Room for the needy?

[DaveZB]

I have been a Christian since I was a teenager, and I'm now close to my 50th birthday. I attended seminary. I have been Music Minister, Deacon, and Adult Sunday School teacher. In short, a "pillar of the church" (a worn and cracked pillar perhaps, but it was a small church...) I am married to a woman whose ambitions are to change the world, and she's pretty good at it. She is also the best mother I have ever known, and we have three adult children who make me unspeakably proud.

And I am depressed.

Not your run-of-the-mill down-in-the-dumps feeling that we all get from time to time. Clinically depressed. I have been in this state virtually every day for about 12 years. (Yes, I rely on medications and counseling.)

I hesitate to post, since the posting guidelines seem to want to foster only the good things in our walk with Christ. To be brutally honest, the Lord Jesus seems to me to be far off and uncaring. Of course, my theology tells me otherwise.

So, I guess I came to this board to ask for help. I would very much like to hear from fellow followers of Christ whose brain chemistry has betrayed them. I would like to post "Hey! Life is great and Jesus is King!". While I know the second part to be true, my emotional and spiritual life is dead, rendering the first part a lie in my case.

Chad, feel free to remove this post if it does not fit your guidelines -- I will take no offense. Others -- I would appreciate prayer and words of encouragement. Unfortunately, only those who have spent time in what might be called the Dark Night of the Soul can really understand what it's like, so those are the people I would especially like to hear from.

Peace to all. Love and serve all. Thanks for listening.
Dave

 

[lilifield]

You just wrote my life story. It is baffling! Am praying for you.

 

[Janette]

That the works of God be manifest....(long, sorry)

As the mother of a severely mentally ill child, I know it's very hard to balance religious faith with dependence on secular medicine.

Without her medication, my daughter is prone to suicide attempts and other drastically harmful behavior. I want to put my faith in God first, and mankind and medicine second, but I am unwilling to rely solely on prayer to heal her. I don't have the faith. I should. I don't.

My initial conflict/crisis of faith was in trying to understand where sickness comes from in the first place. I started out asking why God would inflict this illness on my relatively innocent child (sure, she's a sinner, we're all sinners, but I can't imagine anything she could have done to "deserve" this).

I was led to John 9.

The disciples asked Jesus about a man who was blind since birth. They wanted to know who had sinned (him or his parents) that he should be born blind.

Jesus said, "Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him." (John 9:3)

---

Rethinking the sickness in that light, I see many ways God has made Himself known through it.

My daughter's biological mother (my husband's ex-wife), who was always tragically distant before the diagnosis, has stepped up and been a great support since then.

My son (my daughter's older brother) had been dragging his feet beyond any reasonable degree with respect to "growing up" and taking on the responsibilities of an adult. Realizing that we parents are mortal and that he may end up being her caretaker has galvanized him to get his life together.

My daughter's doctor/psychiatrist turned out to be a Conservative Christian gentleman with several decades of age on my husband and myself. He has become a friend of the family, and is something of a mentor and father-figure for both of us (and we were both lacking that relationship in our lives growing up).

My daughter is active on several online peer-support communities, offering insight on how to cope with this sickness. She is very blunt, but often able to say things without having to walk on any eggshells because the other people there see her as "one of them" and are less resistant to her than they would be to an authority figure.

My own spiritual understandings have been greatly helped by facing this adversity. I have had to humble myself. I have had to admit that the medicines alone weren't enough, that she wasn't even close to stable, until I stopped being angry with God that she was sick, and started simply being grateful to God that she'd lived another day/week/month. -- The more I have glorified *God* (rather than just medicine or luck) for how far she has come, the further she progresses. I have faith that one day she will be free of this sickness, and despite all earlier prognoses, her doctors are starting to agree with me.

And lastly, here we are, strangers in the vast nothingness of the Internet, sharing testimony of how God has touched our lives.

I still struggle with my disbelief. Part of me wishes God would kindly choose anyone other than my daughter for this ... honor. Part of me wants to blindly do rash things like pull her off all of her medicines as a show of "faith." Part of me is downright *angry* with God that His plan could include any hardship at all. And of course a big part of me feels guilty for all these other prideful parts that just can't *trust* God enough to let Him work without me whining about it.

It's an ongoing struggle, but I feel I am struggling *out* of bondage, not further into it.

---

I hope, in your own struggles, that you feel a similar progression.

 

[monkeys]

Dave,

Thank you so much for posting.

My boyfriend was clinically depressed for a few years. He moved from his home country to a foregin country when he was 16 years old. When we met, he was depressed. He was the first person that I met that was clinically depressed. I really didn't understand myself at all...

I'm really not sure what to write to tell you very honestly. I know it must be so hard having depression. As far as God...He works in mysterious way. I know that you have been faithful to Him...but maybe He has given you this depression for another purpose.

Maybe to minister to others...maybe to help you understand something you may not be seeing. I am not sure what it may be. But seek the Lord. Do no stop leaning on Him. He is your strong tower! Just read the book of Job! It's rather depressing, but the story and "moral" behind it is amazing!

May the Lord touch your heart brother Dave. May he strength you and your family. May you have peace. I pray that the Lord pours His Holy Precious Blood over your heart right now. May you feel peace and closure. May you be healed of this depression! The the name of Jesus I pray. Amen.

Many Blessings,
monkeys

 

[justin1979]

I feel for you, brother. I've experienced years of depression. Have pleaded with God to deliver me from years of living with regular anxiety attacks. Have sought the assistance of western medicine and counseling. So, I feel I can relate in ways to what you are feeling and how your faith is effected.

Some relevant scripture to read and meditate on: 2 Corinthians 1:3-7; 2 Corinthians 12:7-10.

I'm sure you agree that God is a magnificent God whether or not we agree with His motives for allowing certain persisting hardships in our lives. There is solace to be found. I'm living proof of that. God has delivered me from on-going depression. And I don't even remember the last time I had an anxiety attack. Keep the faith. Praying for you, DaveZB.

 

[Janette]

An update - 2 years and several miracles later

Not too terribly long after my original post, things took a turn for the worse in a very big way.

My daughter's biological mother got under the influence of someone who convinced her that anti-psychotic medicines do more harm than good. So, whenever my daughter went over there to visit, she didn't make her take her medicines. Her own doctor was "stepping her down" from some of the medications, but to just not be on them suddenly causes withdrawal and depression and so on. And to go back to taking the full dose after missing several days is a nearly deadly combination.

Now I should pause here to say I am NOT preaching an anti-medicine view. But there is a difference of mindset and loyalty between asking the Lord to guide the doctors to a victorious treatment...and just asking the doctors to fix everything with drugs. Her mother was in the wrong...but so were we.

These breaks in her medicine had tragic results. There were many incidents. My daughter finally fled *our* home in the wee hours, getting the police involved (again). My state has a law that if a 17 year old runs off, the police are not obligated to bring her back. She eventually showed up at her mother's and she decided to stay there rather than here. Without her medication, there were many more incidents. It was a very rough time. To be totally honest, we lost the will (and the money) to keep fighting for custody. Every day we lived with the unspoken fear that the next late night phone call would be from the coroner.

One night, my husband woke like a gun shot had gone off in the bedroom. It woke me up. I was about to ask him what was wrong, but he'd run for the bathroom and was sick. He was in there about 30 minutes. During that time, I felt progressively more trapped and terrified. I knew I had to pray - not so much for him as for our daughter. I knew my husband was sick because it was an attack to keep him from praying. I cannot explain how I knew. So, I prayed - out loud - in tears and in tongues. I don't know what I was saying, and I'd never prayed in tongues before.

When my husband came out of the bathroom, I told him that we both needed to pray for her. I think it was the first time we'd ever prayed as a couple outside group prayers at church or saying grace. It was strange because I said "You have to lead. You have to pray for her and whatever you say or think I will agree." I don't know if he said anything out loud. I don't remember. I just knew it was my place at that time to support him and agree with him. As I am not one who falls "easily" into the submissive role of helpmate, it was a humbling and eye opening experience.

Three days later we found out that at about that moment our daughter was fighting with a young male at some apartment where she'd run off to, and that he was trying to throw her off the balcony. To make a long messy story short, she was rescued and put this male and his wicked influence out of her life...and it seemed many other wicked influences left her then too.

---

Things did not change overnight. But they changed *very* quickly and very dramatically.

My daughter continued to live with her mother and without medications. But she had no further incidents. She eventually got a job where she met a good young man. They got married in May. Now we've recently found out they are going to have twins. She is not on any medications, and shows no signs of needing any. She has said that she looks back on her past and it feels like she's looking at someone else's life. I almost wonder if that is partially true...was my daughter healed of a sickness or released from demons?

I don't know. But when I look into her surprisingly calm eyes as she strokes her tummy and coos at the life within her waiting to be born, I am reminded of that one night of prayer.

And I am humbled.

For when God "allowed" her to be taken from our custody, I was angry with Him. "How could You?" I had demanded, "I can't watch her now, I can't help her, I can't get her to her doctors!"

He never answered me with words. I did not *hear* Him say to be still or to trust Him. And I am not surprised. I was being unreasonable and disrespectful, and did not deserve to hear His voice clearly.

But worse...I was being distrustful of the very God I was witnessing to others to believe in and trust. I was a hypocrite.

So learn from my life and draw hope and strength for your own.

If you belong to the Lord but you have trust issues, He is *going* to make your life such that you have eventually have nothing *left* to lean on but Him....this means your life will get progressively harder until you come "to the end of yourself" -- however long that takes, and however bad that needs to be. He did it for Job, the entire nation of Israel in the wilderness, and by Revelations will do it to the remnant of all humanity.

Take my words then as prophecy: You have Job's testimony, Israel's, and mine: Trust the Lord sooner rather than later and things will be easier for you. Realize that *you* can never do enough or be enough or sacrifice enough to "make things right" or "keep everyone safe." Understand that you will never in this life really get "the big picture" and that things will happen that seem tragic, and terrible, and unfair, and wrong.

Rejoice anyway. Trust anyway. And always remember and believe: We know all things work together for good, for those who love God and are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28)

 

[Boanerges]

Dave, What you described here is not uncommon nor is it impossible to overcome.
Just some thoughts:
1. Depression can be a chemical imbalance and needs to be treated- have yourself checked for hormone levels.

2. The devil is a liar- his favorite tactic is (and always has been) to separate the sheep from the Sheppard. If he can make you feel isolated and alone then he has you right where he wants you.

3. If you keep your eyes on your troubles the get bigger and bigger. If you keep your eyes on God they get smaller and smaller. I am not making lite of any issues you may be struggling with but consider this; Jesus Christ knew every sin you would ever commit, every mistake you would make, every shortcoming you would have and yet He still went to that cross thinking of you. He went gladly to a death sentence to redeem you. So with that in mind do you really think He would abandon you?
Jesus Christ is the Way, the Truth and the Life. He has and is the answer to all our life's issues. Do not believe any thought or feeling that tells you different as it is a deception meant to keep you in bondage.
4. Burnout, stress, depression, agitation; these are what I like to call sign posts. Typically they are there to warn us that we are trying to deal with life in our own strength and that is something we were never meant to so.

My recommendations:
aside from getting a complete physical with all associated blood work I would spend some real time with the Great Physician.

Spend at least an hour in worship. Find a CD or two that really speak to your heart and pour out your love on the Lord. He will respond in kind; there is a precious union and communion that takes place when we abandon ourselves to worship the One we love.

Spend some time in prayer. Believe that He hears you and that He is willing. You do not lack faith for He has given each of us a measure. Simply trust Him at His Word and know that it is His good pleasure to give you His kingdom. Talk to Him, tell Him what is on your mind, learn to listen again. He will respond.

Spend time in His Holy Word. The Holy Spirit was given when Jesus asked the Father to send Him. He is our Teacher, our Paraclete (one who walks alongside) and so much more. When you open the Word simply ask Him this : Holy Spirit show what this Word means and how it applies to my life and situation. The Word will began to come alive as you press into it in faith.

These things are pretty straightforward but life seems to cloud our view and we have a tendency to drift away from sowing to the Spirit.

Let us dare to be the ones who believe God.
Let us be the children who see the grapes and not the unbelieving ones who see only the giants.


I am praying for you my friend.
Many blessings in His Name,
brother Larry.

 

[Coconut]

Room for the needy?

There is always room for the needy at the Cross...thank God!

Bless you Dave, and all those who responded...

There is solace to be found. I'm living proof of that.