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Non-christian dating a christian

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Hello. You read it. My boyfriend is a Christian. I am not. We have been together for 1.5 year.

Things got awkward the day I met his parents. I mean I have always known my boyfriend to have a strong faith in God, and this was never a problem in our relationships. We do not talk much about religion. I think my bf is easy going and open-minded more than anything and I like these qualities in him, but his parents are nothing like that and I was not expecting it.

They asked me if I go to church, if my parents are saved, and if I am saved and what I think of God and their faith and if I want to be a Christian one day …etc… My boyfriend knows about my beliefs and how I grew up far away from the church, but I am not comfortable sharing them with his parents. I started going to his family church after I met them but I feel like this need to stop. I do not think much of God, and I do not even know if Jesus ever walked this earth. I do not enjoy taking part in traditional Christian things. I think his family like me for the most part, but they seem very concerned about trivial things, such as having sex before marriage, or lacking faith, and even raising children "not in the faith!" I am 22 so this is too much for me and makes me very uncomfortable and my boyfriend is 26.

If I quit going to church would that hinder my relationship? I love my boyfriend, but I want to stay true to myself. How I can tell them in a polite way that I do not want to attend church anymore without me hurting their feelings or being disrespectful? Can I tell my boyfriend to make some boundaries with his parents? I mean my parents do not get involved much in my private life.

Thank you,
 
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Hello. You read it. My boyfriend is a Christian. I am not. We have been together for 1.5 year.

Things got awkward the day I met his parents. I mean I have always known my boyfriend to have a strong faith in God, and this was never a problem in our relationships. We do not talk much about religion. I think my bf is easy going and open-minded more than anything and I like these qualities in him, but his parents are nothing like that and I was not expecting it.

They asked me if I go to church, if my parents are saved, and if I am saved and what I think of God and their faith and if I want to be a Christian one day …etc… My boyfriend knows about my beliefs and how I grew up far away from the church, but I am not comfortable sharing them with his parents. I started going to his family church after I met them but I feel like this need to stop. I do not think much of God, and I do not even know if Jesus ever walked this earth. I do not enjoy taking part in traditional Christian things. I think his family like me for the most part, but they seem very concerned about trivial things, such as having sex before marriage, or lacking faith, and even raising children "not in the faith!" I am 22 so this is too much for me and makes me very uncomfortable and my boyfriend is 26.

If I quit going to church would that hinder my relationship? I love my boyfriend, but I want to stay true to myself. How I can tell them in a polite way that I do not want to attend church anymore without me hurting their feelings or being disrespectful? Can I tell my boyfriend to make some boundaries with his parents? I mean my parents do not get involved much in my private life.

Thank you,
First, welcome to Talk Jesus @BubbleFlower
Glad that you have decided to seek help from those who do believe in Jesus Christ, and so Christianity. We can offer our own experiences, and those of people we have had in our lives that may closely align with what you are going through.

Second, I must address your lack of belief, and wonder what you do believe in. Most people's belief system comes initially from whatever their parents belief system is. As is the case with your BF. He professes to be Christian. Now, whether he is actually a believer or not only he can say. Just going to a church, and even saying some words, doesn't mean that the belief, in this case Jesus Christ is truly part of that persons life. His parents apparently do believe, for they were curious/concerned enough to ask you the questions that they did. For they love their son, but believe it or not they also love the people that don't believe. Which of course includes you. How they show their love, is with a sincere desire that you too would come to know the Lord Jesus Christ as your Savior.

That you profess that you have doubt that Jesus ever lived. Tells me that you really haven't looked into it, or if you did from a slanted view. For even the Historians that are Atheist will acknowledge that Jesus did live and die, because there is enough historical evidence not only from Christian writers, but from those who were opposed to Christianity who confirm this.

So, in truth what you have to decide is. Regardless of what it means in your relationship with your BF. Would you be willing to see if Jesus not only existed, but is who He says He is? Only you can answer that. No one can do it for you. If you're trying to avoid doing this, and hope that your relationship with your BF can continue. Know that I can't nor can anyone tell you how that will work out. Eventually, if your BF really believes in Jesus Christ as his Savior. He will either leave, fall away from what he believes, or you will. Meaning, leave him or come to know Jesus as your Savior.

The reason being for this, is that the believer is drawn with a desire to get closer to Jesus and walk in His ways. If you ever come to Jesus, you'll understand this. Why? Think of it as someone saves your life, or better yet. Saves you from yourself. Brings you from death to life. When this happens to a person. They start to change. Change in a way that since His death on the Cross 2 thousand years ago. Has affected and moved people from every Nation, profession, age, gender since, to call Him their Lord and Savior. Even if it costs them their lives. So, it really does mean something to them, me and many more that you will find in every walk of life.

I could go on, but I'll provide you a couple of links to threads that were done here on Talk Jesus on the subject of Jesus, and Christianity. I'd also take time to read through the testimonies section, and look at the bios of the members here who profess to believe in Jesus as their Savior. Each, one is unique, and has a story to tell that even if everyone were to tell them that Jesus is a lie, they'd not believe it, because of what they have experienced that one moment in time in their lives when they knew to the very bottom of their souls what is true, and has so changed them ever since. Jesus.

These are but a few of the threads, and even more importantly are the people themselves. I'm sure they won't mind answering any questions that you might have. They might not know them all, but I'm also sure they will endeavor to help you in finding the answer.

Dear Atheist

Why Believe in Christianity

How to be friends with God

How do I accept Jesus as my Savior

Fathers Love Letter

If I quit going to church would that hinder my relationship? I love my boyfriend, but I want to stay true to myself. How I can tell them in a polite way that I do not want to attend church anymore without me hurting their feelings or being disrespectful? Can I tell my boyfriend to make some boundaries with his parents? I mean my parents do not get involved much in my private life.
Now to answer the questions you posed at the end of your thread. If you haven't come to the conclusion yet. Belief for the Christian does not just reside at Church. It's part of their lives, and in fact one can easily say it is their lives. So, would it hinder your relationship with your BF if you stopped going to church? Only he can answer that. Tell him that you don't want to go anyone, but if you recall what I've said before. You are bound to separate yourself from him eventually if he keeps going himself, or he'll separate from you. It really depends on the seriousness of his relationship with Jesus, and second how serious you too are about each other. Meaning Marriage :smile:

I can tell you of three marriages that were between one who was a believer in Christ Jesus and the other who was not. In two of them, it was the wife who was the believer, and the third it's the husband. Each one is different in what has happened. In one, the husband left, in the other the husband came to believe in Jesus, and the other after 30 years, nothing has changed. The husband believes, and the wife does not. Though the husband continues to pray for his wife, and seeks that she would come to know Jesus as her personal Savior.

So, how will your relationship end up? I don't think anyone will be able to tell you. However, the one thing I will tell you is that in any relationship it is very important to base it upon being truthful to each other. Yes, even if it hurts. Would you rather wait until you're married, if you get married? Things will only get worse with your BF/Husband to be, and his parents/future in-laws.

Remember that your BF's parents love their son, enough to try to make sure that they have the right woman for him. One that will not cause him great pain. Even though your parents don't get involved in your "private life", I'm also sure that if you were to ask them if they are concerned with who you marry, and whether he is a good or bad man. I'd want to believe they'd say, we'd prefer a good one. Of course, there are many parents, that don't want to get involved at all, and so will answer "whatever makes you happy" or "you're the one whose going to have to live with him"!! :shades:

Anyway, I think I've said enough and I truly hope this has helped a little.
I also, truly hope the best for you, but then you know what that means to me to you...........Come to Jesus!!!! :smile:
This way no matter what happens in your life, you'll be in the best of hands!

Once again, be welcomed!
With the Love of Christ Jesus.
Nick
<><
 
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I think it's good that you want to stay true to yourself and not go to church to please them. It's a bit weird that they expect that.
It does give problems with raising kids. Do you like it if he would teach your kids about Jesus and take em to church? I was married to an atheist. He faked being very interested in God (I initially broke it off because he didn't believe) and went to church w me til we were married. Then he stopped w that and it turned out he didnt believe one bit. I like it that you're honest. The Bible says that a christian may not marry a non christian.
I hated his video games and his worldly music. He hated the preachings I listened to and the worship music. So he sat in one corner of the room w headphones on playing World of Warcraft and I sat in the other corner w headphones on, listening to Hal Lindsey, an end time preacher, cause I hoped Jesus would come back so I'd be freed from this horrible marriage. Cosy.
My dad was atheist and my mom reformed. She didnt really have a relationship with God, but she believed. She used to go to church every sunday and he with her. After marriage he didn't go and she didn't go anymore either. She was not allowed to tell us about Jesus. He would just mock God and faith. Then one day me and my brother got saved. He was zen meditating and saw Jesus. I tested if God existed with: if this doesnt happen, I dont believe in God for a year and it all happened and we went to a pentecostal church where we got saved. My mom was afraid we were in a cult, so she came to see what it was. She got saved too. My poor dad. His whole family had gone crazy. Mom wouldnt shut up about how fabulous Jesus was. We almost have him saved now. He goes to church sometimes. He never mocks God anymore. They have a good marriage now, but it was not easy.
She learned to not bombard him with Jesus and he learned to respect her faith.
 
Member
No. My disbelief does not come from my parents. I think for myself. I do not like groupthink mentality. They did not once tell me God exist or does not. My parents are nothing ideologically. They are probably agnostic, and for a very long time they did not like what I actually believe, but after they have seen what I believe works very well for me, and makes me successful, they did not tell me I was wrong. I proved that it works for me, and they have seen the fruit of it in my life.

What atheists think, say, or do does not matter to me. I am not an atheist, but I question things all the time. I say this because it seems that is your conclusion about me? I think some atheists are left-brain and wrong on the "spiritual" things, but they are definitely more right than what Christians believe, and forgive me for being honest.

I think it is difficult to put me in a box, and sometimes it makes people uncomfortable about me, because I am not this or that. I am not white, or black, atheist or theist, democrat or republican. I made my own principles, philosophy, and conclusions as I grow up and the things I believe are not popular, and usually keep them for myself. Sometimes I share them with those who are interested to hear about them, and only if I know they will understand what I tell them. You know. . . some people will mock your path, and others will not understand anything, and some will tell you what you believe is the devil himself, so why should I bother when I do not want others to follow my path but find what works for them instead?

I happened to believe that deities aka gods are merely archetypes representing human instinct, or things in nature. Some gods represent what I call a higher human potential, meaning spiritual awakening, or being a conscious being, perhaps even becoming a god yourself. I do not worship anything. I think it is a self-degrading act. Thus, I will never become part of Christianity or any theistic religion. All the gods and goddess live within me already, from Zeus to Ishtar to Aphrodite, Ra and finally Jesus himself (not the biblical one, but his consciousness.) You may say I am on some level a deist, or natural.

You said this "if your BF really believes in Jesus Christ as his Savior. He will either leave, fall away from what he believes, or you will. "

By the way, it really hurts people when you say such things. These "if- statements, DO" are often used to control or manipulative others emotionally or mentally. I do not think you understand where I am coming from, but that is fine. You will know by the end of this reply.

I am in love with him. Deeply in love. I am not thinking about marriage much at this point, but he could be the one for me. Did not Jesus teach love? I thought he did. I do not want him to leave his religion. I also careless if he did fall away from what he believes. I mean I did many times, and life goes on. It is good to change your mind about things. I really will not care much as long as he is still the same person I love and admire. You may say that is being selfish, but I will tell you that we are all selfish beings, and we always desire what is good for us all the time, and besides he makes his own choices. It is not my fault if he decides to quit a religion.

No, I will never become a Christian, and I tell you why. Among all the things in the Bible that I disagree with, I will pick "the very thing" that hinders me from becoming a Christian, and it is Romans 13:1–7. Also, pretty much everything Paul says I often dislike. I do not like him, and I do not think he will like a woman like me. I do not submit to authorities. I think your statement explain what "You" think he should do more than anything.

My bf is a good Christian, and he really believes in Jesus at the same time he disagrees with me and that is ok. I am glad not all believers are out there to convert you, scare you, or too concern about you lacking a faith in their god. My bf said once he was not going to marry a Non-Christian ever, but later he has changed because he told me *many* times he was not going to leave me if I do not believe, and I made sure of it. His parents do not seem happy about our relationship. They have implied that many times, and it saddens me. I think it is heartbreaking some parents hold their religion that much. I am a good person, but if things do not improve with them, I will have to fight them for what I think is my natural right, but I am still hoping for the better, that they will change, and see the good their son sees in me. We are only here for a short time, and what we do matters, not what we believe. I will not become a Christian by rejecting me.

This is what you said to justify your previous statement: " The reason being for this, is that the believer is drawn with a desire to get closer to Jesus and walk in His ways."

So let me say your mother no longer believes in Christianity. Does that make her no longer your mother who loved you and cared for you all this time? This tells me that some of you are very insecure about what you actually believe. Am I going to take him away from following Jesus? I will not, even though Jesus is really – nobody. At least to me.

There are also historians who believe Jesus did not exist, and support their claims. I am not saying they are right. What historians tell you is not an evidence anyway. That is a fallacy called an appeal to authority. Where is the evidence? I want to believe in Jesus at least from my own perspective. You need to provide me with an evidence of his existence, rather than telling me what others think. The truth is we do not know much about Jesus, and if he ever existed. If Jesus truly existed, I would still have some doubts about what his followers say he is. I do not believe in miracles, virgin birth, or that he is the son of god. Most of these doctrines are pieces of art probably from older Sumerian, Egyptian texts mixed with ancient Canaanite religions, mostly a fabricated evolved version of the god El. I had comparative religion courses at university. It is not difficult to see it, even if you did not study ancient religions. I mean, how many Christian sects are there? My bf and his family are Lutherans. You could be a Baptist, or whatever. Why do not they all believe in the same doctrines or church, if God is true and guiding them? Is not this like any other religion in this world? There might be a true version of Christianity after all. What if that happened to be the gospel of Thomas?

I understand some people may experience something and have a genuine faith, but that is also subjective. I have a friend who continually experience seeing ghosts, angels, demons, and the paranormal, but that does not make these things true to me or meaningful, because I never experienced them. By the way, I am a student of psychology, and I am sure we call this psychosis according to the DSM, but I will not go there. I am not denying "the religious/spiritual experience itself." but that makes Jesus your lord and savior, not mine.

Thank you for reply. Sorry, I am too honest here about what I think. I am not always this honest about what I think with my BF or with his parents, only because I fear hurting him, or being disrespectful. Religion is no good debate in a relationship. It is a romance killer. That is why I am here. I may learn something from you how to deal with this, since you follow this religion. What do you mean I need to come to Jesus? I think he should come to me, if he is there, but I do not hear him or see him calling me. . . . Your name is Christ4Ever so I can accept it from you. Who knows maybe I am the one who will convert you in the end. haha.


Newname. They did not expect it from me, or asked me to join them. I did it out of love. This also happened because he suggested it. I do not think he was serious about it, but I did not know what to say at that time. I thought something like "Are you kidding? No, thanks." would be rude. . . Now it has been 2 months of me attending church. Sadly, It opened a door for religious debates, and I want to shut it completely. Going to church makes me so nervous too. Maybe I made a mistake going there. No, I will not fake becoming a Christian at any point in this relationship because I respect myself, even if he decides to leave me for it, then I will swallow my pain, and move on with someone who accepts me for who I am, not what I believe.

I am not thinking about marriage really, not until I graduate, but if he brings me a ring, that is a different story. Not really worried about taking kids to a church. I may not like it, but if they want to go, then I will let them go. Why not? If he teaches them about Jesus, I also should teach them about the other side of the equation. It is fair. Do not tell me this will be confusing for the kids, because I am not the one indoctrinating them with anything. I am only balancing it.

You said: "The Bible says that a christian may not marry a non christian." I am not concerned about my bf breaking his religious rules. It means nothing to me really. As far as I see it. He is not bigoted towards non-Christians. He said he was dating a Christian for 2 years before we met, then she left him. (Glad she did! he is the sweetest person I ever knew.) This also proves religion is not always working for those who believe the same thing. By the way, we are not sexually active in this relationship. I respect his wishes. – Sex happened only twice- and both times this occurred, he told me later on that he made a mistake that this should not have happened. I told him I do not judge nor he should feel guilty for it, because it holds no moral values to me abstaining from sex. As you can see, I am not concerned about him breaking all the religious rules in the book, or leaving his faith all together, but I will make my best to make this work for him as much as possible because I love him, but I have no interest in Christianity or Jesus, whatsoever.

You do not need to like the same things. I think being committed to each other is far more important. I do not mock god or someone's belief. This is just not me at all. I careless what others believe as long as they do not bother me with it, or disrespect me for not believing it , then I will not care what they listen to, or watch , or do. I see positive things in Christianity. It makes good people even better, but I do not agree with all its teachings. That is all. Some things seem far more negative than good in the bible, but Christians focus on the good part anyway and that is far important. Thank you. I hope this explains more about where I stand and I will read the links you sent me soon.
 
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Staff Member
If I quit going to church would that hinder my relationship? I love my boyfriend, but I want to stay true to myself. How I can tell them in a polite way that I do not want to attend church anymore without me hurting their feelings or being disrespectful? Can I tell my boyfriend to make some boundaries with his parents? I mean my parents do not get involved much in my private life.
Hello BubbleFlower<
Since reading from your long response to both who have responded to you. I gather you really don't want to know about how Christians deal with the unevenly yoked perspective. You have your mind made up, so I'll be brief and as concise in just discussing your initial questions.

If I quit going to church would that hinder my relationship: I guess you'll find out. Perpetuating a lie will only make it more painful further down the line should your relationship go to the next level with the BF.

Polite way: Sit down with them, and have a talk. You're educated and so I figure you'll find a way of communicating that to them that you don't believe as they do, and have no desire to, and so you won't be attending church with them anymore. Go any further into it, then "I just don't believe as you do." and it could create hurt feelings.

Boundaries: Depends on what you mean by boundaries. What is it exactly that you expect the BF to do or not do as it pertains to his parents? Also, you can't relate your relationship with your parents with his. So, far he hasn't told you that he wonders why your parents aren't more concerned with your life as his are or has he?

No Evangelizing in this one :shades:

With the Love of Christ Jesus.
Nick
<><
 
Member
Hello, Nick.

No, I do not want to hear it. Trust me. I did very long hours hearing & reading about unequally yoked relationships. I even watched sermons about it before I came to this site, and probably could write you a booklet about the subject now. I would appreciate it more, if any of you help me overcome the obstacles here, since you do practice this religion, and understand it more than I do. I guess that works. "I just do not believe it." since I do not want to have religious debates, period.

About these boundaries:

Sadly, I decided this will be the next phase with my bf. So I need to explain more.

His father is neutral. This has to do with the mother. She is a tough person. It is not easy to like her. She called me a spoiled child. That made me upset. Things has improved, but I am clueless what may trigger her, if I decide not to go to his family church. I know she was pressuring my bf to leave me. She told me her son is disobeying God and in a very "dark" place. I asked her why she thinks that. She said something about her son sacrificing "everything" to be with me, and she wishes I would just do "a little" for him. I do not know what that means, but that tells me how much my bf is going through. He got a very hardheaded mother. will not even dream of my mother saying something like that to my bf.

I want him to get used to it: saying "no." to his parents. I think his parents controlling him much and using his religion against him. If this does not work. My bf must move on from his parents for a while. He needs to stop talking to them and seeing them all together, maybe find a different church/denomination. If they make peace with his choices, then he could still talk to them. I am not sure if there is a better way to deal with his dogmatic mother. I do not know if i can win her. Every time he apologies to me about his mother, I tell him it is ok because she loves him and cares about him, but I am not going to enable more of this.

He does not have to wonder about it. He met my mom way before I met his parents. He was surprised how very liberal and friendly she is. My parents happened to be concerned about other things, such as school, and my health, and alcohol (my past problems due to depression.) not the faith of the person I am dating. We are not perfect. We have our troubles. My parents separated when I was 10, but they love me regardless. I am not spoiled. I consider myself luckier than a lot.

Thank you for giving me an insight. I may not respond quickly from now. I happened to be travelling this week.

Kacey,
 
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Do a little for him, sounds like go to church?
I had a muslim collegue who fell in love with an atheist collegue. Her dad did not agree. He became muslim to please them. She said to us: oh don't you find it sweet that he did that for me? Yeah really sweet. Hey George are you a muslim now? Yeah yeah says George. He doesn't believe God or Allah exists anyway. He liked her. They're married now for 20 years. It goes well cause she is not really muslim, just in name. She couldn't even explain who Mohammed was.

I have the idea you think too lightly about it, just because it's christianity. The response from family will not be like: oooh no problem, do whatever you like son.
 
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Hello, Nick.

No, I do not want to hear it. Trust me. I did very long hours hearing & reading about unequally yoked relationships. I even watched sermons about it before I came to this site, and probably could write you a booklet about the subject now. I would appreciate it more, if any of you help me overcome the obstacles here, since you do practice this religion, and understand it more than I do. I guess that works. "I just do not believe it." since I do not want to have religious debates, period.

About these boundaries:

Sadly, I decided this will be the next phase with my bf. So I need to explain more.

His father is neutral. This has to do with the mother. She is a tough person. It is not easy to like her. She called me a spoiled child. That made me upset. Things has improved, but I am clueless what may trigger her, if I decide not to go to his family church. I know she was pressuring my bf to leave me. She told me her son is disobeying God and in a very "dark" place. I asked her why she thinks that. She said something about her son sacrificing "everything" to be with me, and she wishes I would just do "a little" for him. I do not know what that means, but that tells me how much my bf is going through. He got a very hardheaded mother. will not even dream of my mother saying something like that to my bf.

I want him to get used to it: saying "no." to his parents. I think his parents controlling him much and using his religion against him. If this does not work. My bf must move on from his parents for a while. He needs to stop talking to them and seeing them all together, maybe find a different church/denomination. If they make peace with his choices, then he could still talk to them. I am not sure if there is a better way to deal with his dogmatic mother. I do not know if i can win her. Every time he apologies to me about his mother, I tell him it is ok because she loves him and cares about him, but I am not going to enable more of this.

He does not have to wonder about it. He met my mom way before I met his parents. He was surprised how very liberal and friendly she is. My parents happened to be concerned about other things, such as school, and my health, and alcohol (my past problems due to depression.) not the faith of the person I am dating. We are not perfect. We have our troubles. My parents separated when I was 10, but they love me regardless. I am not spoiled. I consider myself luckier than a lot.

Thank you for giving me an insight. I may not respond quickly from now. I happened to be travelling this week.

Kacey,
If he may not see them or talk to them from you and go to a different church, he goes from a mom who wants to control him to a girlfriend who wants to control him. Not a good idea. He's a grown up and lets see what he does.
 
Member
No. His mother does not really care to be honest if I do not go to church, but she may use that against him. She wants him to leave, so I expect really anything from her. I mostly go there to support my boyfriend. His priest knows I do not believe. He is ok with it as long as I do not participate in certain things during the service. I just get nervous when people stand up for worship because I am the only one who does not. My boyfriend is not happy about this at all. He is not happy with his mom and his priest. He must cut ties with those who do not accept his own choices, period. You think that is controlling him, but it is not. I am trying to free him actually. We do not have sex. That is a big red flag. I might be young, but I am not a child or ignorant. It is his religion in control, and not me. I hope we can reach a compromise, but I doubt that will happen, if he does not leave his family church. There are tons of other churches after all. He does not have to attend that one. We all go through painful process in life in order to evolve and learn. I had my spiritual experience when my twin sister died. Very painful. I decided to kill myself, but I survived it, and it made me who I am today. You see why I am majoring in psychology? I really wanted to understand my own craziness haha! My bf will probably go through something very painful soon that will change him a bit. He needs to choose His happiness or his family way. That is all. I really do not want to take him away from his family or his Christian community, but so be it if things escalate to this point.

Not sure I should continue to post here because I wonder if any of you have feelings.

Kacey,
 
Moderator
Staff Member
Hello, Nick.

No, I do not want to hear it. Trust me. I did very long hours hearing & reading about unequally yoked relationships. I even watched sermons about it before I came to this site, and probably could write you a booklet about the subject now. I would appreciate it more, if any of you help me overcome the obstacles here, since you do practice this religion, and understand it more than I do. I guess that works. "I just do not believe it." since I do not want to have religious debates, period.

About these boundaries:

Sadly, I decided this will be the next phase with my bf. So I need to explain more.

His father is neutral. This has to do with the mother. She is a tough person. It is not easy to like her. She called me a spoiled child. That made me upset. Things has improved, but I am clueless what may trigger her, if I decide not to go to his family church. I know she was pressuring my bf to leave me. She told me her son is disobeying God and in a very "dark" place. I asked her why she thinks that. She said something about her son sacrificing "everything" to be with me, and she wishes I would just do "a little" for him. I do not know what that means, but that tells me how much my bf is going through. He got a very hardheaded mother. will not even dream of my mother saying something like that to my bf.

I want him to get used to it: saying "no." to his parents. I think his parents controlling him much and using his religion against him. If this does not work. My bf must move on from his parents for a while. He needs to stop talking to them and seeing them all together, maybe find a different church/denomination. If they make peace with his choices, then he could still talk to them. I am not sure if there is a better way to deal with his dogmatic mother. I do not know if i can win her. Every time he apologies to me about his mother, I tell him it is ok because she loves him and cares about him, but I am not going to enable more of this.

He does not have to wonder about it. He met my mom way before I met his parents. He was surprised how very liberal and friendly she is. My parents happened to be concerned about other things, such as school, and my health, and alcohol (my past problems due to depression.) not the faith of the person I am dating. We are not perfect. We have our troubles. My parents separated when I was 10, but they love me regardless. I am not spoiled. I consider myself luckier than a lot.

Thank you for giving me an insight. I may not respond quickly from now. I happened to be travelling this week.

Kacey,
Dear Kacey,
No problem on quick responses. I'm old school that still remembers sending letters through the mail :smile:

To be succinct. It's not your call on what your BF should do as it pertains to his relationship with his parents. You can always offer advise, but ultimately he has to decide on what he should do. To do otherwise is to actively go against not just his family, but the foundation of that family, which is their faith. Not that it would be you directly, rather the BF, but the motivating force behind him would be you. For you're the one who is not happy and he cares for you. Your BF, probably just wishes this issue didn't exist period, and would rather not deal with it. Most men prefer the avoidance method on family conflicts. However, something tells me that this is not going to happen.

Which leads to a question I have for you. Do you love your BF enough to give him up? My daughter would reply with "Why must I always be the one to give up on (fill in blank), and not the other person?" :shades:

Hope your travels went well.

With the Love of Christ Jesus.
Nick
<><

P.S. I haven't read the succeeding postings yet. Will do when I get the chance.
 
Member
Nick,

Yeah travels went well and thank you. Going to be busy with my studies . Of course, I can only advise him. He is an adult, financially independent, and he makes his own choices. What he decides to do is completely up to him. I want my man to be sovereign, but he is the only one who will have to deal with their crap, if he does not cut these ties. I honestly think the mother has a mental problem. This is the reason why I think he should cut ties. I do not think she is a good parent. I do not see how my boyfriend could have a mother like that.

I assure you that I will be an adversary when people pose a threat to my happiness. I understand his parents are traditional, but they need to respect his choices. If his family ends up being an obstacle for me, I plan to remove them completely. If I decide that is how things must go, I will be ruthless on both Spiritual and Psychological levels. They do not stand a chance actually, and they will lose their son. That is not good for them.

No, I will not give him up. I actually do not love this relationship to the point where I cannot see die like you think. I do not love anything that much. I only loved a sister that much and she died. She taught me in my suicide attempt that Death is a natural process, and that I need to accept it. Death is genuine and a creative force, but I will put up a fight. Giving up is just a weakness. As I said before, my parents used to tell me all the times that I am doing this or that wrong, but I proved it to them that my path works well for me. Now they do not tell me what to do or how to think anymore.
 
Moderator
Staff Member
Nick,

Yeah travels went well and thank you. Going to be busy with my studies . Of course, I can only advise him. He is an adult, financially independent, and he makes his own choices. What he decides to do is completely up to him. I want my man to be sovereign, but he is the only one who will have to deal with their crap, if he does not cut these ties. I honestly think the mother has a mental problem. This is the reason why I think he should cut ties. I do not think she is a good parent. I do not see how my boyfriend could have a mother like that.

I assure you that I will be an adversary when people pose a threat to my happiness. I understand his parents are traditional, but they need to respect his choices. If his family ends up being an obstacle for me, I plan to remove them completely. If I decide that is how things must go, I will be ruthless on both Spiritual and Psychological levels. They do not stand a chance actually, and they will lose their son. That is not good for them.

No, I will not give him up. I actually do not love this relationship to the point where I cannot see die like you think. I do not love anything that much. I only loved a sister that much and she died. She taught me in my suicide attempt that Death is a natural process, and that I need to accept it. Death is genuine and a creative force, but I will put up a fight. Giving up is just a weakness. As I said before, my parents used to tell me all the times that I am doing this or that wrong, but I proved it to them that my path works well for me. Now they do not tell me what to do or how to think anymore.
Hello Kacey,
Glad all went well, and do hope your studies go well too. Now on to the other items you mentioned. Seems you view him as independent, but not so much that you're willing to leave this decision up to him :smile: at least not making the right one as far as you're concerned. LOL Now making a medical diagnosis on his mother, is pretty much like her making one on you. Don't you think?

I've been married 35 years, and was dating for 1 and living together for 1. Never easy in the beginning, and then came the children! Gosh, how do you think that will work should you and the BF have any? Mother-in-Law has been cut out of the sons life, and I'm sure you won't allow contact with the grandchildren either! You might not care or be overly concerned, but will he?

I know when you're living the experience it becomes hard to put yourself outside of it to try to look at it objectively. Still I do believe you should try. Look at it as if this happened to you. Would you be happy or be able to find a place of peace knowing that grandchildren are out there but you won't be able to see or talk to them??? Then again you could be like my daughter and husband. They don't want any children.....ever! Still, how far the relationship is to travel, really depends on both of you and how much give and take there is and whether its equitable. Too far one way or the other, and eventually one will feel abused or taken advantage of. Compromise, is a necessary art in any relationship, and for the Christian, being a Servant is. Not meaning to Evangelize, but just so you know that this is part of the dynamics you have to deal with when in a relationship with a person of faith, and in particular a Christian.

If, he continues studying Scripture, and growing in the Word of God, and you stay where you are. Eventually a wall that already exists will start to become more evident. Usually to both, but diffidently to one or the other over time. This will either move you in one direction or the other. Closer together to discuss the wall and why it's there, and then what to do about it or ignore it all together and wind up being just two people living together under the same roof, with little else in common. The third alternative is that you'll both eventually go your separate ways. Probably no different in a non-faith relationship, but here the issue that causes it will be quite evident from the start.

You may not agree with this, but Love is actually sacrificial in nature, if its to mean anything at all. However, I won't follow that train of thought because it will appear to be moving back into the Evangelizing arena again, and we don't want that! :smile: :shades:

Now on your combativeness for your happiness. It's like during the time of the Reformation when Catholics and Protestants were going at it. Difficult to tell the difference, so the Priests would say "Kill them all, and God will know his own." another way of saying it would be as during my military days "take no prisons" type of mindset. Sadly, it looks like if you continue on this type of mindset that you'll have the life set for a Greek Tragedy to be written. I truly do not desire this for any of you. Meaning both families.

Now on the subject of death. Sorry for the loss of your sister. Loss an older brother when I was 18. Never easy. Everyone believes the old adage of the only sure things being "death & taxes". Now for a little Evangelism. :smile: Death is not natural and the reason that people have difficulty with it, is because the Devil (I know, you don't believe in him either.), has been holding that over mankind's head for a very long time. However, Jesus got the keys, and is why as a believer in Jesus, we don't let it get us down. In fact, it's a move from here to there so to speak and there is where we want to be! Okay that's my two cents (copper coins rarely seen these days), on the subject of death and how I as a Christian look at it....bare bones style anyway. Finite :shades:

Well, I will be praying that all of you are guided to a resolution that brings joy and happiness to all parties concerned. Rarely accomplished, but still hoped for Kacey.

With the Love of Christ Jesus.
Nick
<><
 
Member
Hello. You read it. My boyfriend is a Christian. I am not. We have been together for 1.5 year.

Things got awkward the day I met his parents. I mean I have always known my boyfriend to have a strong faith in God, and this was never a problem in our relationships. We do not talk much about religion. I think my bf is easy going and open-minded more than anything and I like these qualities in him, but his parents are nothing like that and I was not expecting it.

They asked me if I go to church, if my parents are saved, and if I am saved and what I think of God and their faith and if I want to be a Christian one day …etc… My boyfriend knows about my beliefs and how I grew up far away from the church, but I am not comfortable sharing them with his parents. I started going to his family church after I met them but I feel like this need to stop. I do not think much of God, and I do not even know if Jesus ever walked this earth. I do not enjoy taking part in traditional Christian things. I think his family like me for the most part, but they seem very concerned about trivial things, such as having sex before marriage, or lacking faith, and even raising children "not in the faith!" I am 22 so this is too much for me and makes me very uncomfortable and my boyfriend is 26.

If I quit going to church would that hinder my relationship? I love my boyfriend, but I want to stay true to myself. How I can tell them in a polite way that I do not want to attend church anymore without me hurting their feelings or being disrespectful? Can I tell my boyfriend to make some boundaries with his parents? I mean my parents do not get involved much in my private life.

Thank you,
Hey I respect your opinion God gave everyone free will. But mind i tell you that without Christs death and resurrection the Gospel wouldnt be possible. There would be no new testament and etc. Christ died and came back to tell his apostles to go out and preach to the nations. Also if you read revelations in the bible and look at what's going on in the world today in the middle east and at the Vatican you will see that the Prophecies are being fulfilled. But anyways I understand your inquiry. Also I seen another post on your thread here. God does not forbid believers to be married to unbelievers but it makes it very difficult to follow God in certain circumstances. Let me name the most common one which is fornication which is sex before marriage. I dont know if you guys are sexually intimate yet and I do not want to know it's not my business. But the reason I am bringing this up is because it's pretty common in today's world to have sex before marriage. And if he has not told you yet that he does not want to be intimate than it's a problem that can arise in the future where he might change his mind and want to wait until he gets married. God intended people to only be intimate when they get married. And there is other circumstances that can arise but I'm not going to get into every circumstance or there will be a whole novel on here.
 
Member
Hey I respect your opinion God gave everyone free will. But mind i tell you that without Christs death and resurrection the Gospel wouldnt be possible. There would be no new testament and etc. Christ died and came back to tell his apostles to go out and preach to the nations. Also if you read revelations in the bible and look at what's going on in the world today in the middle east and at the Vatican you will see that the Prophecies are being fulfilled. But anyways I understand your inquiry. Also I seen another post on your thread here. God does not forbid believers to be married to unbelievers but it makes it very difficult to follow God in certain circumstances. Let me name the most common one which is fornication which is sex before marriage. I dont know if you guys are sexually intimate yet and I do not want to know it's not my business. But the reason I am bringing this up is because it's pretty common in today's world to have sex before marriage. And if he has not told you yet that he does not want to be intimate than it's a problem that can arise in the future where he might change his mind and want to wait until he gets married. God intended people to only be intimate when they get married. And there is other circumstances that can arise but I'm not going to get into every circumstance or there will be a whole novel on here.
My therapist will help him with the guilt. She is very good. It is sickening what religion does to people. If you read the previous posts here, you should know we are not sexually active in this relationship. It happened two times only - Will your God send him to hell now? People in my age have sex all the times in relationships. It is not "common." it is natural.

There is nothing wrong with the world. Maybe, there is something wrong with YOU. Also, do not give me the religious terminology about having sex. It is nonsense and it disgusts me. This is my post and I am NOT going to discuss this here, or allow judgment against my boyfriend. This is nobody business. I am not comfortable discussing this here.
 
Member
There are two people in this relationship, Nick. I am depressed just reading the posts here, so imagine when you have to deal with people like that in your life. It is going to influence him eventually. As I said before, my boyfriend must cut ties with those who interfere in his personal life, period. He should write them a letter telling them he will not allow this and move on. What he needs to do next is find people who will support him strengthening this relationship. He needs to meet more of my friends.

I will talk to him this week and I will insist that we both need to see the therapist, if he wants to save this relationship. I will pay half the costs. If he does not agree, I will have to move on, and wait him to take a serious decision. As I said, he needs to go through a painful process soon. I will not stay in this relationship, if he does not cut these ties. He has to choose.

There is nothing wrong with my mindset. I think differently from Christians. That is all. I am responsible for my actions. I do not ask Jesus or God to take the responsibility for my actions. Sorry to hear about your brother. Yeah it can be devastating.

Thank you,
 
Moderator
Staff Member
There are two people in this relationship, Nick. I am depressed just reading the posts here, so imagine when you have to deal with people like that in your life. It is going to influence him eventually. As I said before, my boyfriend must cut ties with those who interfere in his personal life, period. He should write them a letter telling them he will not allow this and move on. What he needs to do next is find people who will support him strengthening this relationship. He needs to meet more of my friends.

I will talk to him this week and I will insist that we both need to see the therapist, if he wants to save this relationship. I will pay half the costs. If he does not agree, I will have to move on, and wait him to take a serious decision. As I said, he needs to go through a painful process soon. I will not stay in this relationship, if he does not cut these ties. He has to choose.

There is nothing wrong with my mindset. I think differently from Christians. That is all. I am responsible for my actions. I do not ask Jesus or God to take the responsibility for my actions. Sorry to hear about your brother. Yeah it can be devastating.

Thank you,
Hello Kacey
It's never as easy as just two people in a relationship. The effects of everything one or the other experiences or comes into contact with in the World will affect what happens between you two and so your relationship and whether it works out or not. Be it work, finances, school, family and friends etc. These are the outside influences that will affect what happens at home between you two.

I'm sure you realize that there are no perfect relationships. What you should be seeking to do is to be at peace with whatever comes your way so that both of you will remain together, in as loving/sharing relationship as one can have. Growing to a ripe old age, and then becoming dirt, which one always hopes after a long relationship winds up being at the same time. (wink)

Now I'm going to reach for the moment into a religious arena that I've given to those who might not be religious, but if one is to give it thought, will be able to be appreciated for what it is saying. For sadly, too often we believe that we are in control and can do it all. Sounds nice, but it is not a truism by any means to the reality of life. It's called the Serenity Prayer.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.


Too often as purveyors of our own truth, we attempt to make life as accommodating to what we believe is best for us unconsciously or consciously, without regard of the effects it may have on others. Which goes hand in hand with the old Law of the Jungle, of tooth and claw. The Alpha personality controls the situation, which means that power makes right, and so everything else becomes secondary to self fulfillment or self satisfaction. At least in the eyes of the person who is in control or believes they are :smile: Even if this is not the case, and it happens to be a unified endeavor it's still what is best for us that comes first, and the rest be damned.

I'm not saying that you necessarily are all into this point of view, or you'd not be seeking ways to make your relationship work with a man who clearly does not have a belief system that coincides with yours. You call it Love, which to me being on the outside looking in can only see this abstract word as being defined by your words/actions that are actually the antithesis to what is generally thought of as being loving behaviors. At least as it is in respect to others that you have no clear attachment to outside of your BF relationship.

To me and those who believe as I do, see Love as act that supersedes self in the final analysis. That is why the act of Jesus on the Cross, whether you believe it happened in reality or see it as only a made up fairy tale, has become so poignant and has effected the World ever since it came to humanities awareness. Until then, Love was never seen as something that one should give or share with anyone who would not reciprocate in kind or did not benefit oneself in some way. To do otherwise, was considered foolishness at best.

That you have reached a point that you see no other way out but by using ultimatums is really sad, but not unexpected. As just a thought. If the BF says yes to the therapist, and the therapist says that you're the one who will have to yield as it pertains to this situation with his parents. What will you then do? I say this, because you are bringing up the therapist, in the belief that this stranger will see it your way and not his. Keep in mind that your BF has his whole life invested in the ones who gave him life, and helped him to become the man you love and for which you are willing to fight for. However, say the therapist sees it you way. Would you be willing to do the same with your own parents as well?

I'm sure the quick answer is yes, but in the long run and with great thought, you'll find it will not be so easy a thing to do.

My Evangelism part now :smile: Jesus died on the Cross for everyone and that includes you Kacey. Whether you stay with your BF or not.As I've said before, I truly hope and pray the best for all concerned.

With the Love of Christ Jesus.
Nick
<><
 
Member
Hello Kacey
It's never as easy as just two people in a relationship. The effects of everything one or the other experiences or comes into contact with in the World will affect what happens between you two and so your relationship and whether it works out or not. Be it work, finances, school, family and friends etc. These are the outside influences that will affect what happens at home between you two.

I'm sure you realize that there are no perfect relationships. What you should be seeking to do is to be at peace with whatever comes your way so that both of you will remain together, in as loving/sharing relationship as one can have. Growing to a ripe old age, and then becoming dirt, which one always hopes after a long relationship winds up being at the same time. (wink)

Now I'm going to reach for the moment into a religious arena that I've given to those who might not be religious, but if one is to give it thought, will be able to be appreciated for what it is saying. For sadly, too often we believe that we are in control and can do it all. Sounds nice, but it is not a truism by any means to the reality of life. It's called the Serenity Prayer.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.


Too often as purveyors of our own truth, we attempt to make life as accommodating to what we believe is best for us unconsciously or consciously, without regard of the effects it may have on others. Which goes hand in hand with the old Law of the Jungle, of tooth and claw. The Alpha personality controls the situation, which means that power makes right, and so everything else becomes secondary to self fulfillment or self satisfaction. At least in the eyes of the person who is in control or believes they are :smile: Even if this is not the case, and it happens to be a unified endeavor it's still what is best for us that comes first, and the rest be damned.

I'm not saying that you necessarily are all into this point of view, or you'd not be seeking ways to make your relationship work with a man who clearly does not have a belief system that coincides with yours. You call it Love, which to me being on the outside looking in can only see this abstract word as being defined by your words/actions that are actually the antithesis to what is generally thought of as being loving behaviors. At least as it is in respect to others that you have no clear attachment to outside of your BF relationship.

To me and those who believe as I do, see Love as act that supersedes self in the final analysis. That is why the act of Jesus on the Cross, whether you believe it happened in reality or see it as only a made up fairy tale, has become so poignant and has effected the World ever since it came to humanities awareness. Until then, Love was never seen as something that one should give or share with anyone who would not reciprocate in kind or did not benefit oneself in some way. To do otherwise, was considered foolishness at best.

That you have reached a point that you see no other way out but by using ultimatums is really sad, but not unexpected. As just a thought. If the BF says yes to the therapist, and the therapist says that you're the one who will have to yield as it pertains to this situation with his parents. What will you then do? I say this, because you are bringing up the therapist, in the belief that this stranger will see it your way and not his. Keep in mind that your BF has his whole life invested in the ones who gave him life, and helped him to become the man you love and for which you are willing to fight for. However, say the therapist sees it you way. Would you be willing to do the same with your own parents as well?

I'm sure the quick answer is yes, but in the long run and with great thought, you'll find it will not be so easy a thing to do.

My Evangelism part now :smile: Jesus died on the Cross for everyone and that includes you Kacey. Whether you stay with your BF or not.As I've said before, I truly hope and pray the best for all concerned.

With the Love of Christ Jesus.
Nick
<><
Hi Nick,

My boyfriend agreed to go to the couple therapy. The bad news, he mentioned I was disrespectful to his mother, but not sure why he thinks that. It was not disrespectful, if he actually knew the context. This is the reason I want to keep my distance from now on. I hope one day I can win her and change how she sees me. I am not a bad person, but I believe I am stronger than most girls I know. It is not easy to break me. I told his mom once she is being too judgmental, but I do not think it is rude to tell her that! I also remember I said something about how religion did more harm than good. She told me that is rudeness, and I must respect her faith, but I do not think I was disrespectful in any way. It was a general statement.

I pulled his hand once and told his mom he is mine. I think that was not appropriate behavior, but she was questioning my integrity with her son. She was like "Hush! Do not talk to me like that, spoiled child! You are a disgrace to my son, but we always pray for your soul!" I apologized, but she was not happy. Her husband jumped in to fix it for her. It was so bad. That was the only time I think I went out of my way. It is not easy to cope with her. I do not have this problem with his dad. He tells me he does not understand what I like about his son since I do not share his faith, but he does not make me feel bad about myself. His mom even made some unnecessary comments about how I dress and look. I wear whatever makes me confident. I dress sexy sometimes, but I am not always flashy or wearing too much makeup. It is elegant, not provocative, or too revealing. That is why I told her she is being judgmental.

I think I get it. I also do not want to be that girl who goes to church and the next day she is clubbing. I actually talked to my mom about the possibility of converting to Christianity. She is not against it, but she found it very weird. I changed my mind because I do not think it will be genuine faith. All I am thinking about is my boyfriend not God. I was reading the bible more, but I was unable to find what made people believe any of this. Not saying this is all fairy tales, but I am skeptic about a lot of things. I think Jesus (if he existed) is a great spiritual teacher, but that is it. I am not interested in the ideological side.

The therapist is not a stranger. She worked with my family for 15+ years. She is a licensed counselor. She helped me with my depression & the drinking problems. I trust the approaches and techniques she uses. Of course, I will listen to her even if she tells me I am wrong. I want to know if my bf is happy in his religion. Couple therapy is essential for us now because I had insecurities when my boyfriend left my apartment. I had to pay the rent alone. It was not fair because we moved together. I felt our relationship was at risk. It was very depressing so I questioned if he was breaking up with me. He promised he was not going to leave me, but he made many excuses about moving out. I think my boyfriend needs to prove this relationship is not at risk; If he leaves this Lutheran church and moves in with me again, then I will consider that a compromise. As i said, he can try a different church. That will be enough for me. I can live with that and he does not have to cut his family ties. That is what I told the counselor.

You said my words and actions are the antithesis to "loving" behavior when it comes to others. Who are the "others" here? What they have done me is probably your answer. Look at the question posted on the main page of these forums. 55.7% say Christians can be liberal and half say they cannot. I thought God's spirit is not about confusion, yet believers do not agree on anything at all. They are actually clueless. I have seen Christians doing everything they claim to hate.

My love is different from yours. My love goes to someone who has earned it. I do not love everyone, because hate is an ally of love. It balances the book and it perfects the judgment. I follow my instinct. The intellect often gets in the way, and it stops me from doing what is necessary. It is not by tooth and claw. All I can say I hope they have God. I think they will need him and you minimize it when you call it the law of the jungle, a threat, or an alpha personality. His religion does not bless this relationship in any way. His mother urges him to leave, and his priest told me personally he would not approve of it, unless I become a Christian. So why do you put the blame on me? That which disturbs your soul, you must not suffer. I would say let us bring back Vlad the Impaler, Nero, and Adolf Hitler. People still have not learned from the past.
 
Moderator
Staff Member
Hello Kacey

You're a little here and there on this, so I'll separate them in my reply to you.

Hi Nick,
My boyfriend agreed to go to the couple therapy. The bad news, he mentioned I was disrespectful to his mother, but not sure why he thinks that. It was not disrespectful, if he actually knew the context. This is the reason I want to keep my distance from now on. I hope one day I can win her and change how she sees me. I am not a bad person, but I believe I am stronger than most girls I know. It is not easy to break me. I told his mom once she is being too judgmental, but I do not think it is rude to tell her that! I also remember I said something about how religion did more harm than good. She told me that is rudeness, and I must respect her faith, but I do not think I was disrespectful in any way. It was a general statement.

I pulled his hand once and told his mom he is mine. I think that was not appropriate behavior, but she was questioning my integrity with her son. She was like "Hush! Do not talk to me like that, spoiled child! You are a disgrace to my son, but we always pray for your soul!" I apologized, but she was not happy. Her husband jumped in to fix it for her. It was so bad. That was the only time I think I went out of my way. It is not easy to cope with her. I do not have this problem with his dad. He tells me he does not understand what I like about his son since I do not share his faith, but he does not make me feel bad about myself. His mom even made some unnecessary comments about how I dress and look. I wear whatever makes me confident. I dress sexy sometimes, but I am not always flashy or wearing too much makeup. It is elegant, not provocative, or too revealing. That is why I told her she is being judgmental.
The problem of respect to me appears to be generational. I would say cultural as well, but I don't know any of the background of your BF and his Mother. The further back you go in time, and how the younger people of any particular generation interacted with the elders had a certain communication attached to it. Some would call it old school, but regardless, it was seen that even if the Elder was wrong they were still to be accorded respect. Now a days, it doesn't matter who you are, if one feels they are right. This means right trumps everything else. Not surprisingly, even Christians of this generation can be affected by the norms being displayed by the world in these days. Still, there are pockets of those who adhere to this belief, and it appears that your BF falls into this area of what one could call "Respect your elders."

Is it right? Does it really matter? Just knowing that he does, and she (Mother) expects it should be enough understanding. Why? Because she's of the age that change if it happens, usually only comes from enduring much from the one who expects it. Meaning…it will take time, and great patience on your part if you expect her to change.

You must decide if he's worth it, because it appears from what you said, he does expect it when it pertains to his mother. I'm sure he is respectful when interacting with your own parents, even if he doesn't quite get how everyone expects to be treated. Why? Because that's what he was taught to be from his own parents. For better or worse, always remember that in many ways he is a reflection of his parents as you are of yours. I'm not saying one is right and the other wrong. Growing up where I'm from they would have said "It is what it is".

I hope the counseling works out!!

I think I get it. I also do not want to be that girl who goes to church and the next day she is clubbing. I actually talked to my mom about the possibility of converting to Christianity. She is not against it, but she found it very weird. I changed my mind because I do not think it will be genuine faith. All I am thinking about is my boyfriend not God. I was reading the bible more, but I was unable to find what made people believe any of this. Not saying this is all fairy tales, but I am skeptic about a lot of things. I think Jesus (if he existed) is a great spiritual teacher, but that is it. I am not interested in the ideological side.
Now the religious aspect of this. You are correct in not "converting" to Christianity for the sake of your BF. It would be fake, and eventually do more harm than good in the relationship moving forward. Understanding that every couple that I know of has had their clashes! I can picture you saying in a moment of anger "I never believed anyway!" We wind up saying words that can never be taken back. Though, they can be forgiven.

On the "if he existed" Jesus; to determine the truth of this its usually easy to look at what the enemies of Christianity had to say concerning Him. Meaning, Judaism, Islam, as well as Buddhism and other religions of the day. I would include Atheism, but there weren't many in those days, and if there were they weren't necessarily historical writers. However, in these days it's easier for them to dismiss Historical documents as being contrived. Those of faith if even not Christian, acknowledge Historical documents as proof, especially if it comes from the opposition.

That being said, you will find that Jews, though not believing in Jesus as the Christ, do believe he existed. They do this because it's all across their own recorded history of that time period. By the way not every Jew converted to Christianity even after seeing the things that He did. It's like the old adage about taking a horse to water, but not being able to make him drink! :smile: Plus, they weren't expecting a man on a donkey, but a conquering King that would bring every existing nation under submission to Israeli. Enough said.

The therapist is not a stranger. She worked with my family for 15+ years. She is a licensed counselor. She helped me with my depression & the drinking problems. I trust the approaches and techniques she uses. Of course, I will listen to her even if she tells me I am wrong. I want to know if my bf is happy in his religion. Couple therapy is essential for us now because I had insecurities when my boyfriend left my apartment. I had to pay the rent alone. It was not fair because we moved together. I felt our relationship was at risk. It was very depressing so I questioned if he was breaking up with me. He promised he was not going to leave me, but he made many excuses about moving out. I think my boyfriend needs to prove this relationship is not at risk; If he leaves this Lutheran church and moves in with me again, then I will consider that a compromise. As i said, he can try a different church. That will be enough for me. I can live with that and he does not have to cut his family ties. That is what I told the counselor.
Hummm, where to start. It's good that you have a counselor that you trust, but will your BF have that same trust? The compromise, should not be whether he leaves the church or not, but rather that he is willing to go to counseling with you in the first place. Setting the goal as leaving the church has more to do with his mother and probably the Priest you mentioned, than it does about his faith. Unless you believe by going to another church that his faith will disappear, because it is currently based upon his parents and not his own belief system.

If the latter of the above is true, what happens if he does change church, but his faith remains? Going to kick him to the curb, or maybe take a closer look at what this thing called "faith in Jesus" is really about?

One curious note on what you wrote. You didn't give a time line, but I'm assuming your mentioning of the BF leaving the apartment, happened in the past or is it something that recently happened and whatever the issue that is has been resolved?

If it's still up in the air (relationship/moving in/out); understanding the why of it from his perspective might be a good idea for you and the relationship as a whole. Grab some coffee/tea/or beverage of choice, and sit down at a table and talk. Offer him the option to pray before hand, if it makes him feel better. You might think that would have no effect, but it will be a sign to him that you are open to everything going in to this discussion.

You said my words and actions are the antithesis to "loving" behavior when it comes to others. Who are the "others" here? What they have done me is probably your answer. Look at the question posted on the main page of these forums. 55.7% say Christians can be liberal and half say they cannot. I thought God's spirit is not about confusion, yet believers do not agree on anything at all. They are actually clueless. I have seen Christians doing everything they claim to hate.

My love is different from yours. My love goes to someone who has earned it. I do not love everyone, because hate is an ally of love. It balances the book and it perfects the judgment. I follow my instinct. The intellect often gets in the way, and it stops me from doing what is necessary. It is not by tooth and claw. All I can say I hope they have God. I think they will need him and you minimize it when you call it the law of the jungle, a threat, or an alpha personality. His religion does not bless this relationship in any way. His mother urges him to leave, and his priest told me personally he would not approve of it, unless I become a Christian. So why do you put the blame on me? That which disturbs your soul, you must not suffer. I would say let us bring back Vlad the Impaler, Nero, and Adolf Hitler. People still have not learned from the past.
My apologies on using the word "antithesis". It might have been a little harsh. Let's clear up some of the negative from our previous communication. When I said antithesis as it pertains to love, I am trying to show you that it's not really love, but an affection that you have, which takes precedence over even the object of it, i.e. your BF. This is reflected in the unwillingness to let him go if it came to that. Hold anything too tight and you are more likely going to suffocate the other, and may even come to regret doing so, for I do believe that you do care for him and count it as gain to be with him.

Now to where I'm coming from when I speak of Love. The Greek version is more specific in its use and not as all encompassing as the English word love. That is why when the Bible speaks of Love (English), it's rarely understood within the context that it was meant or was communicated as being. The use of Love in general falls in the Eros, Philia, Storge area. While the Agape one is the one Christians seek to have, because it is what they have received from God through the Sacrifice of Jesus Christ on the Cross. This is also the one Christians without realizing it try to communicate to all people (believe/non-believer alike). So, the expression you might have heard in passing from some Christians trying to be "Christ Like" is a willingness to sacrifice for another without personal gain being attached to it.

Greek words for love
Agape - love of God for man and of man for a good God
Eros - mostly of the sexual passion
Philia - affectionate regard, friendship (What I believe you have for your BF along with I'm sure Eros J )
Storge - love, affection and especially of parents and children

The hope is that what you feel for your BF may blossom into what love is really about. That neither one has to lose, and is considered gain if sacrifice is involved. In my own marriage, I'd rather give up on something I really want, if I can see my wife smile. This doesn't mean that we don't get frustrated with each other, for I don't know of any couple that doesn't have its rollercoaster experiences! It's just that my love for my wife is above personal gain and if you were to ask her, it would probably be the same for her. However, when it's not…that's when the clashes usually happen!! LOL

Oh, by the way I really, really, don't try to hate. It's hard to do, but when I as a Christian realize that Jesus died even for them and I want to be Christ like. How can I justify hating??? I read an article and found a youtube video to show you in a way what I'm talking about. It's real life experience that you might have even heard of happening. You might disagree, but it might help you on how Christians see things......at least those who want to live and be like our Lord & Savior. Love and Forgiveness go hand-in-hand Kacey.


I hope this helps you understand that I was not trying to bash you in anyway, but trying to be clear that the meaning of love for me as a Christian is very different from yours.

As I've said before, I'll be praying for you Kacey and pray for the best for all concerned. Especially for you since you're the one seeking.

With the Love of Christ Jesus.
Nick
<><
 
Member
Hi Nick,

I agree that we have to respect the elders, but there is a huge gap between his family and mine. His mom does not miss one Christian service. My mom never attended a church her entire life. She was always involved in dance and theater growing up. She has been in some bands since she was 18 years old. She worked doing photography, modeling, and fashion shoots. There is nothing Christian about my family, or even me. I was very wild and and had bad reputation because of the drinking issues. I was hanging out with awful people all the time. I struggled with alcohol, did drugs, and had broken relationships, but I changed a lot the past 3 years. Yeah, it is what it is. However, that does not matter much. I dated someone who was very similar to me and it did not work. He was abusive and dangerous. I had to leave. My boyfriend also dated a Christian and he told me that she was one person in church and a different person behind closed doors. She eventually left because he told her things she did not like. My boyfriend tells me things I do not want to hear. We disagree on many things, but I will not leave because of that. That is love. I am not sure why you want to call it an affection. I disagree.

He moved out almost a month after I met his parents, but he said it is for his new job, but it did not make any sense. This could be my fault. I sleep with him all the time, but there was no sex. We had some heated discussions about it. I do not know of any sexless relationship that can work. I am still trying to figure out what "vows" he needs from me. My counselor said this would be difficult to change, so I really do not have much hope. I also cannot convince him to do something against his religion, but I can ask him to attend a different church. So yeah, I feel sorry this came to this. If he does not want to, I can only stop going to church with him. (I do not go anymore.) After all, I do not want to be there. I will attend again, if he changes the church. It is all up to him.

I heard about this in the news, but I did not see this video before now, so thank you for sharing it. It is not easy to forgive someone like that. I do not think we should have police officers in the first place. It is good to see Christians actually doing what they preach. I met people who said they believed in God, but they did everything their religion told them not to do at the same time!
 

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