I have just turned 28 and got saved when I was 16. Since I was about 17, i backslid and I am now a total mess. I cannot believe some of the things I have done recently. I hate myself as I am not a decent person anymore. My nanny died a few weeks ago, just when my boyfriend of 10 1/2 years dumped me, I hate my job and am saving to go to Australia in 2006. I have got involved in too many ways of the world and it is not what its cracked up to be. I just feel miserable now and am dreading this Christmas because of how I am, what I've become and the recent death of my nanny. I have no Christian friends to turn to for advice and feel that I need a friend (preferably near Belfast, N. Ireland). Sometimes I feel bitter at God for letting my mum suffer so much with her health as she has leukaemia, Ulcerative Colitis (which she nearly died from last year). she now has an ileostomy bag which should have been reversed into an internal pouch over a year ago but she has had so many infections etc and has been in and out of hospital. Im sure there must be some reason for this but I cant help getting angry at times. I also suffer from Crohns (which isnt too bad) but this leads to Shin Splints and Osteoporosis because of all the steroids Im on. I believe that the end is coming very soon and need to sort myself out. sometimes, if I had the money, I just want to go away by myself for a week or 2, to try to sort my head out. Please could someone pray for me? Im in tears as I type this as I feel that my life is out of control as I feel I cannot take anymore. Please help me.