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My Personal Journey

Member
Bi-Polar can be frightening at its worst - ie. Psychosis, Schizo-affective Disorder, mania & depression. These are heavy weight bearing side effects to carry on one’s own. Psychosis at its height is the epitome of Bi-Polar; you are not your own. You become someone else; you think you are aware of what you are doing yet are not in control. Your individuality becomes one possessed by another entity apart from the Spirit God gave you when He became your one and only redeemer. Fearing no evil as a believer affronts the evil that is layed before you and played out before God. It is easy to malign a believers true knowledge of God with placating remedies and even going so far as to lay your plight as a simple spiritual remedy-which many well believing Christians do at times which I harbor no grudges at all for their opinion.

What was once taken for granted is an effort to get through at times. Life takes on a different angle when you suffer from these. Prior to my diagnosis I was a nurse helping others in their lives. It was a bitter pill to swallow being on the receiving end. Unwellness can strike anyone, I thought I was different. Imagine running a marathon and the amount of energy you would have used after running it. This is the norm for the life one lives. Life is precious so you want to get well amidst feeling you are gasping for air. Your thoughts hold you captive.

The days you are free from such feelings are one of Joy and you wonder how you survived thus far having them barraging you daily and on a continual basis. The joy I speak of also comes from your thought processes too which causes the feelings of despair. Breaking down these barriers when the darkness surrounds you, you see nothing but darkness. It suffocates you with feelings of helplessness and loss. Reason & the logical becomes null & void. The desperation to be separate from the malaise compounds your feelings because you cannot escape them with haste.

I am not mad at God; I don’t doubt His love for me. As the old verse states ‘because the bible tells me so’. If anything, I have leant on God for my sanity and to let all those feelings out on Him does not burden my family. My family tugs at my life-well and beckons me to be well. Due to the dampening of your feelings not much gets in to the core. You are arrested of hope. You are a prisoner of your own mind and the labyrinth surrounding your intellect.

What was once the norm of daily life becomes a wrestle of will; You are determined to be free if it takes your last breath. This is the hope I cling to, without it I would be in a foetal position rocking back & forth struggling with no hope and wishing things would just end. Suicide becomes the fleeting ruse to escape the torment. ‘What if’ enters your thoughts, what if this was just to end and all my troubles would have a finality befitting of a wake. You awaken from your slumber and cry out NO this will not be my last day. Others sadly follow through with a final resolve to end their woes. The resolve to live pulls you out of your imaginary grave. This is depression in a nutshell.

The poetry I write is my heart cry to Jesus the enigma. I have chased the Lord on many levels during my existence to escape the shackles to be free. Early on in my walk I prayed “Lord give me a humble & contrite heart”. I have become broken and am in need of repair is now my prayer. The struggles I face become a flippant almost nonchalant attempt to minimise the severity and desperate attempts to say nothing is wrong with me. Major or chronic depression is an ongoing sadness compared to what a normal depressed person could get over in a limited time frame. I realise we all get sad at sometime in our life; when those sad feelings never went away it became paralysing so much so that you begin to hate the associated feelings that overpower you. You know when you have had a good day living with it. My life to a degree has been if there is a problem-fix it and move on to the next chapter. Can you imagine the frustration that comes with major depression? Now add Bi-Polarity on top of your depression.

I have to believe there is something greater beyond the paradigm in which I live. My family fits the bill. I have used them to keep me grounded in those moments of choices that became a habit and leant on them. I have used them as a driving force to get well. It is difficult to express love in pity & denial. It is difficult to be confident as you once were being on mood stabilisers, anti-depressants, calmatives and anti-psychotic medications. As previously mentioned the medication dampen most things; taken in the right context and doses, can be of benefit. Having balance is important. Pre illness I had balance before an event that would change everything for 13 years and I was lost in a darkened place.

“God calls people out of their wilderness to come home”.

My Lord Jesus has been by my side always and I doubt not He has been urging me on to live life to the fullest that I am capable of doing. At times I did shed tears of sadness and asked God to take this cup from me. ‘Yes Lord’ I am willing to carry this till my days are over if it be your will becomes my answer. Am I afraid I will have another Psychotic episode? Yes I am, what you fear most may well happen and I am ready this time. The other times I did not read the signs until it was too late. It has taken thirteen years to come to terms with my malady, living in denial because somehow I was not the perfect Christian by having these problems was really a sign I was not well adjusted. I should have read that sign.

Acceptance of how you are gives you perception. We all have our strengths, it is working within our limits. Making the right choices daily helps build my strength to get well.

Family is so important when you do have Bi-Polar. I feel for those who have little to no support. I belong to a Mental Health outreach community support centre and I am moved to tears sometimes of the stories I hear. In the same breath I gain hope for the fortitude these people show.

My Psychiatrist openly acknowledges that I am an inspiration to others. I never thought about that before in all my thirteen years having Bi-Polar. In retrospect I can see the thin threads that have caused me to be where I am now. From Physical, Sexual and Mental Abuse it is not hard to see that it may have played a role in my demise. Sinking deep into the drug culture is another story I may share only to help others. It is not something I am proud of. Sometimes it was like robbing Peter to pay Paul just to get my fix. Praise God for breaking the shackles of addiction over my life. Amen.

My Redemption is paid in full. To come back from death is life.

God Bless.
 
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Staff Member
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?
Romans 8:35


@fallen

Holding you before the throne of grace brother....for full healing and restoration of mental health
Your journey has been such a difficult one
The Lord knows all things and you are precious to Him

And no matter what befalls us on earth in this temporary body
If you have Jesus then you can rejoice knowing it is well with you soul

May this short video....full of the infallible promises of the Lord be a blessing to you brother

when - YouTube


Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.
For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:37-39
 
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Loyal
Saying a prayer for your continued strength in the Lord to be the husband and father you wish to be!
 
Member
To my sisters and brothers in Christ thankyou so much for your kind words of encouragement and prayers, I truly appreciate them. The youtube vid was beautiful thankyou Fragrant Grace. Thankyou also Brad for your prayers; If anything I have learned over these 13 years is that my illness is cyclic. I used to be so hard on myself when I was not well during my cycles because of my perfectionist nature feeling I had to be the perfect Christian. I have learned to be not so hard on myself and now go with the flow which has settled my mind and heart. There is a poem that best describes the entity I call psychosis which in my mind will never return. I know I may be kidding myself yet it is what I cling to.
God & My Family have been my constant in my times of need. Having friends in Christ like you here are a constant reminder of the Love of Christ we all share. May God Bless You.

Monster

There’s a monster in my head,
That wishes I was dead.
In the shadows it does hide,
Upon my back it does ride.

I am afraid of who I am,
Another me, another man.
There’s a battle ahead, oh captain art thou,
I disown you, I disavow.

Its nature is from Sheol,
To undermine is its goal.
Its life is from the pitt,
Its goal is to make one sick.

It whispers in my ear,
Hurt those who are dear.
Don’t want to know you or give you life,
When I do it is strife.

I fear you not oh evil fiend,
You think you’ve won with evil schemes.
I deny you and say goodbye,
You are empty-you are a lie.

The monster is dead,
It is no more.
To be free to live,
And love ten score.

God Bless.
 
Moderator
Staff Member
I waited patiently for the LORD; and He inclined unto me, and heard my cry.
He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings.
And He hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the LORD.
Psalm 40:1-3

@fallen

Praying dear brother that the cyclical nature of this illness will be broken and replaced with continual stability and sound mental health.
That the monster will be gone for ever!

And more than that that you will continually know that your soul is eternally safe through Jesus
And take comfort in that wonderful truth.

Bless you.....and below another video full of the Lord's promises

Psalm 121 I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills.....The Lord is thy keeper - YouTube
 
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Member
Blessings to you my dear sister in Christ Fragrant Grace, the verses are a comfort & salve to the soul. I enjoyed the YouTube videos as I don’t frequent YouTube. I like simplicity as I like to view things in a simple manner.
I love Jesus so much and at times just wish all the Mental Illness would just end. I know our life is difficult at times. I am no different. It is not doom & gloom all the time, yet wish I had that peace beyond understanding as described
in Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your
minds in Christ Jesus.

Amen I ask this in Jesus Name.
God Bless.
 
Moderator
Staff Member
I love Jesus so much and at times just wish all the Mental Illness would just end. I know our life is difficult at times. I am no different. It is not doom & gloom all the time, yet wish I had that peace beyond understanding as described
in Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your
minds in Christ Jesus.
Amen I ask this in Jesus Name.
God Bless.

Cast thy burden upon the LORD, and He shall sustain thee
Psalm 55:22

Praying dear brother that you know His perfect peace surrounding you and flowing through your mind.

I read this today and thought of you.......


As the olives must be crushed for the oil to flow; as the grapes must be bruised in the wine-press that the vats may be filled; as the gold comes out refined from the furnace—so, through the agonies of great trial, the best Christian graces are developed.
John MacDuff 1895

Bless you brother....continuing to pray for you...trusting and believing Him who is able


Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction.

Isaiah 48:10

O Love that wilt not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in Thee;
I give Thee back the life I owe,
That in Thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.

O light that followest all my way,
I yield my flickering torch to Thee;
My heart restores its borrowed ray,
That in Thy sunshine’s blaze its day
May brighter, fairer be.

O Joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to Thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.

O Cross that liftest up my head,
I dare not ask to fly from Thee;
I lay in dust life’s glory dead,
And from the ground there blossoms red
Life that shall endless be*


*George Matheson 1882



 
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Moderator
Staff Member
My heart and prayers go out to you my brother. Tears have welled up in my eyes, for you. My heart aches for your pain.

Praying that His tender mercy, fall upon you brother. For brother you are truly; with a bond forged in blood, that cannot ever be broken, secured for an eternity only God can and has established for us who believe!

My prayers are joined with others, in petitioning You our Lord and Savior on his, behalf and on the behalf of his family. That Your everlasting Grace, continue to not only sustain him, but also, that his increase in peace and love be ever present companions in his life. That the surety of Your Mercy and Love Father God, always be reminders, to him of the faithful promises yet to be for-filled in and through him, for Your Greater Glory! That the Holy Spirit, Eternal Comforter, Encourager and Teacher, be ever felt by him as he continues to grow to an overflowing spirit within Your Loving embrace. That the tears, pain and heartache felt now by him, turn to joyful praising, with shouts of Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia! In Your Holy Name, I join the chorus of prayers brought before the Throne of Heaven for this Your child. Not Fallen, but forever Born Anew in Spirit through Christ Jesus! I pray Healing of Body, Heart, and Soul, Father God for him, that in this your additional blessing of great healing be manifested in his life. Jesus Christ Hear our Prayers! Have Mercy upon your child my brother! Amen, Amen, Amen.
YBIC
C4E

Philippians 4:6 Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.

Psalm 121:5-8 The LORD [is] thy keeper: the LORD [is] thy shade upon thy right hand. The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul. The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore.

Psalm 42:11 Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, [who is] the health of my countenance, and my God.
Psalm 6:9 The LORD hath heard my supplication; the LORD will receive my prayer.

2 Corinthians 1:3-5 [3] Blessed [be] God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; [4] Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God. [5] For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ.

James 5:16 Confess [your] faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.

Galatians 2:20 I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.
 
Moderator
Staff Member
He hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.
Hebrews 13:5

Greetings dear brother @fallen

In church today we sung a hymn that made me think of you and lift you up in prayer

Two verses particularly......

When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
The rivers of woe shall not thee overflow;
For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.

The soul that on Jesus has leaned for repose,
I will not, I will not desert to its foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavour to shake,
I’ll never, no never, no never forsake. *

And the LORD, He it is that doth go before thee; He will be with thee, He will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed.
Deuteronomy 31:8


* George Keith 18th century hymn How firm a foundation
 
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Member
I am moved by your outpouring of Love and prayers. These past few days have been terrific
having an enthusiasm I have not had for a while. I am praying more frequently than I normally do.
I am used to praying for others behind the scenes yet you are doing it for me.

I am also humbled.

Thankyou
 
Moderator
Staff Member
I am moved by your outpouring of Love and prayers. These past few days have been terrific
having an enthusiasm I have not had for a while. I am praying more frequently than I normally do.
I am used to praying for others behind the scenes yet you are doing it for me.
I am also humbled.
Thankyou

Hallelujah.....Praise the Lord for answered prayer
It is good to hear you have had a few terrific days brother

Dear brother fallen keep praying and praising.....the joy of the Lord is your strength.

I am praying with you and for you

Bless you


Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?
As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.
Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.
For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:35-39
 
Moderator
Staff Member
I am moved by your outpouring of Love and prayers. These past few days have been terrific
having an enthusiasm I have not had for a while. I am praying more frequently than I normally do.
I am used to praying for others behind the scenes yet you are doing it for me.

I am also humbled.

Thankyou

Alleluia! My brother!
Know when we are united in prayer He is with us.
Know that our prayers are joined with yours.
For together we are with you in the spirit praying for you.

Matthew 18:20 For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.


For ours is a faith of hope, not of hopelessness!

Psalm 42:11 Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, [who is] the health of my countenance, and my God.


For the same joy you have been given in praying for others, so in sharing your testimony, you have allowed us also to be blessed in praying for you.
Alleluia! Alleluia!, Alleluia! For all that we do, we do for the Glory of Him!
YBIC
C4E

Isaiah 41:13 For I the LORD thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.
 
Member
Know when we are united in prayer He is with us. Know that our prayers are joined with yours. For together we are with you in the spirit praying for you.
Yes Amen and Amen. Where two or more are gathered our Lord is in the midst of us and it has started to overflow in my daily life. So much energy and enthusiasm, God Bless you kind people for thinking of me.

Alleluia! Alleluia!, Alleluia! For all that we do, we do for the Glory of Him!
God's glory overcomes me and I am moved; after nearly 13 years I can say I can get excited for things and what lays ahead, and my days are becoming full, how rich is Our God.

For ours is a faith of hope, not of hopelessness!
In my darkest of times our Lord has kept me in His sights for so long. I have lived in a dark world for so long it is nice to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel..Amen.

Isaiah 41:13 For I the LORD thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.
With so much enthusiasm I am reminded to be wary. My mind races and my heart pounds for what is ahead. In the same token I must be wary and read the signs before me. Psychosis begins with extreme energy with thoughts racing and not able to keep my mind on one thing. There is the voice that doesn’t stop-I call it ‘chatter’. When I have the chatter it is the first symptom for me. I listen to music when I am in these times of chatter, I don’t want to listen to my chatter and use music to do that. I sometimes think I am walking on a tightrope in regards to my disorder. How sad I must be wary that psychosis is at my doorstep just waiting to be let in. I believe this is the year of Jubilee for me and my family. Writing helps me immensely.

Bless You…
 
Moderator
Staff Member
With so much enthusiasm I am reminded to be wary. My mind races and my heart pounds for what is ahead. In the same token I must be wary and read the signs before me. Psychosis begins with extreme energy with thoughts racing and not able to keep my mind on one thing. There is the voice that doesn’t stop-I call it ‘chatter’. When I have the chatter it is the first symptom for me. I listen to music when I am in these times of chatter, I don’t want to listen to my chatter and use music to do that. I sometimes think I am walking on a tightrope in regards to my disorder. How sad I must be wary that psychosis is at my doorstep just waiting to be let in. I believe this is the year of Jubilee for me and my family. Writing helps me immensely.

Then continue to write and listen to music my brother. Do not concern for tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself. (Matthew 6:34) For in the little peace that you may find in today; be joyful in it, glorying God in all things. Continue to find the avenues available to you, in which God may be manifested to you in times of distress, and in so doing you may bring your testimony to others in your words of victory through Christ Jesus. Be they uplifting in their telling, and truth in there origins. For to be uplifted we must have been low, so very low, that our cries reached the Throne Room of Heaven itself that in His most Gracious Mercy, He has ulifted you and all those who also suffer that you may be called Children of God.
YBIC
C4E
Praying for you my brother and your family in the name of Christ Jesus.

Isa 26:3-4 KJV] 3 Thou wilt keep [him] in perfect peace, [whose] mind [is] stayed [on thee]: because he trusteth in thee. 4 Trust ye in the LORD for ever: for in the LORD JEHOVAH [is] everlasting strength:


Colossians 1:9-12 (NKJV) For this reason we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding; 10 that you may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing Him, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; 11 strengthened with all might, according to His glorious power, for all patience and longsuffering with joy; 12 giving thanks to the Father who has qualified us to be partakers of the inheritance of the saints in the light.
 
Moderator
Staff Member
Then continue to write and listen to music my brother. Do not concern for tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself. (Matthew 6:34) For in the little peace that you may find in today; be joyful in it, glorying God in all things..
@fallen

Yes dear brother as Christ4Ever has written......keep listening to music and writing.

Count the manifold blessings you have in Christ and rejoice in His perfect love for you
The devil may try to steal your peace by planting anxiety in your mind and concerns about relapse.....keep focused on that wonderful promise

Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed upon Thee because he trusteth in Thee
Isaiah 26:3

Philpot in the 19th century wrote about believers in the storms of life.....

It is in these storms that he learns . . .
more of his own weakness, and of Christ's strength;
more of his own misery, and of Christ's mercy;
more of his own sinfulness, and of superabounding grace;
more of his own poverty, and of Christ's riches;
more of his own desert of hell, and of his own title to heaven.


It is in these storms that the same blessed Spirit who began the work carries it on; and goes on to engrave the image of Christ in deeper characters upon his heart; and to teach him more and more experimentally—the truth as it is in Jesus.

Praying for you......bless you
 
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Member
Then continue to write and listen to music my brother.

Yes dear brother as Christ4Ever has written......keep listening to music and writing.

The devil may try to steal your peace by planting anxiety in your mind and concerns about relapse.....keep focused on that wonderful promise

Amen, Bless You.
Thankyou for encouraging me to keep writing, I love it so much yet believed I had nothing good to offer others. Thankyou so much.
 
Moderator
Staff Member
Amen, Bless You.
Thankyou for encouraging me to keep writing, I love it so much yet believed I had nothing good to offer others. Thankyou so much.

My joy is great for you that you can now see that you do have much to offer!

Always remember that God loves you, if not would you be feeling the way you do?

Hebrews 12:6 For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth.

So with this Victory in Christ Jesus; move forward. Let your words flow, in glorifying the Most High, remembering that He choose you! To be a worthy vessel; born again, to His Everlasting Glory!

Write as the Spirit moves you with the Love of Christ Jesus always. Continuing to pray, in faith my brother.

Love you brother. God bless.
C4E
 
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