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One Day At a Time

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In my past two entries in my journal, I never went into detail of all the things the devil put me through. I am going to tell you today, only because I feel in my spirit that this will help me to forgive as well.

My step-brother torments me day and night. Not literally in the physical sense, but mentally he does. Or I shouldn't say he does, the devil does. Anyways, I am unable to forgive him. I cannot bring myself to look at him as a human being. As someone's child, as someone's grandson. I see him as sick, perverted, nasty, and anything that would describe the lowest of all lows. It is hard to forgive him. I want to sooo bad, in fact I am crying just thinking about it right now. But, because of what he has done, like watching me change, watching me sleep, standing in my room naked, and touching himself in unappropriate places while doing it, just makes me hate him. It is wrong to hate, I know. But my privacy has been ripped from my control, and displayed to who knows. I have found pictures of my cousin and me in his pocket. A prom video of my cousin and me. You know, just sick stuff that makes you sick. I am not talking about a 15 year old boy here, who is akward. I am talking about a 25 year old man, still living at home with his father. No job, no money. He's a theif, and a pervert, and I cant make myself forgive him. It is so hard, and like I said, I want to, but I can't.
Anyways, after I moved out, I thought it would be easier. But I was wrong. The devil was right at the front door waiting. He would burden me with things like a new church. He would get in my ear and say, these people dont like you. I would be driving around sometimes, and he would say "Have you ever wondered what it would be like to wreck head-on? Swerve over to the other side of the road. I wonder how many of your so-called friends will show up at the hospital?" You know? Just insane things like that, he would tell me. I never went through with any of it of course. But its crazy. Then, depression set in. I would go to church, and sit there. I wouldn't worship, then I got to where I would go only sunday nights. then not at all. He used my good guy friend to worsen that depression. I had a little crush on him, yes, but I never lusted over him, and he turned his back on me, and I never thought he would do a thing like that. But anyways, this was going on for 3 almost 4 months now, then I visit my dad one day. They had an empty room b/c my sister moved out, and I took the offer immediately. Well, they didn't even offer, I just took it. It is May now, and I believe God moved me to a different church so I sould get through it on my own. I am back at my old church now, and things are looking brighter.

Like I said earlier, I am making this public because, I feel in my spirit to do so. I'm not doing it for sympathy, I just feel it will help someone and myself as well.

Things are getting better, and the only thing that is burdening me right now is the lack of forgiveness to my step-brother. So will you please pray for me for that? I thank you soo much

God Bless
Sis in Christ
Lnrobar
 
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Member
As someone who went thru abuse from family members when I was young, let me share my path to forgiveness. I too, felt that I hadn't forgiven as I should. I prayed over & over to be able to do so. I can see more clearly in retrospect what was going on. God was healing me...but it was taking time. One day I simply noticed it didnt' make me feel the same as it used to when I thought of certain people & what they did. May I suggest that you are expecting too much too fast? I realize that we can forgive instantly, but sometimes it's a path. And when we are on that path, we don't need to keep checking our forgiveness gauge.

God will see you through - His Word promises He will finish what He has begun in us. When thoughts & doubts come to mind, just say "it's Your's God & I praise You for taking it." Eventually you will notice the change.

Forgiveness is one thing...associating with that person is another. You don't have to be around them if you don't feel safe or if you are being abused or harrassed.
 
Member
Just want to reassure you that God knows your heart. He knows your desire to forgive. And where you are weak He is strong. We can and do forgive by faith. Not our faith in our ability to forgive, But rather we forgive by the faith of the Holy Spirit in us. Just trust in the Lord that his forgiveness will flow through you. Thank him and trust him for it.

Also it may help you to realize that memory has emotions. When you remember something the emotion of the moment is with that memory. Sometimes we can confuse the emotion that is with a memory with unforgiveness.

There is so much emotion with your situation but you can loose this man when you realize that you are releasing him to God, for God to deal with him. He is not getting away with anything. It is good to know that God will deal with him concerning what he has done to you. Just turn him over to God. Pour out that heart unto the Lord and release him. The Spirit of God will help you. Then when thoughts and emotions arise just keep reminding yourself that he is turned over to God.

Bless you. None of this is easy. But it is all possible through the power of God in your life. So thankful with you that you are seeing progress.

Blessings.....
 
Member
Ironbar . First of all , I am glad that you opened you're heart and let this out . satan's best weapon against you is secret's that are hidden down inside of you . Jesus gave us repentance so that we can be free from our wounds and scars . You are the temple of the Holy Spirit , and you feel violated ! The devil wants you to feel unclean , and ashamed , but anger is an easier way to respond to these awful violations of you're body and Spirit . But the devil is a lier ! You are clean in both body and spirit ! Through talking about this , you are no longer alone now , and in time you will start to feel the healing power of God . Like the responses before mine , it takes time . Find a woman who you can trust in the Lord , and pray with her , and grow out of the isolated place satan has tried hard to keep you in . satan could not keep you from getting saved , and he cannot stop you from anything else the Father has for you ! You will prevail in Jesus Name ! Love Mike
 
Member
You can always tell when God is up to something great and miraculous in someone's life. He allows testings like you wouldn't believe. He doesn't bring the test, but he allows them. God is up to something great in your life. You don't want to abort your blessing by giving up. You sound like you are on your way to recovery. Let the process keep going. As far as the forgiveness, I've done a lot of study in psychology also. Forgiveness doesn't neccesarily mean reconciliation. People always assume that forgiveness means that you have to be up in that person's face all the time. That's not true. If that is what God does, He does. But it's not neccessary for you to forgive. Forgiveness means letting go of it, and allowing God to vindicate. Vengeance is the Lord's (The Word says). When you forgive, even for all of the ugliness that has taken place not only do you give a gift away, but you receive one for yourself. When you forgive freedom comes (to you). Give that gift away to yourself! You afterall do deserve it! I started to type come alive in God and he'll come alive in you. I accidentally typed come alove.. and God said.. it's not an accident. That's what he needs to do, come a live in love.. that's your key! I hope it helps! God bless you!
 
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Staff Member
Thank you for sharing this with us lnrobar. Now we can pray for you like a large team to our Christ who makes all things new and peaceful. GOD will recover you. I agree also with what jluvschrist said. GOD may be putting you through a test, and if so this is one to pass and you will be one to forgive just like the way our own Savior forgave others!

God bless you sister and I wish the best for you. In my prayers always!
 
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Member
Thank you Glory for the prayer. I did kind of need that. You know, I am pretty sure things are all calm over this situation, but I think back at certain things and I wonder, "What was he thinking?"
I don't ever tell myself it was "my fault", but I wonder sometimes. You know? I made the best choice by leaving that night. I left when mom wasnt even home, went to church, and couldnt listen or concentrate, then left. Yes there are some things I would love to have back, like my sense of security(the feeling someone is watching you alllllllll the time), but I know I wouldn't be who I am now if I would have failed this test. Only God know what would have happened had I stayed.
I know God laid it on my heart to leave that night for a reason, and I wouldn't take anything back to change.
I do believe in my heart I have forgiven him, but I will probably never spend more than an hour at my mom's house when he is there. I love my mom, but not him.
People go through hurtful times in their lives only to realize it makes them stronger. :wink:
 
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