Hello Kacey
You're a little here and there on this, so I'll separate them in my reply to you.
Hi Nick,
My boyfriend agreed to go to the couple therapy. The bad news, he mentioned I was disrespectful to his mother, but not sure why he thinks that. It was not disrespectful, if he actually knew the context. This is the reason I want to keep my distance from now on. I hope one day I can win her and change how she sees me. I am not a bad person, but I believe I am stronger than most girls I know. It is not easy to break me. I told his mom once she is being too judgmental, but I do not think it is rude to tell her that! I also remember I said something about how religion did more harm than good. She told me that is rudeness, and I must respect her faith, but I do not think I was disrespectful in any way. It was a general statement.
I pulled his hand once and told his mom he is mine. I think that was not appropriate behavior, but she was questioning my integrity with her son. She was like "Hush! Do not talk to me like that, spoiled child! You are a disgrace to my son, but we always pray for your soul!" I apologized, but she was not happy. Her husband jumped in to fix it for her. It was so bad. That was the only time I think I went out of my way. It is not easy to cope with her. I do not have this problem with his dad. He tells me he does not understand what I like about his son since I do not share his faith, but he does not make me feel bad about myself. His mom even made some unnecessary comments about how I dress and look. I wear whatever makes me confident. I dress sexy sometimes, but I am not always flashy or wearing too much makeup. It is elegant, not provocative, or too revealing. That is why I told her she is being judgmental.
The problem of respect to me appears to be generational. I would say cultural as well, but I don't know any of the background of your BF and his Mother. The further back you go in time, and how the younger people of any particular generation interacted with the elders had a certain communication attached to it. Some would call it old school, but regardless, it was seen that even if the Elder was wrong they were still to be accorded respect. Now a days, it doesn't matter who you are, if one feels they are right. This means right trumps everything else. Not surprisingly, even Christians of this generation can be affected by the norms being displayed by the world in these days. Still, there are pockets of those who adhere to this belief, and it appears that your BF falls into this area of what one could call "Respect your elders."
Is it right? Does it really matter? Just knowing that he does, and she (Mother) expects it should be enough understanding. Why? Because she's of the age that change if it happens, usually only comes from enduring much from the one who expects it. Meaning…it will take time, and great patience on your part if you expect her to change.
You must decide if he's worth it, because it appears from what you said, he does expect it when it pertains to his mother. I'm sure he is respectful when interacting with your own parents, even if he doesn't quite get how everyone expects to be treated. Why? Because that's what he was taught to be from his own parents. For better or worse, always remember that in many ways he is a reflection of his parents as you are of yours. I'm not saying one is right and the other wrong. Growing up where I'm from they would have said "It is what it is".
I hope the counseling works out!!
I think I get it. I also do not want to be that girl who goes to church and the next day she is clubbing. I actually talked to my mom about the possibility of converting to Christianity. She is not against it, but she found it very weird. I changed my mind because I do not think it will be genuine faith. All I am thinking about is my boyfriend not God. I was reading the bible more, but I was unable to find what made people believe any of this. Not saying this is all fairy tales, but I am skeptic about a lot of things. I think Jesus (if he existed) is a great spiritual teacher, but that is it. I am not interested in the ideological side.
Now the religious aspect of this. You are correct in not "converting" to Christianity for the sake of your BF. It would be fake, and eventually do more harm than good in the relationship moving forward. Understanding that every couple that I know of has had their clashes! I can picture you saying in a moment of anger "I never believed anyway!" We wind up saying words that can never be taken back. Though, they can be forgiven.
On the "if he existed" Jesus; to determine the truth of this its usually easy to look at what the enemies of Christianity had to say concerning Him. Meaning, Judaism, Islam, as well as Buddhism and other religions of the day. I would include Atheism, but there weren't many in those days, and if there were they weren't necessarily historical writers. However, in these days it's easier for them to dismiss Historical documents as being contrived. Those of faith if even not Christian, acknowledge Historical documents as proof, especially if it comes from the opposition.
That being said, you will find that Jews, though not believing in Jesus as the Christ, do believe he existed. They do this because it's all across their own recorded history of that time period. By the way not every Jew converted to Christianity even after seeing the things that He did. It's like the old adage about taking a horse to water, but not being able to make him drink! :smile: Plus, they weren't expecting a man on a donkey, but a conquering King that would bring every existing nation under submission to Israeli. Enough said.
The therapist is not a stranger. She worked with my family for 15+ years. She is a licensed counselor. She helped me with my depression & the drinking problems. I trust the approaches and techniques she uses. Of course, I will listen to her even if she tells me I am wrong. I want to know if my bf is happy in his religion. Couple therapy is essential for us now because I had insecurities when my boyfriend left my apartment. I had to pay the rent alone. It was not fair because we moved together. I felt our relationship was at risk. It was very depressing so I questioned if he was breaking up with me. He promised he was not going to leave me, but he made many excuses about moving out. I think my boyfriend needs to prove this relationship is not at risk; If he leaves this Lutheran church and moves in with me again, then I will consider that a compromise. As i said, he can try a different church. That will be enough for me. I can live with that and he does not have to cut his family ties. That is what I told the counselor.
Hummm, where to start. It's good that you have a counselor that you trust, but will your BF have that same trust? The compromise, should not be whether he leaves the church or not, but rather that he is willing to go to counseling with you in the first place. Setting the goal as leaving the church has more to do with his mother and probably the Priest you mentioned, than it does about his faith. Unless you believe by going to another church that his faith will disappear, because it is currently based upon his parents and not his own belief system.
If the latter of the above is true, what happens if he does change church, but his faith remains? Going to kick him to the curb, or maybe take a closer look at what this thing called "faith in Jesus" is really about?
One curious note on what you wrote. You didn't give a time line, but I'm assuming your mentioning of the BF leaving the apartment, happened in the past or is it something that recently happened and whatever the issue that is has been resolved?
If it's still up in the air (relationship/moving in/out); understanding the why of it from his perspective might be a good idea for you and the relationship as a whole. Grab some coffee/tea/or beverage of choice, and sit down at a table and talk. Offer him the option to pray before hand, if it makes him feel better. You might think that would have no effect, but it will be a sign to him that you are open to everything going in to this discussion.
You said my words and actions are the antithesis to "loving" behavior when it comes to others. Who are the "others" here? What they have done me is probably your answer. Look at the question posted on the main page of these forums. 55.7% say Christians can be liberal and half say they cannot. I thought God's spirit is not about confusion, yet believers do not agree on anything at all. They are actually clueless. I have seen Christians doing everything they claim to hate.
My love is different from yours. My love goes to someone who has earned it. I do not love everyone, because hate is an ally of love. It balances the book and it perfects the judgment. I follow my instinct. The intellect often gets in the way, and it stops me from doing what is necessary. It is not by tooth and claw. All I can say I hope they have God. I think they will need him and you minimize it when you call it the law of the jungle, a threat, or an alpha personality. His religion does not bless this relationship in any way. His mother urges him to leave, and his priest told me personally he would not approve of it, unless I become a Christian. So why do you put the blame on me? That which disturbs your soul, you must not suffer. I would say let us bring back Vlad the Impaler, Nero, and Adolf Hitler. People still have not learned from the past.
My apologies on using the word "antithesis". It might have been a little harsh. Let's clear up some of the negative from our previous communication. When I said antithesis as it pertains to love, I am trying to show you that it's not really love, but an affection that you have, which takes precedence over even the object of it, i.e. your BF. This is reflected in the unwillingness to let him go if it came to that. Hold anything too tight and you are more likely going to suffocate the other, and may even come to regret doing so, for I do believe that you do care for him and count it as gain to be with him.
Now to where I'm coming from when I speak of Love. The Greek version is more specific in its use and not as all encompassing as the English word love. That is why when the Bible speaks of Love (English), it's rarely understood within the context that it was meant or was communicated as being. The use of Love in general falls in the Eros, Philia, Storge area. While the Agape one is the one Christians seek to have, because it is what they have received from God through the Sacrifice of Jesus Christ on the Cross. This is also the one Christians without realizing it try to communicate to all people (believe/non-believer alike). So, the expression you might have heard in passing from some Christians trying to be "Christ Like" is a willingness to sacrifice for another without personal gain being attached to it.
Greek words for love
Agape - love of God for man and of man for a good God
Eros - mostly of the sexual passion
Philia - affectionate regard, friendship (What I believe you have for your BF along with I'm sure Eros J )
Storge - love, affection and especially of parents and children
The hope is that what you feel for your BF may blossom into what love is really about. That neither one has to lose, and is considered gain if sacrifice is involved. In my own marriage, I'd rather give up on something I really want, if I can see my wife smile. This doesn't mean that we don't get frustrated with each other, for I don't know of any couple that doesn't have its rollercoaster experiences! It's just that my love for my wife is above personal gain and if you were to ask her, it would probably be the same for her. However, when it's not…that's when the clashes usually happen!! LOL
Oh, by the way I really, really, don't try to hate. It's hard to do, but when I as a Christian realize that Jesus died even for them and I want to be Christ like. How can I justify hating??? I read an article and found a youtube video to show you in a way what I'm talking about. It's real life experience that you might have even heard of happening. You might disagree, but it might help you on how Christians see things......at least those who want to live and be like our Lord & Savior. Love and Forgiveness go hand-in-hand Kacey.
We speak of forgiveness and have found in my own life the difficulties on both ends. That is giving & receiving of it. So, I bring this video to your attention. It is an instance where the victim, was a believer, and apparently so is his brother who you see speaking from the stand during the...
www.talkjesus.com
I hope this helps you understand that I was not trying to bash you in anyway, but trying to be clear that the meaning of love for me as a Christian is very different from yours.
As I've said before, I'll be praying for you Kacey and pray for the best for all concerned. Especially for you since you're the one seeking.
With the Love of Christ Jesus.
Nick
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at least not making the right one as far as you're concerned. LOL Now making a medical diagnosis on his mother, is pretty much like her making one on you. Don't you think? 
