I have the worst nightmares my whole life (so far), some reocurring, some new. They are so REAL that I'm sometimes woken up from them and can't believe it was only a dream. They come no matter what I do, pray, anoint, speak the word, etc. It's like the dreams don't care -- they come. They usually involve evil chasing me in some sort of way. Once, an evil being went inside me and spun me in circles at mock10 speed. The fear was so great it woke me up and I actually felt something leaving my body. That was the worst one ever. I don't do anything that I know of to bring it on. I am not involved in occult, and I don't lend myself to darkness in any way to bring these nightmares on. I feel dirty afterwards especially when I have the ones where demons are chasing me and I'm backed up agains a wall and I have nowhere to go so I levitate myself up... or something levitates me up and I fly away. It is not a good kind of flying... it's like something evil lifts me up to fly away. When I have them my first thought is that I'm not saved anymore. Thoughts of having lost my salvation plague me almost daily. I wake up feeling unsaved and I go to bed feeling unsaved. I usually try to battle the thoughts by reminding myself that the bible says there is no one good, no not one, and that all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. That usually helps for a day or so but the thoughts seem to turn into reality inside my head. I can't explain it because I don't undestand it. I can actually sometimes feel a chemical change in my body and then I get so depressed and think I'm going to hell no matter what. My life is spread out in my head showing me all the wrong things I've done in my life. I mean, it's overwhelming sometimes. I don't know why God created me or if I was an accident because I'm just no good. I'm not normal like other people though I have tried to be normal, and the more I try the more weird people think I am. I have even tried to ignore ill feelings toward me by others and pretend they didn't give me that look or shun me for being myself. It's like people make me feel bad for being me. When I try to be like them or whatever, it's no good either. I don't have any friends because I shut everyone off because people will end up betraying me at some point. They always have so I just don't make new friends. I told the Lord that I'm sorry I'm like this, but I don't like people. And if I don't like people then I'm saying that I don't like God because God made people. I hate people sometimes and I don't want to. I hope nobody judges me for saying what's on my heart because this is the first time I have openly told the truth what I feel. I know I need help but I can't afford it. Even at churches they charge to give you help. I think that's a big disgrace but they will say that someone has to pay for the help. I wonder what they would charge Jesus if he came in with a problem and couldn't afford to pay for help. Please pray for me.