Member
Testimony I was late 17, September, the month before my birthday. I planned to run away the day after (so as not to make trouble on that day), find a man, get married, have lots of kids, and "Do better than my parents ever did," which meant to grow in, guide in, and raise my family in our Lord. I trusted God would provide for me, so I would leave with only my clothing I had on. At some point, my Mother, Brother, and I were listening to a sermon from Lauren Livingston. They were in front, at the computer, Brother sitting, Mom leaning in, blocking my view. I felt excluded, standing almost in the doorway behind them as they ignored me, and never looked back (and I suppose there wasn't room for me on the other shoulder?, nor welcoming to lean over to see between in the small apartment room?). I recall nothing else but the words, upon which life zoomed in, "You need to get Saved."
I shook for 3 days, terribly, fearing I was going to hell, and asking, "How do I know if I am Saved? What is 'get Saved'? How do I do that?" Mom said, "That's between you and God to work out, I can't do it for you!" On the last day, when I pleaded with my Brother privately, he finally said, "Are you an idiot? How can you not know what that is? Don't you know that Jesus died for your sins?" Brother explained a simple prayer, telling me to ask forgiveness for all my sins, promise to serve God all the days of my life, and ask for the Gift of the Holy Spirit. I did, immediately that night, and felt I needed to render more. My desires and goals had run down to God, and marriage. So, I gave up the latter to serve ABBA, and swore myself to celibacy; because I should hold nothing equal with God in my pursuit, but serve Him, whole heartedly. Understand, I believed then that the sum of my life and goals were God and marriage, and due to twisted, Mormonism cult teachings, and trying to deny my Mother's loathing of sexual intimacy and men in general (after having been raped throughout her life -- self-perpetuating victimhood mentality), I treated marriage **as** my **only** foreseeable commitment to God. There are those who are eunuchs for the Kingdom's sake, though I didn't know that scripture then, though we'd read through the whole bible more than once.
I got into bed, swiftly dose off, and felt the Holy Spirit rush into me, seeming to near throw me from my bed for intensity, and I burned, then returned to rest in overwhelm. I spent the next [months?] (I don't even know how long), demonically assailed, all day and night, with only moments of relent as I prayed, slept touching the bible, and drew crosses on any surface, myself, or in the air with my fingers. I muttered reflexive prayers while rocking, and clutched at the cross I wore for comfort, stability, and relief so I could gain the focus to pray. After months, it all stopped, and I had 3 years of not recalling, desiring, or being drawn to those particular sins that were so terrible for me (lust and porn, most notably, though I now realize there was a strong cult theme in general that occupied my life and life-goals. -- These being remnants from a twisted upbringing under the dogma of Mormonism and my Mother's Bunker Mentality -- there was a movie about a man who made a bunker in case of an air strike during the war, and raised his 1 son {actor who played Forest Gump?} with his wife down there when a plane hit the home, and it turns out there was no nuclear fallout, but he is shown making plans for a new bunker at movie's end.).
Many things have happened since then. My Brother changed from someone who hated me to someone who loves me in Messiah. He had been previously Saved at 8yo, 10+ish years prior. We eventually realized that, as a little kid and young teen, I was apparently suffering from occasional bouts of demonic posession. I don't have that, anymore. We found I had Autism and digestive disorders, and other medical issues, which if treated through YAH-guided lifestyle, diet, therapies, counseling, and a general willingness by me to seek and accept His help and that of others, even by pursuit regardless of disheartening, everything got better for me.
I renew myself to ABBA YAH, and I burn happily in the bosom.
I am not saying anyone *has* to swear themselves to celibacy. So far as we know, the 12 Apostles and prophets went through such stages, as did others, but no oaths were mentioned. I have wondered if the part of the oath was "anything further [than yes yes, or no no] comes forth from the devil" as said by Jesus/Yahoshua. I did *need* to render something I held in far too high esteem for pursuit alongside ABBA, but I was so ignorant in my faith from a perverse, shallow, and twisted upbringing that I knew about oaths before I knew about how to render my sins, or what to say. So, that is something I am struggling with: am I bound by my words, is it what ABBA wants for me, is it a temporary satae until and if ABBA provides me a husband? I wonder. I do know that I could not have endured so far with an option to break away and run than suffer the cruelties of my family's control and abuse, which, at this point was my Brother and Mother only and some visitation from our Dad.
I still struggle to endure with my Brother, who awes at my sudden bounds of progress and feels left in the dust. My understanding : I had to catch up to where I needed to be, fast, and ABBA quickened me. If my Bro accepts it, it's his turn, but he struggles with that, trying to go it alone. It's breaking my heart, repeatedly.
On the bright side, though many opportunities were given for others to share Messiah's Good News with me, and those people did not in those times, ABBA never gave up pursuing me. I would have the chance, even if those who should be sharing refused me a shoulder's window in the congregation. My Brother has born (chooses still to bear) much shame for his role in my abuses and neglects in those years, but, though he had thought I already knew and *was/had-gotten* Saved, he shared with me. That means more.
In the day we do righteousness, our former sins are forgotten. In the day we do wickedness, likewise, our former righteousness is forgotten. But the Lord would have that all be Saved, and turn back again. -- That's the Old Testament !!!! I need to find that one, again.... Ezekiel 18:21-32
Stop holding yourself condemned, and *acknowledge* you forgiveness -- forget it not -- , and hold no thing on par with your commitment to serve YAH, not yourself, neither family, or lands and country, nor even so worthy a pursuit as holy matrimony and the wonders of parenthood.
I shook for 3 days, terribly, fearing I was going to hell, and asking, "How do I know if I am Saved? What is 'get Saved'? How do I do that?" Mom said, "That's between you and God to work out, I can't do it for you!" On the last day, when I pleaded with my Brother privately, he finally said, "Are you an idiot? How can you not know what that is? Don't you know that Jesus died for your sins?" Brother explained a simple prayer, telling me to ask forgiveness for all my sins, promise to serve God all the days of my life, and ask for the Gift of the Holy Spirit. I did, immediately that night, and felt I needed to render more. My desires and goals had run down to God, and marriage. So, I gave up the latter to serve ABBA, and swore myself to celibacy; because I should hold nothing equal with God in my pursuit, but serve Him, whole heartedly. Understand, I believed then that the sum of my life and goals were God and marriage, and due to twisted, Mormonism cult teachings, and trying to deny my Mother's loathing of sexual intimacy and men in general (after having been raped throughout her life -- self-perpetuating victimhood mentality), I treated marriage **as** my **only** foreseeable commitment to God. There are those who are eunuchs for the Kingdom's sake, though I didn't know that scripture then, though we'd read through the whole bible more than once.
I got into bed, swiftly dose off, and felt the Holy Spirit rush into me, seeming to near throw me from my bed for intensity, and I burned, then returned to rest in overwhelm. I spent the next [months?] (I don't even know how long), demonically assailed, all day and night, with only moments of relent as I prayed, slept touching the bible, and drew crosses on any surface, myself, or in the air with my fingers. I muttered reflexive prayers while rocking, and clutched at the cross I wore for comfort, stability, and relief so I could gain the focus to pray. After months, it all stopped, and I had 3 years of not recalling, desiring, or being drawn to those particular sins that were so terrible for me (lust and porn, most notably, though I now realize there was a strong cult theme in general that occupied my life and life-goals. -- These being remnants from a twisted upbringing under the dogma of Mormonism and my Mother's Bunker Mentality -- there was a movie about a man who made a bunker in case of an air strike during the war, and raised his 1 son {actor who played Forest Gump?} with his wife down there when a plane hit the home, and it turns out there was no nuclear fallout, but he is shown making plans for a new bunker at movie's end.).
Many things have happened since then. My Brother changed from someone who hated me to someone who loves me in Messiah. He had been previously Saved at 8yo, 10+ish years prior. We eventually realized that, as a little kid and young teen, I was apparently suffering from occasional bouts of demonic posession. I don't have that, anymore. We found I had Autism and digestive disorders, and other medical issues, which if treated through YAH-guided lifestyle, diet, therapies, counseling, and a general willingness by me to seek and accept His help and that of others, even by pursuit regardless of disheartening, everything got better for me.
I renew myself to ABBA YAH, and I burn happily in the bosom.
I am not saying anyone *has* to swear themselves to celibacy. So far as we know, the 12 Apostles and prophets went through such stages, as did others, but no oaths were mentioned. I have wondered if the part of the oath was "anything further [than yes yes, or no no] comes forth from the devil" as said by Jesus/Yahoshua. I did *need* to render something I held in far too high esteem for pursuit alongside ABBA, but I was so ignorant in my faith from a perverse, shallow, and twisted upbringing that I knew about oaths before I knew about how to render my sins, or what to say. So, that is something I am struggling with: am I bound by my words, is it what ABBA wants for me, is it a temporary satae until and if ABBA provides me a husband? I wonder. I do know that I could not have endured so far with an option to break away and run than suffer the cruelties of my family's control and abuse, which, at this point was my Brother and Mother only and some visitation from our Dad.
I still struggle to endure with my Brother, who awes at my sudden bounds of progress and feels left in the dust. My understanding : I had to catch up to where I needed to be, fast, and ABBA quickened me. If my Bro accepts it, it's his turn, but he struggles with that, trying to go it alone. It's breaking my heart, repeatedly.
On the bright side, though many opportunities were given for others to share Messiah's Good News with me, and those people did not in those times, ABBA never gave up pursuing me. I would have the chance, even if those who should be sharing refused me a shoulder's window in the congregation. My Brother has born (chooses still to bear) much shame for his role in my abuses and neglects in those years, but, though he had thought I already knew and *was/had-gotten* Saved, he shared with me. That means more.
In the day we do righteousness, our former sins are forgotten. In the day we do wickedness, likewise, our former righteousness is forgotten. But the Lord would have that all be Saved, and turn back again. -- That's the Old Testament !!!! I need to find that one, again.... Ezekiel 18:21-32
Stop holding yourself condemned, and *acknowledge* you forgiveness -- forget it not -- , and hold no thing on par with your commitment to serve YAH, not yourself, neither family, or lands and country, nor even so worthy a pursuit as holy matrimony and the wonders of parenthood.
Mathew 6:33 KJV
