One of my Plays from the '70s. One audience member liked it so much he sent it in to Reader's Digest, which printed a version of it.
NO EXCUSE SUNDAY
At one Sunday service, Pastor Ized was speaking. “...but before we go any further, Deacon Kolodney will now read this week's announcements. Deacon.”
Deacon Kolodney rises from his seat. He comes to the podium, noisily stubs his toe on it, which causes him to drop his papers. He bangs his head on the podium when bent over to retrieve them. He noisily shuffles the papers, adjusts his glasses, gets ready, and then reads with great vigor. “My friends, Macy's Bargain Basement is having the pantyhose sale of the century! You just can't afford to miss this once in a lifetime opportunity…”
Pastor Ized interrupts him on a loud whisper. “Deacon! Deacon!”
“Huh?”
“You've got the wrong paper.”
“What?”
“You're reading the wrong paper!”
“Oh! So I am. Silly me.” He reshuffles the papers, drops one, bends over, hits his head on the podium again.
Elder Lee whispers to the pastor. “Maybe we should take up an extra collection to buy some padding for the podium?”
Pastor Ized whispers back. “We could send him as a missionary to one of those undeveloped countries where they can't afford podiums.”
The Deacon starts over. “My friends, next Sunday will be our annual "No Excuse Sunday". Yes, the one Sunday of the year in which we will see to it that you have absolutely no excuse for missing the church service. For those of you who claim that Sunday is the only day you have to catch up on your sleep, don't worry. Mattresses and pillows will be in every aisle. For those who claim that Sunday is the only day they have to visit their relatives, we will be importing 300 assorted friends and relatives.”
That freaks out a man in the audience. “What? You're going to bring my mother-in-law here? Agh!”
The pastor rises. “Ushers! Why don't you lay hands and fists on that boy? Please continue.”
“Yes... where was I?” He shuffles the papers again.
Elder Lee leans over. “The relatives. The relatives.”
Pastor Ized looks at the sky. “Why me, Lord?”
Deacon Kolodne continues. “Oh, yes. For those who just can't miss the big game, large screen TVs will be set up so you won't have to miss a single play. For those who find that Sunday is the only day you have to work full tilt in the kitchen, a 6 course dinner will be provided. Fill out the cards the ushers are passing out to let us know your choice of French, Italian, Chinese, Mexican or fried chicken dinners. For those who refuse to attend, because they say that there are too many hypocrites in the church, score cards will be provided, with a door prize for the one with the largest hypocracy total. For workaholics who just can't break away, a team of secretaries will be on hand to take dictation while sitting on your lap. In case any wish to call in sick, don't worry! Mt. Sinai Hospital is lending us their mobile emergency room, complete with admittance staff, doctors, nurses, and orderlies. Finally for those who still show reluctance, our visitation committee, composed of Brother "Machine Gun" Gambino and "Fingers" Corleoni will stop by their home to make them an offer they cannot refuse.” He heads back to his seat.
Elder Lee stands. “And now for our next hymn:” He pauses as Deacon Kolodney sat down and fell over backwards off the chair with a crash. “Our next hymn; ‘When the roll is called up yonder, how many of y'all will be A.W.O.L.’?"
(Oddly I did not write the hymn, except for the title, until 30 years later. You can find the words for it in the poetry section.)
NO EXCUSE SUNDAY
At one Sunday service, Pastor Ized was speaking. “...but before we go any further, Deacon Kolodney will now read this week's announcements. Deacon.”
Deacon Kolodney rises from his seat. He comes to the podium, noisily stubs his toe on it, which causes him to drop his papers. He bangs his head on the podium when bent over to retrieve them. He noisily shuffles the papers, adjusts his glasses, gets ready, and then reads with great vigor. “My friends, Macy's Bargain Basement is having the pantyhose sale of the century! You just can't afford to miss this once in a lifetime opportunity…”
Pastor Ized interrupts him on a loud whisper. “Deacon! Deacon!”
“Huh?”
“You've got the wrong paper.”
“What?”
“You're reading the wrong paper!”
“Oh! So I am. Silly me.” He reshuffles the papers, drops one, bends over, hits his head on the podium again.
Elder Lee whispers to the pastor. “Maybe we should take up an extra collection to buy some padding for the podium?”
Pastor Ized whispers back. “We could send him as a missionary to one of those undeveloped countries where they can't afford podiums.”
The Deacon starts over. “My friends, next Sunday will be our annual "No Excuse Sunday". Yes, the one Sunday of the year in which we will see to it that you have absolutely no excuse for missing the church service. For those of you who claim that Sunday is the only day you have to catch up on your sleep, don't worry. Mattresses and pillows will be in every aisle. For those who claim that Sunday is the only day they have to visit their relatives, we will be importing 300 assorted friends and relatives.”
That freaks out a man in the audience. “What? You're going to bring my mother-in-law here? Agh!”
The pastor rises. “Ushers! Why don't you lay hands and fists on that boy? Please continue.”
“Yes... where was I?” He shuffles the papers again.
Elder Lee leans over. “The relatives. The relatives.”
Pastor Ized looks at the sky. “Why me, Lord?”
Deacon Kolodne continues. “Oh, yes. For those who just can't miss the big game, large screen TVs will be set up so you won't have to miss a single play. For those who find that Sunday is the only day you have to work full tilt in the kitchen, a 6 course dinner will be provided. Fill out the cards the ushers are passing out to let us know your choice of French, Italian, Chinese, Mexican or fried chicken dinners. For those who refuse to attend, because they say that there are too many hypocrites in the church, score cards will be provided, with a door prize for the one with the largest hypocracy total. For workaholics who just can't break away, a team of secretaries will be on hand to take dictation while sitting on your lap. In case any wish to call in sick, don't worry! Mt. Sinai Hospital is lending us their mobile emergency room, complete with admittance staff, doctors, nurses, and orderlies. Finally for those who still show reluctance, our visitation committee, composed of Brother "Machine Gun" Gambino and "Fingers" Corleoni will stop by their home to make them an offer they cannot refuse.” He heads back to his seat.
Elder Lee stands. “And now for our next hymn:” He pauses as Deacon Kolodney sat down and fell over backwards off the chair with a crash. “Our next hymn; ‘When the roll is called up yonder, how many of y'all will be A.W.O.L.’?"
(Oddly I did not write the hymn, except for the title, until 30 years later. You can find the words for it in the poetry section.)
