I keep having the same problem over and over and it is so caustic and traumatic. I feel very alone. I have a mother that abuses me, lies, fabricates, mocks, and berates me often. But, I don't have any other family and no one to turn to. Although I feel she loves me and I was born out of her, she is so violent, hostile, and abusive, it is unbearable. I cannot stand the violence any longer and its for basically no reason. I'm the family scapegoat and look different than they do. It hurts me so because my sisters are the same, very uncaring, untrustworthy, and I can't seem to talk to any of them or get close. My mom doesn't like to hug or discuss things, but punches, kicks, and hits like some sort of raging lunatic instead of discussing anything with intelligence. Today, I just received a letter from her filled with lies and false accusations of things I never did at all. I don't know why she is doing this or coming up with persecutions? It's so traumatic. Also, I'm trying to finish college and they seem to want to hinder any sort of success. I feel like I'm the family Saint, someone they can vent their hatred and anger on. I hate being a victim like this though. I don't know how to free myself. I don't want to be beaten or falsely accused any longer. It's such a waste of life energy. I just don't know how they can do this! My sister, one who does not hit me has cancer and she has been suffering. My two other sisters barely care about her, and I'm the one who keeps going to see her, make her happy, bring her things and prays over her. It's hurting me so bad! I feel very alone in the world and trying to get good paying work in my field, but no one has answered or offered anything, even though I reached out to many people who have the means. Jesus has used me for years to service the United States security forces though, but they were supposed to pay me in rewards and they have thus far refused to pay me what they owe me. It's mind boggling and I have been a slave to them. I have spent years of my life, did the tracking for Osama Bin laden for the A team, doing most of their work year after year without pay and all from very hard work and prayer. But everyonne of them treat me as if I'm supposed to be some sort of slave. That is not right by god. I need this to find a way to justice though. My other relatives berate and mock me for they don't understand the hardest work almost in the world I did all those years and they see me impoverished and in need. They have said terrible hurtful things to me. I saved countless lives through my work and was used by agencies, such as the FBI and CIA and more. I don't think Jesus wants me to suffer like this or be thought of or used any longer as a slave. There was a movie company who took my story without my consent and lied, twisted the details and are busy raking in over 100 million dollars for themselves. They took a private story and lied to the public about it all. Almost everywhere I have gone, including college where I've been studying art, people are cruel and mean to me. They judge me in a strange manner and I was assaulted because I was crying one day. I don't want to be persecuted and wronged any longer by these evil people, including family and just don't know, why I should be a martyr or unpaid slave for anyone. I'm not a missionary and didn't sign up in my own country to be so. I'm a talented normal person who cared more than others at times and was able to pray in a way that saved lives. Now, I can't seem to find the prayer to save myself from the evils and corruption of my own family and country. No one has thus far thanked me in any official manner for my service and I feel very unappreciated and sad. I can't talk to my mother but long for a mother I can talk to, who will listen, and who I can hug. My mother is angry, never listens to anything, ignores me, and treats me like a piece of meat. My father is dead and died when I was 7, so I have no father who loves me. I don't trust males, because I have long years of experience being raped since a child and being brutally raped and assaulted as an adult. I am trying to find someone who I can be with, but it seems that no one really cares at all or enough to get into any relationship with. I have met alcoholics, ones with really bad tempers who start fighting or abusing on a drop of a hat, ones who are not there when you need them, or ones who are so jealous, that I would live in possession instead of freedom and love. The real hope I have is to be able to make moneys, so at least, I can travel somewhere, have the means to meet good new people, and feel good about earning economic power and security. Thus far, there is no deep loyalty inside America, whereas, I serviced some of its greatest needs, yet needed medical attention, a safe place to live and it turned its back most often as a satanic type of beast would. I am appalled and heartbroken at my own people who I served, who I helped, and to those political leaders who know of my services, yet sit richly rewarded by acting as if I don't matter nor my inherent and earned rights. It's hard for me caring so much for people and so many at once, knowing that those same people would pass me by if I was in need, would discriminate against me for one reason or another, would not lend a helping hand when and if I needed, and are not grateful for their freedom from Bin Laden's quest for war upon America and the so called free world and think everything or peace at all is coming to them easily. It took me many years of the most difficult work I've ever done, and its not the type of work that all people can do or any for that matter. It's not the type of work you do everyday, that is easy to do, a bit challenging, or an easy quest. And, to top it off, I'm Jewish by my birth, which makes people hate me or discriminate or use me. Although, Jesus came to me when I was 16, crying on the floor and I met him, I'm still Jewish. In fact, through my studies, all Christians were also Jewish in Jerusalem and Israel at one point and only distanced themselves over Roman taxes and Roman quests for evil power. I hear all this discrimination all the time against Jews and see that ignorant types don't even understand that Jesus was a Jew and never changed his religion. Everyone wants a scapegoat it seems, but I don't want to be anyone's scapegoat any longer, especially for anyone's inner evils, discrimination, bigotry, arrogance, and hatred of what they don't understand or truly know. If I could change my circumstances, and change my family to make them more kind, empathetic, intelligent, and upstanding I would, but would god do that for me? I cannot. Sometimes, I feel sad and wonder why I had to do so much work and service saving so many lives, or saving people that abuse me, would rape me, rob me and lie about me, discriminate against me somehow, or treat me unkindly. I just don't understand my own kindness towards others at all or being so overtly kind and generous. I want to move in my life and know a good living. I deserve relaxation and healing. No one seems to want to allow me to heal or feel well though. I have injuries I cannot cure, flashbacks of trauma, and cannot bear being around cruel, judgmental, unkind, sadistic-hearted, ruthless people anymore. I need real friends but can't seem to find them, or at least the type I can talk with, share my story with, or will listen to my voice or spend time with me. If its a male who claims he is my friend, he has ulterior motives of using me for sex and destroys any friendship. The women I know are jealous of me and are not out for my best or happiness. They feel envious if I am happy or excel at anything. Therefore, I feel alone and far away from anyone. I don't like feeling lonely and need good people in my life who I can trust and who trust me. I am earning a BA in art this May with a minor in English. Thus far, out of all the people that know me who can afford to, no one has purchased my art, knowing I need survival funds. I don't know why god would want me to live in horrible poverty, lousy medical care or no care at all, in lower level areas, and don't believe that is what Gd wants for me. Yet, at the same time, I don't understand how people can be so cold and unfeeling, uncaring, without gratitude either. My loneliness is almost unbearable and the ruthlessness of people I have come in contact with is horrendous. I am bullied around and called names by immediate family, as if they are not really my family and family for biological reasons. They don't like God or anything god and do not believe in anything. They believe they are the highest power, while I believe differently and only probably cause god did not go to them for help, he came to me and met with me. It's very sad, to have a family that you can't even safely be around or trust to give love in a compassionate humane and decent manner as well. My mother would call me a religious fanatic if I mentioned turning to god at all for life's issues. She calls me curse words as well and can be very brutal. Last week she not only punched and hit me, she kicked me my leg from behind and left an open wound. I can't tolerate or bear the violence any longer at all. I'm not her child but am god's child. She doesn't understand this notion. A psychotic rock star who has had a lifelong obsession with me, very wealthy, has also been busy wishing me harm. He tried to rape me when I was 15, and wrote many songs exploiting me for his huge profits, all while stalking me, doing violence also to me and many many crimes. He is busy also wishing horrible ill will in my life, trying to control me, thinking that I'm his possession, when I want nothing to do with him, nor to be any part of his life. He had spent his life doing vile sexual acts, raped many children, is a pedophile, and I have spoken to some of his victims who were children raped by him. He is so famous and rich, and has slipped through the cracks of justice for some reason, which I don't understand. His name is David Lee Roth, the lead singer for Van Halen. He sings some horrific song lyrics, threatening lives, and very sick despicable stuff that I cannot listen to. I can't see myself being abused further by a narcissistic non god fearing pedophile and violent perpetrator either. He is trying to possess and control me at the same time and I keep praying that he sets me free and takes his attentions away from me for good. I can't turn him into a humble empathetic honest human being and I know this fact. I need him to stop obsessing on me and trying to abuse me. He feels women are to be abused and always treated women with heartless intentions and bad intentions. He's done some pretty vile sexual crimes to some I have known. I feel let down and disappointed over my mother though, wanting her to be a good, fair person but her persisting in being unusually cruel, unfair, deceptive and below my idea of a person I could admire. I have no idea what the payoff is to be cruel, sadistic, unkind, or deceptive, so don't know where she hopes to get being and doing so. All, I know is after all these years of elite services, prayerful services, performing near miracles for this country, that I need one in my life, one for my poor sister who is ill, and maybe some sort of miracle that makes my family turn their lives around to stop being so cruel and unfamily-like. I am somewhat scared, because its strange how many times I have been physically assaulted by maniacs for some reason or just because they think they can. I should get a body camera and probably start sending them to prison. If I have no proof that is also hard to do. It hurts me just the same. Because I am non threatening, rational, intelligent, thin, and sweet I have been assaulted repeatedly. There is something I don't understand in the spirit that makes people behave as demons and I don't want to live my life on their level having to abuse and lie like that. My other sister who is very cruel and unpredictable is a food hoard, extremely overweight, and thinks money is god. Money is good, but money is not god or the spirit itself. I can't even be alone with her and her husband, who hails from Israel because they can be extremely violent and hostile or have been so in a sociopathic no reason manner. My mom's boyfriend believes me when I told him the recent events, but my mom lied to him. He told me she is sorry but when I received her letter, it was so hateful, arrogant, and she was trying to cover up her own crimes as if I wasn't aware that she has done them. I know the truth. Why can't my mom just humble herself and apologize like a normal human being would though? One sincere apology would help the situation tremendously. She does not know to apologize cannot redeem herself or change her behavior the way she is in self denial of her violence and wrong doings. I am not raising her though. Why do I feel that I'm raising my own mother. Or, that somehow she needs to learn how to behave? I'm just a woman with a faith is all. Why do people dishonor or resent that? I'm not a wild animal or anything. Why do I keep meeting people who act like wild animals? Even my domestic dogs would never resort to behavior as I've seen in human beings. Thanks for helping, if you have. I have nowhere really to turn at this moment, feeling despair, in need of honest friends, for rational understanding, comprehension, and for self protection. My body is sacred. Why doesn't my own mother or sisters feel so? Why do they punch, kick, hit or act with sadism? I don't understand that! It's a horrible way to live being that way. I don't want to be like them at all. I want to be kind. Do they hate me for praying or being kind? What is it about people that makes them believe that only money is the power and source of all things miraculous and great? What is it, that makes people hate me for not being paid for my services although I did them either way out of faith and love of God? What is it, that makes people so ungrateful for any peace they have here that they have to assault or harm the very person who gave it to them? Do they want to live in fear and terror, being threatened everyday by real evil enemies or something? Maybe they really want that and resent me, for taking the evil out of the masses lives?