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Hi. To your lost soul, hello. I am struggling and feel at my worst I’ve ever felt. I tried to make a short history post, which deemed impossible in the end. I’ve been suffering most my life. I grew up with an alcoholic father and a mom too scared and meek to approach the situation properly. My dad was verbally abusive and would throw things in anger. I dealt with him and his abusive self destructive behavior until I was 18. That’s when he died of a heart attack. I found myself hiding in a closet whenever he was drinking and loud. He would keep us up all night with loud music. The hardest part dealing with my dad was the shame and embarrassment he caused me. He’d open the windows late at night and turn on the attic fan to “air out” the house. He also turned on his 40’s classics on the radio loudly. I spent many nights begging him to turn it down so I could sleep and not suffer from embarrassment. I would lie in embarrassment knowing all the neighbors heard it and knew “Mr. J was drinking again”. I’d walk to school the next morning so ashamed. My sisters didn’t seem to care as much as I did. I was seven out of eight kids and bit my nails constantly. I was shy and blushed horribly. None of my other siblings did. I’d never invite friends over after school not knowing what I would be up against. Lately, things have taken their toll on me as things have become emotionally and financially difficult. I am educated, I’m smart and I’ve made a decent life for myself. But through all of it, I’ve managed to make a mess of things very quickly.
I was married 21 years. He wasn’t a drinker until after our divorce. However, he abused me. He put me up against walls and screamed in my face. He held me down in bed during heated discussions. He’s pulled me out of a van by my hair. The last thing he ever did to me was nail me pretty hard to the back of my head. Not the best of luck with men in my life. I decided to go back to college at that point and finish my degree and move on. I did. Through all the adversity, I graduated from college. I started my own business and lasted five years, but had to give it up to go back to work after I filed for divorce and my kids turned 18 and I lost child support. I dated a few men and saw signs of alcoholism, loudness, cheating so I ran away from that. I found someone about two years ago that was everything I thought I wanted in life. Smart, kind, religious, educated, handsome. How did I get so lucky? One thing I noticed from the beginning was how controlling he was. But he was so lovely, I somewhat enjoyed someone just taking control for awhile. We bonded greatly. We’ve been dating almost two years. He asked me to marry him about 9 months ago, I accepted. Interesting how I type this as if he’s gone...? He’s upstairs sleeping...
I saw early on that one of his three daughters was difficult. Full of herself. 16. I knew I had a tough road ahead. By six months she verbally assaulted me. My fiancé paid me a compliment when I arrived at a birthday dinner saying how nice I looked. She says with a sarcastic tone, “oh dad, that’s what you say about all the women you’ve dated. Same look, no makeup, no styled hair and God forbid they would wear clothes like me.” I wouldn’t want to make this up. It happened. All of a sudden, all my bandaids were ripped off. I excused myself after my fiancé quickly stated her words were inappropriate and he started to text her under the table how rude she was. He didn’t say another word because we were at a birthday party. I just couldn’t tolerate her comments or his lack of discipline. She followed me to the bathroom and startled me as I came out of a stall. She asked if we could talk and I said “no there just wasn’t anything to say” other than “you being a rude spoiled brat isn’t going to change the love I have for your dad”. Then I left the restaurant. My fiancé came running out and apologized once more and asked me to come back in. I did. We had a round table discussion about what was really going on underneath. Things were revealed about their mom’s attempted new failed marriage and discipline they received from her new husband (they didn’t tolerate him or his son), their dads failed dates and live in girlfriend and her difficult son, etc. Dinner wasn’t eaten and a daughters birthday was ruined. I can’t tell you how awful it felt knowing she cried on her birthday. I have struggled to feel loved and appreciated by all of them, including my fiancé, ever since. Two months after this transpired, he and I went to Alaska. He wanted to buy me a gift and actually bought me a ring and said it was somewhat like a promise ring because he just couldn’t afford the engagement ring he wanted to buy me. It was sweet. I often wondered if he felt pressured by all that transpired. His daughter saw the ring and she cried quietly across the table. I was devastated. My ring now became a symbol of sadness. I couldn’t believe someone wanted to treat me this way. I lost another piece of my heart that day. I got over it. As you can probably guess, I really love this man. Three months later, he proposed on a private sleigh ride in the snowy mountains of Colorado. I said yes but my first thought was, “but what will his daughter say?”...yes really, but, I said yes, of course.
We came back from the trip and decided not to tell the girls right away. We waited almost two months then broke the news. This time, she said congrats then looked hard the other way for a moment. She was fighting back the tears this time. Maybe she was beginning to accept it more?...
These past several months I have been searching for why. But this is where an even tougher situation occurred. My 20 year old son began to show signs of hallucinations. My focus immediately was on him. I quit my job to take care of him. I thankfully received a sum of money from another business I invested in and it sold. I was able to pay the bills for four months and paid my debt down and invest some of it. My fiancé and I were talking wedding plans before all this began with my son. It has now been put on hold so I can focus on him. He’s refusing medication all these months later. I’m once again devastated. My heart literally hurts. I’m having panic attacks every few days. My heart pounds out of my chest cavity. I’m taking meds when I feel the urgency. My fiancé has been more than tolerant with the situation. He’s been very helpful to my son and I. My other child, a daughter, 19, is in college. I’m thankful she has been away and not had to endure it. My son as been diagnosed with schizophrenia. He hears and sees things that don’t exist. It’s been dreadful watching his symptoms grow worse. A month ago, I received a tax bill from the IRS for $11,000. Apparently, when I used my QDRO money settlement from my divorce to put a down payment on a house, not enough taxes were taken out due to a tax bracket increase. Then the state sent their revised bill as well. My heart aches literally...my relationship hasn’t changed much with the girls and my fiancé is really trying hard to hang on. My depression is beginning to ruin all that I’ve worked for. My fiancé cuts our arguments and goes to bed. He’s mentally drained as well. He’s withdrawing money out of his 401k and I’ve used quite a bit of the money from my investment to pay the mortgages. To literally top it all, we are selling a house he owns that he rented. We’ve been working on it over a year. It’s an hour away in the country and trips out there to make repairs has sucked us dry of energy. I doubt we can sell it until next spring. Not sure what we will do if so. More money out of his 401k I guess. We will need to sell my house next and then move into his house he’s been living in for three years. There isnt enough room for all of us so we will need to finish the basement with bedrooms first. We’ve racked up debt fixing up the rental that will need to be paid off when we sell the houses. Until my son is stable, I can’t get back to work to help. My fiancé knows that I’m really not in any shape to go back right now.
God, some days I wake calling out your name. I know you’re here. I’m asking this community to help me with any suggestions. I’m asking for you to pray for me even though God is so close to me. I’ve almost given up hope at times.
Thank you for letting me vent. It’s too embarrassing to tell anyone what I’ve been living with.

Staff Member
When upon life’s billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will be singing as the days go by.

When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold.
Count your many blessings, money cannot buy
Your reward in heaven, nor your Lord on high.

So amid the conflict, whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end*

*Johnson Oatman
Men and women's loves are pale imitations of God's love and filled with faults. Whenever you get involved in a relationship expecting a true love all the time, you will be disappointed. Glad to pray for your pain being healed.
Staff Member
First welcome to Talk Jesus.
I'm sorry that living life is getting in the way of living it to the fullest in Christ Jesus.
Health, monetary concerns, relationships, etc. Just seem to build up with no end in site. Sorry, and know I will pray for you and yours, or at least to those that will one day be a family with Christ at its head.

If Christ Jesus is your Savior, I know you realize that He is Alive and doing well, and in a position to help you. That in faith you need to go to Him, and if your fiancé who you say is religious (Saved through Christ Jesus?), then it should be a joint venture in ensuring that Jesus is part of the solution and not just a theological exercise. Realizing the past things in your life that have been part of what has made you, must also come a realization that in Christ Jesus there is a new you, a new creation, that need not hold on to the past that does not help, but rather just reminds one of the futility of life without a Savior in it. That is not you any longer!!!

The most important thing right now after venting :) is to realize that you are not alone. When you came to Christ Jesus, you were provided an avenue by which help is but a supplication away from having the ball start rolling to a resolution in Him, and to His Glory. Difficult as this may be don't be concerned/focused so much on the monetary aspects of what you are going through, because you belong to He who is Jehovah-Jireh, God my provider, will sustain you through all of it!

So, stand strong in faith Sister, and know that you are being looked over and after. Don't worry, because we are not meant to worry, but to be a people of faith, and trust that it will all work out for us through the most trying of times we may currently be facing. He will not desert you or abandon you in this time of tribulation in your life. The toughest part for you, and for many of us is not knowing the "How, When" etc. In how your earthly father did it his way and was a mess, of which you were embarrassed. You don't have to worry, that your Heavenly Father, will not do anything that will bring you to any place He doesn't want you to be. This could be as easily as He wanting you to turn back to Him, without reservation. With everything else going on in your life, you must still make time for Him!!!

In Christ I'm sure you realize that His Love and Mercy is reflected by the Cross in which the most precious of gifts has already been given to you to receive. So, rejoice and give Him the Glory even if its with tears streaming down your checks. Trust me you will feel so much better, that you have placed your complete trust in Him, that it will be done by His power & strength, and not your own. At least He will be doing the heavy lifting!!!

Praying for you and yours. Keep Jesus as the Center of your life, and you will be well!
You are welcome to vent anytime Sister here.

Oh, and welcome once again to Talk Jesus. You have some mighty fine Brothers & Sisters in Christ Jesus here.
If you need some additional prayers. You are welcome to put create a thread and post here.

Prayer Request

With the Love of Christ Jesus.
I am coming out of a 25 year emotionally abusive relationship. There are major red flags that are concerning about your fiance. Controlling, unwilling to discuss things when you are disagreeing.....

Forgive my short reply, I don't have a lot of time.

Please understand that if you are this unhappy before marriage, it is something you need to pay attention to. Things will not get better after marriage magically.

Please please look into Leslie Vernick materials and website. Do not be afraid. I know you say you love this man but is he giving you the real love you are worthy to have?

Gifts and words are easy to smooth things over. Pay attention to his day to day actions and how you feel around him. You should feel totally free to be yourself. With no strange questioning going in in your spirit or confusing thoughts. You need to pay attention to those warning signs.

Praying for you. Love to you
Hi -- I've just become a widow very unexpectedly after 46 yrs of marriage. My husband passed away Oct 5. I've been having lots of support -- but it's these first days After everyone is gone -- well -- older daughter and son are living next door -- but still -- they are getting back to their lives. My daughter has been Wonderful with taking charge of most everything. But, still, there's the emotional shock of him passing so quickly. Seems unreal sometimes.
What doesn't really help is the lousy colder, rainy weather and the shortening of the days.

Prayers and hugs are welcomed