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My Mother, Myself - November 01, 2006
Do you catch yourself behaving like your parent? Do you look more like her or him as you grow older?
My mother is a fairly normal, peace-loving Mennonite woman who turns quite vicious when faced with a critter (the six-legged, insect variety). My daughters first noticed (and are actually taking notes on) the funny and wild things she says. One day one of them heard her tell a fly just where he was going to end up, right before she whomped it.
Our daughters think this is hilarious. I guess I never even realized she did and said funny things. It was just who my mom was and is. And then I caught myself doing the same thingberating a bug before I killed it. It's not the only way I'm becoming my mother.
One morning I was making coffee in the kitchen at my office, my normal chore. I was singing fairly loudly, "My Shepherd Will Supply My Need," a favorite hymn. A young man from one of the other offices walked into the kitchen, a grin barely hid. I had been caught. He said it reminded him of a friend whose mother always sang in the kitchen. I said my mother did the same thing.
Honestly, I don't know when I started behaving like my mother or why. Goodness, I haven't lived in the same house or area as Mom for over 30 years. So it can't be because I'm around her behavior that much. Did I pick her traits up 40 years ago, when I was a girl at home? Or did I start imitating her, unconsciously, when I started to see her through the forgiving eyes of my daughters? When did I give myself permission to act unusual?
It was Nancy Friday who first popularized the phrase "my mother, myself" with her book My Mother/Myself in the 1970's. It was really a look at a daughter's need to form her own identity. I haven't read the book but that was when I first heard the phrase.
But maybe it isn't only the behavior of parents we unconsciously imitate. I headed up a board meeting recently and as I made copies of different documents to use in the meeting and carefully chose different colors of paper so people could tell at a glance what document we were on, I gasped. I not only had become my mother, I had become my former boss whom I worked with for about 25 years. I had watched him prepare for many meetings and I found myself imitating his meeting preparations.
What's going on here? Perhaps it is more accurate to say, we mimic the behavior of people around us, especially those we admire. Thus it is really a compliment.
Actually, I know I am also different in many ways than my mother and she than hers. Mom always resented the fact that her mother was taught not to compliment or praise her childrenthey might become proud or big headed. And so Mom struggled somewhat with feelings of low self-esteem. She, in turn, while not lavish with her praise to the extent of making us proud or big headed, somehow gave us what we needed. Each child responds differently, though, to the environment they are raised in. And you could argue that parents do raise children differently because the family size and dynamics change with each additional child.
One woman I'll call Chris said she always felt that her mother, who was a perfectionist, was too critical of her when she was a child. Chris caught herself using some of the same critical lines on her own children, and changed her ways. How many of us hated the "spit baths" our mothers used to give us if we ended up with a dirty cheek or arm in church, then proceeded to scrub our kids the same disgusting way in emergencies?
But on the whole it is just kind of fun when these little habits crop up. It makes me feel goodlike there is continuity in families. There is a family line that I am a part of. It is also usually a mixed bag: we inherit the tendency to have many fine traits from our parents, and hopefully, weed out the bad or disgusting. I hope I have inherited (or will imitate) my mom's dedication and devotion to God, and her ability to cope with whatever life has handed her.
I hope I have "separated" from my mother into my own individual self, and while my husband and I enjoy joking about the traits our children mimic from both of us, we also take pleasure in watching them bloom into the unique individuals they are becoming.
Contributed by Melodie Davis: [email protected] Melodie is the author of eight books and writes a syndicated newspaper column, Another Way
Do you catch yourself behaving like your parent? Do you look more like her or him as you grow older?
My mother is a fairly normal, peace-loving Mennonite woman who turns quite vicious when faced with a critter (the six-legged, insect variety). My daughters first noticed (and are actually taking notes on) the funny and wild things she says. One day one of them heard her tell a fly just where he was going to end up, right before she whomped it.
Our daughters think this is hilarious. I guess I never even realized she did and said funny things. It was just who my mom was and is. And then I caught myself doing the same thingberating a bug before I killed it. It's not the only way I'm becoming my mother.
One morning I was making coffee in the kitchen at my office, my normal chore. I was singing fairly loudly, "My Shepherd Will Supply My Need," a favorite hymn. A young man from one of the other offices walked into the kitchen, a grin barely hid. I had been caught. He said it reminded him of a friend whose mother always sang in the kitchen. I said my mother did the same thing.
Honestly, I don't know when I started behaving like my mother or why. Goodness, I haven't lived in the same house or area as Mom for over 30 years. So it can't be because I'm around her behavior that much. Did I pick her traits up 40 years ago, when I was a girl at home? Or did I start imitating her, unconsciously, when I started to see her through the forgiving eyes of my daughters? When did I give myself permission to act unusual?
It was Nancy Friday who first popularized the phrase "my mother, myself" with her book My Mother/Myself in the 1970's. It was really a look at a daughter's need to form her own identity. I haven't read the book but that was when I first heard the phrase.
But maybe it isn't only the behavior of parents we unconsciously imitate. I headed up a board meeting recently and as I made copies of different documents to use in the meeting and carefully chose different colors of paper so people could tell at a glance what document we were on, I gasped. I not only had become my mother, I had become my former boss whom I worked with for about 25 years. I had watched him prepare for many meetings and I found myself imitating his meeting preparations.
What's going on here? Perhaps it is more accurate to say, we mimic the behavior of people around us, especially those we admire. Thus it is really a compliment.
Actually, I know I am also different in many ways than my mother and she than hers. Mom always resented the fact that her mother was taught not to compliment or praise her childrenthey might become proud or big headed. And so Mom struggled somewhat with feelings of low self-esteem. She, in turn, while not lavish with her praise to the extent of making us proud or big headed, somehow gave us what we needed. Each child responds differently, though, to the environment they are raised in. And you could argue that parents do raise children differently because the family size and dynamics change with each additional child.
One woman I'll call Chris said she always felt that her mother, who was a perfectionist, was too critical of her when she was a child. Chris caught herself using some of the same critical lines on her own children, and changed her ways. How many of us hated the "spit baths" our mothers used to give us if we ended up with a dirty cheek or arm in church, then proceeded to scrub our kids the same disgusting way in emergencies?
But on the whole it is just kind of fun when these little habits crop up. It makes me feel goodlike there is continuity in families. There is a family line that I am a part of. It is also usually a mixed bag: we inherit the tendency to have many fine traits from our parents, and hopefully, weed out the bad or disgusting. I hope I have inherited (or will imitate) my mom's dedication and devotion to God, and her ability to cope with whatever life has handed her.
I hope I have "separated" from my mother into my own individual self, and while my husband and I enjoy joking about the traits our children mimic from both of us, we also take pleasure in watching them bloom into the unique individuals they are becoming.
Contributed by Melodie Davis: [email protected] Melodie is the author of eight books and writes a syndicated newspaper column, Another Way
