hit on the chest.
Woman: Wake up, please.
Body: ouch! That was hard, woman!
Woman: Harry, i thought you were dead.
Body: Well, its a miracle, you wouldn't let me leave!
Have a squeeze
Among these two brothers, one of them was always going to cry when the the doctor introduced the needle as the only solution. Tom and took his junior brother to the hosital to have a shot.His girlfriend, Rose decided to come along with them.Rose bought some candy to cheer the one who was going to be tearful.
John: Brad, its takes just a second okay, don't cry.
Brad: Yeah, like i'm goning to cry.
Rose: What does he mean?
John: Oh, nothing Rose, you know kids...
John whispers in Brad's ears:No tight squeezies this time, okay.
Brad: Alright.
Doctor appraoches with the needle,raises Brad's shirt up, holds his hand and cleans him with a moist cotton.
John: It won't hurt, here, dive my arm a good squeeze.
Doctor: It'll just take a minute.
Brad: A second!
Doctor: right.
A moment later...
Brad:...
John: Arrr!!!
Rose: Oh my god!
The Lord's Restaurant
A tatteres looking man stumbles into a rstaurant having spent a while gazing at the intriguing title,"The Lord's".
Man:Greetings brethren.
No answer, instead a stern look from the customers and waiters.
Having ordered and eaten, he washes down with a cool bottle of fanta. The waiter arrives with a paper.
Man: What's this?
Waiter: Your bill, sir?
Man: You're joking.I thought you said this was the Lord's restaurant?
Waiter:...
Man: Bill, the Lord doesn't charge, He gives in abundance to the needy and poor.
Coded Numbers
A jokes fan club. All the jokes are catalogued and the old members know their nummbers. Another member says:
-Five.
All laugh.Another member.
-Twenty four.
General laugh. A newbie, first time in one session, saw that's enough tell the number of a joke, decides to try:
-Sixteen!
Absolute silence.Nobody laughs.One of the old members tells him:
-Colleague, dosen't matter the joke, it's important to tell it well.
Backwards
On a narrow mountain road a man sees a police car driving uphill backwards.
-Hi, guys, why are you driving backwards?
-Because we are not sure that we will find a place to make a U-turn at the top of the mountain.
After one hour, the same man sees the police car driving downhill backwards again.
-But guys, why are you driving backwards again?
-We found a place to make a U-turn up there.
Panda!!!
A panda walks right into a bar, goes to the counter and grabs a sandwich.After having eaten, it grabs a gun and shoots the bartender.Then, as though nothing had happened, he walks out.Everyone in the bar is petrified and silent but someone breaks the silence:
-What was that?
-It was a panda!
-???
-Don't you know...it's an animal that eats, shoots and leaves.
Nine O'clock Vampire Call:Child Innocense
Jimmy, a three year-old had always wondered why his mum told him to be in bed by nine. He dared not to be awake for she had always spoke about the man-eaters.
On this particular night, curiosity struck his nerves and he came out to find her in the sitting room.
Jim:Mum...what are you doing not sleeping?
Mum:???
Jim:Aren't you scared of the vampires?
MUM:uh,honey, the vampires said they'll be a little late tonight.
Jim: But how did you now that, you said only a vampire understands the language of another.
Mum:???
Jim:mum?
Baby Talk
A woman is coversing with her sven one year baby, trying to get her to walk to towards where she is-sitted on the couch.
-Come on, take a steppie, walkie, walkie.
-???
-Come to chair, my honey, come, walkie!
All of a sudden, the baby gives a nasty frown.Mum is surprised to see that her baby has shown her first emotion.
-Its walk mum, not walkie.Come to the chair not come to chair.Oh, and there's nothing like steppie!
-???
The truth shall set you free
A notorious criminal had finally been nailed after several attempts to get him to pay for his crime.The case looked to be settled and so the judge asked him to say his final words if any.
The man gets up and stares at the judge right in the eyes:
-I didn't do it! I did not do it!
-The truth has set you free, youre a free man, Thomas.
-Court dismissed!
Confessions
A man confesses his sins
-I don't know how to say this father, but...I committed murder.Will God ever forgive me?
-Who did you kill, son?
-April Goodram.
-What, youre coming with me to the station!
Go to church?
A friend was infront of me coming out of church one day.and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is, to shake hands.He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
Pastor:You need to join the army of the Lord.
Friend:I'm already in the army, pastor!
Pastor:Howcome I don't see you except at christmas and easter?
Friend whispers:I'm in the secret service.
Patient: Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heard once of a doctor who treated a guy for pneumonia and finally he died of typhus.
Doctor: Don't worry, be calm, it won't happen to me.If I treat someone for pneumonia he will die of pnemonia.
I'm not dead, just sleeping.
A hysterical woman badges into the room where her lifeless husbands body lay on the hospital bed.
Woman: Doctor, so my husbands dead!
She burst into tears and falling to the floor.Springing to her feet, she rushes over to his bedside and places her hand on his chest.
Doctor: I'm so sorry, but you have to leave.
Woman: But wait a minute, his EEG is still...
Doctor: It must be an error, your husband had a flat line, leave please.
Woman:Harry, you can't do this to me, how do I take care of six kids?
The body lays lifeless despite the forceful rigorous movements occasioned by her powerful grip unto his neck.
Suddenly, there is a hit on the chest.
Woman: Wake up, please.
Body: ouch! That was hard, woman!
Woman: Harry, i thought you were dead.
Body: Well, its a miracle, you wouldn't let me leave!
Have a squeeze
Among these two brothers, one of them was always going to cry when the the doctor introduced the needle as the only solution. Tom and took his junior brother to the hosital to have a shot.His girlfriend, Rose decided to come along with them.Rose bought some candy to cheer the one who was going to be tearful.
John: Brad, its takes just a second okay, don't cry.
Brad: Yeah, like i'm goning to cry.
Rose: What does he mean?
John: Oh, nothing Rose, you know kids...
John whispers in Brad's ears:No tight squeezies this time, okay.
Brad: Alright.
Doctor appraoches with the needle,raises Brad's shirt up, holds his hand and cleans him with a moist cotton.
John: It won't hurt, here, dive my arm a good squeeze.
Doctor: It'll just take a minute.
Brad: A second!
Doctor: right.
A moment later...
Brad:...
John: Arrr!!!
Rose: Oh my god!
The Lord's Restaurant
A tatteres looking man stumbles into a rstaurant having spent a while gazing at the intriguing title,"The Lord's".
Man:Greetings brethren.
No answer, instead a stern look from the customers and waiters.
Having ordered and eaten, he washes down with a cool bottle of fanta. The waiter arrives with a paper.
Man: What's this?
Waiter: Your bill, sir?
Man: You're joking.I thought you said this was the Lord's restaurant?
Waiter:...
Man: Bill, the Lord doesn't charge, He gives in abundance to the needy and poor.
Coded Numbers
A jokes fan club. All the jokes are catalogued and the old members know their nummbers. Another member says:
-Five.
All laugh.Another member.
-Twenty four.
General laugh. A newbie, first time in one session, saw that's enough tell the number of a joke, decides to try:
-Sixteen!
Absolute silence.Nobody laughs.One of the old members tells him:
-Colleague, dosen't matter the joke, it's important to tell it well.
Backwards
On a narrow mountain road a man sees a police car driving uphill backwards.
-Hi, guys, why are you driving backwards?
-Because we are not sure that we will find a place to make a U-turn at the top of the mountain.
After one hour, the same man sees the police car driving downhill backwards again.
-But guys, why are you driving backwards again?
-We found a place to make a U-turn up there.
Panda!!!
A panda walks right into a bar, goes to the counter and grabs a sandwich.After having eaten, it grabs a gun and shoots the bartender.Then, as though nothing had happened, he walks out.Everyone in the bar is petrified and silent but someone breaks the silence:
-What was that?
-It was a panda!
-???
-Don't you know...it's an animal that eats, shoots and leaves.
Nine O'clock Vampire Call:Child Innocense
Jimmy, a three year-old had always wondered why his mum told him to be in bed by nine. He dared not to be awake for she had always spoke about the man-eaters.
On this particular night, curiosity struck his nerves and he came out to find her in the sitting room.
Jim:Mum...what are you doing not sleeping?
Mum:???
Jim:Aren't you scared of the vampires?
MUM:uh,honey, the vampires said they'll be a little late tonight.
Jim: But how did you now that, you said only a vampire understands the language of another.
Mum:???
Jim:mum?
Baby Talk
A woman is coversing with her sven one year baby, trying to get her to walk to towards where she is-sitted on the couch.
-Come on, take a steppie, walkie, walkie.
-???
-Come to chair, my honey, come, walkie!
All of a sudden, the baby gives a nasty frown.Mum is surprised to see that her baby has shown her first emotion.
-Its walk mum, not walkie.Come to the chair not come to chair.Oh, and there's nothing like steppie!
-???
The truth shall set you free
A notorious criminal had finally been nailed after several attempts to get him to pay for his crime.The case looked to be settled and so the judge asked him to say his final words if any.
The man gets up and stares at the judge right in the eyes:
-I didn't do it! I did not do it!
-The truth has set you free, youre a free man, Thomas.
-Court dismissed!
Confessions
A man confesses his sins
-I don't know how to say this father, but...I committed murder.Will God ever forgive me?
-Who did you kill, son?
-April Goodram.
-What, youre coming with me to the station!
Go to church?
A friend was infront of me coming out of church one day.and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is, to shake hands.He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
Pastor:You need to join the army of the Lord.
Friend:I'm already in the army, pastor!
Pastor:Howcome I don't see you except at christmas and easter?
Friend whispers:I'm in the secret service.
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