Ah Hon, why on earth would you think you were the cause of all this? This is a hard time for you & your family & it isn't uncommon to question your faith. But as you question it, ask God to give you more. And use that same faith to overcome your fears..especially the fear of Heaven. No, we can't say for sure what it will be like, but we are given some pretty specific ideas.
Let me address the issue of the hospital not seeming to care. Granted, there are some very uncaring people in hospitals, but they are rare. From having worked in one for years, if they don't distance themselves a bit from situations, they will crumble under the strain of facing sickness every day. That does not excuse coldness but I felt I needed to share that in case the distancing was what you were experiencing.